Important to be close to the grandkids?

[yoopermom]

DH and I have been having a pretty serious "life discussion" about this (even though DS is only 15, so hopefully we have years before we have to deal with it). Background: I grew up next door to one set of grandparents, and was basically raised from the age of 0-5 by my other set of grandparents, so I have VERY strong feelings on the importance of grandparents in their grandkids lives. We moved DS 4 hrs away from his grandparents when he was only a toddler, and a big part of me has always regretted that.

So, when DS has a family of his own, I want to live within, say, an hour of them. It's important enough to me that I will get/give up a job/house/
whatever to be able to do it. DH thinks we should move where he wants to, no matter where DS and his family end up, even if this means only seeing the grandkids a few times a year.

So, if you have grandkids now, or hope to have them in the future, how important is/will it be to you to live close enough to be part of their daily lives?

(This is assuming my DDIL doesn't hate me enough to write posts about me on the DIS)

Terri

 

[AshleyW]

DH and I have been having a pretty serious "life discussion" about this (even though DS is only 15, so hopefully we have years before we have to deal with it). Background: I grew up next door to one set of grandparents, and was basically raised from the age of 0-5 by my other set of grandparents, so I have VERY strong feelings on the importance of grandparents in their grandkids lives. We moved DS 4 hrs away from his grandparents when he was only a toddler, and a big part of me has always regretted that.

So, when DS has a family of his own, I want to live within, say, an hour of them. It's important enough to me that I will get/give up a job/house/
whatever to be able to do it. DH thinks we should move where he wants to, no matter where DS and his family end up, even if this means only seeing the grandkids a few times a year.

So, if you have grandkids now, or hope to have them in the future, how important is/will it be to you to live close enough to be part of their daily lives?

(This is assuming my DDIL doesn't hate me enough to write posts about me on the DIS)

Terri

I'm not a grandparent and I don't have kids of my own (yet) so take this for what you want. When I grew up, I lived on the same block as one set of grandparents (maternal). We were INCREDIBLY close. When I have kids, I wish that my kids and my parents would have the same type of relationship, because it was very important to me.

HOWEVER. My fiance and I are planning on getting married and having kids shortly - within 3 years or so. Last year, my parents (who were well aware of our plans) moved to Clearwater, Florida. I told them my feelings before they moved, and they went anyway. I will say that I'm really happy that they're happy and enjoying their life. However, I'm still (a year later) hurt that they were willing to move so far away from their future grandchildren (and me, of course ) If that makes me selfish, then so be it.

So.. I'm not sure what I was trying to say there, I guess. I guess even if your DH thinks it's not a big deal to move, I'd take into consideration the feelings of your kids and how involved they would want you to be in their (and their children's) lives.

 

[SamRoc]

My loving mother in law (joke) announced 25 years ago when i told her i was pregnant with her first grandchild that she was moving to florida and was too young to be a grandma!! Had some plastic surgery done, dyed her hair blonde and moved. Never had too much to do with her now 14 grandchildren.
I on the other hand would like to live as close as possible to my kids and grandchildren. My kids are now 20 and 24 and neither is even close to getting married. but i want to spoil the heck out of the grandkids, take them to Disney and spend alot of time with them at the beach!

 

[4greatboys]

It is extremely important to me to be involved with my grandkids when I have some. I don't think either of my 2 oldest have plans to move away from where we live but I also have 2 younger boys in elementary school so no moving for us for quite a while. We like our school district and town we live in.

Even if I didn't live close I would be as involved as I could. Calling often and hopefully visiting often. I was so close to my grandparents growing up and I cherish all those memories I have with them.

Sadly my kids don't have that. My parents and grandparents are deceased and my husbands parents are just uninvolved. They only live 30 minute from us but never make an effort to see the kids or attend any events they have.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

(This is assuming my DDIL doesn't hate me enough to write posts about me on the DIS)

Terri

My plans are to be where my children are -- not on top of them, but close enough to be a part of their lives. So, provided that they don't move to opposite sides of the country I'll move to be near them. Right now, they both intend on stayin in the LA area, so here's hoping .

I'm taking notes from the Daughters-in-law & Mothers-in-law here on the DIS on what NOT to do when my kids (almost 21 & 22) do get married.

 

[Princess_Nikki]

DH and I have been having a pretty serious "life discussion" about this (even though DS is only 15, so hopefully we have years before we have to deal with it). Background: I grew up next door to one set of grandparents, and was basically raised from the age of 0-5 by my other set of grandparents, so I have VERY strong feelings on the importance of grandparents in their grandkids lives. We moved DS 4 hrs away from his grandparents when he was only a toddler, and a big part of me has always regretted that.

So, when DS has a family of his own, I want to live within, say, an hour of them. It's important enough to me that I will get/give up a job/house/
whatever to be able to do it. DH thinks we should move where he wants to, no matter where DS and his family end up, even if this means only seeing the grandkids a few times a year.

So, if you have grandkids now, or hope to have them in the future, how important is/will it be to you to live close enough to be part of their daily lives?

(This is assuming my DDIL doesn't hate me enough to write posts about me on the DIS)

Terri

I know I hope I end up with great DDILs myself. We have two boys, DS3 and DS8m. I won't have to worry about this for awhile, but I do understand your concerns.

I am from PA, moved to FL about 7 years ago and have been here since. I have never much liked PA and couldn't wait to move. Now that I have kids, I do feel badly that their grandparents are far away. However! My Dad rocks. He drives down or flies down to FL from PA about 4 times a year. And we make the road trip when we can up to PA. So, my kids only go about two-three months at a time without seeing him. I wish we could see him more, but I chose to move to FL a long time ago and my Dad just loves PA. I'm hoping as he gets older he may stay down here at least during part of the year when he retires.

As for my mom....
She hates PA. She moved down here to FL about a year ago. Both her and her DH (not my Dad BTW) were so excited to get here. Yeah...about 6 months later her DH moved back and so she went to. I heard she hates it back in PA, but what can you do? She and I don't have the greatest relationship, but it would be nice if she paid more attention to her grandkids. She sends them presents, but doesn't call or come to see them.
Some grandparents are wierd.

MY MIL lives with us, so it is awesome to have her around all the time and our kiddos just love her. She is very kind to them and loves to play with them.

I can tell you, when me and DH are grandparents, I'm going to strive to be the greatest grandma on the planet. If my sons don't mind, I'd gladly follow them wherever they go!

I was always around my grandparents, and I loved it!

 

[kellyg403]

I enjoy every moment of my grandchildren, all of them live within 15 min driving time. I can see them when I can/want to.

The truth of the matter for me is I am a lot like you, I would stay right here and never think twice. I would be happy forever living close enough to them to see them daily. DH, on the other hand, while he loves them...would like life to be more about grown up things. He wants to travel, vacation, etc. He wants to do all the things we couldn't do since we were too busy raising children to do it.

So, we reached an agreement...I get to live here in this house he doesn't love nearly as much as me so I can be the type of grandparent I want to be and he just tells me when he wants to travel/vacation or do something without the grandkids around. Not because he doesn't want them around, his agenda at this time in his life is different. Man vs Woman thing..not sure but definitely different ideas. The funny part, he grew up living next door to his grandmother and lived there in the summers because his mom was a single mom. So, he enjoyed grandma's house. Me, I lost one set early in my childhood and the other set moved to CA so we saw them about once a year. Maybe that is the difference in the way we think!

Kelly

 

[Minnie&Nana]

Terri, I understand where you're coming from here. When I was growing up my grandparents were usually across country because my dad was in the Navy - when we would visit them I longed for the kind of relationship my cousins had with them.

When I had children my parents moved from Memphis to Maine to be within driving distance (We lived in Boston), their paternal grandparents were about an hour away. My children had a wonderful relationship with both sets of grandparents, but none were close enough to see them very week or be involved in their everyday lives.

I decided long ago that I would do whatever I had to in order to be close enough to my grandchildren that I could be a help to my children by babysitting or spending time with the little ones. In fact, I made a life changing decision in order to do just that....

My daughter invited me to live with them when they moved for SIL's job...I came...and my first grand-baby was born 17 mos ago...I care for her everyday and it's been such a gift to be able to do this. Do I wish I had my own place? Absolutely, and someday I will, but in the meantime, I would not trade this time for all the riches in the world. When I do have my own place, we plan to make it an in-law apt, so she (or they) can come over whenever they like.

Follow your heart on this one.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Can I chime in as a grown child and a parent?

I was always closer to my grandmother than all of my cousins. All of my cousins lived within an hour of her. I lived in Colorado and everyone else was in Texas. Every summer i spent 2 months living with my grandmother and it was so special for me and we had a great time. Living near her would not have made us any closer than we were.

As a parent, I know MANY couples who would not want a grandparent so very close and always there. They would see it as interfeering and THAT could hurt the experience with your grandchildren. You would really need to see if both your son and his spouse want you to be so close (assuming he actaully has children--not everyone does). Others would cherish having grnadparents so close. I just do not think it would be a good idea to make such a move if you are not SURE you are wanted.

Personally, I really love my in laws and would be fine if they lived near us. As it turns out, we have moved a lot since our first was born 13 years ago (and she was their first grandchild). Had my in laws moved to be near us we would have felt terribly guilty every time we moved, but it was the best for our family. My in laws have their other three grandchildren very near by and see them every week. They see my children only once or twice a year. Howver, everyoen in the family agrees DD has the closest relationship with them, followed by DS. The other kids' parents will tell you it is because we put so much effort into it The kids email their grandparents all the time, we put tons of effort into making sure the time they do have together is special (when the in laws visit us we usually get two weeks with them: one week we all vacation togehter and the other the kids take them to all of "their" palces--favourite parks, dance classes, whatever it is that is makign their life theirs at the moment). They also spend a good hour on the phone with each otehr every week and send cards, drawings, etc back and forth.

So, my point of veiw is that having parents and grandparents who all want the relationship to be strong and who put the effort in is mcuh mroe important than proximity. If you live next door, but alienate the child's parents in the process you will probably not be as close to your grandchils than if you live half way around the world but all aprties involved are workign together to foster a strong bond.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

While I think it's great to be close to grandchildren, I don't think its the be all and end all. My mom/step dad lived on the opposite coast when DS was born. They still were a big part of his life, phone calls, visits (both them and us), etc. They were MUCH more in-his-life than my dad, who lives just a couple hours away.

 

[yoopermom]

My plans are to be where my children are -- not on top of them, but close enough to be a part of their lives.

I'm taking notes from the Daughters-in-law & Mothers-in-law here on the DIS on what NOT to do when my kids (almost 21 & 22) do get married.

So you're saying a grandma's apartment over the garage is "on top of them"? (I've even told DS to marry a high power executive career woman so I can be the overeducated nanny!)

And, yes, some of the stories here on the DIS terrify me

Terri

 

[wdwfan16]

OP I agree with your DH. You DS and his family could move to city A and you move too. The next year he is transferred to city B and getting help with selling his home and moving. Now what do you do? Do you move again, not knowing if he will move again or stay in a town that you really have not root to?

I would be easier to live where you would be happy and then visiting as often as possible.

 

[Pigeon]

I certainly hope to be living close to my grandchildren if I ever have them.

My dad and his wife (now in their 80s) moved to Florida about 13 years ago. They do come back during the summer months, but are usually so busy playing that they see their grandchildren maybe twice a year. I wonder if they'd recognize each other if they were in a crowd. I find that profoundly sad, but that's the way they are.

My ILs stayed in town and have a relationship with my kids that's just priceless. Frankly, they've never been a bit of help, but at least they take an interest in the children, and the children adore them.

I guess it just depends what's important to you. I'm certainly going to try to do better than my father, and I also would love to give my dds a little help when they need it.

 

[Christine]

My general thought is: If you can make it work and everyone is happy, then go for it.

My mother and I lived with my grandmother for 5 years. When we weren't living with her, she was babysitting me or we had her over every weekend. I had a VERY close relationship with my grandmother. My other grandparents I only saw a few times a year. They lived close but were not interested.

I now have teenagers. My parents live within 10 miles of me. When the kids were younger, they came over every weekend to lend a helping hand. I work full time outside the home, as does my husband, so sometimes it was nice to have them come hang out while I ran to the grocery store or something like that. My kids were very close with my parents. But, my parents also work full time--still. So, my parents are not all up in my business all the time. The kids, through their teen years, have not been overly interested in spending a lot of time with their grandparents, but my son will occasionally see a movie with them or hang out at their house.

So, with my kids being 18 and 15 now, I would fully expect that when my parents retire, they won't stay around here. What's the point now?

I think you need to give a little thought to how old you will be when you have grandkids. Will you still be working. If you retire, are you assuming your grandchildren will be babies at that point? What if you retire and they are 18 and off at college. Why would you live close to them then? Remember you grandchildren will only want to spend loads up time with you up until their 16th birthday! I am sort of on your husband's side in that you need to think about where you want to spend most your time together with him. Your grandchildren may be in college or working at some point.

 

[yoopermom]

I decided long ago that I would do whatever I had to in order to be close enough to my grandchildren that I could be a help to my children by babysitting or spending time with the little ones. In fact, I made a life changing decision in order to do just that....

My daughter invited me to live with them when they moved for SIL's job...I came...and my first grand-baby was born 17 mos ago...I care for her everyday and it's been such gift to be able to do this. Do I wish I had my own place? Absolutely, and someday I will, but in the meantime, I would not trade this time for all the riches in the world.

Follow your heart on this one.

This brings tears to my eyes, thank you

Terri

 

[tazdev3225]

All of my kids live within a less than 10 minute drive from me and my DH and each other. When my kids were little we did a lot of things with my mom. I now watch my DD's kids while she works, see my other DD's son at least once a week and my DS's boys when I can. We go over his house at least twice a month. When my DS got married he and his wife actually asked us to go on their honeymoon with them and the kids. I love being this close to my kids and grandkids. The grandkids also also see their great-grandparents all the time. This being said I try really hard not to interfere with their lives and am fairly successful at it.

 

[Robinrs]

I became a single parent when my son was 1 month old... I feel like he grew up in about 7 SECONDS!

He was an incredible baby, a sweet boy and now a remarkable young man of 17. I tell him all the time that I can't WAIT till I'm a grandma so I can relive his childhood.... I would love anything that came from him!!

He's nowhere near the thought of it but I sure hope I get there before I get TOO old!! I made my Dad a Granddad when he was born and my son was 72. I was the age HE was when he had ME! He died when my son was 10. I want more time with my grandkids!

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I would do whatever I could do to make sure that I was a daily part of my Grandchildren's life. My Grandparents were like second parents to me. My Mom was a single parent and they were a huge support for her. My sister and her DH moved to NC from MA when my Nephew was 1...he's almost 19 now. My dh is from NC. When my grandparents passed my Mom and stepdad moved to central NC. At the time my sis was living in Eastern NC and dh and I were in Western NC.....my sister and I both moved within a mile of Mom with a year!! DH has had many opportunities to move with his company, but I can't move away from my Mom when she picked up her whole life at 50 yrs old just to be near me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and I have been having a pretty serious "life discussion" about this (even though DS is only 15, so hopefully we have years before we have to deal with it). Background: I grew up next door to one set of grandparents, and was basically raised from the age of 0-5 by my other set of grandparents, so I have VERY strong feelings on the importance of grandparents in their grandkids lives. We moved DS 4 hrs away from his grandparents when he was only a toddler, and a big part of me has always regretted that.

So, when DS has a family of his own, I want to live within, say, an hour of them. It's important enough to me that I will get/give up a job/house/
whatever to be able to do it. DH thinks we should move where he wants to, no matter where DS and his family end up, even if this means only seeing the grandkids a few times a year.

So, if you have grandkids now, or hope to have them in the future, how important is/will it be to you to live close enough to be part of their daily lives?

(This is assuming my DDIL doesn't hate me enough to write posts about me on the DIS)

Terri

DH has a dd from a previous relationship. He did not know he had a dd until 3yrs ago. So we have 3 grandkids, 5, 4, and 1. This was part of the reason dh made the move from TX back to MO.

We don't see them reg. but we do make it a point to stay connected thru birthdays, holidays, etc.

With my own dd's who are 18 & 13, they both plan on living where they want to. Who knows where they will end up settling. Older dd wants to go back to TX.

I grew up with no grandparents in the same state so it is what is normal to me.

We will see how things are later. I think you can't overthink it. You cross that bridge when you come to it. If it is possible to stay close and connected geographically, then that is great however sometimes it may not be able to work out like that.

 

[davidsprincess]

It is awesome to see so many grandparents wanting to be close to their grandchildren! Just rememer before any decisions are made that there is a discussion with your child and their spouse as to how much help
THEY want. If all parties are on board then it will be smooth sailing.