I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[mm_ja]

Well, even though I don’t post often I am reaching out for some help and advice on this Valentines Day. Yes even before breakfast I ruined Valentines Day for my family. What did I do? I got my DW a dozen red roses. Here is my thought process. I know my DW is not a big fan of flowers. She feels it is a waste of money to get a bunch of flowers that will sit around the house for a few day s and then be thrown out. She isn’t opposed to them but just not too much of them. That being said I know that Red roses are not her most favorite, Yellow is her favorite color and Tulips are her favorite flower. So I go to the store yesterday, and spend quite a bit of time trying to decide the over all best course of action. I don’t want to spend too much because then I will get lectured about spending too much and wasting money. So I decided to get a dozen red roses, some baby’s breath, some other leaves, and a vase all separate and spent about $35. I thought it would be a nice gesture to get these separate ingredients and arrange them myself in the vase. Even though I knew she liked yellow tulips the best I thought Hey, its Valentines Day go with the red roses. I arraigned them last night did the best I could and it didn’t look bad at all I thought. I set them out on the breakfast table thinking it would be a nice surprise when she woke up. I got up before her and took the dog out for a walk this morning I get home and I know she has seen them because the kitchen light is on, but no nothing from her ok. I get ready for work and go into the kitchen where she is standing and say good morning and happy Valentines Day I get a happy valentines day back. I talk to the kids a bit then get ready to walk out the door. I go into the kitchen where the flowers have been moved and say “Have a nice day, and a happy valentines day” her reply “Ok”, Then I Say “I love you”, nothing, “Don’t you love me?” “Just as much as any other day”. She then asks who the flowers are for, and wants to know why I got her red roses when I know she doesn’t like them. I simply said because it is Valentines Day and red roses means I love you on Valentines Day and then left because I knew if I stayed things would not improve.

So I get a call while in the car, she is crying telling me how crappy she feels and how she is taking it out on the kids and she needed to talk. She proceeded to tell me how I don’t care about her, and the fact that I got her flowers I knew she didn’t like only showed her how insincere, ignorant, and how little I pay attention to her. She says my flowers were like a slap in her face, and tells her I was only concerned with doing the bare minimum with the least amount of effort involved. She feels I didn’t try to be creative or put any thought into anything. What hurt the most was that she then told me that she is very concerned about the role model I am providing for my two DSs and she is very worried that will grow up and not know how to treat future girlfriends and wives.

Anyway this conversation went on for about thirty minutes mostly me apologizing and her telling me what to say. Needless to say we have communication issues. Even though what she said she wanted me to say is what I meant I just didn’t say it the way she wanted to hear it. So then when I say what she says she wants to hear it is meaningless because she had to tell me to say it. One thing I noticed is she said three or four times that her goal for today was to have a great day with the kids and then at the end of the day if something nice happened with me that would be fine, but I put her in such a bad mood she wont be able to enjoy her day with the kids. I seemed to be an after thought for today.

OK I know I messed up with the flowers, Earlier I got her a gift certificate to a nail salon she likes and a DVD of Sound of Music. She has said several times she would like to have the DVD, and I know she enjoys pedicures from this specific salon. She flat out told me that if I came home with any other flowers it would a big no no today no matter what they were. I know of some things I can do in the future to overall improve. One thing is just to force us to spend more time together to really get to know each other again. A typical day for us is get up get ready for work, get the kids ready for school, When I get home its playtime with the kids, while she has some alone time since she is a SAHM, maybe two or three times a week we eat dinner together as a family most of the time its me and the kids eating at the table while she is doing something. After dinner its get homework done, get baths, read books and get the kids to bed. At that point it is usually about 9pm and my wife goes to bed. The next day we start over again. Anyway I apologize for the long message but the question is what simple things can I do today to show I truly do care and think about her to try and salvage Valentines Day. Remember, its too late to get a babysitter and I don’t think she will be up to the four of us going out for a nice dinner.

 

[SandraVB79]

IMHO, your wife has issues...
How can you be mad because you got a gift?

 

[singingpixie]

Honestly, it sounds like no matter what, she's not going to be happy. She's the one who decided to be angry over something as trivial as not getting the right flowers- there's something bigger going on, and until she is willing to actually address whatever that is, no valentines gift from you is going to be enough to fix things. I wish I could give you some magic solution!

 

[RickinNYC]

It seems to me that your wife is playing a HUGE passive/aggressive game and there are other issues that she hasn't brought up. She's using the flowers as an excuse to vent her frustrations.

 

[chyam]

You know I just don't get it......Some women never appreciate what they have. And there are many more that would LOVE to find flowers on the table in the morning even if they were picked in a field. It is so much more about just the thought and not digging so deep into each and every action. Maybe you do have communication problems which need to be addressed but she has some issues also. She is lucky she is able to stay home and be with her kids and she is lucky she got something, it's like your darned if you do and darned if you don't!

 

[paigevz]

I'm sorry. I don't know if you can win with her at all.

 

[Hercules10]

Lemmee understand...You got your wife roses and you're in trouble because they're the wrong color?

Sounds like she's got some growing up to do.

 

[daninalismama]

I'm so sorry to hear about your day. At least you tried. Ok, so you knew that the red roses weren't her favorite, but didn't know, at least before today, that she DESPISED them. I almost thought by reading your story that you'd have been better off to do nothing.

Maybe she's got some struggles going on right now that she hasn't talked to you about. We women can be like that. One day, everything is fine and the next, our SO's have just put the world on its side and nothing is right. Regardless, try to just show her that you truly love her today and that you are sorry for the roses...

Here's my suggestion - how about bringing home dinner? That way, she won't have to cook and you won't have to fight crowds trying to go out somewhere. Even if it's something simple - a rotisserie chicken, or carryout from a restaurant you all enjoy. It will show you are making an effort to, if nothing else, ease some of the things she would normally do in a day.

Good Luck to you! Let us know how it goes.

 

[CinderellaIam]

Honestly, it sounds like no matter what, she's not going to be happy. She's the one who decided to be angry over something as trivial as not getting the right flowers- there's something bigger going on, and until she is willing to actually address whatever that is, no valentines gift from you is going to be enough to fix things. I wish I could give you some magic solution!

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Andy B]

I would be more concerned over the example she is setting the children and the way she expects what she wants and cannot accept a gift with grace, what did she do for you isn't love a two way thing?

 

[JR6ooo4]

What did you get? First thing in the morning?

Mikeeee

Does she DIS? Maybe she was hoping for a 5 carrot solitaire ring.

 

[SandraVB79]

I would be so tempted to throw the flowers away once I got home.
If any remarks from her side are made: "But you despise them? So I thought to just get rid of them!"
Maybe it will make her think about how she acted...

 

[mjkacmom]

I have to side with your DW, as I've had this issue with my DH. However, I did learn that I have to say, each year, "do NOT get me flowers on Valentines Day, and as you know, I DO not like roses." It used to hurt my feelings that he would get the traditional roses for me, spending twice as much as they would cost the next day, when I've made it clear that I don't want them. Now, if he got me an arrangement of sentimental flowers, such as those I had in my wedding bouquet, I'd love it!

 

[mickeyboat]

It seems to me that your wife is playing a HUGE passive/aggressive game and there are other issues that she hasn't brought up. She's using the flowers as an excuse to vent her frustrations.

MTE - there are probably some things you need to work out, and it is all coming to a head during this very emotionally-charged holiday.

The best thing you can do is to try to get her to open up to you and tell you what is really going on - does she feel underappreciated? Are the kids wearing her out? Is she missing her family? Are you pulling away from one another because you are so busy with your job and the kids? Don't feel defensive if she is feeling badly about something, but make sure she knows you are willing to talk about it and work through it - whatever it is.

And don't feel bad about the flowers. You may not have made the right choice, but at least you tried.

Denae

 

[lindakmonty]

wow, I am so sorry! I thought what you did was very sweet! I don't care for flowers much either if you're thinking about the money aspect, but I'd never COMPLAIN about receiving them, let alone cause such a scene over it. It does sound like she has some major issues to work through. YOU are not the bad role model for getting your wife ROSES on Valentines Day good luck! sounds like you're gonna need it!

 

[Mom2Ashli]

I think there are other issues besides the color and type of flower you came home with. It sounds like you two need some time alone to talk things thru and get back on the right track with your marriage.

Hope things work out for you.

 

[Andy B]

I have to side with your DW, as I've had this issue with my DH. However, I did learn that I have to say, each year, "do NOT get me flowers on Valentines Day, and as you know, I DO not like roses." It used to hurt my feelings that he would get the traditional roses for me, spending twice as much as they would cost the next day, when I've made it clear that I don't want them. Now, if he got me an arrangement of sentimental flowers, such as those I had in my wedding bouquet, I'd love it!

And do you ever think of the hurt to your DH when you say this and deprive him of participating in the 'traditional act' of declaring his love on Valentines. Would you say I do not like CHristmas trees I want a palm, tradition sometimes needs to be adhered to for it's own sake.

 

[SandraVB79]

And do you ever think of the hurt to your DH when you say this and deprive him of participating in the 'traditional act' of declaring his love on Valentines. Would you say I do not like CHristmas trees I want a palm, tradition sometimes needs to be adhered to for it's own sake.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Jpgirl]

Wow. My first response is, well never mind. Let's just say I had a few hormonal days and acted like that. I don't know you,your wife or your situation, but in my situation, it was always best to let it go. Every time my poor hubby would try to "fix" things it would only get worse, mainly because I would feel like a real heel for going off on him. Thank Goodness those days are over. It is hard to be a SAHM, mainly because one's self esteem goes to heck in a hand basket. I found that for myself, finding something that's just for me worked. I started teaching fitness at the local Y. It was a great part time job-the kids could go into childcare for free,I had time to myself with other adults, and it help me to identify myself other than wife,SAHM. There was absolutely NOTHING wrong with those labels,just how I felt about myself. My guess is that your wife is going through the same identity crisis and seeing the red roses just re enforeced her thoughts that she's invisible and only good for raising kids and cleaning up. So maybe let it go, and in a calm moment this weekend, have a heart to heart, tell her you love her and would like to see her find herself and bloom! I know my dh was/is the greatest man supporting me while I learned to be a fitness professional. He even took vacation so I could go to fitness conferences while the kids were little. Good luck, and try not to take it too personally-she's really lashing out at herself-I think

 

[mm_ja]

Well So far I have recieved nothing from her except the conversation mentioned above. We usually do any gift kind of thing when I get homes so who knows what she had gotten me. I will give her the remaining gifts then. Actually one of the things she mentioned she wanted me to say to her was to tell her to throw the roses in the garbage, which I did, but of course she had to tell me to say it.