Important to be close to the grandkids?

[NMAmy]

I was very close to both sets of grandparents growing up. My sister and I spent just about every Saturday night at Grandma's house and she'd make us blueberry pancakes for Sunday breakfast. She was great. We'd spend weeks during the summer with my other grandparents at their cottage on Lake Michigan. DH did not spend a lot of time with his grandparents because his grandfather did not approve of his mother.

I feel badly that dd is not closer to my mom. We lived far away when dd was young and my mom is just not much of a kid person. DD and my dad were great pals, though.

My stepdd recently married and will probably have children soon from what she's told me. It does make me sad that she lives in England and any grandchild spoiling will have to be long distance and on visits.

I have a feeling dd will end up settling somewhere out west. Once we hit retirement age, DH and I may end up moving back out to the southwest to retire if that's where she is. We don't need to live in the same town but I want to be close enough to have a great relationship with my future grandkids. I'm practicing now by spoiling my great nephew and great nieces.

 

[RadioNate]

Can I answer as a parent and a child who had grandparents in 2 locations?

I'll be honest, I don't think it matters much. My dad's parents lived very close. Because my parents were divorced and my dad had zero clue what to do with a pre-school aged girl, I spent every other weekend at my grandparents. We were quite close, however they both passed by the time I was 14.

My mothers parents on the other hand retired early, moved to Florida and kept a lake house for the summer about 2 hours from where we lived. They were very active and very much had their own lives. My grandmother just died this past December and it has been the toughest loss of my life. While we weren't physically close as I child, she was present. Calls, holidays, etc.

Yes, my childhood memories are filled with my dad's parents who took me camping and came to plays and band concerts but as an adult, I had an extremely close relationship with my mom's mother. She was my voice of reason. She understood and advised me in ways my own mother couldn't. (Inlaw drama, you know)

We live about 1100 miles from my mom and a little over 3000 miles from my inlaws. My kids have an close relationship with my mom. Actually with both my parents. Why? They choose to be involved. Sure they don't babysit or attend every activity but they are present in their lives. They call, visit often, and take an interest in what my kids do.

My inlaws, not so much. They may say it is because we live so far but it isn't. They don't make the extra effort needed to get close to the kids. They don't call them. In fact, once my DS begged to call my FIL. He did, left a message...that call was never returned. Broke my heart every time he asked if Grandpa had called him back yet.

So in a nut shell. I don't think physical proximately makes a huge difference. I think you can be close to your grandchildren without living on top of one another.

We've asked my mom several times to move closer to us but while it sound good on paper I think it would be a bad idea. I'd be forced to entertain her. She'd be my shadow and have to hang out with me and my friends all the time. I like living separate lives.

 

[Minnie&Nana]

This brings tears to my eyes, thank you

Terri

 

[TEENEE]

I have a question for those of you who say you will follow your kids. If you have more than one child and they move to different states how will you decide who to follow?

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, Grandma, here to DGS, Paul (age 6 1/2) & DGD, Tabby (age 5). I live fairly close to them. In fact, I get them every Tuesday evening so my oldest DS & DDIL can have "date night".

Every now and then I will have the grandkids for a sleep-over. Sometimes, when they're over on Tuesday evenings they'll ask, "Grandma, is it time for a sleep-over"?

The other grandparents (DDIL's parents) live about 40 mi. away.

I love being so involved in my grandkid's lives!

TC

 

[RF536]

I don't have grandkids, I have 2 sons 9 and 7, so take this for what it is worth. I hope to be the type of grandparent that both DH and myself have been lucky enough to have and that my DS's are currently enjoying. Both DH and I grew up living very close to both sets of our grandparents. We both lived with in walking distance of 1 set and within 10 min drive time of the other set of grandparents. As a result, we both grew up very close to our grandparents, and continue to have a close relationship with them now as adults. Both sets of our parents live within 15 min. of us and see the boys at least once a week, they all come to the boys' school events, scouting events and anything else they are invited to. The boys are very close to their grandparents and when something important happens to them, they are the 1st people they call with the news. I count our blessings everyday that the boys have this time with their grandparents and that the grandparents are so involved in their lives. The grandparents take time to show the boys how to do things and allow them to help them with projects around the house if they want. My FIL's favorite saying "It only took twice as long, but at least I had help." He is a jack of all trades, and loves passing his knowlege on to the boys.

We are so close to our family, that even though I have been unemployed for over 1 year, DH and I have choosen to stay close to our family instead of me looking for a job out of the area.

 

[yoopermom]

I have a question for those of you who say you will follow your kids. If you have more than one child and they move to different states how will you decide who to follow?

Whoever runs the slowest

I only have one, so I don't have to worry about it.

Part of my problem is that DH's and my siblings are all childless (some by choice, some not), so I have no nieces/nephews to spoil. Poor DS has to content himself with second cousins (which he has a lot of luckily).

And in defense of DS's three sets of grandparents (in case they lurk on this board), they all make a HUGE effort to still be part of his life. There's just too many times when he'll sigh and say to me, "(Friend's name)'s grandma/pa is always doing stuff with him. Wish I could do the same." It's what made me come to the conclusion that kids need quality and quantity, both...

Terri

 

[padams]

OP, it would seem logical that living in closer proximity to the grandkids would result in a closer relationship with the grandkids but that is not always the case.

DMIL is much closer to her grandkids that live in other states than she is to DSs. We live 3.5 miles from her. Being nearby, we tend to see her for meals, events, etc. A couple of hours together and then everyone goes home... She is busy with her social life (divorced, has boyfriend) and traveling. MIL spends about 6 week a year staying with Sil's family and probably a month a year with Bil's family. Because she stays with them for days at a time, she becomes much more a part of their daily routines. There's a certain amount of taking our proximity for granted (we see her when she has nothing scheduled), whereas she and her other children have to plan for her extended stays.

 

[Piecey]

Well, I know that neither of my DS's grandparents feel that way.

Right now we all live within an hour of each other, but it's going to change.
My parents are moving when my dad retires. They've already begun the steps to get their house on the market and started looking at houses on the beach.

DH and I want to go west-Nevada probably. My parents know this and they're still moving to the beach. I can't blame them! It's been their dream for years.
My MIL will never leave where she lives. She has told us she won't visit us either. (She doesn't drive and she won't fly if we bought her a ticket) so I'm not sure where that leaves her relationship with our kids (our son and future kiddo are her ONLY grandkids)..

Everyone is different, that is for sure!

 

[NotUrsula]

OP I agree with your DH. You DS and his family could move to city A and you move too. The next year he is transferred to city B and getting help with selling his home and moving. Now what do you do? Do you move again, not knowing if he will move again or stay in a town that you really have not root to?

I would be easier to live where you would be happy and then visiting as often as possible.

I agree. My only caveat is that it's always a good idea to try to be close to a major airport if you anticipate traveling often to see family.

It really doesn't make sense to try to plan now for where you will live 20 years from now, especially when that decision is dependent on being near the children of a child who is not yet grown. He is likely to move for college and then for career, and if he follows the norm, he probably won't marry for at least 10 years yet. You also don't know if he'll ever have children -- there are just too many variables.

Remember that if you choose to live in a resort destination it is likely that family will want to visit you more often than if you do not.

 

[yoopermom]

Oh NotUrsula, I know, I just get tired of listening to DH act as though once DS goes off to college, we're done with him.

And I have the feeling that as much as DS wished he had siblings, and first cousins, we may have quite a few grandkids! (Hope his future wife agrees!)

Terri

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I am part of my grandchilds everyday life . I am blessed with a SIL who understands how important she is to me
My DD's MIL and FIL are also very active in Brynlees life. We each get a whole day to ourself with her every week and we also all take turns picking her up from her sitter. Pretty sweet deal !
They do live within 20 min of each set of Grandparents. To achive this I did give them the house that my DD was raised in LOL You do whatcha gotta do to get what ya want !
My ex husband lives within 30 min ofthe baby and only sees her when my DD takes her over there. He is fine with that , I asked him how he could stand not seeing the baby everyday and his answer was" Its not my kid its our daughters." yet another reason he is the EX husband LOL

My DS does not want any kids but he is 21 so who knows . He did tell us if he gets married he expects us to buy him a house to

 

[sue1013]

Until I was about 10 both sets of Grandparents lived close. My father's parents retired then moved to Florida. Even though I was close with them once they moved it was not the same relationship I had with the other set that were still here. I have wonderful memories from when I was younger with my father's parents but my younger siblings don't since they were much younger when they moved. In my case distance hindered the relationship. Now that I am a grandmother I'm thrilled my DGD lives 5 minutes from me. I see her at least twice a week. She's only 4 but calls to tell me what happened in school, when she goes to a birthday party. I love it! DD and her DH have no plans to move. DS graduated from college in May 09 he's back living at home. He does not like the cold winters I could see him moving somewhere warmer. If he did I would probably go near where ever he is for the winters when we retire.

 

[luvsJack]

We have always lived right by my family so my sons grew up being very close to my mom and dad, and dd is very close to my mom (my dad died when she was a baby). I would have hated to move away and not have my kids being close to my parents or dh's parents.

My grandbaby and her parents live with my mom right now, so they about 5 minutes away. I see her everyday and hope to always be important in her life. But, I also know that with ds's chosen career field the chances are that they will move away (hopefully no more than an hour away, but it certainly could be further). It will be heartbreaking for them to move, but I know that it will be what is best for him to be able to support his family.

 

[SDFgirl]

I don't have grandkids yet, but I can offer perspective from a mom who has experienced both sides of the issue.

I grew up seeing my grandparents twice a year, at most. There was no bad blood, just travel/location issues. I ALWAYS hated it, as a kid. Seeing my grandparents was a "formal" event. I felt like I had to be on my very best behavior, in my best clothes, use my best manners, etc. I could never let loose and enjoy my grandparents. I was always jealous of my friends who would visit with their grandparents all the time. It was like my grandparents were strangers, and their grandparents were real family members.

On the other hand, MY parents and my in-laws are with my two kids all the time. I love it. My in-laws live a block away and my parents live 40 minutes away. It's so wonderful. They all see each other at least once a week, if not more. I'm so grateful that my daughters will have an informal, close, and easy relationship with their grandparents.

Of course, grandparents shouldn't feel under any obligation to live near their grandkids. But as a kid who only saw her grandparents once a year, I can definitely say that I've always felt that I missed out.

 

[Missy1961]

I don't have kids but I do have 14 nieces & nephews. Only 2 live here in NY. But I think if you asked the kids about their relationship with their grandparents, they'd say it is great. My dad & mom (until she passed away) traveled to see the grandkids, they traveled to see grandparents. Luckily, they all live in Virginia, so that's not a long car ride. We split up the holidays (Easter in Christmas in 1 state, Thanksgiving in the other, odd yrs 2 holidays in VA, even yrs 2 in NY), and we visit each other for some of the kids birthdays, graduations, Communions, etc. Sure, grandpa sees the NY kids more often, but when he's in VA, he does tons of stuff with them too. He writes & calls them often, and they do the same. So distance doesn't have to get in the way of a close & fun relationship.

 

[disykat]

While I admit that I hope my kids settle close by, I want them to more wherever their heart desires. I would like to stay right where we are now so my kids will always be able to revisit their childhood home. I also hope to stay open to moving as I get to the point where my kids will be worried about me and want me close by.

I guess we often like to recreate what we had growing up. I grew up visiting grandparents in a different state and I've enjoyed taking my kids back to my childhood home to visit theirs. None of us specifically moved to get away, life just happened.

Unfortunately, my parents are now at the point where they need more "help" from us kids than we can give them at a distance and I wish they'd move near one of us!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am far from this--but it is only important that I can get to them easily. I grew up and spread my wings. I will have 4 children and unless they all decide to live very close to one another, I could and never would choose one to live by.

My husband and I will choose where we want to live and my only hope is that I will be able to financially afford to see them all on a semi-regular basis. I don't hold out hope that I'm going to get to see every important moment in their lives. It isn't realistic.

You can be close to your grandkids without being their neighbor. The relationship is what you make of it and while proximity helps, it doesn't guarantee that you will be any closer than if you lived several hours away. There are phone calls, internet, skype, and good ol' fashioned letter writing.

Good luck with your future decision.

 

[ilovejack02]

I grew up with my grandparents living 12 hours away, but felt very close to them. No they didnt get day to day living, but it didn't matter. I adored them and they adored me. Saw them prob two or three times a year for a week or two at a time.

My MIL moved when my DS was 3, I was REALLY mad. She wanted to go spend time with her other son. They figured they had given DH and I the last ten years, it was time to give some time to the other child. I am a SAHM so I can spend about two weeks in the summer with them so my DS7 can be with them. I do this so we can still have family vacations to WDW or other with DH. DS7 is getting old enough that I will soon just leave him with them LOL.. we will meet half way and let him spend a week alone with them. They come to visit at Christmas and spring for usually a week or so. I feel like we are a pretty close family.. lots of texting , phone calls, emails and facebook lol. NOt a day goes by that we dont hear from MIL in some form.

You dont have to be next door to be a big part. My parents live in the same town and we email and have more phone calls than visits lol. They love my little guy, but have a busy social life and cant spend every moment with us. My parents take DS7 a cpl of Sat nights a month and then church. They will attend all school functions etc if I ask them too. I also didnt want my mom or MIL to ever be a full time sitter. It muddies the water.. Grandparents are just that, not there to make rules and discipline.


I can't wait to have grandchildren. My oldest stepson is 21,
he better wait at least 5 more years lol, but I will be one happy 'grandma' when he does. I will NOT be a full time sitter though nor be in day to day contact besides phone calls but will shower the child with love.
When my youngest starts having babies, I dont plan on living next door, but hopefully with in a cpl of hours at least. I plan on taking that time to enjoy my husband and the world.. and my grandchildren .. just not full time ; ).

 

[MIGrandma]

Growing up I was extremely close to my maternal grandparents and I cherish the time I was able to spend with them, such wonderful memories.

I am a mother, and a grandmother myself now. I live in the same small town as all 5 of my grandchildren, in fact 2 of them live just a quarter mile down the road. I love being able to see them often, go to their school/sporting events, go camping with them, play board games with them, etc. And I count my blessings daily that I am allowed to have such close relationships with all of my grandchildren and to live so close to them.

I don't know that I would follow them across the country, if they had to move, but I would still want to see them as often as we possibly could, and thankfully now we have phones, texting, facebook, etc. to keep in touch daily.

DH and I are approaching retirement age, and while I'm sure Michigan will always be our "home base", I don't think it will be long before we start doing more traveling and be gone to a warmer climate several months of the year. I know it will be a hard transition to be away from home and the kids/grandkids, but we have our own lives to lead too and we're not getting any younger so we want to enjoy traveling while we can.