If you moved away from your family,how has it been?

[A4Disney]

I have considered moving from the Northeast due to the high cost of living.My parents,grandparents,aunts,uncles,cousins etc are here.To move is considered an atrocity- the worst thing you could even consider doing to your extended family.I can honestly say they would never get over it.My dh and I are in our early 30's with children of our own and I want to put us first.Does that seem selfish?That's what I've been told by my Mother when other people she knows have kids that move out of state,how terrible they are.She also says "I would never have done that to my parents"Did anyone else have family like this and still decide to move?Oh and we are thinking about North Carolina so 10-12 hrs away by car not Timbuktu lol THanks for any input

 

[NMAmy]

I moved across the country when I was in my early 20's. We were lucky in that we had the excuse of my ex being in the military so we had to go where we were sent. After he got out, we decided to stay and we lived there for another 15 years.

I did miss my family a lot and when my father got very ill, I was spending a lot of time flying back and forth across the country. It got to the point where we just moved back here--my poor DH had never been here but very sweetly agreed to the move when he saw how stressed and torn I was.

My dd felt like she missed out on getting to know her extended family when she was little. Have family get togethers is her favorite thing about living here in Michigan. She is very close with my cousin's daughter and my niece and my sister and I'm glad she's able to have those relationships now. She also really bonded with my dad and I'm glad she had that chance--he passed away a couple of years after we moved back.

You have to do what's best for your family--and reading over my post, I realize I've focused on the negative aspects. I did enjoy living across the country--I got to meet a ton of new friends and try a different way of life and, hey, there was no arguing about whose family to spend the holidays with.

Good luck whichever way you decide.

 

[Sandy V.]

My DH and I did this when we graduated from law school. We packed a car full of belongings and drove 600 miles from Nebraska to Colorado. Both families were a bit traumatized, as we were both the first to move "so far away" from home. And DH and I bawled all the way across Nebraska while driving to Colorado that day. But the job market was so much better here, and we had to think of our futures. If that made us "selfish", then so be it.

We're still here almost 21 years later, and all of the family is still back in Nebraska. We're still in Colorado, and we love it here. It's home. Our families have been out to visit usually once a year, and we try and do the same. The visits get more difficult to schedule as both your kids and your parents get older. But we try and talk on the phone often.

I believe that you have to live your life for YOURSELF and what you want, not how others want you to live. In this case, you and your husband need to have some heartfelt discussions about what you really want, and make whatever plans for your immediate family to accomplish this.

Best of luck in your decision!!

 

[horseshowmom]

Not exactly an answer to your question, but sort of -

My parents had always looked forward to moving to FL when they retired (DF retired early). They already had a house there and went back and forth numerous times a year while waiting to retire (every holiday plus vacations). When I was growing up, we spent lots of time in FL (not uncommon to have 3-4 trips a year).

They've been retired for probably 15 years now, and my DM would move back in a heartbeat. I think she's missed being around the family (DB and I are both still here with my DD and his two DDs). DF, on the other hand, wouldn't come back for anything (has to be dragged back for Christmas - HATES cold weather).

P.S. I agree with SandyV 100%!

 

[mickeyboat]

My parents moved away from their families, and we didn't stay in one place very long. So it was no shock to them when I moved 800 miles away from my parents and brothers (no extended family, though). They were all in NC until November, when my dad and his new wife moved to Arizona. We have made many trips to NC, but traveling with small children is not easy or inexpensive, and since Dad is no longer at the same place, we will be seeing them much less often.

We moved to where my DH and his entire family lives. After we moved here, and started a family, his mother died and his three sisters moved away, so the only close family we have left, is his father.

It's kind of sad, really. I wanted my kids to grow up playing with their cousins, havign sleep-overs at Grammy's and getting to know where they came from. It's not working out that way, and my parents are not really getting to know my kids very well - phone calls and short visits don't fill the void.

But, I think it is important to do what is right for your family.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[Sleepy]

To move is considered an atrocity- the worst thing you could even consider doing to your extended family.She also says "I would never have done that to my parents"

My reply...."The worst thing you can do to a family member is expect them to put their life on hold for your own selfish reasons". If my mom told me what your mom did, I would tell her "I would hope my parents would understand the needs of my own family......my spouse and children" There are always options....they can move closer to you rather than expect you to stay where they are.

Yes, I moved away from my family 2 years ago. We don't even live on the same continent anymore so catching a cheap airfare for visits is not even possible for us. We moved to better OURSELVES....and we have. If anyone has a problem with that, they can get counseling.

 

[binny]

We moved 8 years ago, its been really hard in some ways. I really miss my mom but we visit often, we're 8 hours away from my family and 16 from his.

When the roads are bad though we cant really make it home so that is hard.


In other ways, it has forced DH and I to really depend on each other. Weve grown up A LOT and have been a lot happier than we would have been I think.


We're from different countries though so no matter where we move one of us will always be away from their families, this way we're BOTH away and we had to make it work.

Now we love it and dont want to move back to either place.

 

[Dax]

Dh and I did it in '99. We were both young. We don't have children. It has been tough, I will admit but at the same time, it has been much better than living with the high costs of the NE. I moved from NJ to FL. Honestly looking back, best thing I have ever done. Holiday's and special occasions are missed a lot, but DH and I make the most of it and made our own new traditions here in FL. Eventually his cousins moved here, and we have begun seeing them also more often so they have become our "adopted" family.

It's your decision. You have to decide whether its worth it in the long run.

 

[Sandy V.]

In other ways, it has forced DH and I to really depend on each other. Weve grown up A LOT and have been a lot happier than we would have been I think.

This is very true. I think our marriage is a lot stronger than it would have been had we remained with the rest of the family. I love them all, but I think they would know a little bit more about my daily life then I would care to have them know!

The biggest downside to being here by ourselves with no relatives was when the kids were small and they would get sick. The chicken pox was the absolute worst! And, to top it off, my DH was in trial all week long during my son's episode, and he left for a week long business trip to North Carolina the day my daughter broke out with them. I missed 9 days of work during that time; even had to hire Kelly Assisted Living Services to watch my daughter for an afternoon while I went into the office for a meeting. Fortunately, I had a VERY understanding boss and a laptop! My husband STILL owes me for this!!

 

[harleyquinn]

Great question!

I'm considering this as well, for the same reasons as you!

I'm hoping that my family will follow me, there's a very good chance they will. But I'm worried about DH's family. His mom told us at Christmas that she had a nightmare where we moved to FL(which I don't want to do) and she woke up crying. The kicker is that since she told us, we have really starting considering leaving Ohio. She made us think. I LOVE being around family, but I want DH to have the teaching career he so desperatly wants.

Good luck!

 

[UrsulasMyHero]

In 2002, I moved away from Florida to "find My self" after my Father's Death. This was also a seperation from my marriage. I moved to California, and loved it. I missed my family something terrible, but kept in touch by phone and e-mail. I moved home a year later. I'm still in Florida, now divorced, and see my mom each week. Come to think of it, she's due over any time. We're going to see Billy Joel tonight. Family is Very important to me.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

Think ahead many years. How would you feel if your children decide to move away from you. Not to stop you from moving, but pause to consider what your parents are feeling. Then, do what you want to do. I lived 5 years away in Toronto Ontario and it was an awesome experience. But, I'm really glad we came home (father-in-law was dying).

 

[mickeyfan2]

A dream. When we got married we took a US map and drew two circles of 200 mile diameters from our parents. These places were off limits to live in.

 

[malibuconlee]

Here's my 2 cents worth. I have lived away from family (we don't have kids). We moved back a little over a year ago and live about 45 minutes away from the family. We are now getting ready to move away from family again next week. (The moving around has been work related)

How often do you actually see your family? I find most people don't do Sunday dinner at Grandma's anymore. Everyone is so busy with their own lives that we just don't see family as much as I thought we would. Heck, some people I actually saw MORE often when we lived away because we made a point of getting together when we did come to visit.

You have to do what's best for YOUR family. Meaning you, your DH, your kids. People that live in your household.

If you do it, don't let anyone let you feel guilty about it. I used to, but now that we've been closer and know how it actually is, I can move again without that guilt. We'll come back when we can, but we have to have our own lives too.

Friends are important, and you can make friends almost anywhere you move. It just takes effort. Sometimes I think that would be easier if we did have kids, but sports and things that DH plays gets results in that department. And church, which we started attending again last spring after a long absence.

Good luck, I know it's a hard decision, we were lucky in that family never made those kinds of comments to us. It was always along the lines of "Come see an old man sometime" or " Hurry Back" or "Don't know when we'll see you again"

Oh, and I just had another thought. If you do move away let family know that they HAVE to tell you things and not to keep them from you just because you live far away.

We had that problem with a couple of relatives. DH's grandfather was put in the hospital, and no one bothered to call and tell us until it was too late. It was a 12 hour drive and they called us mid-afternoon. We decided to get a good night's sleep before we left. He passed away before we even left town the next morning, and before we would have gotten there even if we had left within the hour of the phone call. My aunt was sick for about 3 weeks and I didn't hear about it until she passed away. It is hard being away when stuff like that happens, but it's just a frank discussion about not keeping these things from you just because you live far away.

 

[missypie]

Wonderful.
Marvelous.
Best thing in the world.

 

[ChristmasElf]

My reply...."The worst thing you can do to a family member is expect them to put their life on hold for your own selfish reasons". If my mom told me what your mom did, I would tell her "I would hope my parents would understand the needs of my own family......my spouse and children" There are always options....they can move closer to you rather than expect you to stay where they are.

Yes, I moved away from my family 2 years ago. We don't even live on the same continent anymore so catching a cheap airfare for visits is not even possible for us. We moved to better OURSELVES....and we have. If anyone has a problem with that, they can get counseling.

Not to take this subject off course, but Sleepy, How do you like living in Italy? DH has been, but I never have and was wondering what is it like to live there? I was watching an episode of Househunters on HGTV and they had a couple where he was from Italy and she was from the US. Very interesting the way the real estate market is done there and the styles of the houses.
The views from a few of them were incredible!

 

[suzannen]

I moved away from my parents in North Carolina to NY years ago, and honestly, it's been heaven and the only thing that has kept my sanity. It's a 1 hour flight - we still see each other a lot and actually appreciate the time together even more without any of the day to day interference.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

We had the opportunity this past september, and my family went insane, my father specifically he stopped talking to us and it cut me like a knife (him and i are VERY close) we eneded up turning down DH job opportunity (which was a lot more $$) and now not a day goes by that we don't regret it. We are waiting for the opportunity to come up again,but so far we are stuck...you have to do what is in your heart otherwise when you live for someone else, you are stuck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I want to put us first.Does that seem selfish?

Nope...
Moved in April...how do I feel???


We went back for Christmas and my mom said twice..."see what you are missing!" My sister said it once.

Now I showed great restraint and said nothing back.

Now my oldest dd is almost 15. I hosted parties, put my time out, helped my parents constantly, etc..
The only thing they wanted from me was to be able to help them and drop in when they felt like it.
They didn't come to my kids stuff or participate in our lives really. There were always busy.
They just "wanted" us there....

Now I love my family but I needed a break.....they wore me out.

 

[va32h]

We moved from Arizona to Virginia, when I was 26 and my dd was just one. My sister was furious and heartbroken that we were taking her niece away. My mom was sad but understanding.

I do wish my kids could spend more time with their cousins, and I do miss my siblings. It frustrates me that while they claim to miss me too, and are always encouraging me to visit, only my mom and one sister EVER comes to see me... and quite frankly, I have the least money and the most kids, so it would be much easier for them to come to me.

But I loved living in Virginia - just loved it! And I was really glad for the chance to see another part of the country. We are in Dallas now (husband is military) and I have found plenty of things to love about this place too. In fact, I can't imagine going back to live in my hometown.

I also agree that moving away made a huge difference (for the better) in our marriage.