I think I want a divorce...

[Bob NC]

First I'm wondering why you had 2 kids with him if he has had different goals since you married him and knew this . Never will understand this

Ya know, many of us, I'm sure, thought this, but as adults we realized there was absolutely NO upside to actually "saying" it.

Unless we are intentionally trying to beat down on others, many adults know that we don't actually have to say everything we think.

 

[si-am]

Have you talked to him about this? Have you told him you won't put up with it for much longer? Like, put it all out there?

When my husband lost his job, the expectations were quite clear that he should be doing even EXTRA work around the house while I was meanwhile working to support us both. And he did, though he did seem to go through a period of a few weeks where he was depressed and somewhat unmotivated.

I would not be able to live the way you are living. Still.... divorce is difficult, and the idea of paying alimony to him would scare me (and make me angry!) So I agree with others to tread carefully, and consult a lawyer about potential outcomes before doing anything rash.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Aw honey, I'm sorry. I'm in the same situation about a divorce after 14 years, but my circumstances are a little different. I hope you are able to decide what's best for you and the kids. If you are pinning any hopes on his changing, forget about it. It'll just be more wasted time. It won't be easy, but it'll be great to have "your" life back and be able to stop babysitting your husband.

Good luck and best wishes for you.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Ya know, many of us, I'm sure, thought this, but as adults we realized there was absolutely NO upside to actually "saying" it.

Unless we are intentionally trying to beat down on others, many adults know that we don't actually have to say everything we think.

Bob...I like you Bob.

 

[hereyago]

Yes divorce sucks but not all grass is greener are high maintenance. My ex is no longer my problem. Either the ops husbqnd would go back with his parents or find anotther female to take care of him. I didn't take my ex back because we had our dd and I didn't want her to learn the situation I put up with prior to having her w1as acceptable. As for alimony he has only been supported for 2 years not the entire time so I wouldn't be getting to worked up anld custody not that either: he doesn't help with the kids I don't see a judge giving him sole custody when he doesn't have a place or stability.

 

[junebee]

What happens if you just don't do the house stuff? why don't you let it go for a while and tell him it is his job since he is home. That is what I would do.

I've done this many times. The last time (last week).... my feet stuck to the kitchen floor, the counters were covered in crumbs, nothing was closed (open cereal boxes laying sideways on the counter), food on the floor, piles of dishes, debris on the carpet, toys EVERYWHERE, dirty clothes right in front of the front door, I won't go on. I walked past it all for a few days (this wasn't the first time) and I finally asked him when he thought he would getting around to cleaning up the mess. He was laying on the sofa watching TV and on his computer. His response was "I'm busy looking for a job, which one do you want?"

 

[lovemygoofy]

Unfortunately, this situation is "real", though I really wish it were not. I love and care for my husband. He really is a good guy, but he is lazy and unambitious. We have grown apart, and I know that our marriage will not work. Yes, you are only hearing from me, but I am really just stating the facts as they happen, not my interpretation of them.

For example:
I work and have an income. He does not work, and has no income.
I clean, do yard work, fix up the house, care for the kids, and pay the bills. He does not.
While I am working around the house (after working sometimes 12 hours at work), he is laying on the sofa watching TV or on the computer.
When I ask for help, he doesn't.

This really isn't a he said/she said. It's basically, I do and he doesn't. There is really no way to spin that.

I've been a member of the DIS for a few years and respect the comments and advice of others. I appreciate their responses, and that's why I have posted in this forum. As I've mentioned in my previous post, the responses were not what I was expecting. This is a difficult situation for me and I only have 1 friend who knows what's going on. I like hearing about how others have dealt with their problems. It helps me to sort through my feelings, and provides real-life scenarios, not just those I conjure in my head. I generally don't talk to men about these issues, so I would expect that mostly women would respond (though it would be nice to get a male perspective). I am really in a tough situation, I'm scared, and I feel alone. Any advice, comment, or personal story is very much appreciated.

So what would happen if your husband started being an active husband again? Would you want to be married? Are you already divorced in your heart?
Have you really REALLY down in the dirt talked to him about all these feelings?

You and your husband started a bad cycle together years ago where you it seems do the majority of the work. Now you are years later and in the same cycle but you are unahppy with it. If you want your marriage to work, then do something about it to change your cycle. It won't automatically change and it will require extreme action and talking.

If he doesn't want to change, then I would walk. However I wouldn't just leave without trying to change why I was so unhappy.

If you aren't in love and want to be with your husband that is completely different. Are you just staying because it is comfortable and predictable?
Only you know the real reasons and answers and what you want to work toward.

 

[Bob NC]

He was laying on the sofa watching TV and on his computer. His response was "I'm busy looking for a job, which one do you want?"

Get some dvd's for the kids, then cancel the cable and the internet.

For his 1 hour of job searching on the net every day he can head to the library.

Start leaving a note in the morning for the tasks that have to be done that day.

If you sit at the kitchen table with him and lay out that you are going to work, and he has to pick up some chores during the day, what is he going to say?

If he doesn't like it, what's he going to do, leave? That will put you exactly where you are expecting to be anyway, so give it a shot.

 

[junebee]

Ya know, many of us, I'm sure, thought this, but as adults we realized there was absolutely NO upside to actually "saying" it.

Unless we are intentionally trying to beat down on others, many adults know that we don't actually have to say everything we think.

My oldest will be 8. It really wasn't terrible 9 years ago. It was on it's way, but I had no way to know then what 9 years would bring. He is not a terrible person. Just not the right person for me. I've grown up a LOT in the past 9 years. I will admit that it was probably not the best decision to have my now 3 year old (he is the best though and I'm glad he's here, I love my son!), but as I've said, I just never believed in divorce. I never thought I'd be in this situation.

Have you talked to him about this? Have you told him you won't put up with it for much longer? Like, put it all out there?

When my husband lost his job, the expectations were quite clear that he should be doing even EXTRA work around the house while I was meanwhile working to support us both. And he did, though he did seem to go through a period of a few weeks where he was depressed and somewhat unmotivated.

I would not be able to live the way you are living. Still.... divorce is difficult, and the idea of paying alimony to him would scare me (and make me angry!) So I agree with others to tread carefully, and consult a lawyer about potential outcomes before doing anything rash.

I told him a few months ago that I was thinking about divorce. We have talked over the years though about making changes, and nothing ever changed. When I mentioned divorce he said he wanted to work it out, and I think he got nervous. I never mentioned divorce before that. He made an effort for a day or 2, but that was it. I really don't want to go there again, because I know how it will end. It's always the same. We talk, changes last a short time, and right back where we started.

 

[Desnik]

OP, I feel so bad for you that you find yourself in this situation. I cannot give advice as to if you should stay or leave but I just want to say that please make sure you have a clear picture of what will happen if you divorce. You will probably have to pay him support. He could very well get custody of your kids and you would have to pay him child support. So your situation really wouldn't change. You would still be financially supporting the family & taking care of everything else in your home. Sure you wouldn't have to look at him sitting on the couch and that alone might be worth everything else for you. Just make sure you go to counceling for yourself because and please don't hate me for saying this but you have been enabling him. You do deserve to be happy but it really does sound to me that your DH is depressed. Even if you do leave him please encourage him to go to counseling. I think you should see a counselor and then a lawyer before you make your decision. Good luck

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you want a divorce then seek counsel from an attorney. Find out the reality of the situation & steps you should take to begin the process.

Does not mean you have to go through with it however you need to find out facts.

Go to counseling yourself if you need to. You need to unload and straighten yourself out to prepare yourself for what lies ahead.

Many hugs to you.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

It sometimes toubles me when some are so cavalier with the lives of others. Your situation is not necessarily similar to that of the OP and what is good for you, or what you think is good for you, is not always best for others.

Assuming that the OP is real, it is AT BEST one side of the story. How you can come to the conclusion that she should get out now requires a bit of ego and a fair amount of carelessness.

OP, I hope that you find the right path. I am not suggesting that divorce is right or wrong for you, but do not let anonymous posters guide you. The DIS is likely comprised of 90% or more women and a fair number of them will automatically take your side. Some are all to willing to pile on a man and assign the label of deadbeat, loser, lazy, or controlling.For this reason you should be wary of the replies you get.

Depending on the laws of your state and the many facts and circumstances to which we are not privy, it is possible that he would get custody and that you would be required to pay child support.

You ask for opinions, you get them. Simple as that. Don't like my answer, don't read it or comment on it. Unless you've been in a similar situation I don't see how your advice would have anymore validity than mine.

 

[MomRN]

I could have written this thread a few years ago with just a few minor changes. From before I was pregnant up until my son was 4 (that's right, close to 5 years) my husband was unemployed. He did go to tech school for 3of those years but never put any effort and didn't graduate.

I was in nursing school getting my BSN, pregnant/taking care of an infant, working several part-time jobs that fit within my sons daycare (yes, that's right, daycare...because my husband didn't want to watch him). We didn't have "relations" for over a year at one point.

Now anyone that knows me knows I'm prety mellow but I do speak my peace and do what I say I'm going to do. I told my husband as soon as our son was old enough to tell me about all his screw-ups I would be filing for divorce (there were a few more words in there) and my husband looked at me and said "I believe it"

Shortyly thereafter he got a job and started doing more around the house and with the kid. Our son is now six. Things right now are pretty good, but it doesn't take much for me to be ready to throw in the towel because there is a lot of resentment that I will probably never get over. I don't know if we'll make it, and all this happened over 2 years ago.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and I wish I could give you hug. It sucks.

 

[junebee]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate them all. It has been therapeutic for me to voice my feelings, and receive input on my situation. I have come to some realizations that I have known deep down but have not been able to say out loud.

I have been enabling him.
Our relationship is predictable, and I fear the unknown.
I love him, but I am not "in love" with him.
If he had agreed with a divorce when we discussed it, I would have been relieved.
Nothing will change. We have had this same discussion many times over the years and it is really like beating a dead horse.
It is in our best interest to separate.

I will seek legal and therapeutic counseling, and get my ducks in a row. I don't think I will pursue anything until he finds a job though. I think I know him well enough to know that we can come to an amicable custody arrangement (I hope), but I can't be sure that he won't pursue alimony. It may take many months before I get the nerve to follow through.

I still don't want to divorce because of what it means, but I also don't want to be married to him anymore.

Thanks again everyone!

 

[mrsklamc]

Nothing will change. We have had this same discussion many times over the years and it is really like beating a dead horse.

This is common, unfortunately. A wife says she's going to leave, etc, and doesn't follow through...and says it again, and again...and the husband thinks it's 'safe' cause she hasn't done it yet...and then he feels blindsided when she actually DOES leave.

Sounds like your mind is made up, OP. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Even though you are no longer going to be married, you might give him a friendly suggestion of getting his testosterone levels checked. It's a common but often untreated cause of depression/lack of motivation in men.

 

[goofyernmost]

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, why would he when he has it so good?

IMO, you ned to jettison the dead weight...cut your losses and move on. I personally wouldn't bother with counseling, but if you feel you need to be able to say you gave it everything you got, tell him either he goes with you to counseling and makes a 180 degree change or his out on his butt. The only acceptable answer to that is "yes dear". Anything else, he's out the door.

But that's just me. I don't suffer fools at all, let alone gladly.

And the sooner the better. I hung on for 29 years and ended up alone because, well, let's be honest, too old to attract anyone and to scared to take another chance.

Sounds like he is struggling with depression.

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but I dealt with that never ending problem for many, many years. You know what? Depression may be a reason for behavior but you cannot make it an excuse. Most of the time we, as spouses become enablers for the depressed individual to never take the steps to help themselves to a better place. I learned first hand that it is much easier for the person to just sit around and have a perpetual pity party then to actually make adjustments to help themselves.

The whole alimony thing concerns me...it would be sooo bad if you ended up having to pay him.

I don't believe I would worry about that very much especially if you maintain custody of the children and their sole support. He may consider himself lucky to just not have to pay child support. But do not completely close that door in a divorce agreement. If he does get back on his feet in any significant way he should be able to help support his children.

 

[hereyago]

It sometimes toubles me when some are so cavalier with the lives of others. Your situation is not necessarily similar to that of the OP and what is good for you, or what you think is good for you, is not always best for others.

Assuming that the OP is real, it is AT BEST one side of the story. How you can come to the conclusion that she should get out now requires a bit of ego and a fair amount of carelessness.

OP, I hope that you find the right path. I am not suggesting t. hat divorce is right or wrong for you, but do not let anonymous posters guide you. The DIS is likely comprised of 90% or more women and a fair number of them will automatically take your side. Some are all to willing to pile on a man and assign the label of deadbeat, loser, lazy, or controlling.For this reason you should be wary of the replies you get.

Depending on the laws of your state and the many facts and circumstances to which we are not privy, it is possible that he would get custody and that you would be required to pay child support.

this in itself is kind of hilarious: I am a female and my mom did not a dang thing : didn't work outside the ho8me and didn't take care of me or the house she is a true spoiled brat narcissist. My dad worked and took me to the bus stop and everything else and allowed her enabled her to do nothing and i7 wished that he divorced her and actually begged him to. He didn't later got cancer and unshockingly enough she refused to take care of him. Now as a female I wouldn't have put up with that kids no kids kids see what is going on. Don't paint one gender with the same brush.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I've done this many times. The last time (last week).... my feet stuck to the kitchen floor, the counters were covered in crumbs, nothing was closed (open cereal boxes laying sideways on the counter), food on the floor, piles of dishes, debris on the carpet, toys EVERYWHERE, dirty clothes right in front of the front door, I won't go on. I walked past it all for a few days (this wasn't the first time) and I finally asked him when he thought he would getting around to cleaning up the mess. He was laying on the sofa watching TV and on his computer. His response was "I'm busy looking for a job, which one do you want?"

In all honestly, and I know we are hearing your one side, I would have kicked him out right there. It just doesn't sound like he wishes to lift a finger, depression or not.

 

[Tiger926]

And the sooner the better. I hung on for 29 years and ended up alone because, well, let's be honest, too old to attract anyone and to scared to take another chance.


I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but I dealt with that never ending problem for many, many years. You know what? Depression may be a reason for behavior but you cannot make it an excuse. Most of the time we, as spouses become enablers for the depressed individual to never take the steps to help themselves to a better place. I learned first hand that it is much easier for the person to just sit around and have a perpetual pity party then to actually make adjustments to help themselves.
.[/B]

Well, people are really quick to throw around the lazy word, when in fact there is actually something causing the 'lazy' behaviour.

OP didn't once mention depression, and I'm sorry, but this sounds like a classic case, and sure enough when OP came back, she said OP said he was depressed. So, what to do? Encourage him to get help for his depression, and if he does not, then she takes her next step, whether that is counselling, separating, etc. I am not saying that OP should enable his behaviour, but I haven't heard much from her in regards to actual help or support for his depression. And by help I mean professional help, and not encouraging him to sit on the couch all day and play video games. But in reality, she can't do much besides seek a separation or divorce, if indeed he refuses to get professional help.

I see so many people on the DIS who are quick to say the husband is lazy, loser or no good, yet he is struggling with a mental health issue. Men don't usually ask for help, so by not offering it, and then just walking away, is not the best way to deal with the situation, IMHO.

If it were a wife struggling with depression, I believe that the advice given on here would be much different than we we have seen in this thread.

OP's hubby is depressed, and guess what? He is disengaged from their life, so she has become as well. She may have decided that divorce is the answer, but right now, she will be divorcing a depressed man, and this may not be the real person who she married. I can't give her advice on whether to get divorced or not, but as someone who has lived with this in a marriage, I would encourage her to provide some other options to her hubby to help him through his mental health issue, besides just divorce. And, if she has been dealing with this for years, as she mentioned, then she herself may not be the same person either - is this her true self? does she really feel divorce is the only option? does she still love him?

Now, perhaps the depression can be used as an excuse, as she herself said that she has grown up, and in that case, then it would seem that the OP's mind is made up to divorce.

Tiger

 

[junebee]

Well, people are really quick to throw around the lazy word, when in fact there is actually something causing the 'lazy' behaviour.

OP didn't once mention depression, and I'm sorry, but this sounds like a classic case, and sure enough when OP came back, she said OP said he was depressed. So, what to do? Encourage him to get help for his depression, and if he does not, then she takes her next step, whether that is counselling, separating, etc. I am not saying that OP should enable his behaviour, but I haven't heard much from her in regards to actual help or support for his depression. And by help I mean professional help, and not encouraging him to sit on the couch all day and play video games. But in reality, she can't do much besides seek a separation or divorce, if indeed he refuses to get professional help.

I see so many people on the DIS who are quick to say the husband is lazy, loser or no good, yet he is struggling with a mental health issue. Men don't usually ask for help, so by not offering it, and then just walking away, is not the best way to deal with the situation, IMHO.

If it were a wife struggling with depression, I believe that the advice given on here would be much different than we we have seen in this thread.

OP's hubby is depressed, and guess what? He is disengaged from their life, so she has become as well. She may have decided that divorce is the answer, but right now, she will be divorcing a depressed man, and this may not be the real person who she married. I can't give her advice on whether to get divorced or not, but as someone who has lived with this in a marriage, I would encourage her to provide some other options to her hubby to help him through his mental health issue, besides just divorce. And, if she has been dealing with this for years, as she mentioned, then she herself may not be the same person either - is this her true self? does she really feel divorce is the only option? does she still love him?

Now, perhaps the depression can be used as an excuse, as she herself said that she has grown up, and in that case, then it would seem that the OP's mind is made up to divorce.

Tiger

He did tell me that he was depressed, but that was only recently. We have been having these issues for over 10 years, and it has gotten progressively worse over these years.

I am not the same person in my mid 30's with 2 kids, as I was at 20 years old.

I have been avoiding the idea of divorce, because I do not like divorce. I do love him, but I just know in my heart that we should not be married to each other.