If you are married, or have a significant other...

[blanq]

how do they feel about your weight and about your weight loss? And, how do you feel about your weight in relationship to that person? I don't know if those questions make sense. My DH is a wonderful man, and you know what? He is a babe! I think he is so handsome and he weighs the same as he did when I married him 18 years ago. I, on the other hand, have gained a lot of weight since I met and married him. My DH has been very supportive and says he still thinks I am beautiful, but I discount what he says. I think (and sometimes say) "How in the world can you be attracted to ME?, and Yeah, right" I have tried a lot of diets. I have lost weight, and gained it back. He never suggests I should lose weight. When I do want to lose weight, he is supportive and encouraging. I think that my weight issues have really taken a toll on my self esteem for me to respond this way to compliments from him, and I think my responses probably are hurtful to him. This weight has really gotten in the way of my relationship with him, and I hate that. It's like I don't feel worthy to be his DW. Ugh! Anyway, can anyone else relate to this? Have you made any peace with it, and if so, how?

 

[perfectmatch300]

I can relate. Your DH sounds a lot like mine. My DH is wonderful, & I know he loves me just the way I am. I was about 35 lbs lighter than I am now when I met him 8 yrs ago, and I think that if there's anything that bothers him it's that I just don't have the energy I had then. It's not easy carrying all this extra weight around!
I wish I could give you some answers as to how I resolved this issue, but unfortunately it's there for me, too. I guess that most of the time I'm so grateful for what I have in my life today - including him - that I'm able to push my insecurities to the background & just appreciate what I do have today. Those feelings are also a prime motivator for me to lose this weight. I'm trying to take a negative & turn it into a positive. The fact that I'm doing something about my weight does make me feel better about myself.
I do want to let you know that you're not alone with those feelings. We're all here for each other on the WISH board & the support I get here does help me to feel better about myself. I'm sure that just being here will work for you too.
Pick up a WISH member clippie so you'll feel more like part of the group!

 

[disykat]

I wrote a big long answer and then deleted when dh came into the room. Rather than writing it again, I'll summerize. Skinny, underweight husband who is 5 years younger than me. When I gain I look older. So we actually look like Jack Spratt and his mother instead of his wife! Okay, it's really not that bad - but this is a big issue for BOTH of us. I think about it a lot and I'm much harder on myself than he is - he only verbalized his feelings once, but that was enough to be remembered forever.

I started counting ww points again two weeks ago and I'm six pounds down so hopefully things will be better soon. I will always weigh more than him, but just hopefully not this much! I need to lose 40 more pounds to get back to Lifetime in ww (and this time I have more to lose than I lost the first time. UGH!) - this time I'll keep it off!

PS I don't have a clippie either. I've been joining in, but am not interested in the clippies since I have all the signitures etc. turned off due to my slow connection.

 

[tiggerlover]

I can definitely relate to how you feel. My DH and I were both 135 pounds when we met and we both gained weight, however, he only gained 20 pounds, and on his 6'4" frame he is still skinny. I on the other hand, gained 83 pounds in the 19 years we have known one another. I have since lost 28-1/4 pounds, 19-1/4 since joining WISH, but I still have 34-3/4 to go until I am at my personal goal. But with that said I have had all those feelings you mentioned and my DH has responded in the same way as your DH and the thing that I have learned, which is so simple, DH loves me! I am still the girl he fell in love with, just a little bit bigger (ok, a lot bigger) and I am the mother of the wonderful child we created together, we have a life that we have shared for 19 years and he loves me for who I am, not what I look like. Does he like the changes he is seeing with my weight loss, you betcha! Does he love me more because I am losing weight, no, but he is loving the new look. It took me a while to learn what I just wrote, but it is true as I am sure it is true for your DH.

 

[glo]

I know exactly how you feel. The weight has made me feel ugly, old and really unwanted. It has been so long feeling this way, I do not know if I will be able to change how I see myself. I can't remember ever feeling anyother way. Now I feel everyone sees me this way It does get in the way... Don't have any answers either , sorry to say.

 

[kdibattista]

DH is very, very supportive....now. He always says he will love me no matter what. Honestly.... he wasn't supportive at first. I think he felt insecure but that has changed. He is a big guy (6'2, 260 lbs) and now is doing Atkins with me. I was this size when we met (6 years ago) and down 40 lbs when we married (3 years ago). Since then I have gained 30lb.

 

[believe]

I am at my goal, but I can tell you about when I wasn't at my goal. DH did not know me at my heaviest and I am sure if he did he wouldn't have dated me at the time. He has since learned that beauty is within, as several of his friends have learned...since I am always pounding it into their heads. I was my heaviest, besides when pregnant, on our wedding date. I gained about 15-20 lbs in the 2 yrs I dated my DH. DH has always said that as long as I can keep up with him he is fine with any weight. The issue is that I am not fine with my weight when I am not at my goal, which is even less than when I met DH. DH is very supportive of my exercise and eating routine. When I ask him what he wants for dinner he will say something then ask if I can eat that or not. Even now, at goal, I don't have a very good image of myself and it does hurt our relationship at times and I am working at that. DH has gained some weight since we met, but he is still skinny....it wouldn't matter to me how much he weighed, I love him from the inside out.

 

[anniet]

What an interesting thread!!!!

DBF and I have been together 15 years and in that time I've gained 40+ pounds! I talk about dieting and losing weight all the time and he wants me to do it for me, but it doesn't seem to bother him as much as it bothers me! He's 17 years older than I am and VERY active, biking, hiking and I get nervous because he gets a lot of stares from women when we go places. We do go biking and hiking together, but the only thing I can kind of keep up with him on is hiking and even then I'm a good length behind him.

He gets frustrated when I get frustrated and the only thing he will say is, "So stop TALKING about it and start DOING IT!"

He's right! I don't feel as attractive to him as I used to, but I know those are my feelings, not his. Heck we're not married, he could have left a long time ago if he really felt that way.--wow typing that just gave me an Aha moment--

 

[becka]

I know how all of you feel. My self-esteem has taken such a beating since I was a teenager because I have always been a little big on the bigger side although not nearly as big as I have let myself become in the last 5 years. I know that it makes me insecure and has become a source of some stress in our marriage at times. I know my DH loves me in a size 24 and he will love me in a size 10 but I still find that hard to believe at times.

My DH is really being supportive but he does not nag me. I have asked him to help share in my success but not to question what I am eating. I don't want him to keep asking me if I should be eating things or even to try to stop me from eating something because I am upset. I need to do those things for myself.

When I lost weight on WW before I got pregnant with DS, DH was not overly supportive but as I became more successful DH really began to believe that I could do this. He saw how motivated I was and in return became much more supportive. When I became pregnant he also said that he never doubted that I would eventually get back with the plan after I had DS although I don't think he thought it would take this long to get back on it. He really does believe in me and that helps a lot. My biggest hurdle is just learning to believe in myself.

 

[TigH]

My DH is great! Very supportive and loves me no matter what size I am or how long or short my hair is! (Although when I came home with REALLY short hair once he called me Carl! ha ha!)

DH and I have gained and lost our share of weight since we have been married. When we moved to Florida in 1999, I was at my BEST and he was at his worst. He had moved to FL first while I stayed in Maryland to sell our house. I used the 5 months to get in shape and he was busy working and didn't have time to eat right, so he ate macaroni mixed with mayo and tuna ALL THE TIME. A whole box!!! He has since lost most of that weight, and I have gained and lost a few times, but never got back to my 1999 perfect body look! That's my goal this year. He just started WW to lose about 15 pounds that have been bugging him and he's already lost 5!

My problem was my ex boyfriend from the late 80s. I gained a ton of weight while dating him and I was at my heaviest then. He would always berate me and ended up fooling around on me towards the end of our relationship. So now even though I am nowhere near that size or weight anymore, I still have moments when I feel ugly, unworthy, fat, disgusting, unloveable, etc. It takes lots of attitude adjustment to appreciate myself and how I look now, and how I feel about myself now. I always count my blessings and appreciate all the small things in my life (and the big things). I choose to love myself now, even if it's something I have to work at some days.

When I feel fat and unnattractive, I don't believe a word DH says about loving me, I think he is just being nice. But now that I am on my way back to feeling really good about me, I KNOW he is telling me the truth and I know he loves me just as much as I love him. And now I don't feel like I have to make sure he's not around when I'm changing clothes!

 

[kamgen]

My dh is very supportive...when we got married I was in the low 130's....then over 2 years I went up to 170. He gained some weight too, but with his "high speed" metabolism, it is easy for him to lose. But he has never made me feel fat or anything....he always says I am beautiful the way I am...he just wants me to FEEL better.....so I did WW last year, but quit....when I started again in January, he was sure I could do the WW part, just was not sure I would stick to the working out...since I always HATED it! Well, I have been working out at least 3-4 days a week since February and he is soooooo proud of me!
Now he tells me I look hot and I am still not near goal! LOL!!!
It feels good to know he supports me and loves me no matter how I look.......but I know he wants me to be healthier and feel better.
This is a great thread.....it is nice to see other dh's being supportive!!!

Kamy

PS- TigH, my DH LOVES short hair and wants me to cut mine again........LOL!!!

 

[ohMom]

I think we are much harder on ourselves than anyone else! I tend to compare myself to everyone (at the mall, on tv, at the pool) and think -- if only I was that thin. But that is something I have decided to let go, and it's a daily struggle. Unfortunately our culture feeds our minds with "ideals" that just are realistic, as far as body image.

My DH was very "buff" when we met, very into weight lifting, probably around 10% Body Fat. I remember my Mom saying one time "I bumped into him, and his arm is like SOLID" I was at my thinnest we we married (135) and gained back 5 lbs very quickly, then got pregnant. I have not seen 140 since then, 6 yrs ago. He has gained a tiny tiny bit, and doesn't work out as much - but I still think he's a hunk. I married him for better or worse, and I have to have faith that he did too.

You have to believe in your love together, and that it's not superficial (what's on the outside) but that the foundation of your marriage is found in your inside, now matter how big the packaging becomes.

When I whine about my weight and that I need to lose he always says "Do it! But only if it's for you; you don't need to do it for me" And we all know that we'll be successful when we are ready to do it for ourselves and no one else.

How do I face the struggles? Well -- taking the time to take care of me (haircuts, makeup, clothes that I feel good in); exercise; remember it's OK to accept compliments and believe them; lots of prayers to chase out the negative thoughts I may think about myself and for my mind to be overflowing with only positive ones.

You ARE worthy to be his wife - HE PICKED YOU, remember! Make a choice to believe in yourself and who you are; believe in your marriage and that God brought you two together; believe in the power of prayer and the peace it brings.

 

[Jiminy102]

I have been married to my wonderfull Dh for 5 1/2 years. I weighed more than this when I got married!! not at my heaviest but close. Dh's sister's are both larger girl's. I honestly don't think he even notices the weight. I have been very heavy the entire time I have known him. He is VERY supportive but has stressed I need to do this for ME and not anyone else!! He has also pretty much told me that if I am going to do it do it and stop talking about it!!! But only when he knew I needed that kick in the rear!! When he cooks he figures out all the points and lets me know how many points my dinner is. He even portions it and puts it on a plate!! He is wonderful!!

 

[nkjzmom]

I've loved reading this thread and can relate to every single post!
I've always thought I was too heavy....even in HS at a size 7. My Dad had alot to do with that problem. He once told me my legs had no shape. I don't think I wore shorts for a long time after that.

I digress. I was in the 130's, size 11 when I met DH. He has always thought I was, in his words, HOT, and surprisingly enough it was first my LEGS then my smile that caught his attention. 10 years and 4 children later.......I was up to 192 and felt terrible. I did not want to be intimate with him, I did not want to wear shorts, swimsuits, I didn't have energy to play outside with the kids...or just didn't want to go see all the "cute" moms playing and me feeling so big. Every aspect of my life suffered, including our relationship...but not on his part...it was all me.

Now I'm down to 143 with my goal at 135...and he tells me all the time that now there's nothing to hold on to . He doesn't love me more or think I look so much better.....but he admires me for sticking to it and improving myself. He can see a difference in my attitude and that is appealing to him. (And to me ) I decided to lose weight to prepare for donating a kidney to my brother. But the side effects have been amazing!!!! I feel so much better, physically and emotionally.

I honestly don't think I could have ever had peace in my life being that big...just because I'd had all the stress from my Dad when I was actually thin. That's unfortunate. I still have alot of growing up to do in that area.

 

[Beanie]

I can definitely relate, I have felt the same way, too! My DH is always supportive of me no matter what I do...He would love me if I weighed 100 pounds or 1000! He says weight does not matter and he loves me for who I am, but just like you, I brush it off all the time...It bothers me though that I was so much lighter when we were married, which is why I decided to do this...I hate seeing pictures of myself when DH and I were dating. It is too depressing to think I just let myself go after I got married. No matter what though, Dh would always support me and love me unconditionally!

 

[rachael95]

DH and I have been married going on 8 years. Each of us averaged 10 lbs weight gain/ per year over the last 7 years. For our anniversary last year, we decided we were both going to lose weight.

It's been a lot easier for both of us to do it together than either of us trying it separately. For us, it was him who was very worried about weight. He has a skinny mother (she's 5 foot 1 if she wears shoes, I'm 5 ft 9 in bear feet, so I feel like an ox around her.) But his mom has never said anything to me about my weight, but she has gotten on him (very badly) about his. He felt guilty and ugly. He's beginning to feel better now that he's lost a little over 20 lbs. He's hit and passed his first goal.

One thing we both did was choose several goals. It's easier losing when you have attainable goals along the way.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's not just the women who have body image problems, man can too. But we never doubted we loved each other. It's not what is on the outside, but who you are that your spouse should love.

 

[disneyfan551]

Boy, I think about this all of the time. My dh is really good looking and in a high profile job, and gets hit on all of the time. We started "going together" when we were in 8th grade, and have pretty much always been together. (we're going on 22 yrs now...) Growing up, I was thin and I didn't start gaining until after I graduated college. Overall, I have gained 80 lbs. just since our marriage, and that's not even counting the baby weight gain!

I really do worry because I don't know how he could ever want to be with me. And, I'm so ashamed of myself. It doesn't help that he has also cheated on me, within the last year. So, worry is a constant part of my life. Now, I'm just trying to move forward to get this weight off of me. I can not stand it anymore!! I have no self confidence and don't know if I will ever regain it!

Thanks for the thread, it's nice to hear how other people feel on the subject.

 

[DiznEeyore]

I really understand where everyone is coming from on this thread. When my dh and I met, I was very sick with IBS and so I was very thin, around 115 pounds. As I've put on the weight in the past few years, he's been a doll, very supportive, never saying a thing about my weight. In the meantime, he's gotten in pretty good shape, earning his blackbelt in aikido. He's 6'3" and pretty darn cute, and has been hit on by women at work who *know* he's married (grrrr....). So in contrast, I've been feeling really rotten about myself.

I was harboring the thought that if I'd weighed what I do now when we met, dh never would've gone out with me. When I finally told him this, he reminded me that the first picture he ever saw of me was my high school senior picture (my best friend was dating his and fixed us up on a blind date at dh's request) and I was *not* thin. This was a lightbulb moment for me and made me feel so much better -- like, this guy really *does* love me for ME!

I will say that he tries to be supportive, but every now and then seems to be trying to sabotage me. For example, he goes to get bagels, I ask him for one, he brings two. Or he comes home with a candy bar. Or talks me into going out for fast food. I sat down with him at the beginning of this month and explained to him how important it is to me to get healthy and that I really needed his unwavering support. He promised not to "push me off the wagon" anymore.

He's been good since then -- if he's wanting a treat, he'll always ask me how many points I have to play with. I don't want him denying himself something he wants 'cuz I can't have it, but he often does just to avoid tempting me. Now *that's* love!

 

[disykat]

It's great to see so many people with such supportive spouses! It's lovely really, but it's hard for me to believe that there aren't others out there with spouses that struggle with this. My dh tries, he really does. However he simply does not understand my lack of self control when it comes to food. He is an engineer and sees things in very black and white. He never peeked at a Christmas present, doesn't snack between meals even if he's starving, likes his meals at a set time etc. His mind works so totally differently than mine that it's hard for him to have any understanding of food cravings or my emotional relationship with food. It is hard for him to respect people with no self-discipline. He does love me - regardless of looks - but truth is my looks bother him.

 

[nativetxn]

"How in the world can you be attracted to ME?

First you have to promise me that you will never, ever, <b>ever</b> say that to <i>anyone</i> ever again! I mean it. You promise me right now, don't make me have to come over there.

He is attracted to you because you are beautiful inside and out. It's true, don't believe me? Ask anyone here on WISH, they will tell you.

My husband prefers me thinner but he's got a weight problem too, so I don't feel threatened in our relationship because of my weight. We are working on losing weight together.

The first thing you need to do is to believe in yourself. You can lose this weight, you <b>are</b> losing this weight. You are a special part of my support group and I won't tolerate you talking bad about yourself.

I believe in you. You need to realize how special you are and how lucky your so is to have you in his life...because he is extremely lucky to have you. Go stand in front of your mirror and say "I am beautiful inside and out and any man would be lucky to have me in his life." Say it again. Say it <i>louder</i>.

Okay, that's better. BTW, where the <i>heck</i> is your WISH clipart?

Katholyn