Insensitive People: A Vent

[Luv Bunnies]

I went to a family reunion last night and saw aunts, uncles and cousins that I hadn't seen in years. Most of them had never met my kids or had just seen them when they were very young. I was excited to show off my boys and introduce them to some of their relatives.

My DS14 has Asperger's and I knew he would be a little challenged by a large gathering. He doesn't like meeting new people and he gets a little freaked out when people try to touch him. My parents had visited with some relatives earlier in the day and explained to a few people that my older son has some challenges. My mom said they were all very understanding.

My son did pretty well. He mostly tried to hide behind me or hung out with my dad (my DH was out of town and couldn't be there). Most of my relatives were good with him. Some were curious about Asperger's and how we deal with it, how he does in school, etc. I was happy to explain it to them.

Everything was going fine until one of my aunts pulled me aside before we left. She said, "Your boys are just beautiful!" I said, "Thank you!" and had a proud mommy moment. Then she said, "It's just such a terrible shame about your older boy, you know, that he's like that." I was floored by this but just said that we're very proud of him.

What would drive someone to say such a thing? What's a shame? That I have a very beautiful and intelligent boy who happens to have a few social challenges? That he doesn't fit her definition of "perfect?" My son is who he is and I don't think it's a shame at all. I'm proud of him and my DH and I are proud of ourselves for what we've done for him.

I know I should just ignore those kinds of comments and I tried. It's just that it stung a little coming from an aunt. OK. Vent over. Thanks for listening.

 

[MonkeyDishwasher]

It seems like she was trying to be supportive of how difficult she thinks your situation must be for you, and worded it wrong. I really wouldn't let it bother you too much, unless if she had some sort of awful sneer about it when she made her comment. Also, it would seem since she pulled you to the side and had a more intimate moment of conversation with you, rather than making it a declaration in front of a mob of people, she was still trying to be sincere and sensitive about her comment as well.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I firmly believe that even Miss Manners would agree that saying something along the lines of "A shame? I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean at all!" would be a valid response.

Ignorance crosses all boundaries as you know.

Your son is wonderful. Period.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

I went to a family reunion last night and saw aunts, uncles and cousins that I hadn't seen in years. Most of them had never met my kids or had just seen them when they were very young. I was excited to show off my boys and introduce them to some of their relatives.

My DS14 has Asperger's and I knew he would be a little challenged by a large gathering. He doesn't like meeting new people and he gets a little freaked out when people try to touch him. My parents had visited with some relatives earlier in the day and explained to a few people that my older son has some challenges. My mom said they were all very understanding.

My son did pretty well. He mostly tried to hide behind me or hung out with my dad (my DH was out of town and couldn't be there). Most of my relatives were good with him. Some were curious about Asperger's and how we deal with it, how he does in school, etc. I was happy to explain it to them.

Everything was going fine until one of my aunts pulled me aside before we left. She said, "Your boys are just beautiful!" I said, "Thank you!" and had a proud mommy moment. Then she said, "It's just such a terrible shame about your older boy, you know, that he's like that." I was floored by this but just said that we're very proud of him.

What would drive someone to say such a thing? What's a shame? That I have a very beautiful and intelligent boy who happens to have a few social challenges? That he doesn't fit her definition of "perfect?" My son is who he is and I don't think it's a shame at all. I'm proud of him and my DH and I are proud of ourselves for what we've done for him.

I know I should just ignore those kinds of comments and I tried. It's just that it stung a little coming from an aunt. OK. Vent over. Thanks for listening.

I totally understand and feel your pain and frustration. I've dealt with my fair share of comments concerning my son's issues from people who either truly don't understand or are just plain ignorant. Either way it hurts. And it hurts more when it's from family. Been there too.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry someone, anyone would say that to you. That's a hit right to the heart. I don't know if I could speak after hearing that.

You handled yourself beautifully. You know what's important. It's a shame others don't.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I am so sorry that you had to deal with that comment. I can understand how you feel. My sisters youngest daughter has Down Syndrome and we have heard similar, very terrible things. I know how much it bothers my sister. She is very strong and she does say things to people to set them straight. My niece is our angel and unfortunately some people do not realize what they are saying is very hurtful and WRONG.
How old is your aunt? Is she elderly? This is not an excuse, but sometimes the "older" generation just doesn't know how to say things. I work with the elderly and some of them are just not "politically correct" at all . They still use some derogatory remarks that make me cringe, but all I can do is roll my eyes and let the smoke clear from my steam.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I am so sorry that you had to deal with that comment. I can understand how you feel. My sisters youngest daughter has Down Syndrome and we have heard similar, very terrible things. I know how much it bothers my sister. She is very strong and she does say things to people to set them straight. My niece is our angel and unfortunately some people do not realize what they are saying is very hurtful and WRONG.
How old is your aunt? Is she elderly? This is not an excuse, but sometimes the "older" generation just doesn't know how to say things. I work with the elderly and some of them are just not "politically correct" at all . They still use some derogatory remarks that make me cringe, but all I can do is roll my eyes and let the smoke clear from my steam.

My aunt is in her mid-70s. She's lived in the same small town for most of her life, never really goes anywhere, never had a job outside of the home, told her kids not to waste time in college, asked my parents why their kids were in college instead of working. She hasn't been exposed to diverse types of people. I guess I shouldn't be surprised about what she said.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I firmly believe that even Miss Manners would agree that saying something along the lines of "A shame? I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean at all!" would be a valid response.

Ignorance crosses all boundaries as you know.

Your son is wonderful. Period.

Thanks for saying that! You're wonderful too!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I'm sure your aunt didn't mean to be mean or hurt your feelings. Sometimes people try to say things to try and be supportive and it may come out all wrong.

I'm certainly not condoning what she said to you. But I'm hopeful she didn't mean to be offensive. I'm sure your son is a beautiful, smart loving young man.

 

[Sparx]

I really don't think she was being malicious. It seems like she was trying to say she understands that hardships come along with raising special needs children. I feel like she was trying to be nice, but said it very wrong.

 

[Ceila]

Does she usually say hurtful things like that? Or is she someone who normally is nice? I hope she was trying to be supportive but just (completely!) missed the mark.

 

[Ember]

I really don't think she was being malicious. It seems like she was trying to say she understands that hardships come along with raising special needs children. I feel like she was trying to be nice, but said it very wrong.

This is how I would take it. Not as a slight against your son, but as an attempt at compassion that he has to struggle and that there is extra stress on you in having a child with needs.

Keep in mind that she probably has no framework for the concept of Asperger's and has no idea what that actually means. I would take it in the same way I took my grandmothers comments about my non-white friends. I honestly don't believe she meant to be racist in some of the things she said, because she taught me to not judge people based on what they look like on the outside. But she was also raised in a time and culture where she heard words and phrases in such a common place way that it simply didn't occur to her that her words could be hurtful.

You said she's 70, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. From the comment about your boys being beautiful coming first, I doubt she intended to be cruel.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Not to derail, but I work with the elderly.

There is never an "excuse" for being mean. (Not saying the Aunt in this scenairo was, unthinking perhaps?). Just because someone grew up in an era where saying "colored" was not an insult does not mean that they can't learn that it is now.

And some words were ALWAYS an insult, regardless of what age you may be today.

I find it a particularly insidious form of ageism to think that just because someone is "old" they don't know any better than to be insulting.

OK. Off the soapbox now.

Back to the important aspect of this thread, assuring Mom that her child is NOT someone who brings any form of shame to their family.

 

[kirbydog48]

As someone who also has a son with Asperger's (10), I can so relate. I think people just have no clue what we deal with on a daily basis, the not being invited to parties, the insensitive comments, the embarrassment when they have "outbursts". Us moms, especially of kids with challenges, are warriors, and our hearts get broken for our kids. Just know that he's an amazing kid in a great family, and what she said is not a reflection of anything to do with you, but of her lack of understanding. Just know you're not alone.

 

[Ember]

Not to derail, but I work with the elderly.

There is never an "excuse" for being mean. (Not saying the Aunt in this scenairo was, unthinking perhaps?). Just because someone grew up in an era where saying "colored" was not an insult does not mean that they can't learn that it is now.

And some words were ALWAYS an insult, regardless of what age you may be today.

I find it a particularly insidious form of ageism to think that just because someone is "old" they don't know any better than to be insulting.

OK. Off the soapbox now.

Back to the important aspect of this thread, assuring Mom that her child is NOT someone who brings any form of shame to their family.

You're right, but when you get into your 70's and 80's I think we can also cut a little slack when no ill intention is meant. Add a little dementia or memory loss in there, and I really do think you should take the context of a statement over the words used.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really don't think she was being malicious. It seems like she was trying to say she understands that hardships come along with raising special needs children. I feel like she was trying to be nice, but said it very wrong.

Ditto.

 

[ols386]

I doubt that your aunt was intentionally trying to be mean by saying what she did. She probably just chose the wrong word. Didn't she also say that "your boys" (which sounds like she was including ALL of them), are beautiful? I think you should focus on the positive comment rather than the negative comment.

But it probably would have hurt my feelings a bit if someone said that to me about one of my children, on that particular subject.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

Not to derail, but I work with the elderly.

There is never an "excuse" for being mean. (Not saying the Aunt in this scenairo was, unthinking perhaps?). Just because someone grew up in an era where saying "colored" was not an insult does not mean that they can't learn that it is now.

And some words were ALWAYS an insult, regardless of what age you may be today.

I find it a particularly insidious form of ageism to think that just because someone is "old" they don't know any better than to be insulting.

OK. Off the soapbox now.

Back to the important aspect of this thread, assuring Mom that her child is NOT someone who brings any form of shame to their family.

I didn't say it was an excuse, in fact in my sentence I did say "This is not an excuse".

 

[Katieinwonderland]

I would guess that she was trying to be supportive and it just came out the wrong way. Sometimes people don't know what to say, try to say something caring and end up saying something hurtful without meaning to.

As hard as it may be to forget a comment like that, I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't mean it how it came out. Your son sounds like he did great!

 

[minkydog]

Everything was going fine until one of my aunts pulled me aside before we left. She said, "Your boys are just beautiful!" I said, "Thank you!" and had a proud mommy moment. Then she said, "It's just such a terrible shame about your older boy, you know, that he's like that." I was floored by this but just said that we're very proud of him.

What would drive someone to say such a thing? What's a shame? That I have a very beautiful and intelligent boy who happens to have a few social challenges? That he doesn't fit her definition of "perfect?" My son is who he is and I don't think it's a shame at all. I'm proud of him and my DH and I are proud of ourselves for what we've done for him.

I know I should just ignore those kinds of comments and I tried. It's just that it stung a little coming from an aunt. OK. Vent over. Thanks for listening.

I have been on the receiving end of some of those comments, too, and I never get used to them. Most people are simply uninformed. In my experience, it's been more likely to be the older generation that does it. I don't know exactly why they're so blunt, maybe we all lose some of our social inhibitions when we're older and say things we wouldn't have said in our younger days. I try to just consider the source. My own father made a snide comment about Christian one time--"How did you end up with a man who gave you a kid LIKE THAT?" I said, "Just lucky, I guess."
I lost a friendship when a woman who I thought was a good friend made a very insensitive comment and then went right on making them! I flat out told her that my life was not a horrible one, that we have deeper love and compassion as a result of sharing our lives with our son. I finally just let that friendship die because it was too painful to continue.

Here's a saying DH and I use when someone is being a moron or just plain insensitive: "They just don't have enough handicapped kids in their lives." And I mean it in a good way. If they would only open their hearts to kids who live with disabilities it would change their lives forever.