In Law Problems

[LisaB]

My daughter Diana was operated on last week and I am very upset that none of my DH's siblings even called to ask how she is doing. When I asked Kevin last night if it bothers him it didn't seem to phase him. His parents didn't even come to see her but did call to see how she was. The excuse is the car doesn't work and they have trouble getting out but that is such bull since they can seem to get out for everthying else

 

[TEENEE]

It would bother me too. However they may have legitimate reasons for not calling. Some people don't want to bother you when you are dealing with a sick child. They may have talked to your in laws to get the update on your daughter. I know from experience I welcomed the calls from family and friends when my dd was in the hospital. Try not to let dh's family get under your skin. Your dd needs your attention. I don't know what she had done but I sure hope she is doing well.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am so sorry!

I hate to say it, because I can see how you must feel.
But, really, I am wondering if you need to adjust your expectations a little bit, and accept this for what it is. Inlaw issues like this are common. And I would hate for you to continue to be hurt by high expectations.

You wrote:
"When I asked Kevin last night if it bothers him it didn't seem to phase him."
I wouldn't dream of letting something like this come between you and your husband.

Times like this you really find out who your friends are. Who you can count on and who you can't....

I hope your DD is okay!!!

 

[VEGA]

My daughter Diana was operated on last week and I am very upset that none of my DH's siblings even called to ask how she is doing. When I asked Kevin last night if it bothers him it didn't seem to phase him. His parents didn't even come to see her but did call to see how she was. The excuse is the car doesn't work and they have trouble getting out but that is such bull since they can seem to get out for everthying else

Sorry you're upset, but you must realize some in-laws can be spiteful and hellish. What's important is that your daughter is doing well so don't let them cause more upset.

Take care and God Bless you and your Daughter.

 

[Chattyaholic]

Is this YOUR daughter, and your DH's step-daughter?

The reason I ask is because if one of my DH's step-siblings or their children were in the hospital I probably wouldn't call either. We are not close with them and only see them at Christmas because we are forced to since DFIL and step-MIL have EVERYONE get together for the holiday. I don't think it would even occur to me to call and find out how they are.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What was the operation?

My dd is getting operated on soon (gallbladder) and I probably won't even tell the in-laws.

That is DH's family...he can tell them or not.

 

[froglady]

Was it something serious, ie, life threatening? I know that there is a small risk with ANY surgery, but I wouldn't be concerned about any of my nieces/nephews having routine surgery. I'm not sure I would even be told, unless my help was needed.

DS had 3 different surgeries, two in another city. My parents were not there for any of them; DD was actually having emergency surgery while DS had his last one.

My parents were always concerned, but didn't feel a need to come with us. (My MIL & FIL are deceased) None of the siblings were unduly concerned, and only the sibling we were staying with saw DS after surgery.

 

[LisaB]

It was Diana's appendix and she is eight. My Dh is her biological father. While not really life threatening it was emergency surgery. In my family people call and come to see people when they are in the hospital. We are all in the same state basically we live on the RI boarder.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My guess is that if it was her appendix, that it was kind of a quick thing... and before everyone even had time to spread the word, it was over?????

At that point, everyone was probably going on the thought that 'no news is good news'.

As I said, I hope that your expectations werent/aren't too high. That can often lead to disappointment.

Really, you do not need to let this bother you, or to be an issue with your husband.

 

[VanniGirl]

I hope your DD is doing well!

I can understand how you feel, my DH had heart surgery about 3 weeks ago, of his 5 siblings, only 2 came to visit. One lives out of state - so I understand, but the other 2 only called once. I just don't get it - my sister called every day.

Don't let them get to you.

 

[sugarpie]

You can't make people care.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It sounds like your dh knows what kind of people they are and accepts it.
You need to accept who they are as well.

I am sure they do other things to bug you.

You can't turn a lion into a cat. It can't be done...believe me I tried. Your inlaws are who they are. Accept and adjust your life accordingly. Basically you "match" how they are with your actions. Don't go over the top trying to get them to "like you".
Conversely do not go over the top when they make you mad.

It makes life more peaceful...

 

[shirleyb]

I know I would check in with my parents if one of my nephews was having surgery, so as not to bother my siblings, or also because they would be hard to get a hold of, running back and forth to the hospital.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It sounds like your dh knows what kind of people they are and accepts it.
You need to accept who they are as well.

I am sure they do other things to bug you.

Your inlaws are who they are. Accept and adjust your life accordingly.
Don't go over the top trying to get them to "like you".

Conversely do not go over the top when they make you mad.

It makes life more peaceful...

Another excellent post MM!

 

[Acklander]

In my family people call and come to see people when they are in the hospital.

My mom is like that - always has been- want's absolutely nothing to do with medical. While growing up when ever any of us kids was sick, she would just have us stay in our room (so we didn't spread germs to others) until we were better. She never made a fuss about it. Being that we were raised that way, all of us are pretty casual about medical things as well and I'm sure others might consider us a bit odd because we're not calling each other and getting updates on the different medical things that are going on. Usually things are just mentioned in passing if we happen to be talking to a sibling/mother anyway and if it's serious only one person gets the update and then gives everyone else the news. We're just the type to keep to ourselves when sick. I know my family cares, we just treat illnesses different then some other families. Since you're dh is unphased by it, maybe he's from a family that's somewhat like mine. Sometimes you just have to accept people for who they are, not who you'd like them to be.

 

[disykat]

I don't visit people in the hospital unless they're there for an extended period or I know they have no immediate family there for support. Most hospital visits are TOO short now days for visitors IMO.

Frankly, if my siblings had children to check on, in this kind of situation I'd probably call my parents for a report and then wait to call my siblings for a few days until things had settled down. If I lived close, I'd be offering help with food etc. but otherwise trying to stay out of thier hair.

I guess I'd assume that they are trying to give you space and give THEM a call to let them know how she's doing. In my family, the person with the illness/surgery/whatever calls OUT to give updates. No one calls IN to keep from inconveniencing them.

I have a pretty close family. We talk on the phone regularly. However, when I had surgery last Spring it was probably up to dh or me to make the calls until I was well enough to get off the couch and get the phone without difficulty. No one wanted to call and risk me the stress of getting to the phone.

While it could be they just don't care, it could also be they just handle things more like my family does. We would assume the relatives were thinking of her and waiting for word.

 

[Nana Annie]

I don't want this to sound cold, but I am afraid that however I write it, it is not going to come across exactly as I want it.

First of all, And I hope your daughter is recovering quickly and comfortably.

You married your husband, not your in-laws. It would be a mistake to have any expectations of your in-laws. I know it sounds cold, but the siblings did not commit to your family just because you and your husband committed to each other.

You cannot have expectations of others just because your family does things one way. Many families do things other ways. Some people care a lot about sibling's families, some siblings could care less. Some people care a whole bunch but show it a different way. Our family is much like the one mentioned above. If a sibling's child had surgery, one person (usually a grandparent) would call and see how it went. If all went well, that info would be passed to the other siblings. Done. It is not that we don't care, but if everything was all right, we would all move on. Or DH siblings would call him at work and ask, but they probably would never call me. Just how it is done.

Would it have been nice for them to call? Absolutely. When you are worried about a child, a little extra attention is always welcome. But if it didn't bother your husband, that should tell you that their family handles things differently than your family. Just because it is different doesn't necessarily mean they don't care.

As long as your husband was there the whole time, your family is complete. And it sounds like the grandparents called several times to check on your DD.

Put it behind you. Wrap your arms around your DH and DD and don't let the in-laws get to you.

 

[Hannathy]

People in the Hospital for most things now are in for such a short time they do not need visitors, especially after surgery they will only be in a day or two, so I would not dream of going for any of my nieces. For a routine surgery like your DD's I would probably assume if there was a problem my MIL would call and I wouldn't bother the parents. I would send a card to my niece at home but that would be about it.

 

[LisaB]

The thing is that there is no card, no call to see how she is doing NOTHING One of his sisters was online when Kevin was home and didn't even ask how Diana was doing.

 

[Christine]

The thing is that there is no card, no call to see how she is doing NOTHING One of his sisters was online when Kevin was home and didn't even ask how Diana was doing.

This is probably not going to make you feel any better but, my DH really likes his siblings, yet he probably wouldn't call if one of their kids had their appendix out.

My DD had her tonsils out and my son was in the hospital for a week with asthma. As far as I know, my DH's sister and brother never called. Now, the grandparents did and I'm sure they relayed the information. My son got no cards or anything either during his weeklong stay and, quite honestly, I never gave it another thought. I know his grandparents love him as well as his aunts, uncles, and cousins. I think they considered it routine and that we would call them if we needed anything.