I understand not liking company but.....

[polkadotsuitcase]

OH,man, can I sympathize with you~ My SIL and her husband are the silliest ninnies you ever met.

Okay, this is my new favorite phrase -- "the silliest ninnies you ever met." That just struck me as hilarious for some reason. (Think I'm overtired...)

Crazy stories here! I'm so sorry anyone has to deal with these silly ninnies. Fortunately, my SIL has no children, so I haven't had to deal with anything like this -- that's just crazy. My sister, on the other hand, is different. She lives across the country sad1 so we haven't seen them much at all. But on the rare occasions we were together with all the kids, it was like one big pool of kids -- everyone was treated the same, one big happy group o' kiddos.

Don't know how I'd handle the craziness y'all are facing -- sorry you dealt with that. I agree with PP, though. WDW is neutral territory.

 

[Skywalker]

First, you say she acted like a basket case "all weekend long" and then you say you only stayed one night?

I think if your son was "going crazy" after just one day, and if you were running around all stressed out in having to keep him quiet, it sounds like maybe he was quite the handful and a little much for the sister in law - what you are used to may not be normal for her.

I had older relatives whose houses were so quiet all you could hear was the clock ticking, lol. We were taught to be quiet and do a quiet activity like read while the adults visited. It didn't kill us. And my parents certainly never packed up and went home because we were bored!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, OP, I am sorry that you are being flamed...
I am right there with you....
But, as we all know, this is the DIS.

And, an active 6 year old boy 'sit and read' for an entire weekend...
All I can do is think, yeah right...

Bottom line, if you can't handle visitors and children in your home, then it's simple.... don't INVITE them.
Now that SIL has given the whole family-visit thing a try, hopefully she has learned that she is just not up for this kind of thing.

It sounds like your SIL does indeed have some issues...
I am not reaming her out and flaming her or anything else.
Just stating the obvious.
Take this information and adjust your reactions and plans accordingly!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Again, OP, I am sorry that you are being flamed...
I am right there with you....
But, as we all know, this is the DIS.

And, an active 6 year old boy 'sit and read' for an entire weekend...
All I can do is think, yeah right...

Bottom line, if you can't handle visitors and children in your home, then it's simple.... don't INVITE them.
Now that SIL has given the whole family-visit thing a try, hopefully she has learned that she is just not up for this kind of thing.

It sounds like your SIL does indeed have some issues...
I am not reaming her out and flaming her or anything else.
Just stating the obvious.
Take this information and adjust your reactions and plans accordingly!

Give me a break. It was one day not a whole weekend. A 6 year old boy or girl is capable of playing quietly for a day. If they are not then the parents need to figure out why. I think the only issues the SIL has is that her houseguests aren't as good gurests as she would like. That seems obvious.

 

[ilovesugar]

Give me a break. It was one day not a whole weekend. A 6 year old boy or girl is capable of playing quietly for a day. If they are not then the parents need to figure out why. I think the only issues the SIL has is that her houseguests aren't as good gurests as she would like. That seems obvious.

So what is the reason she did not like having the other BIL and his family there? Where they bad houseguests too? At some point you have to look past our family and see that it is not an isolated event.

And we got there at 11 one morning and left at 8pm the next day so it was a little more than a day. The first entire day my son was outside with DH and the other guys clearing brush so he was not even in the house all day until about 6 or 7 pm. She was a basket case then too, so it was not my son that was making her act this way, she was doing it the whole time he was outside. So how is he driving her crazy when he is not even in the house? Maybe it was my 9 month old playing with her sons toys that was driving her crazy. Who knows.

 

[ilovesugar]

Wow.
I was merely offering up a different point of view. That certainly gives some insight why maybe she wasn't feeling all that welcoming to you.

Oh- and plenty of people visit relatives 3 hours away for the day. So it's not really all the absurd.

Even if they did really invite you maybe in theory it sounded like a good idea but once you were there she found you annoying. You never had that happen before? (not people finding you annoying but the other way around) Spending immense amounts of time with family doesn't work for everyone. Maybe she thinks your kids are too rough and you think it is normal kid play? Who knows? Clearly something annoyed her.

I'm taking a guess here and saying that the brother said "You have to come visit us!" and the OP's dh said "Great! We'll be at your house Friday!"
However maybe brother didn't really mean he wanted you at his house. He just wanted you to visit and then go to a hotel or home. Then SIL who doesn't really like overnight guests is now on high alert because the whole thing stresses her out. Maybe she wasn't trying to be a jerk about the toy thing but you have to remember that her kids are young and probably don't have friends over so she is not used to how other kids play. Not saying the other kids are playing badly- just different than hers. I remember when I had my first child it would make me nervous to have certain kids over. It's not that I minded the child etc. but I was not used to the way they played- dumping all the toys bins over (even though we always cleaned up before they left) because my own child never played that way. It would stress me out. I no longer stress about that stuff because I have 5 kids and have since learned it is no big deal.
You mentioned water dripping on the floor etc. While it is no big deal really I bet in her head she is screaming "HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT IS DRIPPING?!!!!!!!!" I won't tell you how I know that. She just can't take that much upset in her environment for that long. 24\7 guests are not for everyone. She probably would have enjoyed you more (and you them) if she got a break at night to have some private time in her home to unwind. Houseguests are not for everyone.

Actually you were not offering up a point of view, you were saying prety much here is what I think REALLY happened. That is not "let's look at this from another point of view"

Clearly you are a peach to go and visit if you too sit around and worry about water on the floor and not enjoying your guests.

And if you want to drive 6 hours in the car to go and have lunch with someone, be my guest. I am not about to and I don't know anyone who would.

I guess I am just way more laid back than my SIL and that is OK. Now I know. When I invite people over I spend my time having fun with them, not scampering around cleaning and fretting about other kids touching my kids toys. They are TOYS, they are meant to be played with and I expect my kids to share.

 

[Scurvy]

Oh- and plenty of people visit relatives 3 hours away for the day. So it's not really all the absurd.

I do it all the time, and so do many people I know. I live exactly three hours away from the town where I grew up and went to college. A bunch of my college classmates also moved to where I live now. Many of us have pets, and it's way easier to head back to that town for the day (to visit family or for alumni events) than to pack up and make arrangements for animal care overnight. People visit my current town from there for the day all the time, too. We also live 3.5 hours from a major city and we go there for the day all the time, too. I don't see why that's such an absurd concept.

OP, your comments about your sister-in-law and also about the three hour drive make it sound to me like you think your way is the only right way to do things. Just because you wouldn't do something - like drive three hours away for a day trip, or clean water off the floor while you have guests - doesn't mean it's a completely crazy concept. People are different, and that doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other is wrong. It just means you might not be a great fit for each other.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Actually you were not offering up a point of view, you were saying prety much here is what I think REALLY happened. That is not "let's look at this from another point of view"

Clearly you are a peach to go and visit if you too sit around and worry about water on the floor and not enjoying your guests.

And if you want to drive 6 hours in the car to go and have lunch with someone, be my guest. I am not about to and I don't know anyone who would.

I guess I am just way more laid back than my SIL and that is OK. Now I know. When I invite people over I spend my time having fun with them, not scampering around cleaning and fretting about other kids touching my kids toys. They are TOYS, they are meant to be played with and I expect my kids to share.

I am a peach. I don't invite people to spend the weekend because I know I don't enjoy those kind of visits. I also prefer a hotel to staying at someone's house. I wasn't saying what really happened. I have no idea since I wasn't there. Maybe she really thought having company would be different. Maybe she was annoyed with her DH and didn't want to fight in front of you. Either way doesn't make her nuts. Not the best person to host but then again she might not think you or anyone are the best houseguests.

 

[ilovesugar]

I do it all the time, and so do many people I know. I live exactly three hours away from the town where I grew up and went to college. A bunch of my college classmates also moved to where I live now. Many of us have pets, and it's way easier to head back to that town for the day (to visit family or for alumni events) than to pack up and make arrangements for animal care overnight. People visit my current town from there for the day all the time, too. We also live 3.5 hours from a major city and we go there for the day all the time, too. I don't see why that's such an absurd concept.

OP, your comments about your sister-in-law and also about the three hour drive make it sound to me like you think your way is the only right way to do things. Just because you wouldn't do something - like drive three hours away for a day trip, or clean water off the floor while you have guests - doesn't mean it's a completely crazy concept. People are different, and that doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other is wrong. It just means you might not be a great fit for each other.

I know what your saying, I do. And all I am saying is that with her comments about the other BIL visiting and her behavior while I was there, it is clear that she does not like company. So my question is, why invite people then? Just don't do it and you will be much happier.

As for the 6 hours in the car trip for a day, I get that you do it and I don't know if you have kids or not. If you have kids then I salute you because that is a long time for kids to sit in a car in one day. Like I said, it is not something I would do and I am not saying that I don't believe anyone who says they do, I am saying that nobody I know does that.

I think that SIL and I just come from two different worlds. I come from a very large family with 40 people in just my immediate family. We get together all the time and there is always lots of fun and noise. Kids are always running around playing and we all really love it. She comes from a clearly more quiet family with only a brother and sister and 2 nephews and they live a long way away. So we just are different in what we can handle. I am not saying she is crazy or a horrible person, I am just saying that clearly she cannot handle overnight company and that is OK. We know that now and will not be going there to visit or if we do it will be in a hotel. They are more than welcome to come to our home anytime. It is just really sad for me because BIL is my sons godfather and he never knew him for the first 6 years of his life except when he would fly through our town and have a meal with us. SIL had not seen him since he was 4 months old, until this weekend. I had never met my 2 year old nephew and was really looking forward to a relationship with him. I was looking forward to our families being closer so that we could get to know each other better.

 

[mhsjax]

Yeah, you never know. I personally dislike the whole snowflake/helicopter thing because you never get the whole story... And this is the same.

There's another DIS mantra: my house, my rules. It's been applied to a number of things. In this case, it's SIL's house and SIL's rules... Regardless of how ridiculous we might think her rules are.

I agree to a certain point, like certain TV shows, no eating in other rooms other than the kitchen, certain bedtimes. But if you think it is ok to deny a child access to your child's regular toys, not special toys, (we all have those and they should be put up) and you are raising your children in this way, then I am sure your children are going to grow up to be real great people. Yours' is the type of house I would never visit and would never be social with.

Also, a bit off here and I may be wrong, but I see a lot of people agreeing with the op are from the south, and people who are not are from the north, wow, wonder if that means anything. Just wondering.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

People are different, and that doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other is wrong. It just means you might not be a great fit for each other.

This is the bottom line.

 

[wendy46001]

sounds like you and SIL have very different expectations, also it doesnt sound like you know each other. She could be uptight, but also she could be new to having company (esp a family with kids). Also if they are new to having local family this is a big new expectation.

maybe an hour into the visit she realized this would be lots of weekends in the future and its just not her cup of tea. Maybe she was like, wow hosting is a lot of work or she could have been looking around thinking, these are brand new floors people don’t drip.

who knows

I guess I’d give you both the benefit of the doubt and suggest trying again; knowing what it’s like in her home might change your view point. Also suggest doing it pre Disney trip, that way you know for sure if you can manage a longer vacation

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It is just really sad for me

It is really sad to come to these realities, especially when it's family or close friends. (BTDT) But you'll probably find as you and your children get older, it becomes more common. Not everyone's compatible, especially when kids are involved. So, like I said before, you just figure out who you enjoy spending time with and who you don't, and let that guide you.

And as for trips, it couldn't be more true. When it's hard enough spending a day or two with others you're having difficulty with, thoughts of a week in the same space are just, well, silly. Why subject yourselves to such displeasure in the name of having fun? It doesn't sound like it will be much fun for either of your families if forced to spend a week in the same space. (Oh I know you said you'd be having fun, but your fun isn't necessarily their fun, and that's ok. Different strokes for different folks.) I hope you can just let it go now.

 

[ilovesugar]

It is really sad to come to these realities, especially when it's family or close friends. (BTDT) But you'll probably find as you and your children get older, it becomes more common. Not everyone's compatible, especially when kids are involved. So, like I said before, you just figure out who you enjoy spending time with and who you don't, and let that guide you.

And as for trips, it couldn't be more true. When it's hard enough spending a day or two with others you're having difficulty with, thoughts of a week in the same space are just, well, silly. Why subject yourselves to such displeasure in the name of having fun? It doesn't sound like it will be much fun for either of your families if forced to spend a week in the same space. (Oh I know you said you'd be having fun, but your fun isn't necessarily their fun, and that's ok. Different strokes for different folks.) I hope you can just let it go now.

Yes, DH and I talked about it for a long time last night and he is going to talk to his brother when they go fishing in a few weeks. Maybe he will find out she was just having an off weekend, maybe not. But at least the lines of communication will be open for the "maybe you want to get your own room" conversation that needs to happen.

And it is hard, really hard. Because my family is extremely close and we are really close to the other BIL and his family too. I know that all the boys were really looking forward to being able to spend more time together so I know that my DH is disappointed that won't happen, at least not with the families. They will have to do things just the three of them and while that is great, I know he was looking forward to our families getting to know each other. But ya know, I just have to be OK with the fact that it might not happen and just be happy with my strong relationships with the other BIL's family and my family.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

A few things I don't understand -

I didn't realize you were treating to the 3 bedroom villa. That is extremely nice of you. Would it cost you anymore do get a 2 bedroom and a studio?

Do you have to be in the same room to have a vacation together? Isn't staying the in the same resort and doing parks together enough "together time". Don't you think it might be good for each family to have their own "family" time?

BTW - I admit that I get a little anxious when other kids are over pulling out a lot of toys and leaving messes. Not saying that your ds did that but I get stressed out too. Also I would never go somewhere for an overnight visit without brining some toys and/or activities for the kids, especially when your ds is 6 and there child is 2. I understand you thought he could play the Wii but next time you go somewhere I would check before hand.

Also, I'm a "clean freak" too so even though I enjoy having family company over I am constantly walking around picking up things and wiping down things. It's not that I don't want them there, it's that it's easier to clean up the little messes right away then to wait and let it look like a bomb went off.

Hope your family can come to some understanding and still enjoy a family vacation. We paid for our families Grand Gathering completely - airline tickets, park tickets, rooms, meal plan, spending money but I never felt like everyone had to do things our way because we were paying for it. In fact we stressed from the beginning - as much or as little "together time" as each family wanted.

 

[mhsjax]

I also want to say that I find some children disturbing. I hate when they leave things out all over and I hate messes. However, When this happens I do my best to just deal with it and clean up as much as I can.

My problem is mostly with the sharing of toys. That I don't and wont ever understand. And if she sil doesn't like it then fine, it is her hang up but she should have just sucked it up, the the child play and then never had them back. It is unacceptable to me to make anyone invited to your home to feel as if they are not wanted. Even if they aren't, then you put on your academy award face and act like you like it and then never invite them back.

My mother would come up out of her grave and knock me silly if she knew I ever treated someone like that in my home.

 

[ilovesugar]

I also want to say that I find some children disturbing. I hate when they leave things out all over and I hate messes. However, When this happens I do my best to just deal with it and clean up as much as I can.

My problem is mostly with the sharing of toys. That I don't and wont ever understand. And if she sil doesn't like it then fine, it is her hang up but she should have just sucked it up, the the child play and then never had them back. It is unacceptable to me to make anyone invited to your home to feel as if they are not wanted. Even if they aren't, then you put on your academy award face and act like you like it and then never invite them back.

My mother would come up out of her grave and knock me silly if she knew I ever treated someone like that in my home.

That is what I am struggling with too. I just don't understand what the problem was. I mean, the toys were out, it is not as if my son was going into closets getting them. They were sitting out in plain view and they were perfectly fine for HER son to play with them, just not mine. If my son went to play with something she would say "no, that is (her sons name) and is to little for you to play with" and then take it away from him or make him stop playing with it. I don't get that and that is just not in any way shape or form, how I was brought up, or bring my kids up.

And I don't like when my son makes a mess either, and he is always responsible for picking them up when he is finished playing with them. It is part of his daily chores.

 

[disykat]

I think that SIL and I just come from two different worlds. I come from a very large family with 40 people in just my immediate family. We get together all the time and there is always lots of fun and noise. Kids are always running around playing and we all really love it. She comes from a clearly more quiet family with only a brother and sister and 2 nephews and they live a long way away. So we just are different in what we can handle. I am not saying she is crazy or a horrible person, I am just saying that clearly she cannot handle overnight company and that is OK. We know that now and will not be going there to visit or if we do it will be in a hotel. They are more than welcome to come to our home anytime. It is just really sad for me because BIL is my sons godfather and he never knew him for the first 6 years of his life except when he would fly through our town and have a meal with us. SIL had not seen him since he was 4 months old, until this weekend. I had never met my 2 year old nephew and was really looking forward to a relationship with him. I was looking forward to our families being closer so that we could get to know each other better.

Okay, finally - hope. I hope you can let go of some of your anger and blame and keep this kinder, gentler attitude in forging a relationship with your SIL.

 

[mhsjax]

Okay, finally - hope. I hope you can let go of some of your anger and blame and keep this kinder, gentler attitude in forging a relationship with your SIL.

I hate the words anger and blame here, although I do agree with you. From my experience with my kids, it is hard to to feel anger when you are at someone house and your child is not allowed to play with anything. The momma bear fight comes out in you, so being through it, I completely understand the anger, it is almost like someone physically attacked your child, we all know that the sil didn't but that is what I felt like when it happened to 2 of my kids by different people. One just wouldn't make their child share and mine would just look at me with big puppy dog eyes, (he was only 16 months). And the other would let her kids take away anything that mine was playing with at the time and they were the same age. And when I took my own toys to their house the little (insert word of choice here) would take away my kids own toy and the parent wouldn't do anything about it.

In short I guess I am putting my own feelings in to this, and unless you watch your little child be (as far as I am concerned ) treated like crap, then maybe you don't understand.

 

[ilovesugar]

I hate the words anger and blame here, although I do agree with you. From my experience with my kids, it is hard to to feel anger when you are at someone house and your child is not allowed to play with anything. The momma bear fight comes out in you, so being through it, I completely understand the anger, it is almost like someone physically attacked your child, we all know that the sil didn't but that is what I felt like when it happened to 2 of my kids by different people. One just wouldn't make their child share and mine would just look at me with big puppy dog eyes, (he was only 16 months). And the other would let her kids take away anything that mine was playing with at the time and they were the same age. And when I took my own toys to their house the little (insert word of choice here) would take away my kids own toy and the parent wouldn't do anything about it.

In short I guess I am putting my own feelings in to this, and unless you watch your little child be (as far as I am concerned ) treated like crap, then maybe you don't understand.

Exactly. How can you not get upset when your child looks at your with hurt eyes? At one point my son climbed up in my lap and whispered "do they think I'm a bad kid?" and my heart just ached for him. That is what he took from her behavior, that she thought he was a bad kid because she was constantly telling him he could not play with anything.

So yes, I was angry about it because I am a mommy. He forgot all about it and was crying when we left because he was going to miss his cousin.