Is 3 too young for open casket funeral?

[MSSANDRA]

I think it sometimes depends on where you live as what the common practice is. We are in the south and families tend to do funerals together and include children. We have pretty much always taken our boys with us for viewings and funerals. We lost my mom when DS, almost 6 now, was not quite 4. We had a closed casket but a chance to let close family go in and see her if they wanted. He did want to and we allowed it. He got very upset and cried BUT got over it pretty easily and I am glad that we allowed it. My older DS however had a good buddy to be killed at 19. Our little one knew him well and we knew it was going to be a VERY emotional viewing and funeral for everyone and we chose not to take him.

Be prepared for really strange question that you will have to really think about where your little one is coming from. DS wanted to know why they cut their legs off when they die. Think about it....you do not see legs in the casket. He also got really confused about the funeral home being heaven. Just listen and try to give simple honest answers that fits your families faith and beliefs. Also remember that kids do not always understand and react to death the same way as adults. They only react to what effects their everyday life. They may see the entire process as a huge party where all their cousins are there and they get to stay up later and eat different foods. The reality may not hit them until it is over and everything dies down.
Prayers for your family.

 

[chimilady]

There is no way I would, and my girls are 4.5.

 

[My2Qtz0205]

We had three family deaths in nine months in 2010-2011. For my grandparents' funerals, my children, ages 7/8 and 4/5 at the time, they did not attend the viewings (open casket) nor the funerals (closed casket), but we did bring them to the receptions afterwards. When my brother died, my step-mother told me that she wanted the children to attend the funeral. What I didn't know was that the funeral home they chose for him did things differently, and kept the casket open while the family paraded past it one more time. I probably would not have taken them if I had known. My children know that we bury people's "shells" in the ground, but that their souls go to Heaven, but I was not prepared for them to see the body in the casket.

 

[littlebit0863]

One thing I haven't seen here is to maybe have a back up plan if things go awry. I attended my best friend's father in law's funeral, solely as the back up babysitter. I sat in the back. Her 3 year old son was not interested in anything except running around and my friend would have been very distracted had she not had me along ad that just in case person. Also (unexpectedly) her 6 year old daughter became absolutely hysterical, wailing very loudly and screaming at the top of her lungs to go home. So I ended up with both kids for most of the service on the church playground.

 

[alliesmommy]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DH's grandmother passed away in May of last year, DD was 4. We decided against bringing her.

When my DH passed away in July last year, it was a no brainer to briing Allie to the viewing and funeral. She was terrified at first. My parents were great in that my Dad stayed with her in the lobby while my Mom and I went to view his body for the first time. I was glad I decided to do that as the first time I saw him in the casket was awful and I'm glad she didn't have to witness my reaction.

Once her cousins started showing up to the viewing, she eventually came in the room. Then inched her way to the casket. I didn't push anything on her and stayed within arms reach of her, but let her go at her own pace. Eventually she wanted me to pick her up so that she could she him and talk to him. She was very confused about the casket at first. I explained that it was just a place for Daddy's body and that Daddy was really in Heaven with Jesus. She then told me, "Oh, so this is Daddy's Heaven bed."

By the time the funeral came, she was eager to go to the casket to say goodbye to Daddy.

Sorry, didn't mean to type so much. I said all of this to say, if you think your children should be at the funeral, then by all means let them go. Answer the questions that they ask, and let them pace themselves.

 

[Mel522]

My niece was 3 when my father past away, and she attended the funeral. When she first saw him the casket, she was obviously confused and had emotions she didn't understand. We explained to her that when a person dies, god leaves the body behind so loved ones can say goodbye.

My sister in laws mother also came to the funeral to be with my niece. The are lots of obligations the immediate family has at viewings and funerals (as well as being emotional) and by bringing another adult who isn't as emotionally effected allows the child more freedom. If she felt uncomfortable, they left. She didn't want to go to the service or the burial, so they found an empty hall and played. She had complete and undivided attention from her other grandma, and if she had questions she didn't have to get someones attention, she already had it. If you choose to take a young child, bring an adult the child is close to that will be entirely devoted to that child for the whole day.

 

[My2Qtz0205]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DH's grandmother passed away in May of last year, DD was 4. We decided against bringing her.

When my DH passed away in July last year, it was a no brainer to briing Allie to the viewing and funeral. She was terrified at first. My parents were great in that my Dad stayed with her in the lobby while my Mom and I went to view his body for the first time. I was glad I decided to do that as the first time I saw him in the casket was awful and I'm glad she didn't have to witness my reaction.

Once her cousins started showing up to the viewing, she eventually came in the room. Then inched her way to the casket. I didn't push anything on her and stayed within arms reach of her, but let her go at her own pace. Eventually she wanted me to pick her up so that she could she him and talk to him. She was very confused about the casket at first. I explained that it was just a place for Daddy's body and that Daddy was really in Heaven with Jesus. She then told me, "Oh, so this is Daddy's Heaven bed."

By the time the funeral came, she was eager to go to the casket to say goodbye to Daddy.

Sorry, didn't mean to type so much. I said all of this to say, if you think your children should be at the funeral, then by all means let them go. Answer the questions that they ask, and let them pace themselves.

My heart is breaking for you and Allie. I am sorry for your loss.

 

[RMulieri]

please explain it without saying he's sleeping. You do not want any issues with your child being afraid to go to sleep.

My DS kindergarten teacher did not go to a funeral until she was in her 20's her parents shielded her from it. She had a difficult time.

ABSOLUTELY THIS>>>>NEVER tell a young child that a dead person is "sleeping" .It can cause sleep issues and other problems. My SIL did this in May to my young niece and nephew and now they are having problems with sleeping and anxiety issues.They now see a therapist.My daughters therapist as well as a few I work with said it is never good to tell a child that, especially at a young age when they are just beginning to question what death is and its finality in this life.Make it age appropriate, but not so that they fear things like sleeping

 

[luvmy2babies]

Yes, please do not call it sleeping. At that age, children do not see “different kinds of sleep”.

My daughter attended a couple of funerals with me at a very young age when friends of ours died and when my grandfather died when she was 2. She had minimal questions then. Then, it was, “sometimes people get sick or they get hurt and the doctors can’t fix them and their bodies stop working. The soul is everything that makes a person smile, talk, laugh, love, etc. can’t stay in a body that doesn’t work anymore. It goes to be with Jesus (that is what we believe). That is why when you see (insert person’s name) they won’t talk to you or open their eyes. It also means they can’t be here with us anymore, so you will see some people crying. This (casket) is a special bed some people go into when this happens and this (whatever you call the service) is for people to say good-bye and share what they remember and honor (insert person’s name).”

When she was 6, her father died. And when I sat her down to tell her, I started with “Remember when I said, sometimes people get hurt or sick and doctors can’t…” Now, I had to add a whole lot more to my explanation then, but everything I read says to stay away from telling them the person is sleeping. What is hardest to explain and for the child to grasp is the permanency of death. After I worked to relieve the massive amounts of concern for her father being comfortable where I had to explain how he no longer needed things we need still like food, water, baths, and the TV, I had to talk for months about how he really wasn’t coming back, so if this was someone your child was used to seeing, be prepared for that.

Even though it was her father, I left how she did things up to her. The only thing I purposefully shielded her from without giving her any choice was them removing his body from our home, but that is another story entirely. It was up to her whether she wanted to view the body or not, go near it or not, touch it or not, stand near the burial site or not. There were plenty of people to take her elsewhere if she needed to escape and I had them lined up and signals worked out. We didn’t have a wake, but there was viewing available for 9 hours at the funeral home for people to come in and out and I brought her to that after she said she wanted to. She had not seen him since the morning he died and it had been 8 days and she was asking every day when he was going to be in his special bed so she could see him. She stood a few feet away at first and got closer and closer until she was next to him. Then she stood back but as people entered, she would go up and watch them almost like she was guarding him. We had the funeral as kind of upbeat celebration type more of a way to honor him for all he had done when he was alive (had his favorite praise music played and such). We called it daddy’s party. He had been sick for so long and suffered a long draining illness, and we had seen him in a lot of pain so we were going to thank Jesus for the time we had with him and for his suffering being over but also to ask Him to take care of us because it still hurt our hearts a lot to let daddy go.

The key will be to follow the child’s lead in how much you tell them and how you can explain. You don’t need many words and more often than not, they will take the lead even at that age.

I’m sorry for your loss.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i am so sorry for your loss. at age 3, i, personally, would not have taken my DD(15 next week) to any funeral. my grandfather died suddenly when she was 6 yo, and i did take her to his funeral, which was open casket, because they were very close, and it was the only way she could say goodbye. at that age, she totally understood that papa's body was in the box, but his soul was in heaven, so there was no confusion or dozens of questions.

with that said, however, you know your child(ren) best, and, if you think it will help them understand the loss of their loved one, you should absolutely take them.

 

[kerstfan1]

i want to chim in that when i was 8 i was not allowed to go to my grandfathers funeral because my aunt did not think we could handle it well to this day my memory is that i did not say goodbye and it is almost 24 years ago

 

[imjoyful2]

So sorry for your loss.

My first memories were of my grandpa when I was 3. Then he died when I was 3 & I actually remember him in his casket & they are good memories. Fast forward 27 years later and my son died the same day my grandpa did & is buried next to him. My other kids aren't scarred in the least being a part of their brothers life & death/funeral. It has given them a deeper appreciation for life. They've been to other viewings/funerals prior to Noah's. Kids have a different view on life than adults do. Surprisingly little ones can be pretty insightful & know more than you realize about what is going on. We've always taken the open approach with our kids & just be honest. Death is a part of life unfortunately, and for some, they experience it at a younger age.