I'm not old enough for my DD to date boys!!!!

[lucyanna girl]

We do not allow DD 14 to date. Don't want those nasty boys hanging out at the house, we know all about them - we have three sons ourselves.
However, a group of her friends are going to the movies tomorrow and they are sort of matched up, you know, boy A likes girl A, Boy B likes girl B, etc. We know and like the mother who is taking them. BUT, I'm not mature enough for this. I thought I was safe for a little while yet, we told her she cannot date until she is 16 or maybe 32. She will be 15 in July. I know this isn't a real date but my oh my do I see the future staring me in the face. I knew she was just too pretty.
So, DISers, give me some words of comfort, please.

 

[Tiggeroo]

yep sweety it's just the beginning. Movies and dances where you're with a guy who's not really a date. The going out with thing at school, phone calls and im's. Then it's the real thing and tears. Hang on it gets bumpy.

 

[Twinkles6892]

Deep, cleansing breaths, you're going to get through this. My dad was freaked out when I started hanging out with boys too (I'm 16) but we worked through it, your DD is a good kid, everything's going to be fine

 

[daughter_of_amid_chaos]

this is what my mom told me when I started dating boys (i actually only dated one throughout high school on and off starting when I was 15 and ending after i graduated at 18):
If you want to break up with him but you don't want him mad at you, tell him your parents aren't comfortable with you dating yet and then they'll be mad at us instead of you.

I never used it though lol

 

[barkley]

i'm not near as worried about dd as ds!!!!

he is only shy of 9 but has had a "harem" of little girls enthralled with him since age 4!!!! we have one little girl who caught sight of him when we began dropping off dd at school (he was age 5 at the time/she age 4) who started with a smile, and some 5 years later refers to me as "mom" (as she continues to slyly smile and cuddle up to him ).

we joke with dd that she is not allowed to date until she is 30 (and fortunatly at 11 1/2 she is in total agreement ).

the concern i would have with "group dating" (and i know allot of parents feel this is the safer venue) is the issue of peer pressure. i think some parents feel this is a safer avenue than individualized dateing, but i believe (and recall from my younger days) that it is more difficult to say "no" in a group situation than it is in a one on one situation.

 

[Disney_1derland]

No words can really make this better, can they? Just use your parental instincts and keep an eye on her, stay involved and if you are suspicious about a situation then trust your judgement. It's going to get ugly at times and there will be tears. STAY INVOLVED!!! Those are the best words I can give you. My parents gave up on me at age 16 and let me run wild and it was a very bad decision on their part.

Now, feel free to save this message, I'm going to need it thrown in my face in about 10 more years

 

[disneylizzy]

It's all downhill from here .... no, just kidding but teenage girls are a whole different experience from the boys. And about that double standard - oooohhh boy, alive and well in our house. I found myself with no good argument to "But you let Fred (older bro) do X, Y or Z when he was my age .... ". I could only counter with, "But you are my Daughter!"

Keep them involved and busy, that's what I say. DD did a sport every season and took honors classes. She had very little time for just hanging around. IM'ing, though ... very hard for anyone else to get on the computer when she was home. Good Luck!!!

 

[we3disneygo]

my dd just turned 12....I guess I'm at the beginning of the road on this one......yikes!!!

 

[Twinkles6892]

It's all downhill from here .... no, just kidding but teenage girls are a whole different experience from the boys. And about that double standard - oooohhh boy, alive and well in our house. I found myself with no good argument to "But you let Fred (older bro) do X, Y or Z when he was my age .... ". I could only counter with, "But you are my Daughter!"

I can't wait to see what my parents let my little brother do. My dad doesn't like boys around, period. I had friends come over for halloween, and my parents were out, and my dad walked through the front door and Jeff, who was in the bathroom, walked down the stairs, followed by Emma, who was in my room. I heard about that one for a looooong time, and it wasn't even me!

 

[SillyMe]

I can relate. My dd14 just started dating a boy. They are on the phone or the computer with each other every day, several times a day. He comes over to the house to watch movies and hang out with her. Believe me, I'm not ready for it either, but the best thing you can do is to keep the lines of communication open. My dd has been confiding in me alot more than I thought she would. It keeps the trust between the two of us and make the situation easier to deal with.

 

[DVC Jen]

I know exactly how you are feeling. I am getting into the same boat with you.

I have always told my DDs that I will allow them certain freedoms as long as they maintain my trust. The minute that trust is broken those freedoms are gone and it will take them a LONG time to build that trust again.

I am really pretty strict with my daughters, but I am also so afraid of being too strict and having them do things behind my back and or keeping things from me.

This parenting thing is not easy is it?

 

[sweet angel]

I'm on the opposite/easy end of this. DS14 has a girlfriend. They hang out at her house. Her parents love him. Actually, all parents seem to love him. I'm not quite sure what he's showing them that he doesn't show at home.

My son is good -- I hope. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open and hope for the best. Even at 14, if they want to do something, they will find a way.

 

[luvdzny]

DD is 16 and has been dating her boyfriend since she was 14. She started going to movies in boy/girl groups in around 7th grade. We never had any rule about what age she could start dating. She has always been very honest about who she is with and where they are going etc. A lot of her friends were not allowed to date until they turned 16, but that did not stop them. They just lied to their parents about what they were doing. We always thought we would rather have our kids be honest with us, it is much easier this way. We love DD's boyfriend and have become good friends with his parents as well. Good luck in this "new world" it can be an exciting time for you and your DD.

 

[WDWMom]

My DD is 14, 15 in April, and is not allowed to date, period. No group dates, no boys hanging around, no parties. Her friends are doing those things either so it doesn't bother her. She does go to school dances and has danced with boys, no problem. I just don't think girls need to start dating at 14. Too much pressure. Thankfully DD has a good head on her shoulders, but I want to keep it that way.

 

[sweet angel]

Can I ask how those of you who don't allow your children to date can be sure that they're not? I'm not looking for trouble, but honestly, how can you monitor your child 24/7?

 

[SillyMe]

Can I ask how those of you who don't allow your children to date can be sure that they're not? I'm not looking for trouble, but honestly, how can you monitor your child 24/7?

You brave soul.

 

[sweet angel]

You brave soul.

I'm really not trying to stir anything up here, but I'm curious.

I don't know if it's naive parents or REALLY good kids, or perhaps a combination of both. Hey, maybe I'm the oddball!

We'd all like to BELIEVE our kids would never do anything other than what we ask them to, but......

 

[CraftyMouse]

I'm on the opposite/easy end of this. DS14 has a girlfriend. They hang out at her house. Her parents love him. Actually, all parents seem to love him. I'm not quite sure what he's showing them that he doesn't show at home.

My son is good -- I hope. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open and hope for the best. Even at 14, if they want to do something, they will find a way.

If you didn't live in NJ I'd swear you were talking about my DD13's boyfriend. He is literally the "boy next door" and I think he spends as much time here as he does at home. They hang out, watch movies, play video games, etc. He is completely respectful of DD and treats her like the treasure she is. Not only are they bf/gf but they are best friends as well. They have walked into town to have lunch or go to a play so I guess they have had some dates, but I know both of them well and trust them.

I agree that teenagers will find a way to do what they want to do. I would much rather that she feel comfortable and open with DH and I rather than hide things from us and do things behind our backs. I watch the choices that she makes and only intervene if I think that they are harmful to her. So far she has shown that her criteria for a bf are intelligence, a sense of humor and someone she can have fun with. I'm okay with that.

 

[diswedwish]

Just had to laugh when I saw this thread - I'm 27 and my parents are like that right now

No, my situation is somewhat different - just left my husband about 2 months ago - discovered that he was chatting up an underage girl on-line (will omit the age, but she was young)... More to it than just that, but suffice it to say that the proper authorities know... Divorce in progress...

So now I'm back at home again for the time being - I'm the only child, and have always been extremely close to my parents. And now that I'm home protection is the only thing on their mind. "You're going for a walk, outside at night! You'd better wear reflective clothing!", "Oh my God, you're going out with friends!!! Don't you just want to stay here the rest of your life?!" I went out for the first time the other night and stayed at a friend's house - phone calls were made, permission was asked (am I really 17 or 27? - lol) - and my mom stayed up all night worrying. She suggested that I sleep on the floor of their bed room or wear a kiddie leash - I think she was kidding -

Don't let this happen to you! Sometimes we come back you know - lol!!! After a very long talk about how it is important for me to, you know, leave the house for a reason other than work, they are starting to come to their senses, but oh my, it's been very very funny... Then I told her for New Year's that a friend and I are off to Canada to try out those clubs that are illegal in the US. That was a good one

 

[luvdzny]

Can I ask how those of you who don't allow your children to date can be sure that they're not? I'm not looking for trouble, but honestly, how can you monitor your child 24/7?

I am curious about this as well. I know that a few of DD's friends that were not allowed to date were telling their parents lies and dating anyway. I know it is impossible to moniter your kids 24/7 but at least I know that when she is at her boyfriend's house his parents are home and when they are here we are home. I know that there a plenty of other opportunities for them to be alone, but I just have to trust her to make the right choices.