If you have a strained relationship with your parents

[Tiggeroo]

how much help do you give them as they get older? My father was a compulsive gambler. He blew everything and pretty much wrecked my siblings and my life. My mother tried to deal with it but generally she ended up not knowing what to do and lying for him. It was a mess. It has caused a good deal of animosity and resentment at times. We all left home at a very young age. Nobody was concerned with whether we finished high school or even had school clothes. In fact any money we saved was taken for bills.
Now my father is working much past his first retirement and having health problems. I drove them to the hospital last night and spent the night. He's ok. But he will completely stop work soon with no savings and a home in bad repair. All of my siblings have moved far away and I'm the only one close by if there is an emergency or if they need regular help on a daily basis. They have a huge yard that while my father is hurt will need cutting. My dh and sons are going to have to go over there this weekend to do it even though they had little time for my children's events while they were younger. I am actually considering taking a job in another state so that I won't feel obligated to take care of this situation. I would rather help financially. The main deterrent to this is my children are in college and settled in this area and the move would mean I wouldn't get to spend time with them.
Any thoughts?

 

[HM]

Such a sad situation.
Does he still gamble?
When he retires, they need to sell their house and move into a rental apartment. No labor for anyone. Then if they run out of money, they can go to subsidized housing for the elderly.
I don't envy you your situation at all. I'll be sending good wishes your way.

 

[minkydog]

The quick and dirty answer is, you don't owe him anything. That's it. But you know that, right?

However, I do understand your conflict. My father was a cruel and nasty person who took every opportunity to belittle and humiliate us. I left home at 18 and was estranged from him for 30+ years. I didn't have anything to say to him until the very end of his life, when he was dying from lung cancer. I cared for him the last 3 weeks, mainly because I'm a nurse and he had NO ONE--he had alienated all 5 of his children. Three of my sibs never even came to the hospital to say goodbye and I don't blame them a bit.

I think you have to decide what you can live with. For me, I could live with the end of life care; up until that point, however, I was not willing to help him at all. Rather than uproot your family, perhaps a better idea would be to set boundaries about what you and your family are willing to provide. I assume your father is receiving SS, so he has at least some income. If you really can't turn him down, then you're going to have to ask your sibs for some financial help so you can pay for having things done, like the mowing. You are under no obligation to physically provide for him. If he is a senior, you might want to set up Meals On Wheels and Senior Transportation Services, if you have that in your area.

You know, the Good Book says "A man shall reap what he sows." In this case, your father sowed chaos, grief and hardship. It seems that his crop is coming in.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I wouldn't know if he still gambles because I wouldn't be told even if I asked but I don't think so. If it wasn't for the gambling he was always careful with his money and responsibilities. They are unwilling to sell. They have been reluctant to let people help them do work on the house. The house has very steep stairs and no downstairs bathroom or bedroom. They are healthy and active and in their mid 60's now. I just realized last night that this could all change in an hour.

 

[Tiggeroo]

They are not destitute. He has a pension and doesn't collect SSI yet as he is postpoing it for one more year to maximize benefits. Their house is probably paid for now. But they live in an isolated rural area. Their car is over 20 years old and neither of them can drive when it's dark. There is no public transportation there so if they hit the point where they can't drive then what. They never ask for anything and would turn down help if able. But there could be a point where it gets bad. I know that if I am nearby I won't be able to ignore them not going to the drs or needing care in some way if I am close by. If my siblings guilt me I would definitely cave. They do all expect that I'll deal with this because I'm closest and the oldest. I would want to help them but not be personally involved. I have no close feelings with them now and the idea of doing some kind of butt wiping duty to somebody I feel that way about is apalling. DH feels even more strongly about it as he has seen how I have gotten upset over situations over the years. I can't imagine him helping to maintain an acre of their ground.

 

[Carly_Roach]

You have to realize that whatever you do, you're doing for you - not for him or them. You're doing it to make yourself feel better or to set an example for your own children regardless of whether it's ignoring the situation or helping your elderly parents out whenever and wherever you can.

The past cannot be changed. The only reason it still seems present is because you will not allow it to leave your experience and choose to keep it fresh in your memory.

I agree with the other poster who said they should probably move to an apartment where maintenance is taken care of. However, I know how hard it can be to get people out of their own houses and the privacy of those homes. Especially if they've lived there for years.

So the only advice I can offer you is what I said in my first paragraph: once you realize that everything you do, you do for your own well-being, I think the decision of what to do will be easier for you.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[mamacatnv]

Tiggeroo - I totally understand your conflict. While my parents do not live close by I have found myself in a similar situation. I too was pretty much on my own from a very young age and my parents never helped me with anything. I can honestly say that Dad due to his own actions is pretty much on his own, he may get old and decrepit but it is not my problem, I tried to have some sort of relationship and got pushed away. One can only be told to go away so many times.

I divorced myself of my mother long ago (late teens) and rarely had anything to do with her. She was mean and abusive, we now know she suffered from Schizophrenia but that does not erase the damage done to our relationship. It does give her a bit of a pass now that she has dementia and has lost her mind.

Mother finally became incapacitated and I got guilted (by my brother) into becomming her legal guardian. Mother has no source of funds other than SS and now lives in a dementia care facility. I strictly manage her care, there is no emotion involved for me it is about her being safe, not happy, just safe. I know that sounds cold but it is what it is. If she is safe I can sleep. I do fly to Oregon quarterly to check in on her and then I send my Brother the bill for airfare etc. Heck my time, his dime is how I look at it. When she needs things I take it out of her very limited funds, if she doesn't have the funds then I make Bro pay or she waits. Fortunatley her facility pays for just about everything. As it is I use my personal time to travel, that is all I am willing to spend.

The years in between Mother living on her own and being placed in a facility were a nightmare. She is a hoarder and I would get calls from the landlord etc. Nothing I can/could do. My Bro and I tried a couple of times to intervene and legally there was nothing we could do and due to her mental illness there was nothing she would let us do. We finally stepped back and just let things happen. She was eventually evicted for her hoarding and placed into a homeless shelter by adult protective services. She was at the shelter for less than 24 hours and was kicked out due to her behavior, then off to another shelter and finally admitted into a psych ward at a hospital - that is where I stepped in. She has been in 2 facilities in the past 3 years and seems to be stable at the moment. I don't call her, I don't send cards or letters, I simply pay her bill and monitor her care. She has 4 siblings that live within an hour of her facility and only 1 has ever visited her.

My shrink says I am emotionally detached and in this instance it is a good thing. You reap what you sow in life and just because they gave birth to you does not mean you are obligated to care for them, especially if they don't want your help.

Let the weeds grow, let the house fall in around them, you didn't do it and it would be really tough for you to fix it.

 

[clutter]

I wouldn't know if he still gambles because I wouldn't be told even if I asked but I don't think so. If it wasn't for the gambling he was always careful with his money and responsibilities. They are unwilling to sell. They have been reluctant to let people help them do work on the house. The house has very steep stairs and no downstairs bathroom or bedroom. They are healthy and active and in their mid 60's now. I just realized last night that this could all change in an hour.

Let them know that you are willing to help, but set the limits. You'll help them move. You'll help them by helping get the house ready to move. But you won't help maintain a house that they cannot maintain. It's hard, but it's worth it. My parents moved to a low-maintenance house 12 years ago. It was great for them! My dad is now on his own, and is more willing to consider moving because the last move (which he opposed) ended up working so well.

Good luck, that's a tough one. I agree with everyone else, you need to decide what you can live with. And not from feeling guilty. Let your sibs know what you decide, and let them know that they will not bully you to do more than that.

 

[kellyg403]

Many to you Tigeroo...I could have written your post a few years ago. I can only tell you this, my parents were in fine health in within a year my mom had breast cancer and eventually total kidney failure and my father has ongoing issues with his diabetes. To the point he won't take his medication and I am starting to believe a certain amount of dementia. I am not the closest..I had/have two brothers closer but I am the oldest and somehow ended up being the person I never thought I would am.

It boiled down to what I could live with now that I am older and wiser. I have certain amount of respect for them because they are my parents. Looking back I didn't have the best, life was rough but I had a roof over my head and food on the table. So, I look in the mirror everyday and know that I am doing the right thing if not the thing I wanted to do or the easiest. But, two things have happened that I never expected, I have been completely honest with my parents and don't baby them..they understand there will not be a repeat of the past and if I am not mistaken, I think we are moving into a different type of relationship minus a lot of bad feelings. Totally unexpected, not sure how I feel about it but o.k.

So, that would be my answer...whatever you can live with is what you should do in this situation! If providing financially is what you would prefer to do and can live with...start focusing on moving your parents in that direction.

Kelly