In search of my body...not the one I ate!

[grumpyyoungguy]

Thank you for all the kind words. I am not thinking you are all men bashers. I was agreeing with most of what was written and please don't hold your feelings back on my account. That is one of the reasons I value this thread. So....I will watch and enjoy and try to join in when I can. Thanks again.

DWDelight== We are still good. I know when you say what you say it is from the heart. Also your point of view is valid. Finally, you and our peeps here are right, "most men think with their ". I must say I don't agree with most men in that case.

 

[HockeyKat]

I will post my food here daily if you want... Starting w/ yesterday:
B: Sugar Free Oatmeal (100), coffee w/ sweet'n'low and splash of skim milk (10)
L: Banquet Sliced Beef meal (230), salad (100)
D: Omelette made w/ onions, mushrooms, 3/4 cup egg beaters, 1/4 cup mozzarella, and 1 TBSP lean bacon (200), 3 eggo special K waffles (240)
S: 1 bag 94% FF popcorn (200), 2 hershey's special dark minis (80)
Total for the day: 1160. Exercise: 45 min of weights. Water: 64 oz.

FWIW, I only watch calories. I track everything through sparkpeople.com and attempt to keep my fat, carbs, protein pretty well balanced and esp to get enough protein, but I don't worry too much about that part.

Thanks for the CAST posts!! It really helps to put condensed bios w/ screen names. I am a total scatter brain at the moment since we are gearing up for our quarterly software release, and I am leaving for WDW a week from tomorrow.

 

[believen]

Thanks to all for the kind words regarding my last post. This thread has been so helpful to me and I can't really explain why. Hearing all of your stories about how you are coping with everything life throws at you as well as how that impacts your weight has been truly inspirational. I think there is something in the somewhat anonymity of this board that allows me to be more open to sharing my thoughts and feelings that real life doesn't always allow. I'm not sure if this makes sense or not, but for some reason you all are just clicking with me and helping me to find out more about myself and I owe you all a huge THANK YOU for that!!!



Goof

She said it so well, that I'll "ditto" that. Thanks Goof.

I'm doing ok on food choices, but I lied- I'm not walking for exercise-I did for 2 days and haven't since I don't want to walk- I'd rather sit here! It's cold here today-not as cold as lots of you, but cold to us. So, if I don't bundle up, maybe I'll do a stupid exercise dvd instead.

I'd be interested in reading everyone's writings- Ya'll are all very gifted.

My dream job- I am really looking forward to being a grandmother. In the way off future! You know the fun kind- that spoils em rotten and them sends them home! It wouldn't pay $$$ either, that seems to be the problem with the jobs I'm good at and love!
But, a second choice, would be a traveler, host a show, see the world, meet the people.

We can do it!!Be strong!!!!!

 

[3DisneyKids]

Just some drive-by encouragement for you all....

KEEP GOING! YOU CAN DO IT! SAY NO TO THE BAD FOOD AND HELLO TO A HEALTHIER YOU! WE ARE ALL GOING TO MAKE IT!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread....

 

[larry's girl]

Thought I'd pop in and say hello. Today is a better day - I think I just need some time to adjust to my DH's new schedule and I will be okay. Still don't like it - but it will be okay. Thanks to all of you for the welcome and suggestions. He leaves for work as I am going to bed, so I haven't been sleeping very well. Again, hopefully as time goes by, I will adjust and that will become less of an issue. We have discussed my feelings and he admitted that he is also not liking our being on opposite shifts (which made me feel a lot better about my own emotions). We agreed that his reasons for taking the shift are sound, so we will just stick it out together!

I have a lot of catching up to do, so I thought I would start with answering some of the questions that have been posted on this thread.

I crave sweet and salty foods, most of which are very bad for me. I safeguard my kitchen by not buying the stuff I know I shouldn't have. If it isn't there, I can't eat it. Most of the time I'm wanting bad stuff at night, so I'm not going to make a special trip to buy food to satisfy a craving then - I'm too tired!!

I would like to go to one of those all-inclusive resorts with my hubby, go to one of the lounges to dance (and mind you, this is a fantasy - my DH doesn't dance - I do, but very badly) wearing a pair of kick butt black leather pants, an off-the-shoulder hot pink sweater and black spike heels with lots of silver jewelry. I would love to know what it is like to turn every male head in the room just once (didn't do that even when I was young and much thinner than now).

I hate to exercise - HATE IT - but I know I need to do it. Right now I am attempting to train for the 5K race in Disney in May - my sister convinced me to do it with her. I think I must have lost my mind - a person my size doesn't run unless they are being chased by someone intent on doing them bodily harm - but I'm committed now, so I'm going to give it my best shot. I am also trying a bellydancing DVD that my DD wanted and never used. It is fun, although it is rather disconcerting to practice the undulations and shimmys, stop the DVD and realize you are so fat you are still undulating and shimmying!!!

I would love to take Roy Disney to dinner to pick his brain about his uncle. I would go to the best steakhouse I could find and get a great steak dinner.

I would love to go to a fat farm AND see a therapist - just to have someone to talk to about the emotional issues that have contributed to my weight problem. I will share some of that in a later post (no time now), but I do think that food is a crutch for me when I am dealing with strong emotions and it is SO DIFFICULT to break out of that habit. (Yes, I know, I'm preaching to the choir.)

My dream job would be a demo singer. I have no desire for the fame and other trappings that go with the life of a music star, but I love to sing (and have been asked why I didn't try to make a living with my voice) so I would love to make the demos that get sent to the famous people so they can listen and decide which songs they would like to record. I think that would be a fabulous way to pay the bills.

Dan - I definitely think you should keep contributing to this thread. I LOVE hearing a man's point of view on weight issues, since most of the WISH'ers on this board are women. I think men and women are just wired differently - we can't help it, that's just the way it is. It is difficult for us to understand one another sometimes, but it can be done if we put forth the effort and spend the time to do it. And in my experience, whether it's losing weight or developing a relationship (with a spouse, friend, whoever), nothing worthwhile happens without some serious work going into it. So keep on posting, my man!!

Dawn - I hope things are settling down with your son and that he is no longer being threatened. It sounded terribly frightening for all involved and I hope it is all behind you now. I also sympathize with your health issues - I have serious health issues also, although different from yours, and excess weight does impact those quite severely, so I am right there with you fighting this fight!

Well, have to run for now. Thanks again to all of you for your support and posts. Have a great evening!

Susan

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

Susan, (LarrysGirl) I just read the first post and last page of your journal. OH MY! I can't imagine having to be that restricted in food! You're a fighter.

Ok, so far today I have eaten, a sausage sandwhich for breakfast (210) and a Mandarin Chicken Salad from Wendy's (520) Gosh, that salad had more calories than I expected. I guess it's better than a single and small fries (760) which I would normally get.

I am planning on making meatloaf for dinner, but I am still at the office, so that may or may not happen.

 

[Dizneydawn]

Chapter #1 Do You Believe?

Jessie walked past the oval stones that lay along the rivers edge. They called to her, sought out her attention, encouraging her to pick one up. She immediately longed to run her fingertips gently across the surface of them. Slowly and purposely logging the transition of each divot as her eyes consumed the colors individually and then in speckled patterns.

Pink and black. Pink and black. Pink and black.

Pink and black. Ordinary colors. Colors seen in every sunrise since the beginning of time and in every storm filled evening when the stars were washed away by God’s fury.

Pink and black .

So non-extraordinary, that a person may not even notice their union.

Yet when paired…amazing.

Effortlessly united they transformed an ordinary rock into a mystical gem. Monetarily no value may be given to this pink and black rock but to Jessie it was priceless. Together, they created the vision of cotton candy sprinkled with licorice. Pink and black was magic. It leaves one with the memories of long ago days, where diners were bustling with ponytails, poodle skirts and leather jackets. It was the complete collusion of strong and soft. Warm sunsets swirled around cool winter mornings.

It was her eye for this contrast and internal compass that pulled her to these rocks and also to Ben.

Ben, who was so much her opposite and yet grew with her to higher peaks than she had ever thought they could achieve. Ben, who asked for so little and yet gave the world in his touch, who willingly offered himself to those around him. Ben, who would trace her lips out of passion and become instantaneously her protector…, holding her into the evening as the darkness brought out her insecurities and fears. Ben, who brought her back to herself, after spending her whole life lost.

Ben.

Just, Ben.

Ben was her Polaris. He was the first star that directs one into the night sky. Ben held his ground with her and held her to him when her instinct was to flee. Ben would not give up on her, on him, on them.

Smiling softly to herself, Jessie stood up and gathered two speckled wonders into her pocket. She would place them in the dining room when she got home. The room they laughed in, dreamed in and believed in. The place they did not eat in, but instead cherished, researched and cultivated their passions in.

The dining room was where meals became a journey each evening. Food was not consumed in a rushed fashion but deliberately taken…bite…by bite…dancing each parcel around their tongues, describing the texture and flavor to one another. Food was just an extension of their lives…they used it as a nourishment of their beings. They cherished the details in the steps to their destination.


They would make their dinners together…laughing…giving value to each sprig of emerald green parsley and every ounce of marbleized steak. Their nights were about each other and the vacations they longed to take. The conversation was not about world politics and debt that every couple experienced. They had an old world map…edges charcoaled and cities faded, that faced them with each meal. They fantasized of the places and beauty the world would soon give them.

Ben and Jess just enjoyed. It was the same if it was reveling in the deep purple of Eggplant Parmesan or being mesmerized in the subtle hint of mesquite in the burgers they grilled. The enjoyment was exactly the same in their walks around their tree lined neighborhood or if it was skipping along the garden paths of Versailles. Together they saw beauty. Nothing less would be accepted. Nothing more was desired.

Jessie continued her walk, watching the waves as they grew stronger, lapping further up the rocky shoreline. She realized the storm would hit her in a fury if she did not hurry back to home. She zipped the front of her beige windbreaker and began the jog back. She loved this stretch. It always seemed to her that the 2 miles out to History Cove was so long. Her body did not resist the distance, but her mind protested each and every day, without fail.

Leaving her house meant leaving where she felt closest to him. Leaving the touch of cologne that still hung in the air in their bathroom. Risking the chance she would miss Ben was more than she could bear. He was close to her in the quiet of the white, marble tile.

She knew this because throughout the day she would find herself back in the master bathroom, regardless of where she had been previously in the house. She would just go in, close the door and sit on the bathtubs edge waiting. Waiting and listening to her shallow breaths…, hoping that she would not miss him. Willing he would return during a slow exhale, not a rapid inhale. Jess was so sure he would come back and she would hear the familiar call of his voice when he searched for her throughout their home.

He would have found her. She never had any doubt or any indecision. He had found her since she was a child. Before they had met, before he knew she really existed outside of his visions. He had seen her and fallen in love with her before their lips ever touched, before their hands ever held one another and before their eyes ever lingered.

She had faith he would come home and find her because he had called out to her in her inner being for her whole life. He had guided her throughout the rough times by simply reaching out to her through sheer belief.

When Jess had hands grabbing at her clothes and telling her 9 year old tear stained face that she liked the smell of tobacco which permeated his mustache. She had just closed her eyes and wished. Wished for a place where love was pure and her soul was held lovingly, not tortured. She knew the feeling of his arms around her because they had held her on so many occasions in her closet where she hid amongst her bears and dolls. Where she knew she could be invisible, if only for a moment.

Ben had been the angel, the spirit, the salvation that she had just known. Children do not need to have proof to believe. They just do. He was as real to her as the fragrance of chocolate chip cookies wafting out of her grandfather’s kitchen. He was as warm to her as her Labrador’s coat when on many lonely nights…the only comfort she could touch was the love of a dog. Ben had always just been there. Always, believing in her.

She never could put a finger on what always told her not to settle. What told her that she belonged to someone or maybe more appropriately to something. It was an entity to large to hold, to deep to fathom and to consuming to deny. He continued to whisper into her ear that she was worthy of so much more than the status quo. She was meant to be loved.

She had felt the arms surrounding her in the evening hours when…plausibly…realistically…she was alone. It was in those alone moments that she knew…

Simply,

Completely,

Just knew.

Ben had been in her soul her entire existence. He had nudged her to become a better Jess. Prodded her from a place where time could not be measured. Ben had always just been there. Ben was who she had rationalized her dreams with when all her friends had gone to bed. Ben was her light. He was her warmth. He was her mirror. The one that says it will be okay…that age did not reduce her worth.

He held himself up so she could see her true self. That her value was there, even when she only saw the wrinkles in the mirror or felt the thickness grow in her thighs. He had done all this without ever uttering a word. He did this through his presence that was larger than life, even before she spoke his name. When her fear of love had masked the courage to hear his words.

Across the world…there was Ben. He, with the same thoughts, same word choices…looking for the other half he knew was missing from his whole being. The source for the diamond ring he had created but never purchased. The recipient of his song when at times the echoes of its cadence reverberated the pain his empty heart contained.

Ben had found her by wishing. Wishing for love. Wishing for romance. Wishing for a soul mate. Wishing for someone to love and for someone to love him back. He had wished so hard his sleep had always been restless. On many nights he lay not wanting to be alone and dreaming of nothing.

But on three nights in particular, he was comforted. His dreams gave him Jess. Gave him belief that there was a place where his love would be returned.

Times infinity.

Forever and a day.

Comforted in his dreams gave Ben solace.

Comforted by the hope of a better tomorrow than today.

Comforted by a woman who would never stop loving him.

Who would continually give him the reassurance of his greatness. Who understood his compassion and longed to walk beside him…

Not in front…

Or behind.

Just with.

Ben tried to reach her in those dreams and bring her to his waking days. He wanted her to know that he was searching for her. That he would never give up finding her. That she was his and he was hers. That destiny would unite them. That he had faith too. She just needed to hold on and hold out for him. He needed her radiant smile to guide him to her. He needed her light to get through his own darkness. Past his own demons.

What Ben did not know…

And Jessie could never have fathomed…

Was how they would unite. How a dream from Ben 19 years before and an undeniable awareness of a presence that Jess always held, would come to fruition and change so many lives for the better. How a chance encounter would instantaneously alter thoughts, beliefs, vows and the very breath each tried to control. That a dream from the past would so clearly paint the picture of a future, a destiny and give each of them a roadmap to a moment where they would be…

Could be…

Pink and black.

Not separate…

But together.

Pink and Black.

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

I'm intrigued. Certainly no expert, but that was an amazing start.

 

[HockeyKat]

Wow. That is a wonderful start!! I want more!!

And I am a seriously judgemental person who reads a ton... and I don't lie just to make people feel better.

Thanks for making the fact that I am still at work not seem so bad!

 

[3DisneyKids]

That was SO GOOD! If it had been in book form, I would be curled up on the couch and read it cover to cover! You don't need to wish to be a writer....you already ARE a writer.

 

[AKASnowWhite]

As I reached out to turn the page.....I realized....there is no more....yet...

That was really good. I was captivated.

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

And I am a seriously judgemental person who reads a ton... and I don't lie just to make people feel better.

 

[goofyfan-12]

ummm... where's the rest...

This chick is not a huge reader, but I am curious... what happens...

 

[AKASnowWhite]

ummm.....'scuse me....is this confessional taken??


Ok. So, I guess it serves me right. I *tried* to sneak a yumm-o-licious dark chocolate Hershey's kiss after lunch today...but...then there was a knock at the door <doh> so I stuck it in my pocket. Well, that "knock" was the guy that DH was meeting with about the possiblity of putting in solar panels on our barn. So - I sat in - and forgot about that Kiss until about an hour later when I stuck my hand in my pocket. EEEEEWWWW! Nasty, nasty, nasty. It got worse, as I discretely took a napkin and tried to remove the chocolate, mistakenly thinking that it would still be somewhat "in tact" ....nope....it was not. It was completely melted, and was like a big ol' doody in my pocket. Now, I have melted chocolate mess on my hand, and all over this napkin - looking like I tried to wipe a babies bottom blindfolded or something...and I'm still working hard to make certain no one else sees this catastrophe. The inside of my pocket is all smeared with brown....and I have to go to school for a meeting. I decided to change first...I could just see myself reaching into my pocket at school and coming out with a hand that looks like I've been playing in a litter box...

The moral of my story? Always eat your chocolate BEFORE you answer the door!

 

[3DisneyKids]

ummm.....'scuse me....is this confessional taken??


Ok. So, I guess it serves me right. I *tried* to sneak a yumm-o-licious dark chocolate Hershey's kiss after lunch today...but...then there was a knock at the door <doh> so I stuck it in my pocket. Well, that "knock" was the guy that DH was meeting with about the possiblity of putting in solar panels on our barn. So - I sat in - and forgot about that Kiss until about an hour later when I stuck my hand in my pocket. EEEEEWWWW! Nasty, nasty, nasty. It got worse, as I discretely took a napkin and tried to remove the chocolate, mistakenly thinking that it would still be somewhat "in tact" ....nope....it was not. It was completely melted, and was like a big ol' doody in my pocket. Now, I have melted chocolate mess on my hand, and all over this napkin - looking like I tried to wipe a babies bottom blindfolded or something...and I'm still working hard to make certain no one else sees this catastrophe. The inside of my pocket is all smeared with brown....and I have to go to school for a meeting. I decided to change first...I could just see myself reaching into my pocket at school and coming out with a hand that looks like I've been playing in a litter box...

The moral of my story? Always eat your chocolate BEFORE you answer the door!

TOO FUNNY! OMG, I can just picture the whole scene. Now imagine that it was about 6 different colored M&Ms....so the poop-look-a-like seemed as though there was paint swirls in it....that is what happened to me!

 

[Dizneydawn]

So I will be weighing in this morning and wondering if it is illegal to chop off an appendage right before???

I mean...we don't have rules on how much of a body one must have to weigh in...we couldn't do this as it would be governmentally sanctioned and the amputees of America may very well protest with huge plaquards calling us cheaters and such....what to do....what to do....

So as I sit here ambivalent...I know it is because I ate some fried foods this week....not fast foods mind you...well except for last night...is KFC a fast food? I will probably say yes to that one and also admit my pop sin of a cherry pepsi...although I only drank about 1/2 of it.

I did not have chocolate though! (Snow White I just threw you under the bus! )

Again heartburn and regret and feeling like I was going to be sick and regret and oh yeah...regret.

I will say that yesterday probably topped the financial stressor scale by 2 million and although I will forgo the gory details...(I did p.m. Goof since she is my Biggest Loser Buddy and needed to vent to someone) it is bad.

So although I understand why i was depressed and I see why I chose a bad choice...it does not matter. My scale won't say to me..."Awww child...there there...everything going to get better so I'll be gentle with ya today."

No that Biaach will likely go..."You are a sad...sad woman who is so weak that a little money issues makes you crumble. You need to be strong...you need to be a warrior against fat...you need to lead...not gorge...so get off me now cause your buttocks are killing me...look at that number and decide to get in control."

My scale...Bertha...she is NOT a morning person.

 

[goofyfan-12]

Hey all -

First off - SnowWhite.... honey, never waste perfectly good chocolate by letting it melt in your pocket again... That is just a plain waste of good chocolate and it will not be tolerated...

DizDawn - hang in there.... life will get better... I have a story that someone sent me about a philosophy class that helps me to keep things in perspective.

Pull up a chair and read through this... It really does help...

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of
him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2"
diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open
areas between the rocks. The students laughed.

He asked his students again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it
was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health,
your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost,
you would be nearly destroyed.

The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller
scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff.

If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for
the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and
time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the
things that are truly most important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Play with your
children. Take your partner out dancing

There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner
party and fix the disposal."
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.

Set your priorities: The rest is just pebbles and sand

Have a great day everyone... and remember when life gets overwhelming, are you worrying about rocks, pebbles or sand...

Goof

 

[goofyfan-12]

By the way - my weight loss for the week is 1-1/2 pounds...

I even managed to get a 2 mile walk away the pounds workout in last night... I am off to my sister's house tonight for pizza and a movie night. Of course my pizza is a Jenny Craig pizza, but it is still pizza right???

 

[HockeyKat]

I am at -1... I was good all week but I wasn't expecting much considering last week's loss.

ummm.....'scuse me....is this confessional taken??


Ok. So, I guess it serves me right. I *tried* to sneak a yumm-o-licious dark chocolate Hershey's kiss after lunch today...but...then there was a knock at the door <doh> so I stuck it in my pocket. Well, that "knock" was the guy that DH was meeting with about the possiblity of putting in solar panels on our barn. So - I sat in - and forgot about that Kiss until about an hour later when I stuck my hand in my pocket. EEEEEWWWW! Nasty, nasty, nasty. It got worse, as I discretely took a napkin and tried to remove the chocolate, mistakenly thinking that it would still be somewhat "in tact" ....nope....it was not. It was completely melted, and was like a big ol' doody in my pocket. Now, I have melted chocolate mess on my hand, and all over this napkin - looking like I tried to wipe a babies bottom blindfolded or something...and I'm still working hard to make certain no one else sees this catastrophe. The inside of my pocket is all smeared with brown....and I have to go to school for a meeting. I decided to change first...I could just see myself reaching into my pocket at school and coming out with a hand that looks like I've been playing in a litter box...

The moral of my story? Always eat your chocolate BEFORE you answer the door!

So I will be weighing in this morning and wondering if it is illegal to chop off an appendage right before???

I mean...we don't have rules on how much of a body one must have to weigh in...we couldn't do this as it would be governmentally sanctioned and the amputees of America may very well protest with huge plaquards calling us cheaters and such....what to do....what to do....

So as I sit here ambivalent...I know it is because I ate some fried foods this week....not fast foods mind you...well except for last night...is KFC a fast food? I will probably say yes to that one and also admit my pop sin of a cherry pepsi...although I only drank about 1/2 of it.

I did not have chocolate though! (Snow White I just threw you under the bus! )

Again heartburn and regret and feeling like I was going to be sick and regret and oh yeah...regret.

I will say that yesterday probably topped the financial stressor scale by 2 million and although I will forgo the gory details...(I did p.m. Goof since she is my Biggest Loser Buddy and needed to vent to someone) it is bad.

So although I understand why i was depressed and I see why I chose a bad choice...it does not matter. My scale won't say to me..."Awww child...there there...everything going to get better so I'll be gentle with ya today."

No that Biaach will likely go..."You are a sad...sad woman who is so weak that a little money issues makes you crumble. You need to be strong...you need to be a warrior against fat...you need to lead...not gorge...so get off me now cause your buttocks are killing me...look at that number and decide to get in control."

My scale...Bertha...she is NOT a morning person.

Sorry that things are getting you down.

My week has been horrific on personal and work fronts, but I think last night finally cleared the air on the personal end, at least for now. I am cautiously optimistic that things are on an upward trend. Work is guaranteed to be a b&tch up until next Thursday, but next Friday is WDW baby!!

 

[Dizneydawn]

My week has been horrific on personal and work fronts, but I think last night finally cleared the air on the personal end, at least for now. I am cautiously optimistic that things are on an upward trend. Work is guaranteed to be a b&tch up until next Thursday, but next Friday is WDW baby!!

How much extra money would it cost to have me in a suitcase??? I mean it would be a wee bit over the 50# limit...but not by THAAAAAT much!

So glad there is an up-swing...get's me motivated for mine to start... waiting waiting nope...still waiting