In Law Problems

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

It wouldn't be a big deal to me, since i know my ILs very well. Not to belittle it, but it's not that big of a deal surgery wise either. I had mine out at 8 as well and the only people that came to the hospital were my parents and grandparents on my dads side.

Just focus on your DD and that's all you need to worry about.

 

[Independent]

This is probably not going to make you feel any better but, my DH really likes his siblings, yet he probably wouldn't call if one of their kids had their appendix out.

My DD had her tonsils out and my son was in the hospital for a week with asthma. As far as I know, my DH's sister and brother never called. Now, the grandparents did and I'm sure they relayed the information. My son got no cards or anything either during his weeklong stay and, quite honestly, I never gave it another thought. I know his grandparents love him as well as his aunts, uncles, and cousins. I think they considered it routine and that we would call them if we needed anything.

If one of my nieces or nephews had a routine operation, I would not call. Doesn't mean I don't care, but an appendix is so routine these days, that I wouldn't even think to call. I would expect that if my DB or SIL needed something, they would call me and ask. Or if something were not so routine, they would call and let us know. But an appendix is almost like the common cold these days. It would also never cross my mind that the inlaws should have to check in if my kids were sick. If I wanted contact with them, I would do the calling.

Hope your daughter is doing well!

 

[mickeyboat]

If I were Diana's aunt, I would get whatever information I needed about my neice from my parents, and leave my neice and her family alone to rest and heal.

Denae

 

[Wishing on a star]

The thing is that there is no card, no call to see how she is doing NOTHING One of his sisters was online when Kevin was home and didn't even ask how Diana was doing.

Lisa, it looks like you are not quite hearing what everybody here is trying to say....

I know how you must feel upset!!! And, your last post sounds like it may be a bit defensive and angry. So, again... I understand!

However, I truly do think that you need to adjust your expectations. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment and pain if you expect others to go out of their way to act/react just exactly how you would like them too.

I am sure that you have quite enough on your plate, and focusing on this and being upset about it is doing you no good at all. It is undermining your happiness and well being.

And, you may not realize it, but this can sneak in and undermine your relationship with your husband if you expect him to 'take your side' when nobody has really 'wronged' you. Your DH is not responsible for his family's behavior. Not at all!!! (Believe me, if you had been 'wronged' I would be posting differently, telling the DH to do the right thing, and to not let his family come between he and his wife.) But, this is not the case. They have not wronged you in any way. They have just failed to meet your expectations. Well, that's gonna happen... Life goes on....

Please take a deep breath and 'Let it gooooooo'.

 

[Nana Annie]

The thing is that there is no card, no call to see how she is doing NOTHING One of his sisters was online when Kevin was home and didn't even ask how Diana was doing.

If it is that important to you, you need to tell the SIL. Tell her that you were hurt that she didn't inquire about your daughter. Is your DH's family usually demonstrative? Many families are not. Is your DD singled out in the family, or is this standard in your DH's family. Not to minimize your daughter's experience, but as somebody said above, an appendix these days can be seen as something as routine as being treated for strep throat. It may not have even crossed their minds that you needed some extra support/attention.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

If I were Diana's aunt, I would get whatever information I needed about my neice from my parents, and leve my neice and her family alone to rest and heal.

Denae

Yup! this too is true! i get all my news from my parents or grandfather and that's that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Also, I really don't get the 'online when Kevin was home'....

Heck, my computer is online all the time. Doesn't mean that I am sitting there sending messages to people. I come and go.

Did Kevin IM her???? If not, why not...
Did she IM Kevin (but fail to offer concern/support) And, if so, why did Kevin not mention it at all?

Maybe she had already heard thru the grapevine that the DD had been in the hospital for her appendix, and now all is well.

I do NOT think that the OP should contact her inlaws and vent about this. Her inlaws have not 'wronged' her. Her inlaws do not owe her anything. She has no right to control her inlaws. (I post this with the reverse perspective that hell will freeze over before it is okay for my inlaws to control me.) I also go by the rule that each spouse should handle issues with their own family. Lisa's DH doesn't seem to see this as a problem worthy of any drama and argument. She would be crossing her own husband to go after her inlaws by herself.

I am seriously wondering what the root, underlying, problem is with the OP that would cause her to have such expectations and to feel so hurt.

I am hoping that Lisa will read my previous post above, and take it to heart...

Let it goooo!!!

 

[Nana Annie]

Also, I really don't get the 'online when Kevin was home'....

Did Kevin IM her???? If not, why not!
Did she IM Kevin (but fail to offer concern/support)

Heck, my computer is online all the time. Doesn't mean that I am sitting there sending messages to people. I come and go.

Maybe she had already heard thru the grapevine that the DD had been in the hospital for her appendix, and now all is well.

I do NOT think that the OP should contact her inlaws and vent about this. Her inlaws have not 'wronged' her. Her inlaws do not owe her anything. She has no right to control her inlaws. (I post this with the reverse perspective that hell will freeze over before it is okay for my inlaws to control me.) I also go by the rule that each spouse should handle issues with their own family. Lisa's DH doesn't seem to see this as a problem worthy of any drama and argument. She would be crossing her own husband to go after her inlaws by herself.

I am seriously wondering what the root, underlying, problem is with the OP that would cause her to have such expectations and to feel so hurt.

I think I must have miscommunicated. In no way do I advocate venting to the inlaws. But she could mention that she was hurt. In my original post I did say that just because she married her husband did not give her the rights of any expectations of the inlaws. Unless they also professed vows of commitment to the new SIL, they really are not obligated to be a part of her family in any way. Some families are closer to others.

I am glad you brought up wondering what the underlying problem is. I have been trying to get to the same thing, but never worded it the correct way.

Why is the OP so needy for attention that she feels so slighted because brother in laws and sister in laws didn't shower her with attention when the daughter was in the hospital? The grandparents called. That is all that I woudl expect. I would never, EVER expect my brothers and sisters to call.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Also, I really don't get the 'online when Kevin was home'....

Heck, my computer is online all the time. Doesn't mean that I am sitting there sending messages to people. I come and go.

Yup, same here! I think a lot of people are like this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes nana, we are on the same page! Especially your last paragraph there.
(just a little clarification there on the one thing...)

Lisa, if you are still here.... more

 

[Alicnwondrln]

that would bother me to
i hope she is ok

 

[Nana Annie]

Lisa, if you are still here.... more

Absolutely!

 

[lowie]

wow, i'm kind of surprised at the responses so far to this thread. not that i'm saying that any are wrong and maybe i'm kind of touchy on this subject. but hot dang, i'd be MAD

my dd went into the hospital at 3 days old and stayed there for months, at times being extremely close to dying. NONE of my 1st cousins called to check on her, they didn't even call my parents. it went way further then just 1st cousins too, aunts, uncles, nobody called! no cards, nothing.

a few people i hardly knew were really there for me. coming to visit, sitting with her so i could go home to shower, sending mass cards (even though i'm jewish, i still cherish them)

when my nephew went in for surgery i sat with my sister the whole time and i know she'd do the same for me (and did, when i needed her).

it's times like these that prove to you who is really there for you and who really cares.. it's been years since i spoke to any of those relatives, i don't miss any of them one bit!

 

[Nana Annie]

wow, i'm kind of surprised at the responses so far to this thread. not that i'm saying that any are wrong and maybe i'm kind of touchy on this subject. but hot dang, i'd be MAD

my dd went into the hospital at 3 days old and stayed there for months, at times being extremely close to dying. NONE of my 1st cousins called to check on her, they didn't even call my parents. it went way further then just 1st cousins too, aunts, uncles, nobody called! no cards, nothing.

a few people i hardly knew were really there for me. coming to visit, sitting with her so i could go home to shower, sending mass cards (even though i'm jewish, i still cherish them)

when my nephew went in for surgery i sat with my sister the whole time and i know she'd do the same for me (and did, when i needed her).

it's times like these that prove to you who is really there for you and who really cares.. it's been years since i spoke to any of those relatives, i don't miss any of them one bit!

In all due respect, a 3 day infant going in for serious, life threatening surgery and having to stay in the hospital for months is a whole lot different than an 8 year old going in for routine in-and-out appendectomy. So routine that some can be done through laparoscopy, so not even a large incision. I equate this the same as having your tonsils out or tubes in your ears. Routine, day-to-day kid stuff that happens.

I would also be furious if my infant was in the hospital for that long and nobody called or contacted me. But absolutely not for an appendectomy.

However, 1st cousins? Nope - only met them a couple of times in my life and hardly know them. So if my DH had any expectations of them calling if one of our family members were sick, he would be sorely disappointed.

I think what people are trying to tell the OP is that some families have different ways of handling things. She can't project her family's way of handling illnesses on her husband's family. She is just setting herself up for a major disappointment.

Hope your daughter has fully recovered and is doing well!

 

[LisaB]

In my family I am very close to my cousins. I have no siblings but my godmother (my mother's first cousin) her daughter and our friend who lives an hour away came to see diana. In Rhode Island that is a day trip. Also an appendectomy isn't routine in and out surgery. She was in the hospital for 5 days and spiked a fever of 106.

 

[Stitchfans]

Minor or major surgury, a phone call is a simple inexpensive but nice gesture. I would of been peeved too if I were in you shoes.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

In all due respect, a 3 day infant going in for serious, life threatening surgery and having to stay in the hospital for months is a whole lot different than an 8 year old going in for routine in-and-out appendectomy. So routine that some can be done through laparoscopy, so not even a large incision. I equate this the same as having your tonsils out or tubes in your ears. Routine, day-to-day kid stuff that happens.

I would also be furious if my infant was in the hospital for that long and nobody called or contacted me. But absolutely not for an appendectomy.

However, 1st cousins? Nope - only met them a couple of times in my life and hardly know them. So if my DH had any expectations of them calling if one of our family members were sick, he would be sorely disappointed.

right on and well said.

 

[Disney Doll]

Do I think it's too bad that the in-laws aren't a bit more family-oriented?? Sure. It would have been nice if everyone had called, schmoozed you & DD and so forth.

But they didn't. So you have learned something here. Adjust your expectations, because they are obviously not going to meet the expectations you have about how family "should" behave. Good or bad, right or wrong, it is the reality of your situation with the in-laws, so the sooner you accept it an move on, the better off you will be.

And thank them, because they have freed you from having to go out of your way for them in the future to meet their expectations.