Invited to Family Destination Wedding, to go or not to go?

[ZachnElli]

My brother called today and he and his fiancé have set an approximate wedding date, he called to let me know it will be in Mexico in April or May of 2014. He said he wanted to give me a head's up so we could get "our monies in order". Its a second marriage for both of them and they have 4 kids between them. The problem is I really want to go to his wedding, but I don't want to go to Mexico. We had just started planning a family vacation over spring break in March 2014 (yes to WDW). We haven't been on a vacation since July 2011. My DH,as well as one of my kids who was in the room at the time, doesn't want to give up our vacation to go to his wedding. We can't do both. We are a family of 5 and none of us have a passport. I don't have to decide right now I know, and a million things could happen and we could possibly not be able to afford to go anywhere. Our DD has been battling an illness and was hospitalized 4 times last year, so a lot could happen. I'm just so torn and I know my brother will probably be upset if we go to WDW a month or 2 before his wedding and we don't go to his wedding. Thoughts?

 

[Janepod]

My brother called today and he and his fiancé have set an approximate wedding date, he called to let me know it will be in Mexico in April or May of 2014. He said he wanted to give me a head's up so we could get "our monies in order". Its a second marriage for both of them and they have 4 kids between them. The problem is I really want to go to his wedding, but I don't want to go to Mexico. We had just started planning a family vacation over spring break in March 2014 (yes to WDW). We haven't been on a vacation since July 2011. My DH,as well as one of my kids who was in the room at the time, doesn't want to give up our vacation to go to his wedding. We can't do both. We are a family of 5 and none of us have a passport. I don't have to decide right now I know, and a million things could happen and we could possibly not be able to afford to go anywhere. Our DD has been battling an illness and was hospitalized 4 times last year, so a lot could happen. I'm just so torn and I know my brother will probably be upset if we go to WDW a month or 2 before his wedding and we don't go to his wedding. Thoughts?

I would not choose a vacation (particularly to somewhere I'd been before) over my brother's wedding.

 

[focusondisney]

My brother called today and he and his fiancé have set an approximate wedding date, he called to let me know it will be in Mexico in April or May of 2014. He said he wanted to give me a head's up so we could get "our monies in order". Its a second marriage for both of them and they have 4 kids between them. The problem is I really want to go to his wedding, but I don't want to go to Mexico. We had just started planning a family vacation over spring break in March 2014 (yes to WDW). We haven't been on a vacation since July 2011. My DH,as well as one of my kids who was in the room at the time, doesn't want to give up our vacation to go to his wedding. We can't do both. We are a family of 5 and none of us have a passport. I don't have to decide right now I know, and a million things could happen and we could possibly not be able to afford to go anywhere. Our DD has been battling an illness and was hospitalized 4 times last year, so a lot could happen. I'm just so torn and I know my brother will probably be upset if we go to WDW a month or 2 before his wedding and we don't go to his wedding. Thoughts?

The next time it's brought up, I'd probably say how happy I am for them. But we probably won't be able to make it. We're just like you---absolutely no desire to go to Mexico. And I definately wouldn't want to skip a planned for family trip to go.

People who plan destination weddings need to accept that many family members won't attend. And not get upset about it, IMO. To me, they are choosing a place over people. Their right to do that. Your right to decide not to go.

 

[zurgswife]

Personally to have a destination wedding is to understand that not everybody can afford to go.. and that includes after you've taken your own family vacations. I would plan my family vacation and let your brother know that while you would love to go your family is already saving for a family vacation and there is no way to pay for both. Then put on your suit of armor.

 

[focusondisney]

I would not choose a vacation (particularly to somewhere I'd been before) over my brother's wedding.

I might not if it was local. But I have a strong dislike for other people (even a brother) telling me where I should vacation & how I should spend my money.


Now if he's offering to pay for everyone, that might be a different story.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would go to the wedding, not bring the rest of my family, and find another relative to share a room with.

 

[zurgswife]

I might not if it was local. But I have a strong dislike for other people (even a brother) telling me where I should vacation & how I should spend my money.


Now if he's offering to pay for everyone, that might be a different story.

Totally true.

 

[Tink888]

I'd tell my brother that I love him and am thrilled for him but I won't be going to Mexico and (if he lives near you) see if you can plan a celebratory dinner out somewhere either before or after his wedding.

I agree with the other poster who stated that people who have destination weddings should be prepared for and accept that not everyone may be able to attend.

And if they aren't prepared or understanding of that, then it is their issue and theirs alone.

 

[hiwaygal]

Personally to have a destination wedding is to understand that not everybody can afford to go.. and that includes after you've taken your own family vacations. I would plan my family vacation and let your brother know that while you would love to go your family is already saving for a family vacation and there is no way to pay for both. Then put on your suit of armor.

Exactly. And this is coming from someone who had a destination wedding and my brother also had one (the only one who was probably disappointed was my mother but she's got issues anyway).

Your brother was probably just excited to tell you he's getting married. He should realize that a destination wedding is something he and his wife to be have chosen and that some family will not be able to attend. Even if the only reason is because you are choosing to have a vacation with your own family.

Ask if they are planning to hold an at-home reception afterwards for people who cannot go to the wedding. And talk with him. Don't let it all be a surprise, just have a conversation with him.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Pretty sure this isn't the kind of advice the OP was looking for. Lol.

I would not choose a vacation (particularly to somewhere I'd been before) over my brother's wedding.

I couldn't have said it any better. I wouldn't pass on a planned family vacation to go to a destination wedding at a place your not even interested in going to. Imagine being there and feeling resentful because you felt obligated to go just because its family. Tough situation to be in. But honestly i would do the family vacation and tell your brother nicely that its already in the works. As stated by the pp, they are choosing a place that might be inconvenient for others and have to accept that not everyone can go.

Just a thought, it would be cheaper if you go alone to Mexico. Of course not everyone can afford it. But its a thought.

One last thing, this isn't his first marriage? If it were his first, it would be different.

The next time it's brought up, I'd probably say how happy I am for them. But we probably won't be able to make it. We're just like you---absolutely no desire to go to Mexico. And I definately wouldn't want to skip a planned for family trip to go.

People who plan destination weddings need to accept that many family members won't attend. And not get upset about it, IMO. To me, they are choosing a place over people. Their right to do that. Your right to decide not to go.

 

[Lynne M]

People who plan destination weddings need to accept that many family members won't attend. And not get upset about it, IMO. To me, they are choosing a place over people. Their right to do that. Your right to decide not to go.

Yup. If the couple has a burning desire to say their vows in Mexico, they can honeymoon there and have a second ceremony. No need to drag the entire family along. And no one has a right to feel bent out of shape because their relatives won't drain their bank accounts and use up a year's vacation time to star in their fantasy wedding production.

OP, since you're torn, can you come up with a compromise? I assume they're having the wedding on a Saturday or a Sunday....could you fly in just for the weekend? Either alone, or with your DH? I have no idea of the airfare from where you are to Mexico, but at least that way you don't use up your vacation time.

 

[kirstenb1]

How kind of him to help you "get your monies in order". I love it when someone tells me how to spend my money, not!!!

This is a tough one. It's a long ways away, so maybe it will dawn on him at some point that not everyone can go to a destination wedding. I did like the compromise a pp suggested, about just you going.

 

[Ennazus8810]

I had a destination wedding, and did so knowing that most people would not attend. To be honest we did it to keep some people from attending

I would have had no issue with a family member not attending the wedding but going on a family vacation. My Mother and Father were not there, nor were my siblings. My Aunt and Uncle that lived near our destination were my only family that attended. While I wished my family would have been there, I knew that it was my choice to get married 1500 miles away. That being said, I also didn't call people and tell them to get their money together to attend my wedding.

I think you need to sit down right now with your brother and see what his expectations are. No use stressing about it for the next year.

 

[Darcy03231]

I would explain to your brother now that you cannot afford to attend his destination wedding. If enough people speak up, maybe they will reconsider their plans. If not, then he's known all along that you will not be able to attend.

DH and I have attended some destination weddings and not others. If it was held in a place we wanted to go to we used it as our vacation that year. If it wasn't, we declined. An invitation is just that - an invitation, it's not a command performance.

 

[ksjayhawks]

When couples decide on a destination wedding, they should do so with the knowledge that many of their guests, including family, will decline to attend. It can be due to cost or locations, not having enough vacation time, not wanting to give up their only vacation time, prior commitments, etc. If they don't want that to happen, if it is important that family members and close friends be there, then the couple shouldn't have a destination wedding. If the location is important for them, then they pick it knowing many people won't be able to attend. But the couple cannot get mad or upset with the people who decline.

I think you should go ahead and plan your family vacation to WDW for March 2014. It is something that you and your family have decided that you want to do and have budgeted for. You have definite dates for that trip. Your brother does not have a definite date in mind, it could change, the destination could change, they could decide to get married earlier, the dates might not work for your family and your commitments. You would hate to not plan your vacation (since you haven't had one for 3 years at that date) and then have him change his plans.

If possible, save money so that you can attend your brother's wedding and dh can stay home with the kids. Hopefully you could share accommodations with another family member. If brother or other family say anything to you about the whole family not being there, reply calmly that "the WDW family vacation had already been set" before the information was given about possible wedding dates. Because that is what they are, possible dates at this time.

If they won't let it go, repeat the phrase over and over and over. Do not say any more so you won't be drawn into an argument or have to defend your choice. As we say on another site I am on, you do not need to JADE--justify, argue, defend, or explain. Your decision is your and dh's decision on what is best for your immediate family.

 

[badblackpug]

Pretty sure this isn't the kind of advice the OP was looking for. Lol.

I couldn't have said it any better. I wouldn't pass on a planned family vacation to go to a destination wedding at a place your not even interested in going to. Imagine being there and feeling resentful because you felt obligated to go just because its family. Tough situation to be in. But honestly i would do the family vacation and tell your brother nicely that its already in the works. As stated by the pp, they are choosing a place that might be inconvenient for others and have to accept that not everyone can go.

Just a thought, it would be cheaper if you go alone to Mexico. Of course not everyone can afford it. But its a thought.

One last thing, this isn't his first marriage? If it were his first, it would be different.

Why? The OP for asked people's opinion, and she gave it. For the record, I agree, I would never skip my sister's wedding.

If it was an either/or situation, I'd choose the wedding. WDW isn't going anywhere. I would try to do both if I could. Maybe go to Mexico alone, and only stay a few days, and like a PP said, see if there is someone with whom I could share a room.

 

[dimimi]

I would go to the wedding, not bring the rest of my family, and find another relative to share a room with.

I agree...or find a way for your and your husband to go. This is assuming that you and your brother get along and you want to make the extra effort to be at the wedding.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would also talk to your brother. Personally if my brother or sister couldn't afford it, I would pay for their airfare, rather than have them not come.

 

[Ember]

When couples decide on a destination wedding, they should do so with the knowledge that many of their guests, including family, will decline to attend. It can be due to cost or locations, not having enough vacation time, not wanting to give up their only vacation time, prior commitments, etc. If they don't want that to happen, if it is important that family members and close friends be there, then the couple shouldn't have a destination wedding. If the location is important for them, then they pick it knowing many people won't be able to attend. But the couple cannot get mad or upset with the people who decline.

I absolutely agree.

You are not obligated to attend any wedding, let alone one that eats up your vacation time and money. Anyone who doesn't understand this needs a reality check. Decline the invite and move on. A invitation is just that. It is not a royal summons. You do not owe anyone an explanation for why you declined, either.

 

[lizabu]

With just over a year to plan and if it were me and my sibling the WDW trip with the family would still be on. I''d just budget for my DH and I to spend the weekend in Mexico to see my brother get married. I wouldn't make myself go broke to do it and I wouldn't use any of my precious vacation time either. It is a second marriage. I'm assuming you saw him get married the first time too. My presence would be my gift to him too. The WDW trip with my family would take priority.