In search of my body...not the one I ate!

I am totally lmao .... at Kat's reason for why she edited her last post! :lmao: :rotfl2:
 
Dawn--the timing is what it is. We will not think you are a terrible person. On the contrary, you are a wonderful, kind, giving, caring person. OF COURSE you should have someone like that to be with. You deserve happiness and love and tenderness and compassion and fun...not having crap thrown at you by a giant turd!

I so wish I could help out with your living situation! I have this wonderful little guest apartment just sitting all empty....
 
Here is the start to a story I started a while ago and posted earlier...now it may make more sense..
Chapter #1 Do You Believe?

Jessie walked past the oval stones that lay along the rivers edge. They called to her, sought out her attention, encouraging her to pick one up. She immediately longed to run her fingertips gently across the surface of them. Slowly and purposely logging the transition of each divot as her eyes consumed the colors individually and then in speckled patterns.

Pink.... and black.
Pink.... and black.
Pink.... and black.

Pink and black. Ordinary colors. Colors seen in every sunrise since the beginning of time and in every storm filled evening when the stars were washed away by God’s fury.

Pink and black .

So non-extraordinary, that a person may not even notice their union.

Yet when paired…amazing.

Effortlessly united they transformed an ordinary rock into a mystical gem. Monetarily no value may be given to this pink and black rock but to Jessie it was priceless. Together, they created the vision of cotton candy sprinkled with licorice. Pink and black was magic. It leaves one with the memories of long ago days, where diners were bustling with ponytails, poodle skirts and leather jackets. It was the complete collusion of strong and soft. Warm sunsets swirled around cool winter mornings.

It was her eye for this contrast and internal compass that pulled her to these rocks and also to Ben.

Ben, who was so much her opposite and yet grew with her to higher peaks than she had ever thought they could achieve. Ben, who asked for so little and yet gave the world in his touch, who willingly offered himself to those around him. Ben, who would trace her lips out of passion and become instantaneously her protector…, holding her into the evening as the darkness brought out her insecurities and fears. Ben, who brought her back to herself, after spending her whole life lost.

Ben.

Just, Ben.

Ben was her Polaris. He was the first star that directs one into the night sky. Ben held his ground with her and held her to him when her instinct was to flee. Ben would not give up on her, on him, on them.

Smiling softly to herself, Jessie stood up and gathered two speckled wonders into her pocket. She would place them in the dining room when she got home. The room they laughed in, dreamed in and believed in. The place they did not eat in, but instead cherished, researched and cultivated their passions in.

The dining room was where meals became a journey each evening. Food was not consumed in a rushed fashion but deliberately taken…bite…by bite…dancing each parcel around their tongues, describing the texture and flavor to one another. Food was just an extension of their lives…they used it as a nourishment of their beings. They cherished the details in the steps to their destination.


They would make their dinners together…laughing…giving value to each sprig of emerald green parsley and every ounce of marbleized steak. Their nights were about each other and the vacations they longed to take. The conversation was not about world politics and debt that every couple experienced. They had an old world map…edges charcoaled and cities faded, that faced them with each meal. They fantasized of the places and beauty the world would soon give them.

Ben and Jess just enjoyed. It was the same if it was reveling in the deep purple of Eggplant Parmesan or being mesmerized in the subtle hint of mesquite in the burgers they grilled. The enjoyment was exactly the same in their walks around their tree lined neighborhood or if it was skipping along the garden paths of Versailles. Together they saw beauty. Nothing less would be accepted. Nothing more was desired.

Jessie continued her walk, watching the waves as they grew stronger, lapping further up the rocky shoreline. She realized the storm would hit her in a fury if she did not hurry back to home. She zipped the front of her beige windbreaker and began the jog back. She loved this stretch. It always seemed to her that the 2 miles out to History Cove was so long. Her body did not resist the distance, but her mind protested each and every day, without fail.

Leaving her house meant leaving where she felt closest to him. Leaving the touch of cologne that still hung in the air in their bathroom. Risking the chance she would miss Ben was more than she could bear. He was close to her in the quiet of the white, marble tile.

She knew this because throughout the day she would find herself back in the master bathroom, regardless of where she had been previously in the house. She would just go in, close the door and sit on the bathtubs edge waiting. Waiting and listening to her shallow breaths…, hoping that she would not miss him. Willing he would return during a slow exhale, not a rapid inhale. Jess was so sure he would come back and she would hear the familiar call of his voice when he searched for her throughout their home.

He would have found her. She never had any doubt or any indecision. He had found her since she was a child. Before they had met, before he knew she really existed outside of his visions. He had seen her and fallen in love with her before their lips ever touched, before their hands ever held one another and before their eyes ever lingered.

She had faith he would come home and find her because he had called out to her in her inner being for her whole life. He had guided her throughout the rough times by simply reaching out to her through sheer belief.

When Jess had hands grabbing at her clothes and telling her 9 year old tear stained face that she liked the smell of tobacco which permeated his mustache. She had just closed her eyes and wished. Wished for a place where love was pure and her soul was held lovingly, not tortured. She knew the feeling of his arms around her because they had held her on so many occasions in her closet where she hid amongst her bears and dolls. Where she knew she could be invisible, if only for a moment.

Ben had been the angel, the spirit, the salvation that she had just known. Children do not need to have proof to believe. They just do. He was as real to her as the fragrance of chocolate chip cookies wafting out of her grandfather’s kitchen. He was as warm to her as her Labrador’s coat when on many lonely nights…the only comfort she could touch was the love of a dog. Ben had always just been there. Always, believing in her.

She never could put a finger on what always told her not to settle. What told her that she belonged to someone or maybe more appropriately to something. It was an entity to large to hold, to deep to fathom and to consuming to deny. He continued to whisper into her ear that she was worthy of so much more than the status quo. She was meant to be loved.

She had felt the arms surrounding her in the evening hours when…plausibly…realistically…she was alone. It was in those alone moments that she knew…

Simply,

Completely,

Just knew.

Ben had been in her soul her entire existence. He had nudged her to become a better Jess. Prodded her from a place where time could not be measured. Ben had always just been there. Ben was who she had rationalized her dreams with when all her friends had gone to bed. Ben was her light. He was her warmth. He was her mirror. The one that says it will be okay…that age did not reduce her worth.

He held himself up so she could see her true self. That her value was there, even when she only saw the wrinkles in the mirror or felt the thickness grow in her thighs. He had done all this without ever uttering a word. He did this through his presence that was larger than life, even before she spoke his name. When her fear of love had masked the courage to hear his words.

Across the world…there was Ben. He, with the same thoughts, same word choices…looking for the other half he knew was missing from his whole being. The source for the diamond ring he had created but never purchased. The recipient of his song when at times the echoes of its cadence reverberated the pain his empty heart contained.

Ben had found her by wishing. Wishing for love. Wishing for romance. Wishing for a soul mate. Wishing for someone to love and for someone to love him back. He had wished so hard his sleep had always been restless. On many nights he lay not wanting to be alone and dreaming of nothing.

But on three nights in particular, he was comforted. His dreams gave him Jess. Gave him belief that there was a place where his love would be returned.

Times infinity.

Forever and a day.

Comforted in his dreams gave Ben solace.

Comforted by the hope of a better tomorrow than today.

Comforted by a woman who would never stop loving him.

Who would continually give him the reassurance of his greatness. Who understood his compassion and longed to walk beside him…

Not in front…

Or behind.

Just with.

Ben tried to reach her in those dreams and bring her to his waking days. He wanted her to know that he was searching for her. That he would never give up finding her. That she was his and he was hers. That destiny would unite them. That he had faith too. She just needed to hold on and hold out for him. He needed her radiant smile to guide him to her. He needed her light to get through his own darkness. Past his own demons.

What Ben did not know…

And Jessie could never have fathomed…

Was how they would unite. How a dream from Ben 19 years before and an undeniable awareness of a presence that Jess always held, would come to fruition and change so many lives for the better. How a chance encounter would instantaneously alter thoughts, beliefs, vows and the very breath each tried to control. That a dream from the past would so clearly paint the picture of a future, a destiny and give each of them a roadmap to a moment where they would be…

Could be…

Pink and black.

Not separate…

But together.

Pink and Black.
 
Kat...do we need to get the short bus for you??? :rotfl2: :lmao: :hug:

Dawn--I am so excited for you (for you both!) that I am not going to be able to sleep tonight! :rotfl2: :lmao: I am such a hopeless romantic....:love:

I am totally lmao .... at Kat's reason for why she edited her last post! :lmao: :rotfl2:

Aww man!! Not fair! This cold is STILL kicking my butt. :laughing:

I am a hopeless romantic too. Shhh. Don't want to betray my tough exterior!

Thank you Kat...I am sitting here crying because I was so worried that people would think I was a horrible person for not waiting until the divorce was officially over...but the truth is...I have been seperated for 14 months and have not looked back in any loving way...I have struggled so hard to hold it all together...
He threw a plastic hanger in front of Carsyn and Baylor at me Wednesday night...if it would have hit me...the velocity would have been enough to open up my head...and I kept thinking...why am I being respectful to him? Why am I hoping it connects so I have a justifiable reason to get him out and not me be looked at as an insensitive bi@ch.

All I want is for him to have a good, safe place for our kids to be with him...and him to get counseling...and he and I to be happy...seperate.

This will happen by the end of April...and I hope he will truly become a better person.

The dillema is that God brought into my life a man who is the kindest, most gentle soul I could ever be blessed to know. He has helped me realize my worth as a human being and truly...for the first time...know what it means to be loved and cared about...and I think God knew what he was doing...he was giving me the push to believe in a better place..a confirmation I was ready to make a good and healthy decesion for my life.

God had us dancing within arms reach for 18 years...He was just waiting to introduce us for the right song. It played and within seconds...I knew every word.


Awww... I am so incredibly, wonderfully happy for both of you. Wow. This is SOOO awesome. :yay:

And of course we don't think you are a horrible person! Quite the contrary. It is such a rough thing to have to live with someone you no longer are in a relationship with. I have a good friend going through the same thing and I ache for him.

:hug: You made my whole day. I have been down in the dumps and now I have a huge grin on my face.

Dawn--the timing is what it is. We will not think you are a terrible person. On the contrary, you are a wonderful, kind, giving, caring person. OF COURSE you should have someone like that to be with. You deserve happiness and love and tenderness and compassion and fun...not having crap thrown at you by a giant turd!

I so wish I could help out with your living situation! I have this wonderful little guest apartment just sitting all empty....

Couldn't agree more.

I have a spare bedroom that sits empty... but I am as far away as you are.

Some day, we will all meet for real. I know it.
 

True enough...but what if Everything causes someone to faint or pass out or have a heart attack????

Will I be liable??

Look back on post 1357/1363 and see if you find any similarities...I have not really been hiding info...just treading the waters to see how my news would be received...but you are right...I have been feeling like I have been withholding from my family...and it has made me sad. I want to be accepted and honest...you are my family...let me know what you think....I am praying with my eyes and heart and soul to the heavens that this will be well received or at least not ripped to shreads...because God truly gave me a gift and I am ready to hold onto it.

Hmmm...:scratchin







A smilie medley for my new true-blue friend
:hug: :grouphug: :cloud9: :love: :flower3:
 
I wasnt sure this would be received well.

Ummmm...hello....it was BEAUTIFUL! :lovestruc I would LOVE to receive something so tender and loving and meaningful. (Hey, I love my guy, but a romantic...not so much! :rotfl2: )

It's all good, Grumps! We are 100% ON BOARD! Now we have to rename this the Love Thread! :love: (I have the music from the B52's Love Shack going on in my head...just change the words to Love Thread...:lmao: )
 
Ummmm...hello....it was BEAUTIFUL! :lovestruc I would LOVE to receive something so tender and loving and meaningful. (Hey, I love my guy, but a romantic...not so much! :rotfl2: )

It's all good, Grumps! We are 100% ON BOARD! Now we have to rename this the Love Thread! :love: (I have the music from the B52's Love Shack going on in my head...just change the words to Love Thread...:lmao: )

Once again... totally agree on all points. Except for maybe the Love Shack theme song. :laughing:

Btw Erika, we are quite the night owls tonight!
 
I feel drunk right now and am totally sober. Here we all sit typing...and we are in 5 different states (those I know of) and I do know that each of you are my family. I feel closer to you all than I do to my biological extended family at Holiday functions.

UM - Thank you for believing there was a truth bigger than what you had been told and being a good person to a stranger..your outreach will forever be my compass to monitor my open mindedness and good will to those I may not yet know.

Kat....You tough exterior is only the padding of a player...get you off the ice and you melt like the rest. Thank You for being my protector in spirit...I wish I was strong like you many times...I wish we were closer too...

3DisKids....I knew you would be the first to get it...Dan owes me $5...you read everything people write and that shows selflessness, compassion and consideration...and I hope it comes back to you 10 fold...

Grumps...You were right to believe they would understand...TY for showing me the good in people when I want to run...TY for knowing everything about me and loving me the same...I can only hope to be as good of heart as you...and i am so greatfull you did not close yours for good when you were hurt...TY the most for letting me into your life...it is a privalege I will always respect and appreciate and be awestruck by. You are what the Bible says a man should be...and even more...what it didn't have enough pages to say. :love:
 
Kat....You tough exterior is only the padding of a player...get you off the ice and you melt like the rest. Thank You for being my protector in spirit...I wish I was strong like you many times...I wish we were closer too...

I am so not strong. Like you said, tough exterior. I wish I was strong enough to deal with my situation with the grace and love that you have shown in yours. :hug:
 
Once again... totally agree on all points. Except for maybe the Love Shack theme song. :laughing:

Btw Erika, we are quite the night owls tonight!

lol I am almost always up this late! My normal bed time is 1am (while I love the flexibility of working from home, nothing comes without a price. My price is sleep. I get to do the mom thing all day, and then when they go to bed, I go to work....). But I was really sleepy a while ago and then BOOM! What a wake up call! :rotfl2:

3DisKids....I knew you would be the first to get it...Dan owes me $5...you read everything people write and that shows selflessness, compassion and consideration...and I hope it comes back to you 10 fold...


Hey, shouldn't I get some of that action? :lmao: Yes, I do read everything everyone writes...but it is not for reasons of selflessness. It is more like selfishness. I need this thread. It is what is making the difference in my life changes. I have tried so many times on my own and failed. This time I am exceeding far beyond what I ever thought was possible, and all of you are the reason for that. :grouphug:

Ok...night owl or not...I am heading off to bed! :cloud9: We'll gab again in the morning, I am sure!
 
lol I am almost always up this late! My normal bed time is 1am (while I love the flexibility of working from home, nothing comes without a price. My price is sleep. I get to do the mom thing all day, and then when they go to bed, I go to work....). But I was really sleepy a while ago and then BOOM! What a wake up call! :rotfl2:




Hey, shouldn't I get some of that action? :lmao: Yes, I do read everything everyone writes...but it is not for reasons of selflessness. It is more like selfishness. I need this thread. It is what is making the difference in my life changes. I have tried so many times on my own and failed. This time I am exceeding far beyond what I ever thought was possible, and all of you are the reason for that. :grouphug:

Ok...night owl or not...I am heading off to bed! :cloud9: We'll gab again in the morning, I am sure!

Wouldn't it be funny if we all erased the last page...no one else would have a clue...I am just dying to be a fly on the wall to see others reactions...serve em right for getting sleep!:rotfl: J/K:lmao:
 
Hehe.. that would definitely be funny.

On that note, my Nyquil has set in (how many calories is in Nyquil?) and bed is calling.
 
Just a quick drive-by from me this morning to share a funny story...

So, as I have posted, I am being a good little Boarder and drinking all of my water (and then some!), which of course means that I am running to the bathroom every 5 minutes...:rotfl2:

Anyway, so I was on the phone with and really had to go...was doing the grown-up version of the potty-dance..(and since I have mommy-bladder, this can be a real issue...:eek: ). So, I am finally able to get off the phone and make a mad dash to the bathroom...

I get in and just pull my jeans down quickly and sit...and then I realized...I JUST PULLED MY JEANS DOWN...no unbuttoning, no un-zipping...they are so loose now that I just pulled 'em down like they had an elastic waist! WOO-HOO! :cool1: :cheer2: :cool1: :cheer2: :cool1: :cheer2:

Ok, off to be a mom-taxi for the day! :goodvibes
 
So, since we tell all on this thread...Erika and I were PMing last night..."do you think it's true?" "wow, how cool would that be???" We were so excited!

And then I went to bed and missed the big reveal! I'm so bummed!

I am SO happy for you two!!! There are tears in my eyes...I am totally in your corner, rooting for love! :cheer2:

I am an unabashed romantic, and I love to plan events...cough, cough...so if we all convene at, say, WDW to celebrate some day, count me in for attending and helping out. And I love to wear dresses other people picked out for me!:rotfl: But no pressure!
 
Where is everyone? Exercising? Sleeping in?

Oh, no! I'm a thread killer! *hides head in shame*
 
Kill THIS thread?!?!? Never! I am just doing drive-bys today...now I am off to the gym...
 
3DisKids....I knew you would be the first to get it...Dan owes me $5...you read everything people write and that shows selflessness, compassion and consideration...and I hope it comes back to you 10 fold...

Grumps...You were right to believe they would understand...TY for showing me the good in people when I want to run...TY for knowing everything about me and loving me the same...I can only hope to be as good of heart as you...and i am so greatfull you did not close yours for good when you were hurt...TY the most for letting me into your life...it is a privalege I will always respect and appreciate and be awestruck by. You are what the Bible says a man should be...and even more...what it didn't have enough pages to say. :love:

I am NOT paying Dawn $5 instead I was hoping to barter :lmao:
Dawn -- I never thought,
that one day you'd become a part of my life
still you were always with me
when I lay my head down at night.
Could you really be here with me.
Has my wish come true tonight?

Though I feel like I'm flying.
I'm sure my feet are still on the ground.
Open my eyes, and it's amazing
how my world has changed when I look around,
and it's like I found a road straight to heaven.
The road has lead me right here to you.

Now it seems,
I'm wide awake in this dream.
I'll do, I'll do anything
to stay here forever.
If this is a dream,
I'm not going to wake up.
If I'm awake I won't close my eyes ever again.

Everything I'll ever need,
is standing right here in front of me.
You've given me more than I'll ever ask for.
Now all I can do,
is give forever to you.

I will love you forever and a day! :flower3: :bride: :flower3:



I get in and just pull my jeans down quickly and sit...and then I realized...I JUST PULLED MY JEANS DOWN...no unbuttoning, no un-zipping...they are so loose now that I just pulled 'em down like they had an elastic waist! WOO-HOO! :cool1: :cheer2: :cool1: :cheer2: :cool1: :cheer2:

YOU FREAKIN ROCK !! You are my new IDOL...This causes a banana dance ... :banana: :banana:

So, since we tell all on this thread...Erika and I were PMing last night..."do you think it's true?" "wow, how cool would that be???" We were so excited!

And then I went to bed and missed the big reveal! I'm so bummed!

I am SO happy for you two!!! There are tears in my eyes...I am totally in your corner, rooting for love! :cheer2:

I am an unabashed romantic, and I love to plan events...cough, cough...so if we all convene at, say, WDW to celebrate some day, count me in for attending and helping out. And I love to wear dresses other people picked out for me!:rotfl: But no pressure!

Thank you everyone....and YES you two are VERY observant. We were not sure what to say or who to trust. We should have known there was NOONE we could count on more than the Body Boarder Babes. Thank you ALL for the support and understanding.
:thumbsup2 :thumbsup2 :thumbsup2 :thumbsup2 :thumbsup2
 














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