If you are an adoptee....

[Luv'sTink]

YES, I have a personal reason for asking.



There is a group on Facebook called B*stard Nation, they do not think very highly of adoption. The members are adoptee's, they went an adoption website and told a woman who was considering giving up her child for adoption not to because it would ruin the child's life.

They seem to disagree with and dislike people who say they are "Happy Adoptees" A lot people on the WWW say happy adoptees are in a fog.

There are a lot of adoptee groups on FB that seem to disagree with adoption. however most are closed groups but you can get the idea either by the name of the group, for example Abolish Adoption.

 

[Luv'sTink]

Thank you to those of you who answered.

 

[Jey12]

DD was adopted and we have what many consider to be a very open adoption with her biological mother and siblings. I also have a few friends who were adopted and 2 of them have adopted their children, the others did not adopt but they are supportive of others who adopt.

As for the open adoption I think it depends on a lot of factors. I talked with my friends who were adopted and asked a lot of questions before we decided to adopt. The main thing I kept hearing was they wish they had had a relationship with their siblings growing up, or at least knew more about them. Not so much their biological parents, the most common response about that was they were ok with meeting them and having a friendly type of relationship. It was the sibling relationship all of them seemed to regret the most. DD has 4 siblings and it was because of them we have maintained the level of openess of her adoption. After a visit it's always the siblings she's sad about leaving, but not so much her biological mom. Currently one sister lives with an aunt out of state, the other sister lives with her biological father out of the country and the 2 brothers live with mom, but the oldest spends a lot of time at his dad's (different dads) house in another state. DD is 7 so she is just now starting to understand what being adopted means and has a lot of questions some days. I personally like when she asks a question I don't know the answer to it's a matter of a simple phone call to the right person to get that answer. I also don't have to wonder about her medical history and that's nice. I think it's a downright crime to seal an adoption record to the point an individual has to petition the courts to find out the smallest of information, especially when their reason for doing so is to gain medical information. Thankfully we live in a state that doesn't seal records.

With the open adoption DD knows who her biological mom is, she knows and gets to see her siblings and really they are more like distant family friends. They have nothing to do with her discipline, or really anything. They are always invited to her birthday parties and gym meets and things like that, but so for they have declined the invites and opted not to come. I don't let DD know they were invited so she's not upset they aren't there.

Currently we are in the process of becoming foster parents with the intent to eventually adopt. It will depend on the circumstances regarding the child and the reason they were removed from their biological home as to if we decide to keep contact or not. In most instances chances are we will not, but may maintain contact with other biological family members.

So for us open adoption for DD has worked well and I think it was a good choice in how we're raising her. For others it may be a very bad idea and won't work. With adoption you cannot make a general statement saying one way is better than another, because there's just too many variables involved.

 

[Jey12]

YES, I have a personal reason for asking.



There is a group on Facebook called B*stard Nation, they do not think very highly of adoption. The members are adoptee's, they went an adoption website and told a woman who was considering giving up her child for adoption not to because it would ruin the child's life.

They seem to disagree with and dislike people who say they are "Happy Adoptees" A lot people on the WWW say happy adoptees are in a fog.

There are a lot of adoptee groups on FB that seem to disagree with adoption. however most are closed groups but you can get the idea either by the name of the group, for example Abolish Adoption.

I have seen this group before and like many people they think their experience and feelings must be what everyone else feels and thinks. This type of selfish thinking is much of what is wrong with this world and these folks aren't any different. I don't deny they may have had a bad experience, or they may not feel adoption is the right course for others, and they would be correct. What they fail to do is take a moment to think another person may have had the exact opposite experience. So what they do is whine and complain about real and not so real things, and use skewed facts to support their feelings.

 

[Aliceacc]

They seem to disagree with and dislike people who say they are "Happy Adoptees" A lot people on the WWW say happy adoptees are in a fog.

.

I LOVE the train of thought that says "If you disagree with me, you're in a fog."

Some people live their lives looking for a reason to be unhappy. Apparently a bunch of them have found each other.

 

[mrsklamc]

So do they think they all should have been aborted, or that everyone who gets pregnant should have to keep it?

 

[Luv'sTink]

I have seen this group before and like many people they think their experience and feelings must be what everyone else feels and thinks. This type of selfish thinking is much of what is wrong with this world and these folks aren't any different. I don't deny they may have had a bad experience, or they may not feel adoption is the right course for others, and they would be correct. What they fail to do is take a moment to think another person may have had the exact opposite experience. So what they do is whine and complain about real and not so real things, and use skewed facts to support their feelings.

I agree with you, some people tend to act like what ever is wrong in their life is because they are adopted. However, a lot of what they claim is wrong because they are adopted happens in and to people and families that there are no adoptions.

I can understand, as best as I can because I am not adopted, that not knowing why you were given up, your ancestry or what your medical background is has got to be difficult to deal with.

 

[Luv'sTink]

So do they think they all should have been aborted, or that everyone who gets pregnant should have to keep it?

I think they think there is no good reason to give a child up for adoption. So everyone should keep their child no matter what.

 

[Saphire]

As a foster Mom to babies, I would like to point out that often babies come to me because the Mom simply could not take care of them. Perhaps it was drug or alcohol abuse, maybe mental illness or homelessness. What do we do then?

The system has been set up to help children in need. I am not sure what these people opposed to adoption would suggest instead.

 

[Poohforyou]

I LOVE the train of thought that says "If you disagree with me, you're in a fog."

Some people live their lives looking for a reason to be unhappy. Apparently a bunch of them have found each other.

Exactly, many, many people on this planet have had something happen in their formative years that changed them forever.

My DD13 is adopted from China. She will forever be a different person than she would have had her birth mother kept her. My own father died when I was 8. I'm a different person because of it.

Is DD sad sometimes because there is a part of her history she'll never know? Of course. However, she doesn't let her being adopted define her.

I do have to say one of the best decisions we made when DD was quite young was to move to a very diverse community. I think her not only not being the only Asian kid around but also not the only adopted one is a big factor in her positive attitude.

 

[Poohforyou]

I think they think there is no good reason to give a child up for adoption. So everyone should keep their child no matter what.

I bet if their birth momma had traded them to a pimp for drugs and the pimp had them turning tricks by age 10 they'd be singing a different tune.

 

[Luv'sTink]

As a foster Mom to babies, I would like to point out that often babies come to me because the Mom simply could not take care of them. Perhaps it was drug or alcohol abuse, maybe mental illness or homelessness. What do we do then?

The system has been set up to help children in need. I am not sure what these people opposed to adoption would suggest instead.

Your thoughts follow my thoughts exactly. I would like to know their answer to that also.

They say there were kidnapped. They had no choice. I do believe most, if not all are from private adoption. What I really don't understand is that they seem to blame the adoptive parents more than the biological parents.

Anyone, adopted or not can have a bad childhood. I have read though that adoptees tend to have depression and a sense of abandonment.

 

[EMom]

My belief about a majority of the people on BNation is that they would have been disgruntled and unhappy in WHATEVER family they had been raised in. Adoptive or biological. Some people just have problems and it's much easier to blame them on adoption than to look inward at what might be wrong with YOU. Seriously, if they had stayed with the bio families they fantasize about, I doubt they would have turned out to be happy campers.

We adopted DD, but long before we knew we would adopt, I felt the same way. The bio mom probably did the best she could, so be grateful she had you and you were able to have a family. She could have aborted (and I'm pro choice, but I'm being realistic) but she chose to give you a chance. Cut her and the adoptive family some slack. And BTW, as many threads on DIS will show, life with a bio family isn't always roses. The people on BNation seem to operate under some delusion that had they remained with their bio family, they would have lead a charmed life. That's not reality.

As for us, DD is the greatest joy of our lives. She has a great life, is adored by her extended family and had a future she never could have had sitting in an orphanage. So none of us have regrets.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

As a foster Mom to babies, I would like to point out that often babies come to me because the Mom simply could not take care of them. Perhaps it was drug or alcohol abuse, maybe mental illness or homelessness. What do we do then?

The system has been set up to help children in need. I am not sure what these people opposed to adoption would suggest instead.

I'm an adoptive parent, and keep in mind that I'm not speaking for myself I'm just explaining what I've heard.

My understanding is that there are 3 thoughts behind the anti adoption movement.

1) We as a society need to devote resources to making it possible for women to keep their babies. Money is often a factor in adoption, and people feel it should be taken out of the equation, but providing more robust resources for women and children.

2) Private adoption, and agency adoption can often be coercive. Potential parents, and lawyers, and agencies can put a lot of pressure on women, including inducing feelings of guilt and anxiety, and isolating women so that they place their children and then regret it. In the mind of some people these practices are akin to kidnapping and should be outlawed.

3) Obviously even if we solve the two problems above, there will still be a relatively small number of children who need new homes. In those cases, I believe that the anti-adoption movement proposes that children move into situations where they have permanency, but the people raising them aren't labeled as "parents" and there's no changing of identities or hiding of information. So, for example, for my child I wouldn't have changed his name, or added my last name, and he would be raised knowing that his birth mother is his "real mother". This situation is not uncommon in kinship care. That is, if a Grandmother is raising her grandchildren after her daughter and son in law die (or vice versa) it's not uncommon for her to keep her identity as "Grandma" and to raise the children to think of her that way.

I think there's some degree of truth in 1 and 2, but I think the anti-adoption movement way oversimplifies things, and takes their ideas too far. I don't think that in non-kinship situations #3 is the best solution for children, but I do think that kids can benefit from having more information earlier on.

 

[Laura66]

Before I started my search for my biological parents I sat in on some group support meetings with Adoption Network in Ohio!
I had to stop going - I couldn't stand it! Quite a few "knew" all their problems would never have happened if they hasn't been abandoned or if they just found their birth mothers all their problems would be solved! These people would have been messed up no matter who raised them! It was also sad because often their parents came with them to these meetings - fully supporting their searches. You could tell how much they loved their children and it must have been so heartbreaking to be blamed for everything wrong in their children's lives!

 

[Robbi]

Our daughter is adopted. DD has said that she has no desire to meet her birth parents.
If she had not been able to get pregnant, she wanted to adopt. In fact, DD says she might want to adopt in a few years. We have a great relationship.

The OP is, IMO, the same as asking if someone gave birth or is a bio father, would their kids consider having biological children. The exceptions would be, I guess, those in homes -either adopted or bio children - who decide for whatever reason not to have children.

My husband and I have 3 children- DS#1 is from my first marriage and DH adopted him after DS' dad died. DS#2 is our child. DD is our daughter too even though she's adopted. We love all of them. The love we feel for her is in no way less than the love we feel for our sons.

 

[disykat]

YES, I have a personal reason for asking.



There is a group on Facebook called B*stard Nation, they do not think very highly of adoption. The members are adoptee's, they went an adoption website and told a woman who was considering giving up her child for adoption not to because it would ruin the child's life.

They seem to disagree with and dislike people who say they are "Happy Adoptees" A lot people on the WWW say happy adoptees are in a fog.

There are a lot of adoptee groups on FB that seem to disagree with adoption. however most are closed groups but you can get the idea either by the name of the group, for example Abolish Adoption.

Thank you for clarifying. I too was trying to wrap my brain around anyone "disagreeing with adoption."

I have a hard time understanding that way of thinking. I'm guessing many of those people think they would have been better off having been aborted? I find that incredibly sad.

I don't think people go around willy nilly deciding to put babies up for adoption. They are usually in a place where they simply can't keep the baby and choose that over the other obvious choice.

 

[Disney Springs]

Regardless of whether you are adopted or not, choosing to adopt (or not to) is a personal decision, and shouldn't be judged as bad if you don't want to.

That being said, DH is adopted, as were 3 of his other siblings. However, DH and I wouldn't adopt for ourselves. The pull for us to have a baby is for a biological one.....if that doesn't happen, then we're just fine being childless.

Come to think of it, none of DH's other (adopted) siblings adopted either. They are married and all have biological children. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with that. Adoption is a choice. And I know one of those siblings would not have adopted, even if she and her husband couldn't have a baby. It was the same for them.....they desired a biological child, or would have been fine without one.

Of course, I did have a one-on-one with MIL, and she asked me if me and DH would ever consider adoption. Given that she adopted 4 of her 5 children, I was a little nervous having this conversation with her. It was awkward telling her how we felt about adoption.....but adoption isn't something that everyone leans towards. So I had to be honest. Plus, I think that's something she should have discussed with her son! She really should have heard it from him.....but oh, well.

Interesting question though.

 

[GAGirlInVA]

Adoptive mama here that has no idea who her biological father is. Not the same, but I do understand not knowing things like medical history, if I have siblings, etc. It did cause issues growing up between my mom and I.

I've had several someones disagree with adopting. One was a lady that I didn't know that randomly walked up to me in a grocery store to tell me she was "prolife but doesn't agree with adoption."

Alrighty then, moving right along to picking out my lettuce.

The rest of the opposition came from our family. We transracially adopted and it ruffled feathers. Ignorance and racism is sadly alive and well. (And yes, we created boundaries. No these people cannot abide by them, so we have no contact with them.)

Your thoughts follow my thoughts exactly. I would like to know their answer to that also.

They say there were kidnapped. They had no choice. I do believe most, if not all are from private adoption. What I really don't understand is that they seem to blame the adoptive parents more than the biological parents.

I think from what I experienced growing up and what I've discussed with other adoptive families, is that there is a certain amount of fantasizing that goes on. Surely, birthparents would do it better/differently. Especially in closed adoptions, not knowing anything makes it really easy to fantasize.

Sometimes in open adoption or upon reuniting, the birthparents aren't honest about where they really were in life when they made that decision too.

 

[Jessica14]

Both my kids are adopted from China. Before we adopted my DD, I read the book "20 ThingsYour Adopted Child Wants You To Know" or something like that. It recommended right off that your child should draw a picture of themselves with a big black hole on the middle. Why? Because all adoptees have a never healing hole in their souls. There were other gems as well. I think the author was disgruntled about her adoption and her adoptive parents.

I totally accept that there ate feelings of grief, abandonment, and loss. But I do think that no situation would make some people happy.