I'm torn

[happygirl]

My daughter is 4 and plays soccer, well she got into trouble earlier today, and part of her punishment was to miss her soccer game, we called the coach and told him she wouldn't be there and why.. He said but we need her today.. I'm torn I don't if she should play after we already told her she couldn't.. I don't want to let the team down either

 

[TurboKitty]

If you told her she'd not be playing, and you believe it is a punishment suited to the offense, I'd keep her home today. If she learns a lesson at age 4, it is a far better thing than letting her team down for one game.

This being a parent stuff is tough, isn't it?

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

We've had that problem too. The problem is soccer is a team sport so by keeping her away you're really punishing the whole team. In this case I think you should let her play, but explain to her the only reason she is being allowed to play is because its not fair to the team and that the team is counting on her. I'd find another discipline.

 

[Daxx]

Your DD goes to the soccer game. Taking away from the team is punishing the team, no matter how young or old they are.

I would never take a team activity away as a punishment. That team practices w/your child, they need her. You take toys, video games, other priveledges away as punishment. Is the team going out for ice cream after the game? If so, then your DD doesn't go for ice cream. That can be her punishment.

Explain why she is allowed to play even though you said she couldn't ... that you can't take away from the team, the team counts on all its players and then tell her what her alternate punishment will be.

The only time I would take a child off of a team is b/c of grades ... and child would be taken off the team for the rest of the season.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

If your DD was 13...I would say its disrupting the team, but she is only 4.... I have a child that age and in no way would I go against my original punishment to help out a 4 y.o. soccer team. Winning isn't everything. That being said, I would think about a different punishment next time.

 

[Thats_for_Shore]

Ugh, I hate being in that kind of position!

Two days this week, DS8 "forgot" to bring his homework home. On the first day, he knew I was upset, and we had a little talk about responsibility.

On the second day, I told him that he was in big trouble -- and then his friend called, wanting to come over. He had to tell his friend that he wasn't allowed to come over because he was in trouble for forgetting his homework.

The friend offered to read the questions to him over the phone so he could do the homework, but me, being the bad mom that I am, told DS that no, he wasn't going to get out of it that way, he was going to school tomorrow without homework so he could get the proper discipline (lunch detention) for being irresponsible. (This was my way of hoping the homework "forgetting" would stop.)

After the kids got done talking, I got on the phone with the mom, to explain why the kid couldn't come, and why I wouldn't let him get the questions from her kid.

She made me feel like I was making a big deal out of it. But I felt like once I had told my kid something, I was going to stick with it.

 

[happygirl]

This being a parent stuff is tough, isn't it?

exteremly!!!!! Why don't kids come with handbooks lol

 

[Liberty Belle]

I would explain to her that you didn't consider the team when you decided her punishment and that you realize you were wrong and you need to change her punishment. I usually try to give consequences that do not hurt/inconvenience other people (no cancelling sleepovers or dates, etc).

 

[Daxx]

If your DD was 13...I would say its disrupting the team, but she is only 4....

He said but we need her today

Gonna beg to differ -- it must be disrupting the team b/c the coach said he needs her there.

One player off of any team causes a disruption regardless of age. Games may have to be cancelled/forfeited if players don't show up. This could cause some children to be v. disappointed that they couldn't play soccer. Sorry, but playing on a team requires commitment which you need to teach starting at a young age.

 

[KariC]

If your DD was 13...I would say its disrupting the team, but she is only 4.... I have a child that age and in no way would I go against my original punishment to help out a 4 y.o. soccer team. Winning isn't everything. That being said, I would think about a different punishment next time.

I agree, it's a 4 year old team, probably still more instructional. It would be different at an older level, but sometimes you have to find a privledge that works. Taking a video game away doesn't matter to some kids, but...whoa....touch the activity and that child will recognize the seriousness.

We've done that with our twins, and also made one miss a birthday party for behavior issues. I am not as worried about raising the next world famous ballerina or cincinnnati reds player. I am more concerned about raising good people that do the right thing.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, she is only four... we are talking about pre-schoolers here, who may miss practice for any number of reasons.. (not competive sports for older kids) So, first I want to say that the coach is WAY over the top here in his espectations.

That being said... I also would NEVER take away a positive activity like a team sport as a punishment. ( The ONLY valid reason would be that the child was mis-behaving with a very very direct link to the sport... In other words, if the child can not participate appropriately, then the child is removed... That would be the ONLY valid reason, PERIOD.)

My son is not going to be the next Karate champion either... But there are huge benefits to karate... positive socialization, self control, fine and gross motor coordination development, increase in self esteem, etc.. etc.. This goes with most any positive physical group activity. I would NEVER pull my kid out of karate class for any unrelated general misbehavior. Wouldn't even consider it.

My guess is that this is typical 4 year old behavior, which has nothing to do with soccer.

1. In this case, the punishment does NOT address the misbehavior.. completely unrelated.

2. The punishment has a negative impact... removing a positive thing, and NOT a negatiive thing... like extra treats, etc....

I believe that a punishment should first and foremost address the actual problem.

I believe that the punishment should not undermine any other positives that may be beneficial to the child.

Perhaps you might think about reconsidering your discipline strategies...

 

[Buckalew11]

This is a hard one. At 4, they don't "need" her even if she is the best player on the team. However, at 4, it seems like there would be other things to do for punishment than a soccer match.

I'm highly into sports and am also a believer that if you do something terrible enough to warrent missing a game, you miss the game. Other team members will step up and have an opportunity to show their stuff. Sometimes missing a sport can make a huge statement to a kid who loves to play.

My 14yo DD has not been allowed on college property for 2 weeks as punishment. Now how many 14yo would care about that one. Well, mine is devasted with that punishment--there is NOTHING that could have been worse in her eyes. Sometimes you have to do what makes a big impression on them. It is hard as a parent to follow through with that.

Good luck. Letting her play and choosing another punishment will not be the end of the world if you choose to go that route.
Just remember, some schools (most have the rule but few follow it!) stick to the rule that a student's grades have to be good enough to play the sport. We had an excellent player miss ballgames because of her poor grades. We needed her on the court but she did not hold up her end of the bargain. Another altlete stepped up and did a great job. It is just part of life!

 

[Daxx]

Sorry, but playing on a team requires commitment which you need to teach starting at a young age.

I am more concerned about raising good people that do the right thing.

Well, isn't doing the right thing keeping the commitment you made to the team?

We have season tickets for Bandits lacrosse (national team). DS signed up for spring lacrosse and was selected for the travel team. At the beginning of the season, we had to miss the first pro game b/c of DS's lacrosse game. Tonight we will have to miss a good part of the pro game b/c of travel lacrosse. DS knows that he has committed to travel lacrosse and it comes above all other activities (bday parties, tickets to events, etc.).

You need to teach your children the value of being a teammate, committing to the team and that includes attending all games and practices.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't like to use punishments that punish other children. I would not keep my child home from a game, playdate, or birthday party. There are SO many other options. I'm guessing that, since the coach called, she is needed - maybe if she doesn't show up, they will forfeit, and no one will play.

 

[happygirl]

It problary wasn't the best punishment but it was the first thing I thought of

 

[barkley]

i disagree.

with the types of teams 4 year olds are on it would be extreemly rare not to have more players than are ever needed at one time during a game. players are made to sit out penalties or entire games if they exhibit inappropriate behaviour during games or miss important practices therefore it's not make it or break it if one child is kept from playing one game (and if it is how do they handle it when the inevitable illness or injury occurs?).

i personaly believe that if kids are going to participate in sports or other team oriented extracurriculars they need to learn that their behaviour on and off the field needs to support and demonstrate their dedication to their team. by that-if they misbehave at this age then they need to know that their parent will hold them accountable, and the consequences are that it will impact not only them personaly but potentialy their team as well.

i've known kids that were absolute hellions (not saying this is the case your dd op ) but they were key players on sports teams and their parents never withheld their participation in a game. the games were the most important activities to these kids so other punishments did'nt have any impact-they were still doing what they wanted anyway. then the kicker would be that these kids would get those arbitrary 'good sportsmanship' awards at the end of the season which just (in my mind) reinforced their mindset that so long as they behaved/performed on the field nothing else mattered.

op-i'de stick by my original punishment.

 

[daisyduck123]

4 years old?
Miss the soccer game. It won't be possible for her to let the team down.....her teammates won't even realize she's missing.

 

[MichelleVW]

I would have chosen a different punishment. My DD's were on teams when they were younger that had to forfeit games because other people wouldn't bring their kids to games for whatever reason.

I believe if you sign your kid up for a team sport then you need to be there unless someone is sick. Even at age 4 it teaches them responsibility and teamwork.

 

[Buckalew11]

Perhaps you might think about reconsidering your discipline strategies...

Extra treats? The one thing I never take away is reading. I may be wrong in that decision but that one is off limits for me. I have gotten to the point where I will tell her that she can't read "here" or "during this time" but other than that I can't take that one away.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, isn't doing the right thing keeping the commitment you made to the team?

You need to teach your children the value of being a teammate, committing to the team and that includes attending all games and practices.

I soooo agree!!!!

I think it is a bad thing to consider a commitment to a team as something that is optional, and can be played on a whim.

When your child gets older... a certan number of missed practices could warrant expulsion from the team.

If you want your child to continue in team sports as she gets older, it is probably a good idea to begin to take this commitment seriously right now...

THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER OPTION FOR DISCIPLINE...
IN FACT, PART OF THE DISCIPLINE THAT IS GAINED FROM TEAM SPORTS IS THE WILLINGNESS TO STEP UP AND MEET YOUR COMMITMENTS TO YOUR TEAMMATES...

I would not compromise one positive discipline in order to try to dole out another discipline.