I Really Need Your Thoughts, Prayers, PD, Wishes, Anything New Update-pg 6 - bad day

[MeanLaureen]

Have you ever felt like God really had it out for you? I know people say "God only gives you what he knows you can handle" and of course my stock reply is "I know, I just wish he didn't trust me this much".

Anyway - get ready for a long story that ends with this simple fact - last night we spent most of the night in the ER with my 75 yr old mom after she fell to find out she broke her hip and will be undergoing replacement surgery today.

I know that being said - it's serious enough but it's not THAT horrible, right? She'll be okay. It's just what we are struggling through.

My mom and I have always been close since my dad abandoned us when I was 5 - no support or anything. I have 2 brothers that are considerably older (10 yrs and 15 yrs older) so they were grown or just about grown and on their own anyway. My mom had to go to work full time to put a roof over our heads. Since she was a SAHM that never learned any trades and she didn't go to college, at her age, the only thing she could find was retail. So at 6 I became a latch key kid.

When things got better and I could work myself, I got married young and bought my own house. I had her move in with us because I figured it was my time to take care of her. I didn't want her to pay us money for rent but she insisted. So to make her feel more like she was paying her way she gave us a token amount and was able to use the rest of her salary to do whatever she wanted (usually shopping and buying..lol)

As she got older she finally quit her job working for me (oh yeah, did I mention we were so close that she worked for me full time?) She said the computers did her in. So she became a SAHGM to our dogs.

During this time before she retired I became very ill - as most of you know - with the AOSD. In the beginning I was able to pretty much go on with life as usual. I have an extremely high tolerance level for pain and a even higher stubborn streak. The last couple of years, though, have been really hard and I can see my strength and basically my life being sucked out of me.

My mom was never a fighter when she was sick and has zero pain tolerance. Ever since I can remember she would always say "She wasn't long for this world" or "Had one foot in the grave" - kind of creepy things to hear when you are 8. Anyway, basically I'm saying she gives up at the drop of a hat.

What is weird about that is, she does not "approve" of anyone else getting sick. It wasn't that I would be punished if I got sick as a child but she would get somewhat angry. Then it turned into a competition - if you had something happen, she would have it worse. It was the must frustrating thing. She's always been in denial about me being really sick with the AOSD.

Last year her only sister and only brother both died within maybe 2 months of each other. (she is the youngest of the 3). After that her health hit the fan. She wouldn't take care of herself. She basically wants me to do everything for her. Within a few months time she went from someone that shopped every day to someone that did nothing but sit on a couch and watch Dr. Phil.

As I got sicker rapidly the past 6 months, she has started demanding more and more from me, and gets angry when I just can't do it anymore. I work 45 hours a week to pay for my healthcare. I have pushed myself much further than I am supposed to. I could only do but so much

So it became a competition to her. If I was having difficulty walking, she would to. If my knee was going to be considered for surgery, hers would be so painful she couldn't walk (the dr told her when I took her that she had a touch of arthritis and to take Aleve) When a bad mix of my medicine caused me to have some violent hallucinations - she started to have hallucinations.. it was just a constant back and forth.

She would tell me she couldn't stand up from a chair or get out of the car and I would need to pull her up out - well that would be fine but she would give absolutely no help while I was pulling - it would be like trying to get jello to stand up. I'd ask her to help me because it was hurting me to try to do it alone and she'd say she couldn't yet when she didn't know I was watching I would see her get up out of the chairs with no problem. Everything was like that - when we are looking she would act one way, but when she thought she was alone she would act another.

Another problem is she is obsessed with her weight. Now it's gotten to the point where I was shocked at how she looked once they got her bulky winter clothes off of her. She was becoming skeletal. We make her dinner but I'm getting the feeling that might be why the dogs seem to be getting chunkier. She's got a sugar addition now and won't eat anything unless it is sugar loaded. Her typical days meal would be a bowl of Frosted Flakes and a chocolate cupcake with Pepsi throughout the day as her choice of drink. She got so dehydrated a month or so ago that they couldn't even take blood from her - she hydrated up enough for the doctor and then went right back to her old habits. We try to change how she eats but she is quite "mean" when you try to take her chocolate away..lol

It had gotten to the point where I can barely make it anymore. I can barely hold on myself because my pain has gotten so bad, and I can't do everything she wants me to do. She won't take her medicine like she's supposed to even though I seperate it out for the days (she accuses me of giving her the wrong doseage) - I come home from work and she is sitting in the middle of filth because she won't let the dogs out and then allows them to destroy things in the house and go into rooms they are not allowed in - because it's cute. She watches me cry out in pain at times and then demands more from me.

I know, I know.. I sound like a ungrateful daughter and I guess I'm going to get so flamed for this post. I'm just so tired. I'm tired from pushing myself too hard at work, I'm sick and tired of having every move and now every breath be intensly painful - even to the point where I will admit it. I'm tired of living on painkillers to the point where I am now addicted. I'm tired of being the only one in my house that cares about it (Matt is just fine letting the house go to hell)

I'm just scared of what is next. The doctor says some people just get right up the next day after a hip replacement like she's getting and they learn to walk again quickly. Some people end up in rehab (or as he whispered to me "nursing home") because they don't have the will to get better. I know she's not going to try. She's given up. I can't let her go to a nursing home though. But how can I work and take care of her? I have to work because my medical bills are about 2/3rds of my salary at times WITH my insurance (I take about 25 pills daily and even with copay its a lot of money) You are probably wondering about my brothers - well, they only show up when they want to - one a couple of times a year and the other can go for 3-4 yrs with no show and only call maybe 3 times a year. Why? They have kids to take care of and since I don't.. it's my job. Of course according to them I should do more than I do. How could I have let her fall?

Sighh.. this post has gone on way too long. I just needed to get it out. I have tried, really I have. I'm just tired. and scared. and worried. and I feel helpless.

Please keep my mom in your prayers or thoughts and if you have a little left over, keep a good thought for me to find a way to make everything work out.

thanks for reading my whining

 

[Pop Daddy]

hey I will pray, and as a tribute to your daily polls I read the long post

 

[Towncrier]

Prayers, PD, Wishes, and Hugs coming your way. I always get upset when people throw out that quote about "God never giving you more than you can handle". I never understood why people think that helps. Prayers that some of your problems are resolved in the coming days.

And what the heck is wrong with a messy house?

 

[snuggles]

Laurie, how can anyone flame a loving daughter who is doing everything she can? My prayers are with you, your mom and Matt. Hang in there...

 

[ScarlettO]

((hugs))

Laureen ...is she old enough for medicare coverage? If so she can stay 26 or so days in a Hospital with a rehab wing...then an additional 26 days in a full time re-hab Hospital. This is what happened to my Mom when she had her stroke. So that gives you almost 2 months to get a break for yourself. Talk with the social worker at the Hospital to get more specifics. (hugs)

 

[pumba]

I am so sad for you and your predictament......we could be talking about the same moms.........first of all.....if your mom (most likely) will go to a rehab to recoop after her surgury......and if she can't fend for herself......yes a nursing home facility is the best choice......you know that the last two weeks this has cropped up in our home.....and we are always going to be the bad guys......just think if she does go to a home......she will get the right foods at the right time.....she will get her meds at the right time....this is what is keeping us going right now.......the right reasons Lauri....I am writing this here cause you DON"T ANSWER YOUR PMS.....hahaha......please if you ever want to crab ....voice an opinion.....please just do it......I am always here some time of the day......hugs lauri

 

[deedee67]

I will send good wishes to you and your mom. Please know that you are not whining and you do not deserve to be flamed for complaining. You have an awful lot on your plate and you need to be able to vent. I think that sometimes just venting can make you feel a little better. It is so hard to watch someone that you love and admire start to fail. Your mother was so strong for you as a child and it difficult to see her so changed. Just know in your heart that you have done the right thing for her and will continue doing the right thing. I do think you need some time for yourself. Maybe you can treat yourself to something special. You deserve it!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Very sorry to hear that, Lauri. My best wishes, along with prayers, that your mom will do well with her hip replacement, recover well, and maybe, just maybe, snap back a bit to reality. Growing old can be tough, and can also be tough on those in the support system, like you. My best and prayers are with you too, Lauri, that your aches and ills improve, and that those things which hinder them, along with those in your support system, turn around a bit and alleviate your concerns too.

My best that your days ahead are brighter.


PS: Maybe get that Chicago Mickey out and punch him (j/k ) Again, Lauri, my best, with prayers

 

[Jeafl]

Lauri, I can't imagine anyone flaming you. My first thought was how selfish your MOTHER was being, not you. Have you ever told her how her behavior is affecting you? I'm sure all the stress can't be good for you. Maybe it is time to come out and tell her that you just can't do it anymore and that you will support her in any way you can finding a new home for her.

I would look into what Scarlett said about the medicare coverage for a rehab stay.

This is truly a horrible situation, and I really wish you the best in finding a solution. I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[JerseyJanice]

You are handling an awful lot.

I agree with Scarlett. A nursing home sounds like the best place for her to be while your mom recooperates from the surgery.

In the meantime, let all this out to the hospital social worker, and let her tell you what resources are available to you. You may be pleasantly surprised at what your community is doing for its senior citizens and what it can offer your mom.

Good thoughts and best wishes to you and your mom.

 

[TLinden16]

Hang in there, Lauri. Lots of hugs, good thoughts, and prayers are on the way!

Karen

 

[BWVDenise]

Wow, that's a lot for one person to handle. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

[Disney Doll]

First, let's do the housekeeping part of the situation, as there are several issues here:

1. Your Mom broke her hip. Whether she likes it or not, that is going to mean a hospital stay + rehab. If she is medicare eligible, Medicare does pay for that type of care. If she is not Medicare eligible, then she needs to get Title 19(Medicaid) coverage in the works ASAP. In any event, talk to the social worker/discharge planner at the hospital where she is being treated, as they can help you with that part of the plan.

2. You have spent quite a few years playing the "good daughter" to a woman who doesn't sound very grateful or appreciative. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I know it's difficult to see when you are in the situation, but ask yourslf this question:"Would I tolerate this behavior from anyone else?" She is your mother, quite true, but that is no reason for you to make yourself a doormat and make yourself more ill with your own health issues. I know you are angry at your brothers for their lack of attention, but perhaps they have been able to see more clearly than you the havoc your mother's personality is wreaking. She raised you by yourself after your father left...well, you know what, she had kids and they were her responsibility and she did what she had to do. She chose to have children, and chose the responsibillity that comes with them. You no longer have to "pay her back" for what she did for you.

3. Speak to her MD about having psychiatric, neurological, and nutrtional consults while she is in the hospital, as a portion of your mother's behavior sounds like depression or perhaps dementia, or an electrolyte imbalance due to poor nutrition...more common in the elderly than people think! Her diet doesn't sound very calcium-rich, so her hip may have broken causing her to fall rather than the fall causing the broken hip, if you see what I mean...kind of like "which came first?" There could also be an organic problem(ie-stroke)that has caused her behavior. It is possible that someone could have a minor, almost undetectable, stroke, but if it's in the right "area" of the brain, can cause personality changes.

4. If she is not a "fighter", there is nothing you can do about that. You cannot control another person's behavior, or their reaction to events in their life. All you can control is your own. It is so hard when our parenst became older and sick, because we want them forever and the inevitability of losing them becomes much more pronounced when there is a health issue looming. Change your perspective...your mother is 75, her health has been failing for a few years, perhaps her perception is that she has no quality of life. Perhaps "giving up" is the best thing for her to do for herself. Perhaps she sees herself as having lived her life, and raised her family to the best of her ability and done the best she can, and she's "finished". There is something to be said in favor of that...in favor of controlling your destiny and making your choices. I have had this conversation with my parents on numerous occasions...thank God they are healthy right now, but I am very well aware of what they want and don't want when the time comes that they become ill. I have cared for many people who have decided that enough is enough, it's time to go. It's a choice, and we have to respect it.

5. Perhaps consider talking to someone yourself, even as a pressure-relief valve. You sound as if you have been under mountains of stress.

I will keep your mothe r in my prayers that she finds peace and no pain. I will keep you more in my prayers that you find dtrength to do the things you need to do.

 

[Serena]

Lauri, I don't know what to say. You have so much to deal with. I'm really sorry.
I will say a prayer for your mom, you and your family.

 

[Keli]

I don't really know you but as I was reading your post I kept thinking that you are anything but an ungrateful daughter. Quite frankly, you sound like someone that has went far beyond the call of duty in regards to your mom. I am very close to my mom and I would do a lot for her but I am not sure I would handle what you are going through very well either.
Your mom sounds immature and somewhat selfish and you really don't need that on your plate along with your own illness. I would let your mom go to a nursing home temporarily after her surgery. Let her know it's only until she is recovered enough that you can take care of her. And then use the time she is gone to get your house in order. You really should spend some time organizing stuff and then hire someone to come in and clean the whole thing for you. Then when your mom comes back you'll be starting with a clean slate (takes longer for things to get out of hand that way) and maybe with some rest your condition will improve.
I will say that although I don't mention it much on the boards my dh is living with a very painful autoimmune (sp?) condition and I know how chronic pain can wear a person down physically and mentally. You are showing remarkable courage and will-power in your life.

 

[ripleysmom]

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[CarolA]

This is going to sound cruel, but you have NO choice. Your mom is going to need more help then you can give her. It may very well be time to consider a nursing home or other institution.

At a minimum you have got to get some help. Find the social worker at the hospital and go over your mother's behavior with them. They need to know this, becuase I am pretty sure that she is NOT going to get up and walk. THey are going to have to DRAG her out. Also, you might want to talk to them about the possiblity of some at home assitance for her.

Actually if she is not motivated taking her home for re-hab is the WORST. My family did that with my Grandmother. Who then sat in the sunroom and had people do stuff for her. Outcome was NOT as good as it should have been since she did not MOVE enough. Some people need professional yellers and trust me some PT people can really let them have it. (I have SIL for one and she is very nice, but will get mean if that is what it takes!)

I LOVE my mother dearly. That said I have already started warning her. I saw what her mother did to her, if that nonsense starts she is NOT living with me. I know this sounds harsh, but you don't owe your parents anything. I am not from a family that believes kids are born to take care of thier parents. Especially not at the risk of YOUR health. It sounds like it is time to put YOU first.

 

[4greatboys]

So sorry for all thats going with you nd your mom. Check with her insurance about a visiting nurse or aid. Many time they will pay for that and surely its much cheaper for them than a nursing home. That way the aid can do many of the big things and maybe have more luck getting your mom to try things or do things.
I dont think your an ungrateful daughter either, sounds like your mom is trying to get some extra attention or be the center of of. Dh mom is not a bad person but she does like to be the center of attention. You cant help but get annoyed sometimes, doesnt make you bad, just human.

 

[ead79]

Lauri, I am so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I will certainly pray for you and your mom. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Kitty 34]

Lauri, I feel so bad for what you're going through.


{{{{{HUGS}}}} and prayers being sent.