If you do not RSVP, then I am not going to feel guilty

[mjkacmom]

I am sorry if some of you are offended and think that I am rude....

And, I clearly stated that I would NEVER show up unless I had spoken to a parent and knew we were expected...

But I continue to think that, especially these days, it is expecting a bit much to think that every parent is going to take the time and effort to make sure and contact you and tell you that they are NOT coming...

I think that all of these plans and expectations are a bit much for little kids birthday parties these days. Really, I do...

I am of the OTHER old school, where you invite who you/your child wants, and make sure that you are prepared to make anybody (other than those who were completely NOT invited) feel welcome!!!

It is a 6 year olds party... not a business function, or a large wedding, etc...
It is a little kids birthday party!

I think it is completely ridiculous that a kids birthday party has come down to cut-off-dates, and semantics with legal-speak words like 'obligation'.
Just ridiculous....

Jeez, No wonder everybody keeps their panties in a wad!!!

I have 5 children, so we get a lot of party invitations. It takes me 20 seconds to turn down an invite. Most parents wait until they have a final head-count before buying favors, for example. My time is precious to me, and it's a PITA for me to have to wait until the last minute to get party supplies, because someone couldn't spend seconds to contact me. I don't care what day and age it is - it is rude to not RSVP, same as it was 40 years ago.

 

[suzannen]

I am sorry if some of you are offended and think that I am rude....

And, I clearly stated that I would NEVER show up unless I had spoken to a parent and knew we were expected...

But I continue to think that, especially these days, it is expecting a bit much to think that every parent is going to take the time and effort to make sure and contact you and tell you that they are NOT coming...
I think that all of these plans and expectations are a bit much for little kids birthday parties these days. Really, I do...

I am of the OTHER old school, where you invite who you/your child wants, and make sure that you are prepared to make anybody (other than those who were completely NOT invited) feel welcome!!!

It is a 6 year olds party... not a business function, or a large wedding, etc...
It is a little kids birthday party!

I think it is completely ridiculous that a kids birthday party has come down to cut-off-dates, and semantics with legal-speak words like 'obligation'.
Just ridiculous....

Jeez, No wonder everybody keeps their panties in a wad!!!

I'm would not use the word "offended", but I do think that you deciding that you are too busy to call to RSVP, is incredibly rude. Most of us are also busy people, but common courtesy here, especially when someone else is having to put out money, give number counts for food, buy party items, only takes a moment. It takes a lot less time to call and leave a message "I"m sorry Johnny will not be able to attend the party" than it does to post on these message boards. I put it right up there with people who always show up 30 to 40 minutes late because no one else's time is important except their own.

 

[kaytieeldr]

And that is what it is...flippant. I apologize, I do not have any translations for that word in any other language.

Well, it's not accurate (i.e. not from the dictionary) but... breezy, devil-may-care (because I really don't), world revolves around me, I live my life to spur-of-the-moment to be bothered...

 

[kaytieeldr]

But I continue to think that, especially these days, it is expecting a bit much to think that every parent is going to take the time and effort to make sure and contact you and tell you that they are NOT coming...

But... but... but... that's what RSVP is: répondez s'il vous plaît. Basically, PLEASE RESPOND [to tell us you're coming - or not]. That's it. No explanation expected or required. In fact, the hostess who asks why you can't make it is being rude herself.

I am of the OTHER old school

If you refuse to follow the basic, long-existing rulse of etiquette, you are not of any old school anything. You are simply refusing to follow common courtesy because it inconveniences you.

 

[luvsJack]

I think I can see Wishing's point.

We (or most of us anyway) take our kid's birthday parties way too seriously. When it gets to a point that you have to have an exact head count and cannot accomondate one child whose parent forgot to call; then we are getting way, way too into the planning of these parties. And we have to remember that the invitee's parents are just not going to place our child's party at the same level of priority as we do.

Yes, not RSVPing is rude and goes against all of Miss Manners' teachings. But, most of parents do not have the time nor the energy to put a whole lot into their child's social calendar to make sure that all the obligations are met. I realize that everyone is busy but some put some things at a higher rate of importance than others. And a busy mom that doesn't get home till 7 at night and then has to fix supper, feed the baby, wash some clothes, get everyone to bed and then work another hour from home; just isn't going to place calling someone about a kid's party at the top of her list.


Personally, I would not have a party anywhere that I had to be very precise about the head count. When we have one its somewhere that I can easily add a kid or two if necessary without too much hassle. I just fail to see the need to stress over it.

In the OP's case, she was concerned about the mix up in times . In that case, I probably would have taken MY time to call each parent and make sure they had the correct time and info. I just try not to stress out over what someone else SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do. And if I know ahead that something is going to stress me (like worrying that someone would show up an hour early), I do what I need to prevent that stress.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think I can see Wishing's point.

We (or most of us anyway) take our kid's birthday parties way too seriously. When it gets to a point that you have to have an exact head count and cannot accomondate one child whose parent forgot to call; then we are getting way, way too into the planning of these parties. And we have to remember that the invitee's parents are just not going to place our child's party at the same level of priority as we do.

ETA: I'm getting all of my RSVP threads confused--in any case, they are all bleeding together and this OP had nothing to do with headcount requirements and thus my response stands.

Since this thread and the topic stems from a problem in which a person needed a precise headcount and had a maximum limit...period that was set by the venue for what she chose to plan, it doesn't matter if it was for a 1 year old or 100 year old.

This is not a party in someone's home where there may be flexibility. It is at a venue with a strict limit per lane. Now--sure, she could have added a lane...but that's an extra $80. That is a big deal and not taking a party too seriously. IF she wanted to plan for 3 lanes, she would have. But she planned for TWO.

I agree, if this is cake and punch in my home--it is taking it too seriously.

But when one opts to host an event at a venue and the venue sets a limit--they don't care how old the child is.

We have a zoo here. They have these treehouse classrooms to host a party. They have a STRICT occupancy limit for each classroom. So if I were to book--I could only have set number in a room. If someone fails to RSVP and I opt to invite someone in their place--my perogative. I can't just squeeze in Miss Forgetful's snowflake.

Her point is invalid totally b/c it disregards the nature of the original post AND it totally casts off a children's party as not requiring the same etiquette as any other party.

Granted, it is not a black tie affair--but nowhere in Emily Post is it dictated that RSVPing is optional for any event if the guest is under the age of 12. Not a single place.

When someone can post the precise etiquette that states that one can be flippant and not RSVP to a children's party....and not be rude. I'm all ears.

But until then, there is no "new school" "old school" that explains the rudeness or the obligation of the hostess to spend much more money than anticipated due to a guests lack of courtesy.

Blaming the lack of parental time and parental energy to do something so basically simple--does not make it okay or justifiable nor does it make Wishing a better hostess for allowing such rude behavior.

It also doesn't make one a poor host/hostess if they do choose a venue with headcount restrictions.

It doesn't make your or Wishing better people nor does it excuse Wishing's refusal to RSVP for a "no" b/c she is too busy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, it's not accurate (i.e. not from the dictionary) but... breezy, devil-may-care (because I really don't), world revolves around me, I live my life to spur-of-the-moment to be bothered...

Me, breezy, devil may care, expecting to just show up on a whim...
Ummmmm, NOT....

WOW, how can you guys get it so wrong.

Look, I have planned birthday parties...
I have planned larger events ( ex. a huge gathering with more than 20 families and well over 100 people...)

You guys may mis-translate and get me all wrong...
But, I stand by my comments...
In no case did I ever expect people who had no interest in coming to have some unbreakable obligation to contact me.

I am not vain enough to assume that I have that much importance in their lives.

Did those whom I am friendly with say, hey, we can't make it..
Yes, some did...
That is great.

But, some unbreakable, almost 'legal' obligation...
I don't think so.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have dd's parties to make dd happy not to dictate the etiquette rules to other parents.

:


So true, but to most people these days, it's just 'All about ME'.

 

[balletmom97]

What about invitees who show up with siblings, cousins, neighbors, etc.. who then expect to be part of the party?

If siblings are close in age, then the invite is addressed to all. If they are not on the invitation, they are not invited.

I have seriously had people show up with the invited kid, their other kids and neighborhood kids who happened to be playing at their house when it was time to leave for the party.

It is especially frustrating when it is a venue party charged by the participant.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Where exactly did I say that thinking birthday parties shoud be a bit more laid back makes me or anyone else a better person?? I have never said I thought that what I do or how I choose to live makes me better than anyone here or anywhere else.

If you will climb down off your Miss Emily Post high horse for just a second, you may can see that I simply meant that we (that is WE as in me too) place a lot of importance on our kid's party and we should understand that other parents just do not think that a little cardboard invite with balloons all over it is the utmost of importance in thier world.

I never said that needing a head count made anyone a bad hostess. I just said it was a stressor that I don't want to have and that maybe if the head count is so important that we are stressing out about it, we are getting to far into the planning of a party.

You are quite welcome to do things because however you choose, but I have dd's parties to make dd happy not to dictate the etiquette rules to other parents. I said I (that is as in me--NOT what I think others should do) do not have parties in places that are very strict about the head count.

The best way to get around other parents being rude? Stop asking for RSVP. Problems solved. But, if it makes you happier to stress yourself out about whether little Johnnie's mom has read Emily Post lately--go for it.

Children's birthday parties just are not high on my list of debatable issues, so I will bow out of this thread now.

BTW: Placing so much importance into what Emily Post says doesn't make you a better person either.

I'm far from an etiquette expert, but when certain folks begin proclaiming etiquette, then justify their rudeness b/c they are too busy (not you!), then proclaim that it is proper etiquette to just be accomodating....

Asking for a citation isn't too much to ask. There is a supposed Miss Manners expert in my life who consistently lives OUTSIDE of the rules of etiquette while quoting them. Unfortunately, I cannot call her to task. But on a thread solicting opinions on what is and is not appropriate, I can. Ain't the Disboards grand!

I too do parties to make my kids happy--and sometimes it involves a venue with restrictions.

 

[Carly_Roach]

And here we go again. 5...4...3...2...1...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

What about invitees who show up with siblings, cousins, neighbors, etc.. who then expect to be part of the party?

If siblings are close in age, then the invite is addressed to all. If they are not on the invitation, they are not invited.

I have seriously had people show up with the invited kid, their other kids and neighborhood kids who happened to be playing at their house when it was time to leave for the party.

It is especially frustrating when it is a venue party charged by the participant.

It's a kids party, what's one more kid?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

:


So true, but to most people these days, it's just 'All about ME'.

Ironically--that is what we noticed in your own post when you were just too busy to decline an invite.

It's a vicious circle, is it not.

All resolved if people would just....RSVP.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am not vain enough to assume that I have that much importance in their lives.

Did those whom I am friendly with say, hey, we can't make it..
Yes, some did...
That is great.

But, some unbreakable, almost 'legal' obligation...
I don't think so.

No--you are just "too busy" to be bothered with petty details such as declining an invite. Got it.

If "politeness" were based solely on legalities--there'd be much bigger problems. There is no law to say "please and thank you"--but there is etiquette that says you are rude if you don't.

And I'm not sure what we got wrong--you put it out clearly what you think.

 

[NikitaZee]

I have 5 children, so we get a lot of party invitations. It takes me 20 seconds to turn down an invite. Most parents wait until they have a final head-count before buying favors, for example. My time is precious to me, and it's a PITA for me to have to wait until the last minute to get party supplies, because someone couldn't spend seconds to contact me. I don't care what day and age it is - it is rude to not RSVP, same as it was 40 years ago.

Absolutely right. I just don't understand how anyone can disagree with that. Assuming that they actually saw the invitation - saying that I was too busy, it's only a kids' party, people should allow more leeway, blah blah blah. Those are excuses - not RSVP'ing is plain rude. Acting 'put out' because your child's spot is no longer available is even ruder.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm far from an etiquette expert, but when certain folks begin proclaiming etiquette, then justify their rudeness b/c they are too busy (not you!), then proclaim that it is proper etiquette to just be accomodating....

Asking for a citation isn't too much to ask. There is a supposed Miss Manners expert in my life who consistently lives OUTSIDE of the rules of etiquette while quoting them. Unfortunately, I cannot call her to task. But on a thread solicting opinions on what is and is not appropriate, I can. Ain't the Disboards grand!

I too do parties to make my kids happy--and sometimes it involves a venue with restrictions.

Just came back in to point out--

Miss Post would severly frown on the bad manners of pointing out other's slip in manners. That is rude in the worst kind of way and that is what you should point out to the "expert" in your life.


I never meant to say that not calling when asked to RSVP was NOT bad manners. It is. It just seems to be something that is low on the priority list for most people thse days and there simply isn't anything that is going to change that. Soooo, the choices are to either continue to stress out over it or to figure out a way around it or to do without out it altogether. But, of course, everyone must make their own choice in the matter.

 

[suzannen]

Just came back in to point out--

Miss Post would severly frown on the bad manners of pointing out other's slip in manners. That is rude in the worst kind of way and that is what you should point out to the "expert" in your life.


I never meant to say that not calling when asked to RSVP was NOT bad manners. It is. It just seems to be something that is low on the priority list for most people thse days and there simply isn't anything that is going to change that. Soooo, the choices are to either continue to stress out over it or to figure out a way around it or to do without out it altogether. But, of course, everyone must make their own choice in the matter.

No, it's really only low priority for those folks that continue to be rude and don't RSVP.

 

[kaytieeldr]

In no case did I ever expect people who had no interest in coming to have some unbreakable obligation to contact me.

Well, aside from the fact that I was responding specifically to a comment/question from another poster, not addressing you (and yes, I do realize this is a public forum/discussion board, and really DON'T care who responds to something I post)... you claim to know what RSVP means, yet you then ignore what it means because to heed the request is not convenient for you.

Since you don't expect people who have no interest in attending a social event to which you've invited them to contact you, YOUR invitations would properly say at the bottom, "Regrets Only". However, when an invitation ASKS for a response, the host/hostess EXPECTS a response - even if that response is the fifteen second, "This is Wishing's mom, on a star. Thanks for inviting her to Persephone's party but we won't be able to make it. Bye"

Or, if you REALLY don't care who, if anyone, shows up, just send out invitations with NO contact information or request for notification.

 

[Trekker]

OK - I know this is not right - but it wasn't long ago I thought it was.

I think many people think RSVP means "let me know if you are coming". It wasn't long ago until I realized you were also supposed to "let me know if you are not coming" - not rude - just didn't know what RSVP meant

Heck Lil' Abner thinks it means Roast Skunk Very Possible!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Just came back in to point out--

Miss Post would severly frown on the bad manners of pointing out other's slip in manners. That is rude in the worst kind of way and that is what you should point out to the "expert" in your life.


I never meant to say that not calling when asked to RSVP was NOT bad manners. It is. It just seems to be something that is low on the priority list for most people thse days and there simply isn't anything that is going to change that. Soooo, the choices are to either continue to stress out over it or to figure out a way around it or to do without out it altogether. But, of course, everyone must make their own choice in the matter.

I've observed this to be true. (Same with thank you notes -- yes, I'm still surprised by responses to that thread). The thing is, not replying to an RSVP poses problems for the hostess. The hostess or child thought enough of your (general your) child to include him or her to a party, IMO the same consideration should be extended to the hostess.