I'm not happy and it's a really stupid thing

[Disney Darling]

Trust is very important in a marriage and his actions are making you question it. From your picture, you appear young and these feelings need to be "nipped in the bud". I would recommend having a conversation about this with your DH and tell him this is making you uncomfortable.

Granted you do not want him sitting alone, but there are some invitations he could reject as he is married. I agree with the pp that said this sounds like a double date. It could be totally innocent, but ... Put the shoe on the other foot, what if you did the same. How would he react. Food for thought.

My marriage did survive one bout of infidelity on my DH's part many years ago. It took alot of work, but we had a lot to lose. Our relationship is different now, we talk about our feelings, which we did not do before. Being open and honest is best. We are going on 25 years of marriage now and even though we still have to work on it, things are better.

Good luck to you!

I absolutely agree. There are some invitations he could and should reject as a married man. This would also set a presedence so that in the future friend and his wife don't invite single mom when your husband is invited and create a couple for them to pal around with ala "double date".

Trust me, from a person who knows, you need to protect your marriage because seemingly innocent meetings can turn into emotional feelings. Just trust me on this!! And it starts with intimate encounters like this! Please just trust me on this. I'm not saying it happens in one night but once your DH goes out with them once, they'll start making other opportunities for them all to go out as a couple. It's fun for them to have another "couple" to pal around with. And remember, DH's friend's wife doesn't really know you but she's in tight with her BFF. If your husband is a great guy (and it absolutely sounds like he is) and if her BFF starts crushing on your guy what loyalty does this woman have to you or your DH to stop anything that could happen? She'd probably encourage it for her BFF Single mom friend to finally have a great guy! I could be going overboard with my ideas but do you really want to take that chance?

 

[Nancyg56]

No advice Tina. You have every right to feel jealous that you are not with your husband. It is the Holiday season and I think that is adding to your feelings. I have never seen one post from you that indicates you do not trust Matt and I do not think you are really jealous of the "chick". I can see that your DH friend thought that he was doing something nice but as others have said, what may have seemed like a good idea at the time is in reality in pretty poor taste. I am surprised that his wife did not point out how insensitive this is and how it could hurt both you and Matt.

I love my DH and trust him and I can totally see him getting himself into this kind of situation ten years ago. He is an older man now and knows better now but there was a time he was as blind as a man could be to female thought processes. Now he does not understand why I react the way I do but he sure knows what is going to make me upset even if it makes no sense to him.

 

[Pugsley]

Tina, I've been married a long time to a wonderful guy and I'm telling you straight up I wouldn't like the situation either.
Part of how you stay married for a long time is you protect your relationship from outsiders. This woman may have absolutely zero designs on your husband. Or not. Doesn't matter, IMHO, your dh shouldn't accept any more invitations that appear to create 'couples' for the evening. An odd number would do a lot to make me feel better if I were you.

Exactly. My husband always tells me that he would never put himself in a situation that could possibly even *look* inappropriate because he would never want me to feel uncomfortable in any way. And he wouldn't want *anyone* to have the perception that he isn't 100% committed to me. I have total confidence that he wouldn't cheat, but I sure as heck wouldn't want him to be out on a double date nonetheless! OP, you're not being stupid at all, and what would really bother me is that he knows you don't like it but he's doing it anyway. It kind of stinks too, because you don't want him to have to tell his buddy that you won't let him go! Then you look like the bad guy.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You all are not making me feel better lol. I thought for sure you all would tell me how silly I'm being and that of course nothing bad is going on. Now I feel even worse lol

I will talk to my husband more about it this evening. I trust him completely but like others have said things can and do happen. I'm planning a trip in January to GA to see him and meet his friends so they can really connect 1 + 1=2 sometimes I think that people don't connect the counterpart of someone if they have never met that person. I plan to make sure they rememeber me lol

I'm not going to tell him not to go tonight. I am going to tell him my feelings about everything and make it clear I don't want this to become an every week thing. The only chick he is taking out damnit is me!

 

[dwdeb]

um, if you are unhappy/ uncomfortable with this(and you should be), why don't you tell him how you feel and ask him not to go on this double date???

There must be other ways of socializing that do not involve going out as a couple? Sure his buddy is at fault, but your husband needs to take responsibility too.

 

[Christine]

You all are not making me feel better lol. I thought for sure you all would tell me how silly I'm being and that of course nothing bad is going on. Now I feel even worse lol

I will talk to my husband more about it this evening. I trust him completely but like others have said things can and do happen. I'm planning a trip in January to GA to see him and meet his friends so they can really connect 1 + 1=2 sometimes I think that people don't connect the counterpart of someone if they have never met that person. I plan to make sure they rememeber me lol

I'm not going to tell him not to go tonight. I am going to tell him my feelings about everything and make it clear I don't want this to become an every week thing. The only chick he is taking out damnit is me!

Truly, I don't think anything bad is going on. I do think it's a good idea to talk and that he not make a habit of this.

Way back in the dark ages when my DH and I were in our early 20s and in the military, he went overseas without me for 6 months (I was to arrive later). As a single (yet married guy) he was taken in by his other married squadron members and invited to their houses for dinner and just general fun every weekend. Everyone was all very young and still into having partying times!! I noticed that in our phone calls, he had started to develop a "friend" relationship with one of the wives. He was always very open about it and kept telling me how much I was going to like her when I got there. To be honest, I actually thought NOTHING of it. Until I got there. None of the wives, with the exception of one, was overly friendly toward me and never were for the next three years. This other girl and I ended up working at the same place and she was always cordial to me but would never warm up. She and her husband had a rocky marriage and, in looking at the situation, I quickly realized that she probably had a thing for my husband and her best friends (the other wives) supported her in that. I was the bad guy.

Nothing ever came of it but I wonder that if it had gone on longer without me there, if something would have because my husband did grow to really like her "as a friend" and I think when those situations are allowed to intensify, even the best of people struggle.

I tend to agree with some of the points the other posters have made. These people have no allegience to you because they don't know you (either the buddy, his wife, and her friend). Right now, these outings are about what is fun for them and they aren't thinking of your feelings. I'm sure NONE of them would be comfortable with the situation if the shoe was on the other foot.

I think you're doing the right thing but I wouldn't want to see it become routine.

 

[mjkacmom]

I've been married for 15 years, and with my DH for over 20. I would not be happy that he was going on a double date, and he's never given me any reason not to trust him.

 

[alexandria674]

It sounds like a double date, but then again it may not be that way. I think that if you have a problem then you should talk to him, don't accuse him of anything (not saying you are) but just voice your opinion about it. I don't see why this has to be a even number thing, can't someone come along too?

 

[lillygator]

oh I'd be madder than a wet hen.....I agree with the poster who said this is setting a precedence. I wouldn't want him to go.

 

[kehlyrsmom]

I have to agree with everyone else you are not out of line to be upset. I would definately let him know how you feel about the situation. What may start out as being innocent on his part, may turn into a flirtation, and more then likly started by the "chic". Hopefully it would never turn into this but let him know how you feel right now.

My husband and I just had a major disagreement over his facebook "friends" a couple of nights ago. So maybe I am an overely jealous person but my husband got himself into a situation several years ago with another women and his was extremely emotionaly involved with her he denies that it was physical, but I still wonder.

 

[C.Ann]

Not stupid - perfectly normal - especially since you get so little time with him due to his military career..

 

[GoodFairies]

I think your feelings are normal, but probably unfounded. The fact that he openly told you about his plans (and the time he spent with this woman before) means he's being very upfront--in my book, trustworthy.

I have co-workers who are male who I go to dinner with when we're at conferences. Just because they are male, doesn't automatically mean something inappropriate will happen. On this night out, chances are he spent the evening talking with this buddy and his wife spent the evening chatting with the "friend".
I mean, I'm married---and that's what usually happens at most dinner dates/parties I go to.

Read this again!

I totally agree. No, I don't think your feelings are stupid but it seems clear here that you have nothing to worry about. It sounds like the 2 guys will be hanging out and the 2 women. They are going to dinner and a concert - where to my knowledge it would be pretty difficult for anything to happen. I would not be worried unless I knew my husband and this woman were hanging out alone on a regular basis.

 

[Lionqueen2]

No, I don't think your feelings are stupid at all. You husband is in the military and that does make marriage harder. It does sound like both you and your DH are missing each other's company and he may be trying to fill the void with friends.

Many circumstances can start out innocently, but then people find themselves in situations that were not planned. You can trust your husband, but do you know or trust the friend's wife or her BFF?

I know you said that DH was coming home for Christmas, but is it possible for you to fly down occasionally for a weekend? I know you said that you planned on doing this in January, but December is a great month for holiday activities and you could join him for some of those with his friends.

If it were me, I'd be on a plane. I'd tell DH that it may be silly on my part, but our recent conversations made me feel so lonely and made me realize how much I missed him and didn't want to wait till Christmas to see him. And, I'd make sure I took the January trip, also.

I know you love your husband very much. He sounds like a wonderful man and you seem like an exceptional woman. I'm sure when DH's friends get to know you, they will realize, as all of us on the Dis have, what a warm and truly special person your DH has for a wife.

Best wishes.

 

[surfergirl602]

As a mil spouse... your post sends up all kinds of red flags. Ummm heck ya!!! Your mind is telling you that you should be upset!!! You hardly get to see him, so he should be spending time with YOU... not someone else's wife!! I think you have every right to be upset. And you need to tell him so.

 

[GoodFairies]

As a mil spouse... your post sends up all kinds of red flags. Ummm heck ya!!! Your mind is telling you that you should be upset!!! You hardly get to see him, so he should be spending time with YOU... not someone else's wife!! I think you have every right to be upset. And you need to tell him so.

Will you stop scaring the heck out of her?
Come on, this makes no sense whatsoever.

There are many "what do you think about what my spouse is doing/acting" on the Disboards that send up major red flags, but this is not one of them.

 

[Disney Darling]

You all are not making me feel better lol. I thought for sure you all would tell me how silly I'm being and that of course nothing bad is going on. Now I feel even worse lol

I will talk to my husband more about it this evening. I trust him completely but like others have said things can and do happen. I'm planning a trip in January to GA to see him and meet his friends so they can really connect 1 + 1=2 sometimes I think that people don't connect the counterpart of someone if they have never met that person. I plan to make sure they rememeber me lol

I'm not going to tell him not to go tonight. I am going to tell him my feelings about everything and make it clear I don't want this to become an every week thing. The only chick he is taking out damnit is me!

My mother in law used to always say to my father in law, "I trust you. It 's the devil I don't trust." She's a very religious woman, but you could very well say, "I trust you. It's the other single woman I don't trust." I'm not saying anything bad is happening either. But these innocent get togethers seem very intimate to me (i.e. not a group but totally "looks" like a double date) and it is out of these date type settings that feelings could spring forth. I'm not even saying on your DH's end but from the single mom. I don't know this woman, she may be very nice but why even put yourself in such a situation. Know what I mean?

Truly, I don't think anything bad is going on. I do think it's a good idea to talk and that he not make a habit of this.

Way back in the dark ages when my DH and I were in our early 20s and in the military, he went overseas without me for 6 months (I was to arrive later). As a single (yet married guy) he was taken in by his other married squadron members and invited to their houses for dinner and just general fun every weekend. Everyone was all very young and still into having partying times!! I noticed that in our phone calls, he had started to develop a "friend" relationship with one of the wives. He was always very open about it and kept telling me how much I was going to like her when I got there. To be honest, I actually thought NOTHING of it. Until I got there. None of the wives, with the exception of one, was overly friendly toward me and never were for the next three years. This other girl and I ended up working at the same place and she was always cordial to me but would never warm up. She and her husband had a rocky marriage and, in looking at the situation, I quickly realized that she probably had a thing for my husband and her best friends (the other wives) supported her in that. I was the bad guy.

Nothing ever came of it but I wonder that if it had gone on longer without me there, if something would have because my husband did grow to really like her "as a friend" and I think when those situations are allowed to intensify, even the best of people struggle.

I tend to agree with some of the points the other posters have made. These people have no allegience to you because they don't know you (either the buddy, his wife, and her friend). Right now, these outings are about what is fun for them and they aren't thinking of your feelings. I'm sure NONE of them would be comfortable with the situation if the shoe was on the other foot.

I think you're doing the right thing but I wouldn't want to see it become routine.

In my previous post above, I edited out a whole section because of the personal nature but you're story is remarkably close. Same thing, the other woman in our story was married but come to find out this woman, who as a friend was texting my husband and hanging out with my husband when I was in school in the evening and her husband was working, was in a rocky marriage. It seemed innocent at first, they were friends. We both were friends with her (me first). We did things together as a threesome group. Going shopping, playing games when her DH was working late, hanging out. . . just doing friend things. We don't have children, they don't have children so we were just young adults hanging out. Then, when they had become "friends" that's when she started sending text to him and started trying to hang out with him in the evenings. I kept telling myself, hey this is the 21st century guys and girls can be friends can't they? But, it turns out she was really crushing on my husband and he (WHO HAD NEVER DONE ANYTHING WITH HER) admitted, after she and I had a "Come to Jesus" meeting that he did start developing feelings for her. He said he doesn't know what those feelings were. . . he can't say it was love but they were emotionally charged feelings none the less.

I'm sorry, but the only emotional feelings my husband needs to be having towards a woman are towards me.

I'm not saying any of that will happen to you and your husband, I'm just saying protect your marriage with everything you've got in you! As my priest says, "Avoid the near occasion of sin". This way you know nothing will happen.

 

[SpecialK]

Will you stop scaring the heck out of her?
Come on, this makes no sense whatsoever.

There are many "what do you think about what my spouse is doing/acting" on the Disboards that send up major red flags, but this is not one of them.

I agree! Years ago, my husband and a co-worker started going to a walking path where they both work after school. They both had time to kill between teaching and supervising afterschool activities and thought it would be a good time to get some exercise in.

All well and good, and it didn't occur to my husband how it looked or how I would feel about it because he had absolutely no other agenda. I expressed my feelings, told him he had a chick (what's wrong with that word?) to walk with at home with two kids and he took a different view.

 

[surfergirl602]

Will you stop scaring the heck out of her?
Come on, this makes no sense whatsoever.

There are many "what do you think about what my spouse is doing/acting" on the Disboards that send up major red flags, but this is not one of them.

What I am getting at, is that she has every right to feel this way!! It's not stupid! If my husband was gone, and he was telling me about all the fun things he was doing with other people, I would be very upset!! I am not saying he's cheating on her, that's not what I was saying and I should have put that in my first post. That actually didn't even come to mind. But there are certain ways and conversations that military couples talk to each other so that their relationship stays healthy and secure. If my hubby was telling me about all the fun family things he was doing for someone else's family, and about the fun things he was doing like going to a concert and dinner... I would feel very left out and lonely. That is what I am getting at. She's right to let her feelings show through and not deny them. That's what the red flags are - HER FEELINGS!

It was very nice of her husband to help out the single mom... but when your DH is far away, and you are left out .... its OKAY to feel this way and not deny it. Its normal! From one spouse to another... you have to reassure each other just so you know everything's okay.

This is not one of those : I think my DH is cheating on me threads. This is about having every right to miss your hubby and be jealous that his fun time is being spent with other people and not yourself.

You can't deny your heart. If you heart is hurting, you need to talk about it!

Having friends and keeping busy is a good thing. But if she misses him and her heart is hurting, she needs to let him know about it. How else is he supposed to figure it out? He is a man, after all.

 

[claudia]

I think your feelings are normal, but probably unfounded. The fact that he openly told you about his plans (and the time he spent with this woman before) means he's being very upfront--in my book, trustworthy.

I have co-workers who are male who I go to dinner with when we're at conferences. Just because they are male, doesn't automatically mean something inappropriate will happen. On this night out, chances are he spent the evening talking with this buddy and his wife spent the evening chatting with the "friend".

I mean, I'm married---and that's what usually happens at most dinner dates/parties I go to.

I would have to agree with this....I think you DH's friends probably invited the single lady along for company for the wife....it gives the guys time to chat without the wife feeling like the third wheel.

 

[Briarmom]

Another military spouse chiming in.

Tina, from all the posts I've read, I can safely say that your dh thinks you hung the moon. I wouldn't worry about it. He's going to talk to his guy buddy and the wife is just bringing her friend.

I've been doing this military wife thing for...well, for-freaking-ever and we just deal with different things than other spouses do. When our spouses are gone, they have to try to find things to do that make the time go faster. Just let him know how you feel.