Inspired by Dan's thread: What do you do...

[Rajah]

...when you've said something that unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings, even though you had no idea what you were going to say was going to hurt the others' feelings and didn't mean anything maliciously by it?

Like, if someone takes something totally innocent entirley the wrong way, do you apologize for hurting their feelings, even though they're being over-sensitive?

What about the other way around? If someone hurt your feelings, but you know they didn't mean anything by it, do you ask them for an apology?

 

[browneyes]

If I hurt someone, I immediately apologize. I HATE thinking I've intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone.

I wouldn't ask for an apology. I don't want someone to feel forced to apologize to me. I may tell them they've hurt me and why, but not because I want nor expect an apology.

 

[DisMNagain]

I never know how to handle this kind of thing...and I VERY often put my foot in my mouth.

Did it with a thread just today (or was it yesterday?)...
I suggested to a grieving mom that she donate some of her unused infants equipment/clothing to someone who might need it at this time of year...

Personally, I've found that reaching out to others when I'm hurting helps lessen MY pain...and I made my suggestion with that goal in mind.

Well.................seems that the suggestion was evil and unfeeling...NOT my intention whatsoever........

so I guess how I handle stuff like that is just to back away slowly and try to remember that I was attempting to be kind.

I'd love to know too, how other people handle this sort of thing.

 

[SonjaB]

I hunt them down and smack them with a rolled up newspaper.

 

[bsnyder]

I'd answer the way browneyes did.

 

[believe]

I apologize as soon as a realized I hurt them. I let them know that I did not mean to hurt them in any way.

As for asking for an apology...no. I just forgive and move on. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

[Rajah]

( I like to get a few answers to these questions before posting my own answer. )

I, too, try to apologize when I know I've hurt someone, whether I meant to or not.

Some people, I let know hurt my feelings. Others, I just ignore. Basically, if I consider them a friend, I let them know and sometimes hint for an apology (though usually, the friends apologize as soon as they know before I have to ask). If I don't consider the person a friend, I don't bother because I know they won't care one way or the other and letting them know would possibly just make them satisfied that they hurt my feelings.

Originally posted by SonjaH
I hunt them down and smack them with a rolled up newspaper.

LOL Sonja!

 

[DisMNagain]

I like Sonja's answer the best.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font face="Comic Sans MS"><font color=#006400>If I hurt someone's feelings - I apologize - that is not my intent, and I would want to know so I could rectify things. Even if I suspect I've hurt someone's feelings, I will apologize so we can 'fix it.'

If someone else hurts my feelings, I don't ask for an apology. If the relationship is important enough to me, I explain that my feelings were hurt, and why (like with my kids). Sometimes I know I won't get an apology, and if the relationship is important to me I will let it go (like w/my parents). Sometimes I need to let the relationship go because the hurt was an indication of lack of concern or care for me (my ex-h and a friend I once had - different incidences).

Some hurts are totally unintentional, and I forget all about those - they're not worth the sand they're written on.

 

[Buckalew]

Rajah,
I've hurt someone unintentionally before (once or twice or maybe more...) and I have asked for forgiveness. Sometimes it isn't a matter of forgiveness but a matter of agreeing to disagree which I think I've also done with others here. I always try to make it right with someone if I know about it because I know I'll sleep better because of how I treat this place and the people here (who are, again, very real to me)

I don't think I'd ask for an apology even if I'd like to have one. Heck, I won't even ask DH for one...(I'm a bit stubborn sometimes). I just have to work that scenerio out on my own. They may never known how I feel about the hurt...

I like peace between people. If you have been here for awhile, you would remember an infamous post I made requesting peace. While it may have been a stupid or impossible thing to strive for, I will never regret trying for it. (Heck, if it would have happened, I quite possibly may have won the DIS Noble Peace Prize. )

 

[ByTheSea]

Originally posted by Mary Jo

<font face="Comic Sans MS"><font color=#006400>If I hurt someone's feelings - I apologize - that is not my intent, and I would want to know so I could rectify things. Even if I suspect I've hurt someone's feelings, I will apologize so we can 'fix it.'

If someone else hurts my feelings, I don't ask for an apology. If the relationship is important enough to me, I explain that my feelings were hurt, and why (like with my kids). Sometimes I know I won't get an apology, and if the relationship is important to me I will let it go (like w/my parents). Sometimes I need to let the relationship go because the hurt was an indication of lack of concern or care for me (my ex-h and a friend I once had - different incidences).

Some hurts are totally unintentional, and I forget all about those - they're not worth the sand they're written on.

My feelings exactly.

I won't ask for an apology, but if it's someone I care about, I will let them know I'm hurt, just as if I unintentionally hurt or offended someone I would HOPE they let me know, so I can offer them a rollup up newspaper and a clear shot at my noggin.... or at least a chance to clarify if it was a misunderstanding or miscommunication.

 

[Rajah]

I remember that post, Bucky -- It was a very noble effort, anyway.

I'm like you -- I like everyone to get along. Which doesn't mean they have to agree, but when they disagree, do so in a friendly manner.

 

[catsrule]

I would apologize. I wouldn't ask for an apology, things roll off my shoulders pretty easily, I forget about it the next day, usually.

 

[stormlover]

Originally posted by Rajah
I, too, try to apologize when I know I've hurt someone, whether I meant to or not.

Some people, I let know hurt my feelings. Others, I just ignore. Basically, if I consider them a friend, I let them know and sometimes hint for an apology (though usually, the friends apologize as soon as they know before I have to ask). If I don't consider the person a friend, I don't bother because I know they won't care one way or the other and letting them know would possibly just make them satisfied that they hurt my feelings.

I'll agree with Rajah. Typically if I've hurt someone I care about, I'll immediatly notice the change in attitude and do whatever I have to do to make it right. Vice versa applies to me...they'll notice MY change in attitude. If the relationship is one worth keeping we'll BOTH work toward keeping it happy for both of us.

However Rajah also put into words my feelings exactly about letting people who don't give a fig for me know that they've hurt me. Many times the hurt they cause is intentional, and anyone who'd cause intentional hurt isn't really a friend to begin with. If I unintentionally hurt the person who is intentionally trying to hurt me, then I feel no apology is necessary or warrented.

 

[helenabear]

If I unintentionally hurt someone I will do my best to apologize and let them know that itw as not my intention at all. I don't ever like bad things like that hanging over my head so I apologize and talk it out to make sure everything is okay.

If someone does the same to me, I never ask for an apology. First of all there is no point in going for a forced apology and sometimes just talking it out gets things "fixed" I do let people know that my feelings were hurt, but that is only because I need to get things out when something is bothering me. I am not one who is good at keeping things inside for long periods of time though. Just knowing all okay again is good enough for me. Once I know everything is good again I let it all drop and don't bring it up again.

 

[pollyanna]

If I unintentionally hurt the person who is intentionally trying to hurt me, then I feel no apology is necessary or warrented. [/B]

But what if you INTENTIONALLY hurt someone who is an all around nice person.......simply to get a rise from their friends? To me ,no apology, or gesture (Like a BIG ol picture of a rose ) will make things right again.

 

[Buckalew]

pollyanna,
I think if you intentionally hurt someone the monkey is on your back. Even if you apologize to that person, you still have a lot to deal with yourself. I don't think that you can intentionally hurt someone w/o there being some sort of deeper problem in your life. JMHO.

However, if you are hurt by someone intentionally and they apologize and are sincere (like they don't keep hurting you or others intentionally), then I think you should try to forgive and go on. Doesn't mean you have to be best buddies, or that you forget that you were hurt and set yourself up to be hurt again. You need to try to forgive and go on and be cautious of that person, possibly even seperating yourself from them so that they don't even have the chance of hurting you again. Again, JMHO

Oh and flowers never get it...

 

[Patrick IL.]

If its opinions you want I shall share mine. If it was unintentional I would handle it via a personal note, pm or email. I believe at times running a post saying you unintentionally hurt someone on the boards just complicates the situation. Now that person could be embarressed or feel more fuel is being thrown on the fire. A note of apology or explaination is what is in order....things are best handled that way IMHO.

 

[dianeschlicht]

If I unitentionally hurt someones feelings, I apologize if I find out about it. If someone is a whinney butt and their posts anger or offend me, I don't post on the thread.