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- Jan 19, 2006
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Okay so here is the story...Last year myself and my best friend went to Disney. We decided to visit Typhoon Lagoon and waddled right in like we belonged!
We are both big people and I am aware that weight + weight + water + double tube + rollercoaster slide + swimsuit + slightly stupid lifeguard = I am going to die!
This being prefaced...we had a pretty good day and then decided
to ride the newest ride Crush-N-Gusher. (Note to self...avoid rides with the term Crush unless it involves a turtle. End of Note to self)
The premise of this ride is it is a water rollercoaster..water sends you down hills...and water plus rollers (that is reminicent of old fashioned grocery store rollers that used to bring bags of groceries outside for car pick up) brings you back up the hill. That is the thought anyway.
Now again...we are bigguns...chunky monkeys...large marges...chubby cubbies...rolly pollies...pinup plumpies....ya get the picture???
We are not Pam Anderson's...Bo Derek's...Farah Fawcett's...Jennifer Anniston's...Margaret Thatcher's...Hilary Clinton's... ya get it (although we are sexier than the last 2....and I realise that is not saying a lot... I think a naked mole rat is sexier than them.)
Okay....back to the story....
So we wait in line and Miss. Suzie Q "Hiiiiii....like this is such a funnnn ride.....you will have a greatttt time" gum snap...gum snap...gum snap.....greets us.
I ask Miss. Suzie Q...."ah... is there a weight limmit for the tube slides?"
Now I know she heard my voice and recognized it was english because her head tilted and her blinking was faster
but I knew she had no clue 
.I am aware I weigh 250ish but there are bigger people in the world and I have to believe they have been in Disney before. I have seen the Price is Right and I know Bob Barker has some big ole Samoan men and women who scared the "Help control the pet population...please have your pets spayed or neutered."
right out of Bob. So I have to think someone has asked this question before.Suzie Q says "No one has ever asked me that before." (Please play the cricket sound here from "It's a Bug Life " 3D movie.)
I say...can you find out.
She says...okay...
She gets back to me with the fact that there is no weight limit but that "Bananna Blaster only allows 2 riders."
I again clarify... "You are sure of that."
She says..."yes...I asked my supervisor."
So me and my friend grab a double tube and head up Mt. Everest and I don't mean the ride at ANIMAL KINGDOM!
We wait in line and notice a lot of skinny minnies...vow we will be in better shape next year....and then prepare to get on. That in itself is not a fun experience. My friend is bigger than I (300 ish) and needs to sit in the back. We looked like two manatee's wedged into a baby swim ring.
Thank God they now have the rollers that propel you forward into the ride because it saved us from the embarrasment of (Over a loudspeaker) "Can we get assistance to help pull some big ones on the Bananna Blaster...like a pack of Clydesdales from Sea World."
This is when hell started...I have seen the gates of hell and it is not all about fire.
It is about running water....rollers that rip your anus off and hand it back to you the next hill down (with not so much as a thank you for borrowing it for 30 seconds) and lots of screaming and praying to God in your out loud voice.
I know this because I lived through this.
That was the good part.
That was the "Oh Happy Day's" part... the kicker was...who needs an anus when you are about to lose your head.
So as we are careening at Olympic Bob Sled speeds...we hit a bank....my memory was it went right then left very fast...although being in a coma for 15 years after...might alter the details a wee bit. We were going very fast. Fast enough to get a speeding ticket on the freeway....fast enough to enter the danger zone. (I did not feel the need...the need for speed...in fact I think I was asking mommy to please make it stop.)
And then....as we banked to the left...we were riding the ceiling and that thing called gravity...yeah... it called.
Tukkus over teakettle we went....I slammed my head off the tunnel and then I remember thinking very fast rapid thoughts...
I am going to die....
I am going to own Mickey...
I can't see squat because I have contacts in and can't open my eyes with water pouring in them...
I need to plug my nose...
OMG do we go up again...I will be killed by the rollers when they grab my hair and rip my scalp off...
My freakin head hurts...
I am going to die...
My friend is coming behind me and I will be actually crushed and gushed...
Will they change the rides name to "Dawn's Dumba** Knew better?"
Then we rolled and swished around for about 20 more seconds...TG no more uphills and flew out. My friend was aware I flew right and successfully flew left.
This is where it gets good.
Paul Poloroid the ever popular Disney picture taker..stood slacked jawed when realising we were not in a tube. He does not work for Time or Newsweek because although astoot enough to point out the obvious...did not snap a pic or offer help. He did though, after picking his bottom lip off the cement point out to Suzie Q that there was something awry.
He also said "That is not supposed to happen."
YA THINK!!!
The fact I was holding my head and bleeding or that the tube was suspended/wedged in the ride tunnel and not comming out was not a big enough clue for her.
Head supervisor Phillip (who was so smart that he told Miss. Suzie Q that there was no weight limit) was there and he helped me out. He actually let me sit down but not until he pointed out to my friend that the tube was stuck.
My friend said that a size 10 foot was going to be stuck somewhere. (okay..not really but that seems very John Wayneish)
Seriously though...he did point out we did not bring our tube with us as we exited the ride.
We said ....ya know I was thinking I was missing something as I was catipulted at Mach 80 out of the tunnel.....
what was it now...
my suit...no...
my anus....no got that back....
oh yeah the freakin tube that was supposed to hold unlimmited amounts of weight you silly goose!
After sitting with extreme embarrasment in front of potential ride goers, holding an ice bag...I found this out.
Disney actuallly has more limits than the manufacturer requests. Disney found out that the Bananna Blaster is the fastest ride and thus made sure only 2 riders are allowed.
We pointed out to the master that although he may only count 2 sets of feet...we are the eqivalent in weight of 3-4 adults.
We pointed out the very real possibility of death had the ride gone bad earlier...and then gone up-hill.
We were educated in the fact that us being dumped was supposed to trigger at least one of the hundreds of censors along the ride. If anything goes wrong the ride is suppossed to shut down.
Philip said this with true conviction.
I said he was ill informed...
my friend said if a person the size of "Mobey Dick" couldn't set off a censor than the ride has problems.
We were offered a chance to ride a different section and we could get right on with no wait in line due to the unfortunate circumstances....and we could even take the elevator!! Oh Goodie!!!
So we declined...left early and now as I am writing this ...know I should ask for a refund on that day. My head hurt for the next 3 days and my anus is recovering after plastic surgery with Dr. 90210. That's right...I had the first ever analplastise. It's a hot episode that will air in March.
Thank You for your patience...
you can exit the theater now.
I would be going to the grocery store in it! Actually..the dentist and the local car wash too!
right now it would be more like the size of a firepole...or a telephone pole...we could be the improved AT&T....(A**,T*TS & Tonage!)
You look stunning and you look so happy.
But I was really happy in that photo. I've been to WDW twice with my DH and DD as well as other times, but this was my best trip anywhere in a long time. For once I felt happy and relaxed and like the work I did on the trip mattered. Sad, huh? That I never felt that before with my family? I guess there's an issue to work on!
