If your spouse asked you....

[Miss Inga Depointe]

What kind of job is it? Was it very lucrative? Most jobs if you have done your time on weird shifts for awhile, eventually you can get day shift, right?

He's a chef. Or was a chef, rather.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Well from Chef to Sales - that is a huge change. I can see where it would be very difficult to get that kind of a work with regular 9 to 5 hours. But if he is that unhappy, I would suggest he keep looking for something more in line with his chosen career.

My DH asked me to quit working for awhile for our kids. I was pretty miserable in that job though so it certainly didn't upset me all that much. In fact, it was kind of a relief to get permission to quit....and it was for the definate benefit of the family so I think he had every right to discuss the topic with me.

 

[ericamanda01]

If he is so unhappy in his current job, it can't be good for their relationship. He could end up resenting her because he is so unhappy.

 

[minkydog]

The only time I ever demanded that my DH change jobs was when he worked for a guy at a mortgage company who seemed a bit shady. The boss was always wanting to "bend the rules." Then came a time when some of the employee paychecks didn't clear. I demanded that DH quit before this guy got him implicated in something really bad--my "radar" was going off like crazy.

DH did quit and was unemployed for several months. The U.S.Government caught up with the boss and indicted him on several counts of fraud. Thankfully my DH has high standards of integrity and had never done anything fraudulent. Although he was investigated, he was one of only a few that did not receive charges. We really dodged a bullet on that one.

Now THAT is a good reason to demand a job change.

 

[Maleficent13]

My whole married life I've seen other wives telling their husbands to stop playing golf on Saturday, or that they refuse to move when the husband gets a promotion, and I would never do those things.(I guess never say never. If my husband was addicted to golf or if the move was to China or something, I'd voice my concerns ) I was wondering if I've been some kind of pushover wife!

If you are then I am too. Why on earth would you actively try to prevent someone you love from doing something they love? Never got that.

 

[Jynohn]

Well as a military wife I can certainly relate to your friend's wife feeling like his job is taking away from family time! On the other hand, I knew before I married him that DH was a military man. It's what he loves, and despite of the inconveniences it causes our family, I don't think I could ever ask him to give it up knowing how much he would miss it.

I don't think your friend's wife is necessarily out of line for suggesting he get a job with more stable hours, etc. but if being a chef is truly what he loved and he is now miserable in his current job, I do think she is wrong if she is demanding that he change careers. In my opinion, unless it is illegal, not paying enough money for them to get by, or is causing serious harm to the family other than just being "inconvenient," spouses should encourage one another to choose a career that fulfills them and makes them happy.

 

[totalia]

No, I don't think she should have asked him to quit.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

On the other hand....

Military aside, because you don't really get much of a choice...

A family is much better when both parents are there to raise the kids as a family, instead of one or the other parent being there withoug the other. My ex-SIL is always encouraging her husband to find a good job that pays well and gives him time to be home with the family. The kids are young for such a little while, and if the husband and wife can come to a compromise that is best for their family, it is worth the sacrifice, even if it isn't the ideal job -- then he is the breadwinner, rather than the father-figure.

It would have been nice if the wife could have encouraged your friend, instead of insisting, and if he had been able to find a different job that he actually enjoys instead of one that he just tolerates.

Good luck to them. I hope they can come to a good resolution.

 

[jellymanoffspring]

And he hates it, but he does it because he feels that he must. He said to me, "I miss it so much! I felt like I was good at that job and not very good at this one." Meanwhile, the wife asked me not to ever bring it up again, because "it just stirs things up." He's being a good sport, though, they aren't fighting. He loves her and I believe is just considering it being a good husband.


This is between them and none of my business, but I think she was wrong to ask him to change careers. I will never tell them this, but I wonder, is it right to ask something like this of a spouse?

you can ask for anything.........and there is no harm in that..........

We were not present for their discussion and how they came to the decision that he would change jobs... the tone could have been a very healthy adult discussion of values/needs/ desires
Nothing at all wrong with that.....how else would couples make life changing decisions ...someone needs to bring up a concernn and the couple needs to address it....that is healthy!!!!!


You say: He says" I miss it....i felt like I was good at that and not at this"
That does not say to me that he hates his new job....
he was comfortable and felt "good" at his old job...that does not sound like a passionate "missing" In time he may feel more comfortable and "good" at his new job and be even happier that he has a job he likes and time with his family!'
Be supportive of his decision.......

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

BabyTigger99:
My husband is a warehouse supervisor/manager and he loooves his job.

no i would neeever ask my husband to quit his job if he loved it. He works early in the morning until late at night and he commutes about an hour to work each day, so it's tough on us during the week (with a 7month old dd and being pregnant) but at the same time it makes weekends sweeter!! sometimes he has to work on saturdays though/! aughh!! but becuase he is the boss we go in with him and sit in his office and it's fun! his internet is a lot faster than ours at home! haha!!

 

[kelleigh1]

First, being a chef was a career. It wasn't just a job. (Not saying that sales isn't a career.) She asked him to give up his career and I'm guessing that this was something he'd worked at for a while.

I would never ask my husband to give up his career.

For most of my childhood, my father worked nights. He'd leave for work around 2:30 everyday and got home well after midnight when we were asleep. We did not see him all week. And we did not feel deprived then, nor do we feel deprived now. It's not the quantity of time that one spends with their kids, it's the quality. And unless he was neglecting them, he shouldn't have had to give up his career.

As someone else mentioned, her "demand" could spell disaster because if he's not happy in this new job, it's only going to make things worse between them...not better.

 

[jellymanoffspring]

.

For most of my childhood, my father worked nights. He'd leave for work around 2:30 everyday and got home well after midnight when we were asleep. We did not see him all week. And we did not feel deprived then, nor do we feel deprived now. It's not the quantity of time that one spends with their kids, it's the quality. And unless he was neglecting them, he shouldn't have had to give up his career.

.

but.......... Quantity combined with Quality is even better!!!!!

 

[MELSMICE]

No, I wouldn't ask DH to give up a job that he enjoyed, nor would he ask that of me.

At my dance studio I teach at nights & on Saturdays. Is it ideal as far as family time - nope - not at all, but I love it, it's my livelihood & DH has always known it was important to me.

Although we don't know what went on during their conversation, it seems as though the wife was aware before getting married & having kids what his career was. It wasn't like it was a surprise.

It's too bad your friend is so miserable in his new job. I hope he doesn't come to resent his wife because of this.

 

[powellrj]

I would never ask my DH to give up his career to spend more time at home. He is in sales and usually works 16 hours a day 6 or 7 days a week.

In our 24 hour a day lifestyle, that kind of life is hard to come by anymore. Even so-called banker hours aren't m-f, 9-5 anymore.

 

[bajanswife]

DH is finally switching to a more family friendly job, and I am encouraging it fully! But I never would have asked him to do it. He finally did it because he'd had enough of the stress and travel, and the company was bought over and things were changing.

I will continue to reassure him that he's doing the right thing for all of us (himself included - he needs less stress!). He loves many aspects of the job he is quitting (he doesn't actually leave until the end of November) and I can tell he's sad to quit. He started there in 1991 when it was just him and his boss - they built it into a 30 employee business! But it's just too much for him now, and he realizes that. It's just hard to leave your "baby" behind, and know that his customers won't be able to count on him any more. He really is very good with his customers.

If he gets bored with his new job of course I'd want him to explore other options, and even go back to his old job one day if he could do it under better working conditions.

I do think though that the jobs people had before they were parents don't always work well for the family when they have kids. Kids need both their parents to be around and involved to a decent degree, IMO anyway, unless there are very important reasons for one spouse to be away/occupied (Military, illness etc.). I know not everyone feels that way, but I truly think OUR family is happier and more relaxed when DH is around more and I'm less stressed having to deal with all 3 kids (5 and under). If I had been more stressed, having medical or emotional problems etc., I might well have asked him to change jobs if I felt I couldn't cope in my own every evening and when he was away. Sometimes one parent CANNOT do it all! I don't know what your friend's DW's situation is and why she felt compelled to ask him to quit, but maybe her reasons were important. Just a thought.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

The more I read all of your replies the more something occurs to me. I do not really know how she asked him. I guess I assumed that she made him do it. He said she wanted him to, but maybe she just asked him and he didn't have the nerve (the backbone) to say no.

I guess it just didn't sit right with me when she asked me never to bring up the chef career again. It made me think that she knew exactly how unhappy he was and she didn't care, she just wanted to get her way.

 

[kelleigh1]

but.......... Quantity combined with Quality is even better!!!!!

If he's miserable because he doesn't like the job then the quality is going to take a significant decline. Especially because whether he intends to or not, it will lead to resentment of his wife and child(ren) because he gave up the career he really enjoyed to spend the time with them.

Of course there is always the possibility that he could grow to love this new career too...which would be great. But at the moment, it sounds like he is very unhappy.

 

[disykat]

I disagree with many here, I guess. My dh worked swing shift work and lots of overtime. We agreed that when the kids reached school age he would switch to something where he could work days, or even graves, so that he could see the children. It took an extra year before the right opportunity came up, but he switched.

I gave up my career I loved to stay home with the kids because it worked best for our family. There was no way I could work days, and dh could work afternoons and evenings 7 days a week - and still have a normal family life. We would have been together on Sat and Sun morning only. I sacrificed to keep things normal around his schedule for a lot of years - now dh has made a change to help maintain that normalcy.

When the kids get older, we may change again - but for now, family time is a priority. I don't think my dh is whipped, nor am I. We made our decisions together based on what we thought was right for our family. Outsiders may see it differently, I guess, and think he forced me to stay home or I forced him to take a desk job. I don't think asking equates forcing.

Call me crazy, but I think a Chef's hours could be really tough to work family life around and finding something else for a few years doesn't seem all that unreasonable to me. If he keeps looking, hopefully he can find something where he works mostly breakfast and lunch so he doesnt' miss out on family life.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I gave up my career I loved to stay home with the kids because it worked best for our family. .

You bring up a good point. Women give up careers to stay home with kids all the time.

I guess I'll have to be a little old-fashioned, though, and say while I don't believe in a literal "head of the household", I do see that there is a "financial" head of the household sometimes, and that if the person who is making the money should have most of the say about how they do it.

I guess that's just old lady behind in the times talk, though!

 

[Bob Slydell]

You bring up a good point. Women give up careers to stay home with kids all the time.

I guess I'll have to be a little old-fashioned, though, and say while I don't believe in a literal "head of the household", I do see that there is a "financial" head of the household sometimes, and that if the person who is making the money should have most of the say about how they do it.

I guess that's just old lady behind in the times talk, though!

For the record, I've offered to give up my career to be a SAHD if that was what's best for our family.

I disagree, however, with the "financial" head of household concept. It shouldn't matter who's making whatever money when it comes to family-changing decisions.