Inspired by questioner! Does your family dislike your spouse (& vice versa)

[va32h]

Edited to add: rather than be a "yes or no" thread, I was hoping we could discuss dealing with the situation.


I didn't comment in questioner's Thanksgiving thread, because my family would never "not" invite my spouse for the holidays.

But the fact is, they don't like him. Dh is a recovering alcoholic, and the years before he quit drinking were very stressful. I understand why my family was angry with him - I was too! But while I have forgiven him and am moving forward with our lives, they have not, and will not.

Fortunately, they are polite, even faux-friendly. My mom would never let her grandkids know that she can't stand their dad. Dh, in fact, does not entirely realize how much they still resent him.

Conversely, my inlaws do not like me - also related to dh's drinking. Dh began his journey to sobriety when he found himself in jail for public drunkenness, and I refused to bail him out. I left him there for three days, during which time I packed up all his stuff and had it waiting for him on the front step when he finally found someone to bail him out. I told him to come back sober or not at all.

My mil was furious at this - even though she herself is also a recovering alcoholic! She thinks I am not supportive enough of their disease, and that my insistence that I will kick him to the curb again if he falls off the wagon is undermining his recovery.

Dh and I joke sometimes that our marriage survives because we only have each other!

Is anyone else in a situation where their spouse is disliked by their family, and if so, how do you balance your conflicting loyalties?

 

[nativetxn]

My family adores my dh. I don't think my inlaws like me that much but that's the way life goes

 

[Living with the Land]

I can't stand DH family. They are a bunch of fruitcakes who blatently love one son more than the other. We have been discussing this all night. LOL

Holly

 

[LoveWDW]

My father-in-law liked me well enough, but my mother-in-law disliked me. My family feels that my husband is the best thing that ever happened to them.

 

[eeyore kelly]

My family adores DH and my sisters think of DH as a big brother and my parents think of him as a son.

My IL's hate me, but I consider it a compliment. I don't like them either

 

[Mysteria]

I got lucky in this regard. My MIL and FIL love me and I them. My family loves DH and he loves them too.

Myst

 

[Tjaleks]

My family loves DH and his loves me. Family functions are great on both ends

 

[va32h]

Okay, but instead of just saying yes or no, I was hoping we could discuss coping techniques. How do you keep family occasions civil and possibly even fun, when so much hostility is in the air?

Things like...visiting family alone, or not at all. How to hold your tongue when someone says something hateful, or how to diffuse a situation that is rapidly going downhill.

 

[Michie]

The DH, 2 of his sisters told me that I was the most hideous, most repulsive, most boring person to walk the face of the earth So, my guess would be that they dont care for me Honestly, I have never been anything but polite to them, I am a big believer in that it is easier to get along with somebody than it is not to. My MIL did not like me at all at first but my approval rating has grown, my BIL's they get a new wife about every 2 years so far they have been married to a stripper ( nothing wrong with, not insulting anybody, just the MIL doesn't approve) a gal who was convicted of grand larceny, another who had an affair with her minister,and one who was a kleptomanic.

 

[candykisses]

My family loves my husband and couldn't treat him any better.

My inlaws...well, I stole their firstborn son. We didn't see alot of them the two years we were married (his choice) ,then the accident happened. Things went to hell in a handbasket. I had to make some difficult decisions and they didn't agree with them. They thought they should be in charge.

The accident happened 23 years ago last Monday. We all get along better now, but they don't love me.

 

[TammyAlphabet]

My mother loathes my DH, and to tell the truth I don't blame her. Once, when he and I were not getting along, he called her and made some really hateful comments. Now, she didn't like him much before this, and after that, his name was dirt. If he had apologized, as he should have, this could have all been forgiven if not forgotten. But he is too stubborn. So, they are civil and that is it!

 

[Living with the Land]

I have gotten along with DH family for 7 years. Two weeks ago MIL decided she would rather go on a girls trip to New York than to my 6 year olds birthday party. Therefore, there is no more nice. I can fake it but don't hurt my baby or that's it.

Holly

 

[JVL1018]

My parents and my brothers (and wives) love my husband..my younger brother even chose my DH to be his best man over our older brother. LOL
DH loves them too--in his best man speech at my brothers wedding he said to our new SIL-there are no "inlaws" with us, we are all just family, so welcome to our family. It's very true.

My inalws love me(especially my FIL-he thinks I am the best thing ever LOL)and I love them. It's all good here!

 

[lovemygoofy]

Okay, but instead of just saying yes or no, I was hoping we could discuss coping techniques. How do you keep family occasions civil and possibly even fun, when so much hostility is in the air?

Things like...visiting family alone, or not at all. How to hold your tongue when someone says something hateful, or how to diffuse a situation that is rapidly going downhill.

My family absolutely adores my dh; I cannot tell you if my inlaws like me or not. Well okay that's not true: I think my father in law wants in my pants, my MIL wants me to find her a man and my SIL wants me to annoy my dh all the time. His grandparents are different of course and don't like either of us

As for keeping things civil, I can make small talk like no one has heard of UNTIL they start the "Matt bashing" They start in on him to get a "real job". Yes they do not think that the army is a real job and that he is is some uneducated bum off the street. They rag him to get an education so he can be one of them. When all this starts, I pretty much blow my top and that ends the day. Now I am a nice polite easy going southern girl BUT DO NOT RAG ON MY MAN!

A suggestion for keeping things civil and almost fun is boardgames. When we travel to see family we pack up tons of boardgames but nothing like monopoly or something that tests IQ. You know something that can be turned into a measuring stick game.

 

[Kitty 34]

I wasn't a big fan of my MIL (may she RIP) and I know she wasn't a big fan of me.

 

[Marseeya]

My parents like my DH just fine right now, but there was about a two-year span in my marriage where they couldn't stand him. We went through a really rough patch and eventually separated for a while. He was a real turd (putting it mildly) and I don't blame them. But he's since redeemed himself. Basically, he just went through a long period of proving himself to them. Everyone was just polite at get togethers and it worked out in the end.

As for my in-laws, I get along fine with FIL and we like each other. MIL, on the other hand, I have a difficult time being polite with. There are too many things she's done over the years to hurt my DH and I have a hard time dealing with it. Our relationship is polite, but only because we live so far away from her. If we lived closer and had to see each other more, I honestly don't know how I'd handle it.

 

[snoopy]

Myl ate MIL never liked any of her kids or grandkids spouses, no one was ever good enough for her kids. She liked me better than most, I think because I refused to partake in the game playing. DH and I met when we were kids so I had plenty of practice how to handle her, Unfailingly polite, always controlled. This was difficult for me as by nature I am a warm person who loves people to the fullest -- there really is no grey for me, I either love you or I don't. But I learned with her that loving to the fullest was not a quality she admired...she saw it as a weakness and often picked on those DILs or SILs who tried the hardest to win her favor. I did care for her in my own weird way, and I think she felt the same about me....at least that is the way I like to think of it. She passed away 2 years ago this past July.

As for FIL, I've probably exchanged about 20 words with the man in the 20 years I've been married to his son. He is a man of few words and quite frankly, he sort of scares me..........He was so tough on his kids growing up, with such high expectations....thank goodness DH has not emulated his father when it comes to parenting.

My parents loved DH, and he them, although it took awhile to get used to my demonstrative family. When we love you, you know it, but you also know it when we are mad at you or have a problem with something. DH was not used to this because his mother plays games when she is upset, so you have to figure it out. He wasn't prepared for someone just telling him upfront, or with just getting a hug and a kiss everytime they saw him. 20 years later, he considers my family his family.

 

[VSL]

Well, not married yet, but thought I'd add mine too:

My BF and my parents get on great (I'm the one who has a fiery relationship with my parents). Me and his parents get on fine, but...

- His dad will often 'show off' and laugh at me over really childish things. It's embarassing and no one else is laughing so I just don't get it. Makes me feel really small and stupid (maybe going back to when I was bullied when I was little?)
- His mum will go way out of her way to help my BF's older sister. This girl has commited credit card fraud on her exBF's mother (but her parents paid off the debt so her ex's parents didn't take her to court), does drugs, treats my BF like cr*p and then 'goes crying to mammy' when he decides that he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, steals BF's DVD's... this girl is 23yrs old! Can't wait for the reactions when everyone finds out that she will not be invited to our wedding...
Before I knew about all of the above I would encourage my BF to 'give her another chance', but then I found out. It's like everyone walks on eggshells around her too! Winds me up..
I've actually been really proud of BF for sticking to his guns over not seeing/speaking to her because he usually just tries to keep everyone happy no matter what. I've told him that I'll always be 100% behind him whatever he decides.

 

[HoneyPooh]

My parents loved my DH from day one. My father introduced us when we were seven years old. Even when DH and I seperated my parents and sisters treated him great. OTOH....my inlaws loved me until I married their son. After that it was all over. Never could figure out why, I guess I was okay for a girlfriend but not a wife. I spent about the first 10 years of my marriage trying to win their approval and then one day it dawned on me that I didn't really need it. DH's brother seemed to like me well enough, but never made an effort to be overly friendly, and DH's sister pretty much ignores me.

I spend as little time at DH's family functions as possible (he's okay with this because he doesn't enjoy them either!). I do just enough to be polite and leave it at that. I'm not expending any further energy on people who could care less. My DH's family sometimes hurts his feelings and at those times I can be a bear to them. He is a very sweet person, very non-confrontational, and very easy to take advantage of. He is the family memeber who does EVERYTHING for his parents. Any little thing, down to walking their dog, they call him and he runs to do it. He spends time every day doing things for them or running them somewhere. Most years he spends a good part of his vacation hours running them to doctor appointments and such. Every summer they have a beautifully mowed and edged yard and mine looks like doo doo unless I do it myself or the kids do it because DH spends hours and hours working on their yard while they sit on the porch and watch him. After all that they have accused him of not caring about them and never doing anything for them...Oooookaaaaayyyy!

It can be tough, but we've worked it out to where we don't usually worry about it. There are times though let me tell you

 

[Christine]

I think my in-laws think I'm 'just okay.'

Shortly before we were married, I figured out that my future SIL was being kind of critical of me. It was nothing big but it definitely cooled my friendliness toward her and it's never picked back up even 20 years later.

My MIL is a very sensitive person. Early in our marriage, we would be at family outings and, for no reason, she would cry and act like someone hurt her feelings. It NEVER got resolved as to what was said, so I end up being very "quiet" with her because I'm afraid I'll hurt her feelings.

I also never wanted to go to their house EVERY Sunday for dinner. I think this ticked them off.

So, we just have a very lukewarm relationship.

Plus their religious and political views couldn't be farther from my own.