Is anyone a Step-Grandparent??

[marshallandcartersmo]

Just wondering if there are any step grandparents out there that can share their opinions/family traditions. Here's a little background.

My brother got married last month to a girl who has a 4 y/o boy from a previous marriage. With the upcoming holidays my parents don't exactly know how to handle gift giving..........My brother and his family will be with my family and my parents on Christmas morning to open gifts. My DH and I have 2 DS's (5 & 2) and my parents love to buy them Christmas presents. They never go overboard, but they do buy them several presents. See where this is going..........Of course they plan on buying some gifts for their new step-grandson, but they don't plan on buying the same amount for him as they will my children. My new step-nephew does still have both sets of grandparents, and does see them fairly often.
Another twist---my new sister-in-law is pregnant!!! Just found out, can't be more than a few weeks along. My mom is already stressed about when she wants to spend time with the new baby/babysit/etc. (this will my brothers first biological child and my parents 3rd grandchild).

My parents are very good people and don't want to hurt any feelings, I guess I'm just looking for some real life experiences of what any step-grandparents do out there. My immediate family is dubbed "The Cleavers" by my friends, my parents are still married, we all get along (mostly!! ) and this is the first step child in our family. thanks!!

 

[Maleficent13]

Please, tell your parents not to treat their new stepgrandson any differently when it comes to anything...time, affection, presents...this is just MHO as usual but I think it's important.

 

[pumba]

My daughter remarried and the step grandparents are considered GRANDPARENTS TOO.....I would feel horrible if they ignored my grandkids or treated them different then the other grandkids that they have......They have always treated them the same and for that I appreciate it more then anyone knows......My sil's mom invite us to their home in the mts and we have a great time and they are truly good people.....my daughters two kids are part of the clan now.....

 

[TEENEE]

In my family steps are not treated any differently than bios. We're all one family.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

I totally understand and believe my parents will treat this little one with the same love and affection. I would be very upset if they didn't. My main question was money oriented. If they spend XXXX amount on my kids, for Christmas, they should spend XXXX amount on this other little one for Christmas? Even though they don't know him well and they've only been married since October?

 

[janet715]

I was in the exact same position 4 years ago. I had a 5 year old son from a previous marriage. DH's parents were WAY beyond wonderful with him from the very day they met him. They didn't have any other grandchildren, but DH and I have since had a DD. DH's parents do not treat their biological grandchild any different then my DS.
DS has grandparents on both sides that he gets gifts from, along with his father, but DH's parents NEVER used that as an excuse to buy him less. And it makes both of us feel extraordinarily special that we have been so generously accepted into such a wonderful family.

 

[bsnyder]

My inlaws treat my sons from a previous marriage no differently than they do their three biological grandchildren. They refer to them as their grandchildren, and don't make reference to the "step" aspect unless someone asks. They've treated all 5 the same when it comes to gift-giving, attending sporting events and other activities and important occasions. My oldest recently graduated from college and they made the 3 hour trip across the state to attend his commencement, just like the other grandparents did (my dad, and my ex-in laws). We've been very fortunate that everyone gets along, but I also like to think that's not just an accident - we've worked hard at it, particularly my ex and I. Everyone else has sort of taken their cues from us....

Of course they plan on buying some gifts for their new step-grandson, but they don't plan on buying the same amount for him as they will my children.

I'm not sure why they'd buy differently. Kids do notice this kind of stuff. If you have any influence over them, I'd urge them to treat this child the same as their other grandchildren.

 

[disneyjunkie]

All the children should be treated the same. If not, they run the risk of the DIL not allowing them to see the new baby at all.

 

[mrsltg]

I'm not a step-grandparent but I had the wonderful good fortune of being Nana K's step-granddaughter (and she just rolled over when I referred to myself as "step"). My Nana K. was my step-fathers mother. The "step" started and stopped in an instant. I never refer to my Dad as my "step" father or to Nana K. as my "step" grandmother. You get where I'm going with this?

I met my family when I was 6 years old. Nana K. had two other grandchildren when we met. Not even for a second were my brother and I treated differently then Jennifer and Brian. Every Christmas and every birthday was the same. There was no difference. There is no difference between the way I feel about her and the way I feel about my biological grandparents. She made it that way, though. If she had treated us differently who knows what type of relationship would have developed? The same way my Dad points to his "three" children (not just the biological one), Nana K. pointed to her "six" grandchildren (not just the four biological ones).

Now that she's gone I miss her as much as my biological grandparents. She gave me her grandmother's engagement ring and I cherish it. I also have the wedding ring of one of my biological grandmothers. When it comes time, I will pass them on to my own daughters. There will be no distinction between which one is blood and which is love.

Encourage your parents to make this little boy their grandchild. They can't go wrong. It shows they love him and accept him in this new family.

 

[bsnyder]

I totally understand and believe my parents will treat this little one with the same love and affection. I would be very upset if they didn't. My main question was money oriented. If they spend XXXX amount on my kids, for Christmas, they should spend XXXX amount on this other little one for Christmas? Even though they don't know him well and they've only been married since October?

We can't be talking about a huge amount of money if the child is only four years old - I'd rather err on the side of spending "too much" relative to how well they "know" the child at this point than to risk the problems and hurt feelings that might occur in doing it differently.

 

[Chattyaholic]

Our DS married a woman with two children a year ago. He has three children of his own. We spend the same amount of $$ on gifts for EACH child, biological grandchildren AND step-grandchildren. We don't feel the need to treat the step-grandchildren any differently than our biological ones.

 

[minkydog]

I totally understand and believe my parents will treat this little one with the same love and affection. I would be very upset if they didn't. My main question was money oriented. If they spend XXXX amount on my kids, for Christmas, they should spend XXXX amount on this other little one for Christmas? Even though they don't know him well and they've only been married since October?

In a word: yes. They are a package now. Don't think for a second that the step-grandchild will not notice when he has been slighted.

I am not a step-grandparent,but I was a step-child(no step-grands still alive).
I have to tell you, when my kids were born, and my sibs had kids, my step-dad was great. He treated them equally to his "real" grandchildren and my kids never knew they were different. For that I will always love this man. When he got sick my sisters and his son cared for him. When he died our names were listed in the obituary as his surviving chlldren, right along with his own kids. We were a truly blended family, even though they married late in life when most of us were full-grown.

Your parents have the opportunity to hit a home-run with this kid. Tell them to step up to the plate and never look back.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

In a word: yes. They are a package now. Don't think for a second that the step-grandchild will not notice when he has been slighted.

I am not a step-grandparent,but I was a step-child(no step-grands still alive).
I have to tell you, when my kids were born, and my sibs had kids, my step-dad was great. He treated them equally to his "real" grandchildren and my kids never knew they were different. For that I will always love this man. When he got sick my sisters and his son cared for him. When he died our names were listed in the obituary as his surviving chlldren, right along with his own kids. We were a truly blended family, even though they married late in life when most of us were full-grown.

Your parents have the opportunity to hit a home-run with this kid. Tell them to step up to the plate and never look back.

this is a great post. I'm going to print it out and give it to my parents.

I'd like to really thank people for all your heart felt responses. Truly, this is new territory for us, we don't even have any divorced people on my moms whole side of the family, so step-grandparenting is definatly new. thanks again

 

[Mono~rail]

My brother got married last month to a girl who has a 4 y/o boy from a previous marriage. With the upcoming holidays my parents don't exactly know how to handle gift giving..........My brother and his family will be with my family and my parents on Christmas morning to open gifts. My DH and I have 2 DS's (5 & 2) and my parents love to buy them Christmas presents. They never go overboard, but they do buy them several presents. See where this is going..........Of course they plan on buying some gifts for their new step-grandson, but they don't plan on buying the same amount for him as they will my children. My new step-nephew does still have both sets of grandparents, and does see them fairly often.

I totally understand and believe my parents will treat this little one with the same love and affection. I would be very upset if they didn't. My main question was money oriented. If they spend XXXX amount on my kids, for Christmas, they should spend XXXX amount on this other little one for Christmas? Even though they don't know him well and they've only been married since October?

1) Yes, since you are all going to be spending Christmas morning together your parents should spend the same amount on the new grandson as they do on their existing grandchildren. All of the children should be treated equally. It isn't the little boy's fault that he is now a "step" family member. Treat him equally or change plans.

2) It doesn't matter that he has only been in the family since October. He is a member of the family no matter the length of time. Once again, he is only 4 years old and it isn't his fault that he is a "step" family member now. Treat him equally or change plans.

3) It is not relevant that he has other grandparents. What is relevant is that your brother and his new family are spending Christmas morning with all of you at your parent's house. The little boy can't help it that he is a "step" family member. Treat him equally or change plans.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

In my family steps are not treated any differently than bios. We're all one family.

Same here. I hate the word step and never use it myself (except if needed in an explanation). When I married DH his kids became MY/OUR kids. And I told my mom that I expected the same from her. There has never been an issue, and I know that I really never had to tell my mom that. I just happen to be blunt and to the point.

 

[dmslush]

I was always treated differently at holidays by the step grandparents, so I can give you an idea of how it felt. Now, throughout the year, I was treated the exact same as their regular grandchildren. I was given affection and had a blast at their house. But, the holidays made me cringe just to think of going over there. If my brother and I got any gifts, it would be one or two token gifts, while the real grandchildren hit paydirt. They would have tons of toys, brother and I would have one or two things from the dollar store. I noticed, and I cared.
After a couple of holidays, mom would buy brother and I gifts and slip them under the tree before the opening. I knew she was doing it, but I also knew she was just trying to spare our feelings.

So, IMO, your parents should buy equally. I mean, with the new baby, are they going to buy differently for it than its sibling? Just tell them that this child didn't ask to be brought into this family as a step grandchild, and by treating it the exact same (gifts and all) as their other grandchildren, it will come back to them 10 fold in love!

 

[NMAmy]

I totally understand and believe my parents will treat this little one with the same love and affection. I would be very upset if they didn't. My main question was money oriented. If they spend XXXX amount on my kids, for Christmas, they should spend XXXX amount on this other little one for Christmas? Even though they don't know him well and they've only been married since October?

It doesn't matter how long they've known him--he is now part of their family. If this little boy is spending Christmas morning with your family, he needs to be treated as a complete and full member of the family. This is a great opportunity for your parents to step up to the plate and make him a part of your family. Particularly with a new baby on the way--his whole life has been shaken up and he needs all the family he can get to make him feel like he belongs.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

We can't be talking about a huge amount of money if the child is only four years old - I'd rather err on the side of spending "too much" relative to how well they "know" the child at this point than to risk the problems and hurt feelings that might occur in doing it differently.

Bet and I don't agree on politics but we completely agree on this. Attagirl Bet!

My husband's bio-grands aren't 'mine' in the biological sense but they're MINE in every other way. I don't care how much they get from the other grands they will get the same as my 'bio' grands (now that I actually have some bio-grands, that is.)

My own children weren't treated like "real family" by my ex's wife's parents. J,S,T,and J didn't care so much about the presents but they did notice the difference in treatment. Funny, when ex's parents were ill and finally died my children were there to help and support that family. I was extra-proud of them.

 

[lclark0621]

Please, tell your parents not to treat their new stepgrandson any differently when it comes to anything...time, affection, presents...this is just MHO as usual but I think it's important.

The child will feel any "difference". They will pick up on it. They will be hurt by it.

Plus the new DIL will see right away that her child is treated differently & will feel people dont consider her child part of the "family", therefore she will see herself as an outsider as well. MamaBear instinct will come out in force!

Steps are family to. It maybe just by marriage, but then again so is a lot of family. Just because they were not in the child's life for 4 years, does not make the child any less equal now that they are part of the family.

ETA: What if it was an adopted child vs a step child? What if your Brother ends up adopting his new step-child at some point? Would an adopted child be treated any differently then a biological child?

This child is now a part of your family & should be treated as family. Not "a little less then" when it comes to things like gifts, time or love.

 

[CharmCityGirl]

My main question was money oriented. If they spend XXXX amount on my kids, for Christmas, they should spend XXXX amount on this other little one for Christmas? Even though they don't know him well and they've only been married since October?

Ummm, YES.

What a nice way to welcome him to the new family. Sorry kiddo, but you aren't a "real" grandkid so you don't get the nice gifts, those are for the "real" grandkids.