In this corner, we have "Etiquette"... in the other corner, we have...

[LuvCuteBoys]

... "Compassion, Caring, and Love"....


There have been at least three different threads in the last couple weeks that make me wonder if my family and friends are really that much different from the rest of the world. Or, at least, the rest of the US.

I understand the importance of etiquette as long as it doesn't trump common sense and common courtesy. What I really don't understand is the need for etiquette for the sake of etiquette... even if it means purposely inconveniencing those you love.

For example... the honeymoon registry thread. A lot of the reaction on that thread was outrage at the concept that anyone would ask for such a thing, combined with the notion that you shouldn't expect a gift and whatever someone gives you should be good enough.

My thought on that is... it would be completely rude to turn down guests at a wedding reception if they didn't bring a gift. HOWEVER, does anyone really NOT expect to get gifts for a wedding?? And, as I mentioned on that thread... if you had the ability to do so, wouldn't you rather give a gift that you know will be put to good use? I simply don't understand the logic behind "asking for cash is tacky, I'd much rather give you a coffee maker you won't use instead".

The "shower" thread is what prompted me to start this one... sure, the recipient could have the gifts shipped. But if you know that there is an easier way, why wouldn't you want to do that for her?

Why do we treat our loved ones like this, just for the sake of not being tacky?

 

[Owlpost23]

I remember a thread about Disney pixie dust-a woman had said that her child had dropped ice cream all over the shirt and the lady went to a CM to ask where the bathroom was so she could clean her child up.The CM proceeded to take the lady to a shop and gave her a new Tshirt for her child.When the woman said how grateful she was,the CM told her that had she asked for a new Tshirt for her child because of the spill,he would have shown her where the bathroom was.Because she asked about the location of the restroom,the CM gave her a new Tshirt.THAT'S WHY you don't ask for money as a gift!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

... "Compassion, Caring, and Love"....


There have been at least three different threads in the last couple weeks that make me wonder if my family and friends are really that much different from the rest of the world. Or, at least, the rest of the US.

I understand the importance of etiquette as long as it doesn't trump common sense and common courtesy. What I really don't understand is the need for etiquette for the sake of etiquette... even if it means purposely inconveniencing those you love.

For example... the honeymoon registry thread. A lot of the reaction on that thread was outrage at the concept that anyone would ask for such a thing, combined with the notion that you shouldn't expect a gift and whatever someone gives you should be good enough.

My thought on that is... it would be completely rude to turn down guests at a wedding reception if they didn't bring a gift. HOWEVER, does anyone really NOT expect to get gifts for a wedding?? And, as I mentioned on that thread... if you had the ability to do so, wouldn't you rather give a gift that you know will be put to good use? I simply don't understand the logic behind "asking for cash is tacky, I'd much rather give you a coffee maker you won't use instead".

The "shower" thread is what prompted me to start this one... sure, the recipient could have the gifts shipped. But if you know that there is an easier way, why wouldn't you want to do that for her?

Why do we treat our loved ones like this, just for the sake of not being tacky?

The entire point of a shower is to give gifts.

If the recipient does not want to have to deal with gift issues then you do not have a gift party.

You are forgetting to use logic & common sense here.

 

[Magpie]

I didn't even read those threads as I have zero interest in weddings. My husband and I got a judge to marry us, and then told all our friends about it afterward.

In retrospect, we should have told our friends beforehand, as some of them were a bit ticked that we'd denied them to opportunity to celebrate on our behalf.

No regrets about the ceremony, though. If I could have dropped the judge part and just signed the form, I'd have gone for that.

Etiquette exists to smooth the corners of human interaction. If it's causing problems, then it's not good etiquette, no matter what it is. There was a wonderful scene in a movie I saw when I was a child called Greystoke. Tarzan has been brought home to his high class family, and he doesn't know his table manners. Everyone is horrified, but then the matriarch at the head of the table pick up HER food with her fingers and calmly begins eating just like Tarzan. I remember my mother pointing that scene out to me and saying, "Now, that's good etiquette!"

A host or hostesses' responsibility to make his or her guests feel comfortable trumps everything.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I remember a thread about Disney pixie dust-a woman had said that her child had dropped ice cream all over the shirt and the lady went to a CM to ask where the bathroom was so she could clean her child up.The CM proceeded to take the lady to a shop and gave her a new Tshirt for her child.When the woman said how grateful she was,the CM told her that had she asked for a new Tshirt for her child because of the spill,he would have shown her where the bathroom was.Because she asked about the location of the restroom,the CM gave her a new Tshirt.THAT'S WHY you don't ask for money as a gift!!!

I honestly don't see how the two things are even remotely similar.

You are forgetting to use logic & common sense here.

I guess I really have nothing else to say. I fail to see how my thoughts, whether you agree with them or not, can be equated to me forgetting to use logic and common sense.

Whatever.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I honestly don't see how the two things are even remotely similar.



I guess I really have nothing else to say. I fail to see how my thoughts, whether you agree with them or not, can be equated to me forgetting to use logic and common sense.

Whatever.

Then that is why we use etiquette. I think you have proven the importance of etiquette.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Then that is why we use etiquette. I think you have proven the importance of etiquette.

Huh?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I remember a thread about Disney pixie dust-a woman had said that her child had dropped ice cream all over the shirt and the lady went to a CM to ask where the bathroom was so she could clean her child up.The CM proceeded to take the lady to a shop and gave her a new Tshirt for her child.When the woman said how grateful she was,the CM told her that had she asked for a new Tshirt for her child because of the spill,he would have shown her where the bathroom was.Because she asked about the location of the restroom,the CM gave her a new Tshirt.THAT'S WHY you don't ask for money as a gift!!!

Your post says it all.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Your post says it all.

I don't get it. At all. How is a little bit of "pay it foward" between a bunch of strangers the same thing as wanting to help out your friends? That was a really nice thing for the CM to do. But that doesn't have anything at all to do with knowingly giving my sister a gift she can't use that she'll have to return... just because etiquette says that she should be greatful.

 

[MichelleVW]

I remember a thread about Disney pixie dust-a woman had said that her child had dropped ice cream all over the shirt and the lady went to a CM to ask where the bathroom was so she could clean her child up.The CM proceeded to take the lady to a shop and gave her a new Tshirt for her child.When the woman said how grateful she was,the CM told her that had she asked for a new Tshirt for her child because of the spill,he would have shown her where the bathroom was.Because she asked about the location of the restroom,the CM gave her a new Tshirt.THAT'S WHY you don't ask for money as a gift!!!

Your post says it all.

Huh?? I don't get anything out of that post. I can't believe anyone would go into a shop and demand a FREE t shirt just because one got dirty...unless the person that owned the shop someone was the reason for the messy shirt. That is just too bizarre even for the rude people in this world.

What the heck does that have to do with gift registries??

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't get it. At all. How is a little bit of "pay it foward" between a bunch of strangers the same thing as wanting to help out your friends? That was a really nice thing for the CM to do. But that doesn't have anything at all to do with knowingly giving my sister a gift she can't use that she'll have to return... just because etiquette says that she should be greatful.

Truly "paying it forward" would be for your sister to give the coffemaker to someone who needs it.

"Paying it Forward" is not about you getting stuff it is about giving.

 

[Owlpost23]

OceanAnnie-thank you! As for having nothing to do with gift registeries,my post showed it's all in how you approach things in life.Don't be a greedy grabber,and good things come your way.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Truly "paying it forward" would be for your sister to give the coffemaker to someone who needs it.

"Paying it Forward" is not about you getting stuff it is about giving.

Wouldn't it make more sense for ME to give the coffee maker to someone who needs it (and I use the word "need" very loosely here) and give my sister something she needs as well??

I just don't understand going out of my way to give my sister something I know she doesn't need.

And, besides... my "paying it forward" comment was directed toward the CM and the family. Not a wedding gift for my sister.

Who gives wedding gifts with the thought of "sweet, I hope they can pay it forward"???

 

[OceanAnnie]

OceanAnnie-thank you! As for having nothing to do with gift registeries,my post showed it's all in how you approach things in life.Don't be a greedy grabber,and good things come your way.

MTE.

You're welcome.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

OceanAnnie-thank you! As for having nothing to do with gift registeries,my post showed it's all in how you approach things in life.Don't be a greedy grabber,and good things come your way.

In that case, you shouldn't have a gift registry at all. Unless you specifically ask for "no gifts" (or get married the way Magpie did), I think most people would be disappointed to find out that nobody gave them a wedding gift. It's not because you're being a "greedy grabber"... it's because the norm is to get gifts at a wedding.

I just think there needs to be a happy medium somewhere. Personally, if I care enough about someone to buy them a gift, I want it to be something they can use that will either make them really happy or will help them out somehow. If I knew that the person I was buying a gift for would have to pay to ship it home, I would go out of my way to avoid that for her.

 

[Carly_Roach]

A host or hostesses' responsibility to make his or her guests feel comfortable trumps everything.

There it is in a nutshell.

However, it is understood that the guest won't come into an event demanding that things be only their way. In the Tarzan example, the guest didn't know any better so the host reacted in as gracious a manner as possible. However, if Tarzan had known better but still insisted that everyone eat with their fingers just because he wanted to, that would have been gauche.

Manners and etiquette exist for the comfort of the majority of the people at any gathering. If 90% of the people at any gathering are texting their friends at the table (a common faux pas), then a gracious host allows for no one to correct the behavior. It would be later, after those guests have left, that the host would consider whether or not to invite that majority to a dinner party again.

 

[OceanAnnie]

In that case, you shouldn't have a gift registry at all. Unless you specifically ask for "no gifts" (or get married the way Magpie did), I think most people would be disappointed to find out that nobody gave them a wedding gift. It's not because you're being a "greedy grabber"... it's because the norm is to get gifts at a wedding.

To me, it's not the registries that's the problem. It's the morphing of registries. Asking for specific "exotic" things such as a honeymoon registry or large ticket items isn't why registries were created. Registries began as a way to help out those that didn't have things to start a marriage or have a baby.

I understand people start out with more now than in the past. But some of these "over the top" registries do raise eyebrows as evidenced by the threads here on the DIS. There is a reason for those raised eyebrows. IMO, etiquette hasn't changed but over the years (some) people's views on what is acceptable has changed quite a bit.

 

[Gigi22]

I guess I differ from many. When I was engaged, I asked my mother to let my friends know, if anyone asked, that I did not want to have any showers.

My reasoning was that I had been on my own for a number of years and had accumulated a lot of household stuff, and I knew we were going to move into our first house within weeks of getting married. We didn't need more stuff to move. We had money in the bank, and we had paid for our own honeymoon.

Showers just seemed somehow greedy to me.

 

[cluvsdisney]

OP - I think I know what you are talking about.

I didn't read the shower thread but I did respond to the HM registry thread that I am buying/bringing a gift no matter what. If I can get them something I know they truly want then mission accomplished.

Registries are not that new and they are just a guideline for the gift giver if they choose to use it. I know certain people purposely avoid using them which is perfectly fine - no one is required to use them. I do think it's rude when a gift recipient is annoyed a gift didn't come off their registry. As long as the gift is thoughtful, it should be appreciated.

In certain situations like this I don't really stand on ceremony with my family & friends -- the people I love that love me. When I buy a gift, I want them to thoroughly enjoy it. So I will shop off a registry unless I find/think of something I know they will really love.

If I will be a guest in their house and ask "what can I bring?" I appreciate it when they are direct and say x, y or z - since I won't come empty handed and the purpose is to help the host, not saddle them with the 15th dessert or something else that may go to waste

 

[Carly_Roach]

In that case, you shouldn't have a gift registry at all. Unless you specifically ask for "no gifts" (or get married the way Magpie did), I think most people would be disappointed to find out that nobody gave them a wedding gift. It's not because you're being a "greedy grabber"... it's because the norm is to get gifts at a wedding.

Bolded is the crux of why I believe marriages fail 50% or more of the time. People look at the event as "Something for me! Look at me! Come see me!" rather than focusing on the reason for the event in the first place: a bonding of two people who've decided to live as one.

Receiving gifts on such an occasion might be considered the "norm", but I have yet to receive a wedding invitation that says, "Come share our day and give the happy couple a gift. Here's a list of what they want. And if you're attending the reception please note that it's $100 a head so your gift had better cover the cost of you and your guest."

Most wedding invitations say, "Please share the event with us". An event, I may say, used to be sacred but is now considered just another reason to throw a party and get gifts. Once the party is over and the hard part starts (being married for better or worse), those who got the most or the best "gifts" seem to be those who divorce the quickest.

Hence the reason why people don't want to spend too much on a gift, if they even give one at all. Personally, I'd much rather spend $500 on a wedding gift after the couple has been married for 5 or more years. But etiquette dictates that I bring something to the wedding when we're invited so we bring something generic.