I'm in a huge pickle (very long) Update pg3

[RadioNate]

I have no idea what to do.

I'll try to make this short and clear. Last night a friend (friend #2 = F#2) caught another friend's (friend #1 = F#1) husband with another woman.

We know couple #1 has been having tons of marital problems and have suspected that he has a girlfriend but no one knew for sure until last night.

F#2 immediately called me. She was introduced to the girl and everything. We are both SICK and don't know what to do.

Do we tell friend #1 her husband has a girlfriend? They have been in marriage counceling and he did move out for about 5 months but he moved back in over the holidays. I don't think she knows about the girlfriend. Like us she may suspect, but doesn't know for sure.

The situation gets really sticky because both DH and F#2's DH have business relationships with the cheating husband.

So now we are all stuck in the middle. Our options are:
a) tell friend #1, completly distroy her world but at least she knows and can move on. F#2 and I may loose a friend, my DH may have problems at work dealing with cheater and F#2's DH may loose a huge business oppertunity as cheater is his biggest client.
b) don't tell. F#1 stays in the dark trying to save her marriage. If she finds out we knew, we may loose a friend. DH and F#2's DH are not thrilled with cheater but their business info is safe.
c) DH and F#2's DH talk to cheater, tell him we know and that he needs to tell his wife or we will. This risks F#2 DH's business relationship.

Here are some additional "facts"
DH's and cheaters working relationship is already strained. Cheater has been very distracted at work and slacking. While DH is not his boss they do have to work together on projects and cheater hasn't been holding us his end. DH and cheaters boss knows this.

We were all friends as couples. In the last 6 months or so cheater has pretty much blown us off. His wife (F#1) has made an effort to still be our friend. She is defianately part of our "girl group." Cheater has shown up to some of the guys poker nights etc but generally gets drunk and obnixous.

I am SO angry that he put us in the middle of this. I'm SURE cheater knew F#2 would tell me. I actually think he introduced the girl to F#2 on purpose so we would do his dirty work. I am a little mad at F#2 for telling me but I would have found out anyway. Her DH would have told my DH. I don't really blame her though because I always share info I don't really want to have so someone else can share my pain.

Thoughts, opinions?

 

[peacefulgirl]

Thats a mess. I would say opt 3, cheater need to tell his own wife, if possible I would go that route. I would have DH tell him he is not getting involved and that he need to talk to his own wife.

Then I would tell gf#2, that you guys shouldn't discuss it. I cant stress enough the "gossip" factor that will happen if you do not stop it now. You will get stuck in it and you will say its not gossip, your concerned for friend, ect., but if you are talking about it to anyone but her, it really becomes gossip. Save yourself the aggravation, do speak of it anymore. I have been in the middle b4, info coming from gf#2 too, same deal.... it is ugly and caused me so much stress and it wasn't even my life ! Ick ! Run from the talk and run fast!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

If I were the woman being cheated on, I would want to know and would be angry at my friend if I found out later that he or she knew about it and did not tell me.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I would say run like heck away from this as fast as you can! Do not get in the middle, or say anything to either side. You will be the one to suffer, it is a no win situation.

I made the mistake of listening before, and getting involved and it only hurt all parties. So....act like you know nothing!

Good luck!

 

[gr8tpanther]

There is another option. But it would take some investigation on your part. Try to find out if Cheater and GF have a routine (lunch dates, etc.) and take F#1 for "lunch". She sees DH with GF, you don't have to be the bad guy on any account. Or, I would go with option #3.


ORRRRRRR, listen to Minniepumpernickle!

 

[disney4us2002]

Yikes. Sorry to say but none of those options are good. Of course, you know this. F#1 is really better w/o that SOB but that is her decision. It seems that jerk dh wants someone to let the cat out of the bag for him otherwise, why introduce the woman to your F#2? There is not a chance option 1 would turn out good. F#1 will only get defensive, blame you, probably believe her dh and the business end will still be a mess. I agree with peacefulgirl that option 3 is the best alternative although many men refuse to discuss those situations with their friends.

 

[lulugirl]

If I were the woman being cheated on, I would want to know and would be angry at my friend if I found out later that he or she knew about it and did not tell me.

I agree, I would also want to know.

 

[Poohnatic]

I wouldn't say anything to her, but I WOULD say something to him.

Having been cheated on by my ex husband, I suspected for a while what was going on. Confronted him and he denied it. Based on that experience, I'm not so sure that if you tell her, he'll fess up. That puts you and F#2 in a bad light.

The reason why I would say something to him? He's been rather bold to introduce the girl to F#2. If I'd been F#2, I probably would have said to the girl "You do realize he's married, right?".

Suzanne

 

[Serena]

I would want to know, but not everyone feels the same.

 

[grlpwrd]

Even though you risk your friendship with her I would tell. Not only because I would be her friend even if it meant losing her friendship for good, but because it could be a matter of life and death with all the STDs going around. He may be a player and who is to tell that gal is his only GF.

 

[Skywalker]

It IS a tough one. But I know I could never sit by and allow a friend to get hurt, even if I was the one that might eventually "pay", at least I would know I did the right thing. And if the situation was reversed, I would want to be told. If I ever found out that my friends knew and didn't tell me, I would feel very betrayed by them, as though they helped him put one over on me.

Since my own personal feelings are all I have to go on, I would say sit down with him and tell him you will be having the conversation with her. It might just be interesting to hear what he has to say about it. You might not have all the facts just yet.

 

[Kermit]

As unpopular as it is, I'd have to tell her. I'd want someone to tell me. And with all the STDs out there, you could be saving her life.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I wouldn't say anything to her, but I WOULD say something to him.

Having been cheated on by my ex husband, I suspected for a while what was going on. Confronted him and he denied it. Based on that experience, I'm not so sure that if you tell her, he'll fess up. That puts you and F#2 in a bad light.

The reason why I would say something to him? He's been rather bold to introduce the girl to F#2. If I'd been F#2, I probably would have said to the girl "You do realize he's married, right?".

Suzanne

Not related to this at all, but I love your picture of your antenna toppers!!!

 

[TheGottis]

She was introduced to the girl and everything.

He had the GALL to introduce the GF?? Oh no - he's testing to see what will be done - seeing if he can get away with it. Just curious, how did he introduce everyone? Maybe deep down he wants the wife to know, but doesn't want to do it himself?

It is a very sticky situation and I feel for you all for being dragged in (by HIM and his actions). You have to do what you feel is best for your friend.

Good luck in your decision there is NO EASY way out of this one.

 

[diznygirl]

If I were the woman being cheated on, I would want to know and would be angry at my friend if I found out later that he or she knew about it and did not tell me.

ITA - and not saying anything only helps the cheater.

 

[RadioNate]

The more I think about it the more I realize that the entire situation was a huge setup.

Friend #2 didn't accidently bump in to him on a date. They were at another friend's 40th birthday party.

Cheater called F#2's home to see if they were coming to the party. She told cheater that her DH was out with my DH and another for dinner and that they'd be stopping by the party later.

After telling him she was going out with friends and cheater invited her to stop by the party (which was at a restaurant near the restaurant F#2 was going too). So F#2 stopped by on her way to dinner....and met the girlfriend. F#2 thinks cheater was drunk. It wasn't even 9pm. My DH and F#2's DH never went to the party after F#2 stopped by because they didn't want to face cheater (in addition to calling me, F#2 called her DH and told him).

FWIW, I wasn't with either group because I was home with my 3 year old. Both of the other couples are childless. Had we known about the birthday party before Thursday I would have gotten a sitter and gone too.

 

[Poohlovr]

A dissenting voice here---I would say nothing. It's entirely possble the wife already knows and chhoses to ignore it, hoping things will improve, or feeling that she would rather have any part of him than none. If you tell her, she may feel that she has to do something (even if it's not what she wants to do) to save face. Then, you get blamed because you "forced" her to take action.

Personally, unles she asks, I'd stay out of it. If the day ever comes that she finds out and that you knew and didn't tell her, you simply explain that you didn't feel it was your place to tell her and cause her pain she may not have wanted to deal with.

Believe it or not, I have known women who knew, but chose to do nothing, hoping that it would end and their life could return to normal.

Who knows?? It may even have been part of the deal for him moving back home---you live your life and I'll live mine, but we'll cohabitate for whatever reason--money, kids, whatever.

Nope--I'd stay out of it.


ETA--We posted at the same time. If he's trying to set it up so that someone else will tell his wife--no way! Let him be man enough to tell her himself. Why do his dirty work for him? And get the blame from both of them???
At most, I would tell him not to put me in that position again and that if he wants her to know (if she doesn't already--altho, again,she may well ), don't expect me to be the one to tell.

 

[tinkerbee]

I was in this postition before but I was the one being cheated on. Everyone at my work knew about it because one of my coworkers wife worked with bf. I found out on my own no one told me. He actually had the nerve to introduce me one time as a coworker. It's a long story. I was a little hurt at first that they didn't tell me but I got over it. She will find out for herself in time. I would stay out of it. Just be there for her when she does find out.

 

[RadioNate]

He had the GALL to introduce the GF?? Oh no - he's testing to see what will be done - seeing if he can get away with it. Just curious, how did he introduce everyone? Maybe deep down he wants the wife to know, but doesn't want to do it himself?

He told her "I want you to meet my DISTRACTION" then introduced the girl and said "Well, now I guess you know"

I'm sure I don't know the whole story. F#1 is very private about the entire situation. We actually know more from cheater talking to DH. I have talked to friend #1 about it but she just cries. She knows he's a jerk but like I said even when she brings it up, she just starts crying and says she doesn't know what to do.

He actually confided in ME first. He got drunk at another party this past July and told me how unhappy he was and asked if I would hate him if he divorced F#1. I urged him to try counceling which they are but obviously he's not really trying if he has a girlfriend.

 

[gina2000]

I've been in this situation. I chose to say nothing along with a few other people. Guess what? I still got blamed and there was more than enough hurt and remorse to go around for a lifetime.

I swore I'd never, ever know something like that again and not march over and tell the innocent party. They may end up mad at me, but at least I don't have to deal with my conscience.

The only other thing I may do is tell the innocent party that she needs to talk to her husband because he has something to tell her. Stick his feet to the fire and make him do his own dirty work. He may choose to lie to her face but at least you've given him the option of acting decently and letting her know. If he doesn't do it, he knows you're going to tell her.