If You Had No Ties To A Place

[blondewithbrains]

other than a job and the person you loved and were dating was going to be transferred for work, would you move or would you stay where you were and hope to find someone just as special as him even if you were pretty sure that he was one of a kind? I don't know how many of you read my post over on the thread about the perfect man but I was seeing someone last year for about three months but it broke off because he didn't want a relationship. We've started talking daily and spending time together and it turns out that the reason that he didn't want a relationship is that he's going to be transferred from Florida to North Carolina with his job but last year, although he knew the company was moving they didn't want him letting anyone else know because it's one of the biggest employers in our area. He hasn't asked me to go with him but I honestly think it's because he feels like it would be asking too much of me not because he doesn't want me to go. Although we only dated for three months last year, we've been friends for two years. I honestly think he's the right person for me and he makes me very happy. So, I was wondering if anyone else would consider going and if so how would you bring the subject up with him?

 

[sajetto]

I'm being honest with you b/c you asked and I hope I don't get flamed for this, but you've only dated 3 months and if he wanted you to go, he'd tell you. If he were madly in love he would definitely broach the subject of you coming with him. I think you need to stay where you are so that you don't set yourself up for heartbreak.

 

[inaminute]

I'd only broach the subject if there were some kind of serious committment. Not necessarily an engagement, but discussion and plans for the future. I wouldn't uproot my life simply because I thought there might be something with someone. Especially under the circumstances you describe.

Take things very slowly. If it's meant to be it will happen.

 

[Cantw8]

other than a job and the person you loved and were dating was going to be transferred for work, would you move or would you stay where you were and hope to find someone just as special as him even if you were pretty sure that he was one of a kind? I don't know how many of you read my post over on the thread about the perfect man but I was seeing someone last year for about three months but it broke off because he didn't want a relationship. We've started talking daily and spending time together and it turns out that the reason that he didn't want a relationship is that he's going to be transferred from Florida to North Carolina with his job but last year, although he knew the company was moving they didn't want him letting anyone else know because it's one of the biggest employers in our area. He hasn't asked me to go with him but I honestly think it's because he feels like it would be asking too much of me not because he doesn't want me to go. Although we only dated for three months last year, we've been friends for two years. I honestly think he's the right person for me and he makes me very happy. So, I was wondering if anyone else would consider going and if so how would you bring the subject up with him?

If I had no ties...then, yeah...I sure would Nothing worse in life than regrets. If he asks you, I would go for it

 

[Poohnatic]

If you moved, what would you do for employment? Can you afford the move? What would you do if the relationship didn't work out?

I moved with ex husband to Maryland from NY. We had been living together, though, so the situation is different.

The first two months, I knew nobody, had a hard time finding a well paying job and had 300 dollar long distance bills. The stress of it all, even though I wanted to go, caused me to gain a lot of weight in a short time. I worked for the same employer in NY, but had been laid off. It took that two months to get rehired in.

That said, moving is not cheap. I've done it numerous times in the past 20 years. Not only do you have to factor the cost of a moving van or movers, but getting security deposits together for your utilities and place to live (if you're not purchasing a home)

It's not an easy decision to make. If he wasn't there, would you still go should be the question that's tops in your mind. Is it an area that you'd love, even if a 'possible boyfriend' wasn't in the equation?

Suzanne

 

[NMAmy]

Well, to answer the original question, yes, I would and I have moved for someone I loved. And DH moved to Michigan for me.

However, the fact that he never mentioned this to you before would make me a little leery. Yes, he wasn't supposed to mention it but he could have told you without compromising his position with the company. I'm sure that others who worked there and knew about the move discussed it with their spouses/SO's.

Perhaps suggest a visit to the new place and see how it goes between the two of you?

 

[blondewithbrains]

Sajetto, I'm not flaming but I'm pretty sure there are pretty serious feelings there. We broke things off last August because of the fact that I was tired of him not making a commitment and he mentioned to me back then that he was considering moving to North Carolina. In December, he tried to approach me when we were both out at the same place but I kind of gave him the cold shoulder. Last month, when I decided to look for a new job I saw that there was a listing at the company he works for. I was going to apply and he was going to do all he could to help me get the job. I told him when I was going to drop off my application and asked if I needed to call him first. He said "No, but here's my number." I waited a couple of weeks after that to finally call him and I ended up getting a job running payroll at another company. I've never really had a hard time finding a job of some sort so that's not a big worry. As far as money, I've got a lot of savings set aside and can get more by the end of this summer. I'd be willing to look for a roommate in the city he's moving to and I'm ready to leave Florida anyway.
NMAmy, I have thought about visiting for a week first or something just to see how that goes.

 

[sajetto]

Its your decision. Go with your gut and good luck

 

[pozey]

I'm being honest with you b/c you asked and I hope I don't get flamed for this, but you've only dated 3 months and if he wanted you to go, he'd tell you. If he were madly in love he would definitely broach the subject of you coming with him. I think you need to stay where you are so that you don't set yourself up for heartbreak.

I concur with sajetto.

If he REALLY wanted you to go.......he would ask you.

See how it goes....If he moves there and you continue your relationship with him, then maybe he says something about joining him.

 

[blondewithbrains]

You know what? The more I think about it the more I realize that maybe not moving there but visiting there once in a while would be the best idea and then if things got really serious, I could move there. I guess moving to be with him was just a gut reaction based on the fact that the thought of him not living near me hurts.

 

[azgal81]

I agree I think if he wanted you to move with him he would have asked you. Maybe you and him need to have a talk. Ask him where he honestly sees this going and then if he thinks it's serious you can talk about the move if not then you can let him go before he moves and not worry about the long distance thing.

I would move in a heartbeat if I thought he was the one but if he didn't want me to or feel the same I wouldnt' because then when we broke up I would be stuck out there. That happened to some people I know. She moved for school he moved with her and she broke up with him a few months later apparently it was a long time coming. She never asked him to move he just did.

 

[blondewithbrains]

There is actually one reason I know he wouldn't ask no matter what, but the reason is somewhat personal (there aren't kids involved and neither of us is married.) I do think it might be better to start out as my going to visit him sometimes rather than moving up there, though the more I think about it. That way, if it's meant to be it will be and if it's not, it won't.

 

[salmoneous]

Following somebody to another town without a commitment seems like it would put a relationship on very weird terms. I wouldn't do it.

Is this the guy? Then propose.

 

[pozey]

I do think it might be better to start out as my going to visit him sometimes rather than moving up there, though the more I think about it. That way, if it's meant to be it will be and if it's not, it won't.

I think that is very rational thinking.

If you two are meant to be together, it will happen.

Best of luck to you.

 

[blondewithbrains]

I do think sometimes It's just that my first instinct is to follow my heart rather than my head.

 

[CarolA]

Long distance can and does work. My long term love and I have been dating long distance for years... We met when he lived in Memphis and I lived in Nashville, not too bad, but... then he moved to Chicago for a "6 month rotation" that turned into two years.... then he moved to Atlanta. Over 15 years and we have never really lived in the same city.

I did move to Atlanta a year ago. We don't live together... (STOP LAUGHING! I know some of you are cracking up now) we are about 3 miles apart.

It works for us. I am not sure it would work for everyone. Neither of us wanted kids so there was never any "marriage" pressure and we are now both in our 40's and like our space! LOL!

 

[inaminute]

I do think it might be better to start out as my going to visit him sometimes rather than moving up there, though the more I think about it. That way, if it's meant to be it will be and if it's not, it won't.

This is definitely the way to go in this instance. And, don't forget--he can visit you sometimes, too! Gives you both time to decide if you're really meant for each other.

 

[blondewithbrains]

He's going to be leaving family behind down here so he'll definitely be coming down sometimes.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

OK, you asked, so I'm guessing you are ready to hear it...

Guy-speak: "I don't want to make a committment."

What it means: "I do not love you, and I know that I never will. I would hate like heck to hurt your feelings, because you are a nice person and because I know you like (or love) me and you might cry. I don't want to deal with that, it would make me uncomfortable. So, I'm making up this nice little lie that us guys use. Please understand what I am saying so that I don't actually have to say it."

If a guy loves you, he will never, ever say anything that makes you go away. And he won't just tell he's moving away. If he loves you, he tells you he's been made an offer and asks what you think, whether you think he should take it, and if you'd go with, and blah, blah, blah.
Forget this guy and wait for the one who will love you with all his heart, just for who you are, and never let you go. You deserve that kind of love, and he WILL come along!

 

[kelleigh1]

You know what? The more I think about it the more I realize that maybe not moving there but visiting there once in a while would be the best idea and then if things got really serious, I could move there. I guess moving to be with him was just a gut reaction based on the fact that the thought of him not living near me hurts.

I think you've got the right idea here. You can still get to know someone from a distance, mainly because the only thing you can do from so far apart is communicate and communication is the key to any relationship.

On another note...your comment about never having a hard time finding a job made me chuckle. Sounds like me. I never had a hard time and was hired for jobs I wasn't even qualified for but I worked hard and always did very well. Then two years ago, I decided that I just couldn't stay where I was and started looking for something else. I eventually told my boss that I was looking for a new job. She didn't try to convince me to stay (which shocked a lot of people) and we'd come to some agreements on the terms of my departure and when it would take place. Two weeks later, she gave me a different deadline and had already offered my job to someone else. I had interviewed so many places and there was no doubt that I was qualified for every position for which I'd applied, but nothing came up. I'd never been out of work since the time I was 16. This was scare. Finally, in February of last year, a friend referred me to the law firm that I'm at now. I have no legal experience whatsoever, but they were willing to take a chance on me and I was hired. My ideas of "no problem getting a job" went right out the window and I don't think like that anymore. You just never know. Hopefully you will never have a problem finding a job, but try not to hang onto that belief.