I think I want a divorce...

[junebee]

I have been with dh for 15 years, and we have 2 young children. He is a good person, and could potentially make someone else very happy, but sadly not me. I have spent the last 10 years trying to see past his faults, but as I mature he does not. I have talked to him about this many many times, and I know that he wants to stick it out, but nothing ever changes.

In many ways he is like a child. I was 20 and he 29 when we started dating. I was working, living on my own, and going to school. He was working, but still living at home with his parents. I guess I was too young too realize that this was mistake number 1.

He has no ambition, and is content to just go with the flow. I am ambitious, and I'm always seeking the next educational pursuit. He has on many occasions made fun of my aspirations and has not been very supportive. I'm not asking him to go to college or pursue the same as me, but he could at least support me in my endeavors.

He has been unemployed for 2 years and there are no job prospects in sight. I have been supporting the household financially and in every other way. I do almost EVERYTHING for the children (clean, laundry, bath, get ready for school and bed, breakfast...). He does the dishes (sometimes) and cooks dinner. I do the yard work, fix things around the house, do the banking, and pay the bills. He lays on the sofa all day, plays on the computer, and watches TV. I work, and I have to do a lot of overtime to make up for the money that he doesn't bring in. He always has his hand out for things he wants for himself. I rarely if ever buy anything for myself. Everything is for the kids. We can't really afford extras like going to the racetrack with his friends, and buying computer gadgets so he can continue to make a dent in the sofa.

I have had many conversations over the years with him about this. Nothing has changed. An example, one day a few years ago while I was 6 months pregnant, I was clearing some ivy from the back yard. It was an ALL DAY event, but we had skunks that had set up shop, and I wanted them gone. He came outside and watched me. I asked him to open a trash bag and hold it for me so that I could put the ivy in it. He said, "That's your project, not mine," and walked away. This has happened in many different scenarios over the years. He is LAZY.

I feel like a single parent. I have talked to him about it, and have even brought up divorce a couple of months ago. He said that he doesn't want to divorce, and we agreed to go to counseling. For a day or 2 he made an effort, but that was it. He is too set in his ways, and I don't think he will change. I just don't think we are right for each other. Although I do love him and will always be his friend, I just don't think we are a good match.

I just don't know what to do. I never ever thought that I would get a divorce. We have 2 young children, we (I mean he) can't afford to move out, we bought the house for more than what it's worth and I really don't want to move the kids. I would be OK with him staying here until he got on his feet whenever/if ever that should happen. Basically, that's what it feels like now anyway. We sleep in separate bedrooms and don't do anything alone together anyway. But eventually I would like to move on. My friend tells me not to make a move until after he's working, because I may have to pay alimony otherwise.

It's hard to think about. I would be leaving a sure thing for the unknown, but after 15 years, there's no question, I know it's over.

 

[Bonnie40]

I'm sorry for your situation...it sounds like you've given this serious consideration and I can completely understand your frustration.....as posters who have been through this always state....make sure you have your 'ducks in a row'....important papers/financial information, etc. and retain a good lawyer......good luck to you!

 

[goofinoff]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it's not easy. While I have not gone through it, many couples close to us have. In fact, my husband's brother and wife are going through it right now after 20 years. No matter what happens between you and your husband please please please put your kids first. I know it sounds stupid to say but with the recent divorces we have seen, each couple has started out saying that the kids come first and then it turns into who can out-lawyer the other and who can stab the other one in the back first. Ugly!

I wish you the best.

 

[bettymae1121]

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, why would he when he has it so good?

You are a single parent, with two little kids and one big one, eating your food and as you said, making a dent in your couch.

IMO, you ned to jettison the dead weight...cut your losses and move on. I personally wouldn't bother with counseling, but if you feel you need to be able to say you gave it everything you got, tell him either he goes with you to counseling and makes a 180 degree change or his out on his butt. The only acceptable answer to that is "yes dear". Anything else, he's out the door.

But that's just me. I don't suffer fools at all, let alone gladly.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

You've let this go on for 2 YEARS??!?!?!
No wonder he thinks his behavior is acceptable - you allow it.

I can't believe you put up with it for this long. I would absolutely NOT allow him to stay in the house until he gets on his feet because it will never happen. You obviously don't need his money or anything he does around the house, so what are you waiting for?

 

[worm761]

I have been with dh for 15 years, and we have 2 young children. He is a good person, and could potentially make someone else very happy, but sadly not me. I have spent the last 10 years trying to see past his faults, but as I mature he does not. I have talked to him about this many many times, and I know that he wants to stick it out, but nothing ever changes.

In many ways he is like a child. I was 20 and he 29 when we started dating. I was working, living on my own, and going to school. He was working, but still living at home with his parents. I guess I was too young too realize that this was mistake number 1.

He has no ambition, and is content to just go with the flow. I am ambitious, and I'm always seeking the next educational pursuit. He has on many occasions made fun of my aspirations and has not been very supportive. I'm not asking him to go to college or pursue the same as me, but he could at least support me in my endeavors.

He has been unemployed for 2 years and there are no job prospects in sight. I have been supporting the household financially and in every other way. I do almost EVERYTHING for the children (clean, laundry, bath, get ready for school and bed, breakfast...). He does the dishes (sometimes) and cooks dinner. I do the yard work, fix things around the house, do the banking, and pay the bills. He lays on the sofa all day, plays on the computer, and watches TV. I work, and I have to do a lot of overtime to make up for the money that he doesn't bring in. He always has his hand out for things he wants for himself. I rarely if ever buy anything for myself. Everything is for the kids. We can't really afford extras like going to the racetrack with his friends, and buying computer gadgets so he can continue to make a dent in the sofa.

I have had many conversations over the years with him about this. Nothing has changed. An example, one day a few years ago while I was 6 months pregnant, I was clearing some ivy from the back yard. It was an ALL DAY event, but we had skunks that had set up shop, and I wanted them gone. He came outside and watched me. I asked him to open a trash bag and hold it for me so that I could put the ivy in it. He said, "That's your project, not mine," and walked away. This has happened in many different scenarios over the years. He is LAZY.

I feel like a single parent. I have talked to him about it, and have even brought up divorce a couple of months ago. He said that he doesn't want to divorce, and we agreed to go to counseling. For a day or 2 he made an effort, but that was it. He is too set in his ways, and I don't think he will change. I just don't think we are right for each other. Although I do love him and will always be his friend, I just don't think we are a good match.

I just don't know what to do. I never ever thought that I would get a divorce. We have 2 young children, we (I mean he) can't afford to move out, we bought the house for more than what it's worth and I really don't want to move the kids. I would be OK with him staying here until he got on his feet whenever/if ever that should happen. Basically, that's what it feels like now anyway. We sleep in separate bedrooms and don't do anything alone together anyway. But eventually I would like to move on. My friend tells me not to make a move until after he's working, because I may have to pay alimony otherwise.

It's hard to think about. I would be leaving a sure thing for the unknown, but after 15 years, there's no question, I know it's over.

No. No. And just in case you didn't understand, NO! Seriously? You just said that he is lazy and lacks motivation. So you want to support your EX husband for the rest of your life? Because if you don't tell him to leave then he will stay, eat your food, use your water, and dent your couch until you get the backbone to kick him out. Why would he leave when he has it so sweet?

Ya wanna know a good motivator? Homelessness and hunger. Someone will take him in. I promise. But they won't give him the free ride that you are giving him. Stop waiting. Do what you know needs to be done and ask him to leave. Do you really think this is a healthy relationship for your kids to see? Do you want your kids to think that the way you are living is NORMAL? Because that is what is happening. You are teaching them that your life is the way things should be.

 

[whoopsiedoodle]

First of all (((((((((hugs)))))))) for you and your situation. It's never ever an easy choice to make, especially after 15 years. It sounds as though you have thought long and hard about your life and what you want/need. If you are at a place to move on then you absolutely should. I would not let him stay in the house if you choose to divorce. Let him figure out how to make it work for himself and you focus on yourself and your kids. Contact a lawyer now and see what happens if you divorce now vs. waiting for him to find work. Weigh the fact that it's already been 2 years. If you have to pay alimony can you have a time limit set on it- say until he finds work or a max of 2 years? Like PP said, get the rest of your ducks in a row: childcare, insurance policies, etc. Good luck!

 

[Tiger926]

Sounds like he is struggling with depression. Have been through this, and everything suffers. Motivation is the number one thing to go with depression.

Did you consider counselling for yourself, couple or him?

He definitely has issues, of which will only get worse, as he can't fulfill his own needs, let alone yours or the kids.

I wish you luck in deciding your next step. Based on what you describe, he will prob just move in with his parents, sibling or friend? So what about living apart in separation for awhile, so you can get your ducks in a row? It must be hard to figure out your future, while he is still there hanging around the house. I would ask him to move out, and see what happens. If he is depressed, then he may need some prodding to get help. Not saying this will save your marriage, but if he is more mentally clear, it will make the whole divorce process a bit easier on you.

Best of luck, Tiger

 

[billdob62]

Personally speaking....you are almost at the divorce or affair stage...which will lead to a divorce and a BIG change in your husband. If an affair happens...it is over for all intents and purposes and regardless of what you or him try...it is gone. My advice, regardless of what you choose, is to put the children first and not use them in ANY way to try and achieve something. You too are the adults, but they will suffer the most. Tell him you want a separation and actually do it. He will have to wake up and reevaluate his life and what is important to him. It might not make things work out between you two, but it will wake him up, and you follow through on what you say you are going to do. He will be everything you want/wanted him to be during this separation, but if you see no real changes in him or his behavior/actions, he will still be the same if he fools you and you let him back.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I say get out now. It won't get easier and it won't get better. Take it from me, I'm still there (unhappy marriage). My only concern is that some judge somewhere might make you pay him spousal support since you've been providing for him all along. Invest in a really good attorney so that doesn't happen. Prayers for you and the children and good luck.

 

[cornflake]

No. No. And just in case you didn't understand, NO! Seriously? You just said that he is lazy and lacks motivation. So you want to support your EX husband for the rest of your life? Because if you don't tell him to leave then he will stay, eat your food, use your water, and dent your couch until you get the backbone to kick him out. Why would he leave when he has it so sweet?

Ya wanna know a good motivator? Homelessness and hunger. Someone will take him in. I promise. But they won't give him the free ride that you are giving him. Stop waiting. Do what you know needs to be done and ask him to leave. Do you really think this is a healthy relationship for your kids to see? Do you want your kids to think that the way you are living is NORMAL? Because that is what is happening. You are teaching them that your life is the way things should be.

As her friend pointed out, may be the way it goes regardless, if he goes after alimony. I assume the friend knows they're in an alimony-friendly state/area.

In which case, may be cheaper to keep him while just doing whatever - can he be moved to a separate 'wing' or something?

 

[junebee]

Thank you all for your support and advice. I think part of me was hoping many of you would say to try and work it out. He has stated at one point a year ago that he was depressed, but this has not been going on for only the 2 years he's been unemployed. As I reflect on our 15 year relationship, it has always been this way. Over the past 10 years or so it has progressed, and when he lost his job it became a daily constant battle.

Like I said, I never thought I'd consider a divorce. I always believed that you marry, buy the house, have kids, and live happily every after. I'm still waiting for that "happily" part. After I read the thread with the poll about being happy in your marriage, I realize that what I have is NOT what a marriage should be. Obviously I know that a marriage has problems, but this just doesn't feel like a marriage to me. As a PP stated, it's like I have 3 kids.

I'm just sooo afraid to make the move that I know I should make. I do care about him and I don't want to hurt him, but I can't live the rest of my life like this. My kids would be devasted if he were to leave. I know if he leaves he'll do whatever it took to come back. But, I know that if he did come back, it would revert back soon enough.

This is sooo hard. I have so much admiration for people who have the strength to make a decision and follow through. Where can I find the strength to do this? In this situation, I have no backbone.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I feel like a single parent.

I don't know the solution to your problem and I'm sorry you are going through this but I wanted to address this issue here. If you feel like a single parent now, it is going to be worse if you get divorced. You are going to have to deal with the new stepmother for your boys (there could be a few potential ones) and your boys will have to deal with your love life. If your husband is lazy *now*, how many child support checks are you actually going to get form him? (I'm dealing with this now in my life). There will be two households and your boys will need two of everything. Divorce sucks(!). I'm not telling you not to get divorced...but I'm telling you that the grass on the other side is high maintenance.

 

[hereyago]

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, why would he when he has it so good?

You are a single parent, with two little kids and one big one, eating your food and as you said, making a dent in your couch.

IMO, you ned to jettison the dead weight...cut your losses and move on. I personally wouldn't bother with counseling, but if you feel you need to be able to say you gave it everything you got, tell him either he goes with you to counseling and makes a 180 degree change or his out on his butt. The only acceptable answer to that is "yes dear". Anything else, he's out the door.

But that's just me. I don't suffer fools at all, let alone gladly.

ITA! And honestly if he hasn't worked in 2 years-and I do know its difficult out there job wisw he would be cleaning cooking taking care of the kids. There is no way would I. Raise agrown man. OP good luck get your ducks in a row consult an attorney.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

It sounds like a terrible situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through that. He needs a swift kick in the pants. Probably wouldn't do any good, but it might make you feel better.

I would not want to advise anybody to get a divorce, but you have to consider yourself at some point. You shouldn't spend the rest of your life being miserable just to keep from hurting the feelings somebody else. Honestly, the guy seems like a bum. Getting a divorce is a road, even if it's an "easy" one, it is never easy (I have been there and done that). I could only imagine how much having kids involved would make the whole thing more difficult.

The whole alimony thing concerns me...it would be sooo bad if you ended up having to pay him.

 

[clm10308]

I wouldnt put up with that either.

Have you started talking with a lawyer yet? Even if you have to pay spousal support, you might be better off with him out of the house.

 

[Sanchez]

I say get out now. It won't get easier and it won't get better. Take it from me, I'm still there (unhappy marriage). My only concern is that some judge somewhere might make you pay him spousal support since you've been providing for him all along. Invest in a really good attorney so that doesn't happen. Prayers for you and the children and good luck.

It sometimes toubles me when some are so cavalier with the lives of others. Your situation is not necessarily similar to that of the OP and what is good for you, or what you think is good for you, is not always best for others.

Assuming that the OP is real, it is AT BEST one side of the story. How you can come to the conclusion that she should get out now requires a bit of ego and a fair amount of carelessness.

OP, I hope that you find the right path. I am not suggesting that divorce is right or wrong for you, but do not let anonymous posters guide you. The DIS is likely comprised of 90% or more women and a fair number of them will automatically take your side. Some are all to willing to pile on a man and assign the label of deadbeat, loser, lazy, or controlling.For this reason you should be wary of the replies you get.

Depending on the laws of your state and the many facts and circumstances to which we are not privy, it is possible that he would get custody and that you would be required to pay child support.

 

[disykat]

I don't know the solution to your problem and I'm sorry you are going through this but I wanted to address this issue here. If you feel like a single parent now, it is going to be worse if you get divorced. You are going to have to deal with the new stepmother for your boys (there could be a few potential ones) and your boys will have to deal with your love life. If your husband is lazy *now*, how many child support checks are you actually going to get form him? (I'm dealing with this now in my life). There will be two households and your boys will need two of everything. Divorce sucks(!). I'm not telling you not to get divorced...but I'm telling you that the grass on the other side is high maintenance.

This is good advice. Think long and hard about what the divorce will look like. Not saying you shouldn't get divorced, but it's not "all done so I'm free and clear."

The FIRST thing you need is legal advice!

 

[Hannathy]

First I'm wondering why you had 2 kids with him if he has had different goals since you married him and knew this . Never will understand this
And I do think you have to think about what would be best for the kids.

Second I think he sounds depressed now on top of how he has always been. When my DH lost his job and was having trouble finding another one he got very depressed and spent about 6 months not do much of anything constructive towards job hunting. He saw psychologist though and after some sessions began being more like himself and went to job networking groups, counseling, etc and within a year found a very good job.

So you need to decide since he has always been different than you but you seem ok with it, then you need to get him to some counseling and see if it is depression. Only then can you "lay down the law" and say you need to contribute.

You also have to decide if you love him or not.

What happens if you just don't do the house stuff? why don't you let it go for a while and tell him it is his job since he is home. That is what I would do.

As far as her paying him, if she is making more money she fairly may have to , just as a man may have to. fair is fair.

 

[junebee]

It sometimes toubles me when some are so cavalier with the lives of others. Your situation is not necessarily similar to that of the OP and what is good for you, or what you think is good for you, is not always best for others.

Assuming that the OP is real, it is AT BEST one side of the story. How you can come to the conclusion that she should get out now requires a bit of ego and a fair amount of carelessness.

OP, I hope that you find the right path. I am not suggesting that divorce is right or wrong for you, but do not let anonymous posters guide you. The DIS is likely comprised of 90% or more women and a fair number of them will automatically take your side. Some are all to willing to pile on a man and assign the label of deadbeat, loser, lazy, or controlling.For this reason you should be wary of the replies you get.

Depending on the laws of your state and the many facts and circumstances to which we are not privy, it is possible that he would get custody and that you would be required to pay child support.

Unfortunately, this situation is "real", though I really wish it were not. I love and care for my husband. He really is a good guy, but he is lazy and unambitious. We have grown apart, and I know that our marriage will not work. Yes, you are only hearing from me, but I am really just stating the facts as they happen, not my interpretation of them.

For example:
I work and have an income. He does not work, and has no income.
I clean, do yard work, fix up the house, care for the kids, and pay the bills. He does not.
While I am working around the house (after working sometimes 12 hours at work), he is laying on the sofa watching TV or on the computer.
When I ask for help, he doesn't.

This really isn't a he said/she said. It's basically, I do and he doesn't. There is really no way to spin that.

I've been a member of the DIS for a few years and respect the comments and advice of others. I appreciate their responses, and that's why I have posted in this forum. As I've mentioned in my previous post, the responses were not what I was expecting. This is a difficult situation for me and I only have 1 friend who knows what's going on. I like hearing about how others have dealt with their problems. It helps me to sort through my feelings, and provides real-life scenarios, not just those I conjure in my head. I generally don't talk to men about these issues, so I would expect that mostly women would respond (though it would be nice to get a male perspective). I am really in a tough situation, I'm scared, and I feel alone. Any advice, comment, or personal story is very much appreciated.