I think I might want another child but.....

[connorlevismom]

I am terrified that mentally, I will not be able to handle it. I know, most people will say I will be fine. But I am serious about it. I honestly have MAJOR doubts that it will be a good decision for me. When I has DS3, I had PPD and had to go on Wellbutrin because I never snapped out of it. I am not depressed anymore but I really get frustrated easily with DS3 and I am afraid if I add another, I will lose my mind. I don't even know what I am expecting people to say, I just wanted to get this out because I don't think my family will understand my feelings. They will just tell me it does not matter, I should have more than one child because having only one is wrong.

I feel like I want more than one, but then I don't. I think I feel I only want another for my sons sake and I don't think that is a very god reason.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Kristine

 

[Traveliz]

Having one for your son's sake isn't a good reason to have a baby especially when you are not feeling comfortable with the decision.

For the record I have one only (she does have a half brother but he is ten years older)....at any rate I have seen many well adjusted happy and content only children....especially where mom was feeling like one was enough for her.

Liz

 

[LadyShea]

We adopted our son and he is almost 2. Everyone asks when we're going to adopt again, and are shocked when I answer "we're not". Although very different than PPD, I found many aspects of adoption (mostly dealing with ethics and relationships) extremely emotionally draining and overwhelming. Also, DS is awesome...he's fantastic. We feel he completes our family by himself.

I don't think you should have another child because it is expected of you by others, and don't think there is anything inherently "wrong" with only children.

If you really really want another, by all means talk to your doctor about PPD before TTC to see if he/she has any advice. Just make sure you are doing so because you feel your family is not complete yet, not because you feel you are "supposed to".

 

[connorlevismom]

I guess I just keep seeing brothers and thinking that I am robbing my son of that. Realistically, I know that having another will not secure him having a friend or even a brother. I think I am just feeling kind of down today about it. I keep hearing from people that some of the things he does (not using his words well) is because he is "the only one at home" I feel like I am doing something wrong.

Kristine

 

[bjscheel]

I think it's more important that his mom keeps her "sanity" than that he have a sibling. Schedule some playdates, spend time playing with him. He needs his mommy to be happy and healthy for him. He will grow up okay.

My DH would love to have a boy, but with the post-delivery problems I have, it's not worth it to risk my health on the chance we might get a boy.

 

[Mkrop]

First off

Do what you feel is right, not what your family says. If you want to have another baby, then talk to your doctor, yes it will be a challenge, dividing your self in two usually is. I love my boys but two some days can make you . I was an only for 10 years, I dont think his behavior is about being an only, it is probably something you need to look at though, maybe you need to be more consistent or follow through more. Expose him to more kids so he learns to share or things like that. DH and his brother are very close in age yet they barely speak. I am 10 and 14 years older than my brothers (mom had medical issues) and for the most part we get along great. So dont fell pressured to do things right away either.

I hope this made sense and I hope you come to the right decision for you and your DH.

 

[Mkrop]

I also reread your post maybe he needs speech therapy and not a baby brother or sister. Has he been evaluated?

 

[connorlevismom]

First off

Do what you feel is right, not what your family says. If you want to have another baby, then talk to your doctor, yes it will be a challenge, dividing your self in two usually is. I love my boys but two some days can make you . I was an only for 10 years, I dont think his behavior is about being an only, it is probably something you need to look at though, maybe you need to be more consistent or follow through more. Expose him to more kids so he learns to share or things like that. DH and his brother are very close in age yet they barely speak. I am 10 and 14 years older than my brothers (mom had medical issues) and for the most part we get along great. So dont fell pressured to do things right away either.

I hope this made sense and I hope you come to the right decision for you and your DH.

That is the thing that bugs me. He is in a daycare center so he is surrounded by kids everyday. I feel like I am doing something wrong as a parent because his communication is lacking. His teacher assures me that #1. he is a boy and they develope later than girls and #2. it is very common for only kids.

There is one thing that may be causing it and we will know next Wednesday if that is the case. He may have a hearing issue in his right ear. That might be the problem with communication. So we will see.

I think I am just having a bad mommy day.


Kristine

 

[Mkrop]

That is the thing that bugs me. He is in a daycare center so he is surrounded by kids everyday. I feel like I am doing something wrong as a parent because his communication is lacking. His teacher assures me that #1. he is a boy and they develope later than girls and #2. it is very common for only kids.

There is one thing that may be causing it and we will know next Wednesday if that is the case. He may have a hearing issue in his right ear. That might be the problem with communication. So we will see.

I think I am just having a bad mommy day.


Kristine

Well we can all have bad mommy days but even if his hearing is clear I would not hesitate to talk to your ped about a speech eval, if it is delayed he gets services if not then it gives you piece of mind that he will get there eventually.

There are many onlies who chat it up bc they are conversing with adults more than kids. DS10 was very articulate and everyone always attributed to him being around adults all the time, I am the oldest so no cousins close by.

And DS4 who had the sibling was tested for speech but by the time they got around to testing him he was chatting up a storm.

 

[connorlevismom]

Well we can all have bad mommy days but even if his hearing is clear I would not hesitate to talk to your ped about a speech eval, if it is delayed he gets services if not then it gives you piece of mind that he will get there eventually.

There are many onlies who chat it up bc they are conversing with adults more than kids. DS10 was very articulate and everyone always attributed to him being around adults all the time, I am the oldest so no cousins close by.

And DS4 who had the sibling was tested for speech but by the time they got around to testing him he was chatting up a storm.

Thanks for the encouragement. He was tested a couple of weeks ago and it came out fine. He has problems pronoucing the letters L and has problems with a B D difference and a P B difference. Maybe he is not hearing those correctly? His teacher says that if she says them very clearly, he understands. But if she says them fast, he does not undertand it.

Kristine

 

[tnkr_bell]

First of all (((HUGS))), it is hard be a Mommy some days. Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth. When a child is age 3 that is not the time to try and decide if you want another. To me ages 2-4 are very difficult to get through and some of the most trying behavior they have. If you can wait a couple of years that might be a better option for you. Secondly, since you've had PPD once you know the signs and symptoms and what to watch for. Hopefully you can keep a closer eye on things and get a jump start on some medication before it gets too out of control. There is nothing wrong with taking something for PPD. Many women have it and are on some sort of anti-depressent for it. So don't feel like you're a bad mom because of that.

Most important though, you need to decide what you want to do and what dh wants. If you truly are happy with only one, then there is nothing wrong with that and your family needs to stay out of it. Maybe you should make the decision to have only one and live with that decision for a while. See how it "feels" and if you think you will be happy with that choice.

Now as far as his behavior and talking. Do you think he understands you when you ask him to do something. At this age I would think he should be able to follow 2 step directions(ie. go get your shoes and put them in your room). Also, can he answer WH questions? (Who, What, Where, When, and Why) If he's having problems with these kind of things then you should get him tested, he might need some speech/language therapy. I've had two kids who have need it and these are just a couple of the important questions they ask. If he can follow directions and answer Wh questions then there might be something else going on. I just wanted to throw a couple of ideas out there for you.

 

[Mkrop]

Thanks for the encouragement. He was tested a couple of weeks ago and it came out fine. He has problems pronoucing the letters L and has problems with a B D difference and a P B difference. Maybe he is not hearing those correctly? His teacher says that if she says them very clearly, he understands. But if she says them fast, he does not undertand it.

Kristine

Well there is a boy in DS4's class who call him "Ukey" instead of Lukey all the time. He is the oldest of two, he does not get speech yet his younger brother does.

 

[Disney 'Ohana]

Every pregnancy, every child is soo different, that being said I experienced that post delivery/postpardum is very different as well with every child. You may or may not experience the same PPD as your first.

What kind of support system do you have?? Maybe you need some friends who are going through something similar & can relate. Maybe an online child/pregnancy support forum.

 

[lalagrace]

I also have a 3 yr old boy at home, and the question keeps popping up as to when we'll have another. In some ways I want to have another. I loved being pregnant, I loved nursing, I love my son. I would love for my son to have siblings to be close to, the way I am to my broter and sister.
But at the same time, I get totally stressed sometimes, and can't imagine having to deal with a infant while having my little man clinging to me. I remeber how much my brother and sister and I fought when we were younger, the havoc, the choas. etc... I just don't think I can handle it, and still be a good mom. I also work as a nurse, I love my job, but the hours are crazy. I don't want to give that up either...
To make matters worse my husband is an only and really wants our son NOT to be.
We have decicded not to decide for another year or so. Buts its hard having to make the choice.
To add to our stress, both my brother and sister are going through fertility issues, so it feels akward for me to say, " I could easily have another, I just dont want to".

 

[SmallWorld71]

Just my 2 cents, but here it is:
1) I am hardly an expert on the subject, but I had postpartum with DS8 (DS12 is my step-son) and things were pretty bad even though he was an easy baby. Then, I was fine with DD4 and she was a colicy screamer. My good friend was just the opposite. So, I don't think there is any way to predict if you will have a problem.

2) Don't feel like it's now or never. As someone whose kids are 4 years apart (both times), it is probably not the easiest way to do it. 4 year olds are very demanding! Waiting a couple of years more can only help with the sibling rivalry, IMO. I teach 1st grade and the ones with infant siblings have nothing but wonderful things to say. Those with 2-4 year olds, not so much.

3) Try not to let other people get you down. Everyone always wants to give advice (that's why we love these boards right!) but if they haven't been in you shoes they can't understand. I always used to frown upon people who "let" their children use binkies or suck their thumb. Now the shoe is on the other foot and I have a 4 1/2 year old who carries around a smelly bunny and sucks her thumb.

4) A child's speech is not a result of good/ bad parenting. If there are concerns, you may want to have him evaluated by a speech pathologist. Most places, this is done through your local public school, but I don't know the exact procedure for your state. Even if he doesn't end up needed services I'm sure they can give you some tips. If he does end up requiring intervention, the earlier the better.
Edited to add: I see you did have an evaluation done. Sorry.

I hope I came off as kind and not preachy as that was my intent. Here are some hugs thrown in for good measure.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Wow, i am sorry. I just have a HUGE problem when people say that having ONE baby is WRONG. I don't even care what text its in.

I can not physically have anymore children, b/c of complications I have had with my "female organs", this saddens me deeply, b/c dh and I always wanted 2 kids FOR US..not just so dd could have a brother or sister, b/c belive me..we have plenty of those, and none of them are sane or talk to us. I would consider the fact that you have some mental instability case enough not to try for the second. It won't be healthy for you or another child. Or your marriage. Even if your hubby is super supportive..how much can one person take? I get the PPD, but you said you were very cranky and found it hard to manage your one child already. Just seems like big red flag to me.
Gosh, not trying to pile on here. This just sounds like an AWFUL idea in all aspects until you are in a healthier state of mind.

 

[connorlevismom]

Wow, i am sorry. I just have a HUGE problem when people say that having ONE baby is WRONG. I don't even care what text its in.

I can not physically have anymore children, b/c of complications I have had with my "female organs", this saddens me deeply, b/c dh and I always wanted 2 kids FOR US..not just so dd could have a brother or sister, b/c belive me..we have plenty of those, and none of them are sane or talk to us. I would consider the fact that you have some mental instability case enough not to try for the second. It won't be healthy for you or another child. Or your marriage. Even if your hubby is super supportive..how much can one person take? I get the PPD, but you said you were very cranky and found it hard to manage your one child already. Just seems like big red flag to me.
Gosh, not trying to pile on here. This just sounds like an AWFUL idea in all aspects until you are in a healthier state of mind.

Just wanted to clarify things about this. I would not clasify myself as mentally unstable and don't feel that I am just because I get cranky with my kid some days. It is not like I sit and scream at him all day long everyday of the week. I just know that *I* feel like I cannot handle things as well as other moms. It may be true, and may be me just feeling insecure. But I don't feel like I am crazy or my marraige would fall apart if we had another one.

Yes, I do find it hard to handle one some days and that is why I wonder if I could handle two. I don't think that means I am mentally unstable.

 

[connorlevismom]

Thank you guys for all your support and for understanding my position

You guys are totally right about everything. Having another so that DS can have a sibling is not the right thing to do. And waiting a few more years is not the end of the world either. I know one thing, and that is that I am NOT afraid to start over. So if DS is 5 or 6 and we decide we want another, then great! But for now, both of us are very happy with the way things are. Neither one of us has a burning desire to have another child so I know that it would not be the rigth thing to do.

Thanks for letting me have a bad mommy day! The PMS does not help either.

Kristine

 

[Janet Hill]

I just know that *I* feel like I cannot handle things as well as other moms.

It's all an illusion. Those moms just hide how overwhelmed they are better.
...at least this is what I tell myself and it works for me.

 

[connorlevismom]

It's all an illusion. Those moms just hide how overwhelmed they are better.
...at least this is what I tell myself and it works for me.

Thanks. That is JUST what I needed to hear! That those moms have just as hard of a time with motherhood as I do. They just don't speak about it because they want to appear they are perfect mothers and have perfect little children.

Kristine