invitations and etiquette

[Firefly09]

Hello all!

I'm sure this has been discussed time and again but there really isn't an efficient way of searching out what others have done in these situations.

Now, most DFTW events being "destination weddings" I know a lot of you have mentioned that the family and friends who weren't invited and were none too happy about it.

I'm sort of in a different situation. My family wants me to send out invitations as a sort of notice to all our extended relatives even though we really don't expect them to come. The plan is to have an "at home" dinner/reception, although a lot of them will have to travel even for that. My plan was to send out STD's to the guests that I really do want to come to the wedding so they can start planning asap. Then, when closer to the date, send out invitations to EVERYONE and include a note regarding the at home reception that they can attend as an alternative to flying to Disney World.

My concern is that one of these relatives might actually decide to come to the wedding! We're having an Escape wedding and our list is already packed! Any suggestions to avoid uncomfortable situations where we have to really tell them they can't come and the invitation was only sent as a formality?

Sorry this was kinda long. But I hope the combined experience of everyone on this board will help me find a way to tiptoe around this issue.

Thanks!

 

[erin.w]

That seems confusing to send out invitations to those who are not really "invited." Why not send out a invitation for the home reception prior to the DFTW, inviting everyone to the reception at home to celebrate the wedding that took place at WDW? Does that make sense?

 

[Firefly09]

That seems confusing to send out invitations to those who are not really "invited." Why not send out a invitation for the home reception prior to the DFTW, inviting everyone to the reception at home to celebrate the wedding that took place at WDW? Does that make sense?

It does to me! That's what I wanted to do at first.

I should add that my family feels it would be insulting to not "invite" everyone to the wedding even though we're not expecting them to come. Plus, we would also be sending out invitations to relatives overseas and they are *really* not expected to come. (Don't get me started on the overseas relatives. We apparently have to time the mailings so that everyone gets it about the same time in the states and overseas otherwise it could be utter mayhem!) It's really more of an announcement than an invitation but apparently it would look bad if we didn't "invite" everyone.

I think I may just have to take a chance and hope that everyone realizes the underlying thought process. Or I may just get an upgrade to a Wishes wedding by default!

 

[PartofDisney'sWorld]

I think that in any and all weddings, there will ALWAYS be somebody who gets offended at something. I originally had almost 200 people on our invite list, and we had to cut it down to around 90 because there was no way we could afford to have a wedding that big. I can guarantee you that at least one of those people not invited will be offended. There are also quite a few people who will be invited that I expected not to come, and they are saying they are coming, so we are making room for them. I don't think it's fair to invite someone if they aren't really invited, because, like me, you may run into the problem of people who you thought wouldn't make it, end up showing. I would maybe send out 2 different invitations, one for the WDW wedding and one for the at home wedding, and if people who aren't invited to the WDW wedding get offended, you could just tell them in a friendly manner that it was just not in the budget, and then they will just have to deal with it.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Be prepared for anyone you invite to show! I had people I thought were "definites" not be able to come and some people I didn't think would be able to come who were really excited and planned around it. So, as a bride, just be prepared for anything! (even with a destination wedding)

I think we invited 105 and had 80- a little over what we expected.

 

[JandJ]

Just 2 cents from someone who has been there - done that. I wouldn't send an invite to anyone you don't want there/expect to come. An invitation to a wedding is taken seriously by most people and they will try hard to attend. As a PP said, everyone will feel offended by something. Some may feel offended that you invited them and you know they cannot afford the trip. Also, if it's someone you know cannot travel (an older relative or someone with health issues, for example) they might feel offended that you've invited them and now they have to try to go. We didn't invite the grandparents because we had a small Escape (it was called Intimate back then) and knew due to health reasons they wouldn't be able to come anyway. We sent announcements the day of the wedding (I had a friend do this). Very simple and let everyone know we were married. If you're going to have an at-home reception, IMHO, you should just send invites to that to the people you don't want/expect to come to your DFTW. We had to cancel our at-home reception due to the unexpected death of my mom, but we had over 200 people invited to that and expected 1/2 to show.

 

[cubgirl78]

I agree with the above poster....We are having a small wedding down there, and only invited those we HAD to have come. Even a few of them who we really didn't think would, are coming. So we are over what we wanted, but like they said, when you invite them, they will prob try to come. We are announcing a home reception, and have talked to everyone about why we didn't invite everyone down. Even aunts and uncles were left off and they all understand and even appreciate it, esp with the economy. Just invite who you want, and invite everyone to the reception. People will understand...believe me! Good luck!!!

 

[carolina64]

we have been going through the same hoop.

we want to get married at disney in a smaller group and have a reception or at-home event the weekend after we get back. we decided to send out invitations for the wedding in florida with another enclosure to the at home event and a note essentially excusing them from traveling to disney. "we understand the economy, the costs and timing might not suit everyone, no ill will or hurt feelings if you decide not to travel to wdw" sort of note.

emily post it is not, but we dont want our friends to feel left out or feel pressured into something that might not work for them just to please us.

 

[DiSnEyFrEaK22]

I did the same thing, and it's really not a good idea. If they really aren't invited and you really don't want them to come, don't invite them. My DF's grandma made us invited extended family and now I have 10 people I don't even know coming to my wedding. Oh, and I had to increase my F&B minimum for the reception because I went over our original guest count.

 

[sambycat]

we are going through the same, but i am adament that you can't send people an invite that you are not inviting. and you can't send an STD to someone who won't get an invite. we are sending out our invites now, with an RSVP date of ~2 months before the wedding, which is not how the invites are supposed to be done, but we need that time.

we will either send out announcements after nad/or have some kind of "engagement" party here before we go.

i'm no emily post myself, but sending out invites to different events can make for confusion and how do you uninvite someone who decides they want to go to wdw?!

good luck!

 

[Kristinella]

Proceed with caution! I would say really sit down and see who you can invite within the escape package then send out invites to those guests for your wedding and then also send out another invitation to everyone for your at home reception.

Trust me on this one...we did a pre-rsvp and there were definite {or so we thought} "will not attends" on our list that are coming! Don't get me wrong I am SUPER excited that they will be able to join us...but it just proves "don't count your guests before there invited."

Sorry HTH!

 

[Firefly09]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate all your input.

This has been very helpful in confirming my original suspicion that sending any form of "invitation" to those whom I'm not counting on coming is a bad idea. I will just have to convince my mother of this now. It will be hard, but unless she's going to step up and be the person responsible for telling relatives that they can't actually come to the wedding, I don't see any other way.

thanks!

 

[DisneyBride1207]

I'm having the same exact problem!!! the responses helped me as well! thanks everyone....and good luck to any others facing this issue!!!

 

[geek+nerd]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate all your input.

This has been very helpful in confirming my original suspicion that sending any form of "invitation" to those whom I'm not counting on coming is a bad idea. I will just have to convince my mother of this now. It will be hard, but unless she's going to step up and be the person responsible for telling relatives that they can't actually come to the wedding, I don't see any other way.

thanks!

Or if she's offering to pay for those who do want to come. . .

We are having a very small Escape wedding and had to cap our guest list at 23 people. We sent out a newsletter and a pre-RSVP to those 23 (we are penciled in at this point, but our date becomes officially ours in October). Of those 23 people, only 15 are attending (DF's 2 brothers and their families will not come; I think it upsets me more than it does DF). Those 15 people will be the ones to get the formal invitations later on.