I REALLY need some advice/harsh words/a reality check...

[starrzone]

I need to talk with other people who've been/are being strung along by an ex/fling/SO, whatever. Don't be afraid to pull punches; I know I can count on DISers to tell me what they REALLY think!

VERY short version of a longer story: SO separated from his ex-wife in July 2007. Started talking to a woman (B) at work. Began a relationship with her in Fall 2008. She "broke it off" (this is important later) in very late 2008/very early 2009. I met SO online in mid-Jan. 2009. We started a relationship, but he admitted to me that he still had feelings for B and still talked, texted a LOT, e-mailed her, etc. (I know, I know. I should have jumped ship here, but I had had a very, VERY hard situation in Summer 2008 and needed to know that someone "wanted" me).

They had a "falling-out" in May 2009, and he didn't communicate with her (that I know of ) until August. In September, we had a pretty emotional "talk". He was going to let me get all my things from his place (I didn't move in, but had a "drawer" and some stuff scattered around). He wasn't in love with me, didn't have those feelings, and didn't feel "it". He wanted to move on and find someone else.

Here's where I know I'm going to get the "I told you so's" ), and that's OK, I deserve them!!!)- we continued seeing each other regularly until the end of May. My stuff was still there, and we were getting along great. I KNOW for a FACT that he and B were NOT going to get back together (she got engaged, and HE was too hurt by what SHE had done to him). He sent me an e-mail at the beginning of June that stated "Just to let you know, I put my profile back up on Plenty of Fish". At least he was honest, right? And we kept talking, and getting together..he invited me over when he had the kids, and we watched "our" TV shows...up until 10 days or so ago. That's when he went back to work after vacation. He's had a couple dates with a woman since then, and they’re going on a mini-vacation (2 or 3 days) next weekend, but that's another post entirely...

Am I a complete idiot? How do I sever emotional and physical ties with someone who was such a big part of my life for a year and a half? DID he string me along? Is it my fault for getting myself into this emotional mess?

I really don't know what to do...well, I do...I told him tonight, point blank "We've continued to be physical long after we said we weren't going to. You've invited me over to watch our shows, and it has continued. If you're going to go away with this woman this weekend, chances are that you'll be physical with her. I am NOT going to keep visiting you and being physical with you if you're going to be physical with someone else". That was hard for me to do, since I admit I'm an insecure person when it comes to guys. I STILL wonder what I did so that he doesn't love me...

If you're still reading, thank you . I'll try and answer each and every question honestly, if there are any. I just need someone other than family (and my psychologist; I suffer from depression and anxiety on top of all of this!) to sort of sound off on.


P.S.- For Christmas he got me a toll bridge pass (they're not cheap here!), a "The Office" (one of our shows) bobble head, a Sudoku book (I'm absolutely addicted), and some of our favorite candy. I LOVED the gift, but then I came across the gift he had given B and that she had rejected (and that he for some reason kept and stuffed behind some other stuff in the garage). $75, $25 and $10 gift certificates, a snow globe, and some assorted items that had meant something to them when they were together (Tic Tacs, peanut butter crackers. etc.). THAT made me mad, yet I STILL continued to see him...

 

[Jennasis]

Ahhh...well you already know you have to cut him from your life. I won't beat you over the head with that.

No wait.

BREAK UP WITH HIM AND MOVE ON.

You deserve better. Someone who gives as much as you. He isn't it. He isn't even close. You don't need him. Really you don't. Surround yourself with friends. Go out with your girlfriends, or visit family. Heck, go to the movies alone. Learn to love you again and forget this piece of trash.

 

[starrzone]

Ahhh...well you already know you have to cut him from your life. I won't beat you over the head with that.

No wait.

BREAK UP WITH HIM AND MOVE ON.

You deserve better. Someone who gives as much as you. He isn't it. He isn't even close. You don't need him. Really you don't. Surround yourself with friends. Go out with your girlfriends, or visit family. Heck, go to the movies alone. Learn to love you again and forget this piece of trash.

I think this is the key...I DON'T love myself because I keep thinking "What did I do wrong? Should I not have done/said XYZ, and then he'd still want me?" Vicious circle, I know.

 

[hereyago]

I am 42. And i learned a lesson early on actually from older guys who were essentially my brothers from different mothers.

Unless someone tells you that they are just going to see you, it is all fair game. I would never leave any of my stuff at someone's house unless there was a defined monogamous relationship.

You sound like when you met him you were in a vulnerable state and as you wrote you needed someone to want you. Move on.

 

[nmmom95]

Ahhh...well you already know you have to cut him from your life. I won't beat you over the head with that.

No wait.

BREAK UP WITH HIM AND MOVE ON.

You deserve better. Someone who gives as much as you. He isn't it. He isn't even close. You don't need him. Really you don't. Surround yourself with friends. Go out with your girlfriends, or visit family. Heck, go to the movies alone. Learn to love you again and forget this piece of trash.

I've been trying to come up with a way to say this and keep editing it. I really couldn't say it better than this.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

I would suggest removing his email, phone number, etc from your computer and cell phone now.

He chose someone else to be physical with over you (he's going away this weekend with someone else from POF and from what I'm told, that's pretty much what that dating service does, hook up people for sex)

Block his email now, and don't speak to him again.

It will only get rougher from this point on and you will only get hurt worse.

 

[starrzone]

I am 42. And i learned a lesson early on actually from older guys who were essentially my brothers from different mothers.

Unless someone tells you that they are just going to see you, it is all fair game. I would never leave any of my stuff at someone's house unless there was a defined monogamous relationship.

You sound like when you met him you were in a vulnerable state and as you wrote you needed someone to want you. Move on.

He's told me HE was in a vulnerable state when we met, and I was, too...I think it was a recipe for disaster from the beginning! I need to stop having one-night stands that go on for way too long...*sigh*

I've been trying to come up with a way to say this and keep editing it. I really couldn't say it better than this.

You know, I'm the kind of person who needs to hear the same thing over and over and over for it to really sink in. Thanks for reiterating what the PP said

 

[Skywalker]

We started a relationship, but he admitted to me that he still had feelings for B and still talked, texted a LOT, e-mailed her, etc...

He wasn't in love with me, didn't have those feelings, and didn't feel "it". He wanted to move on and find someone else....

He sent me an e-mail at the beginning of June that stated "Just to let you know, I put my profile back up on Plenty of Fish"....

... DID he string me along? Is it my fault for getting myself into this emotional mess?

I just pulled out those top three quotes to show you that it sounds like he was nothing but honest with you...VERY honest! So for you to ask that question, "Did he string me along?" doesn't make much sense to me. I think it will be a good thing for you to remember going forward though, to really hear what people are saying, not just what you want to hear.

 

[Magic Mom]

You asked. You are his extremely convenient, trusty booty call. He was truthful and told you the deal, and you said, "OK, I'll play," for way too long. Do you believe in your heart that this is the kind of relationship you want and deserve? If not, then gather up all you will power and strength and break ties with him. Then figure out why you were so willing to put up with being used. Maybe a therapist, or a close friend can help you. Good luck.

 

[WDWBarb]

If repetition helps...

Forget this one and move on!!

Ok, easier said than done.

You are worth more and worthy of someone who loves you. Divert your energy and attention to something else. Time really does heal. Look forward to the person who makes you look back on this guy and say, "What the heck was I thinking?!?"

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I agree with the others here, and I think you know what is best for you too. You have got to get this guy out of your life, he is holding you back. No one deserves to be done this way, and it sounds like you have been used enough. Remove all phone numbers, email and all of that and do NOT take his calls anymore.

My mom always told me to go with your gut. I think your gut is telling you the same thing we are, or you would not have started this thread.

 

[starrzone]

I would suggest removing his email, phone number, etc from your computer and cell phone now.

He chose someone else to be physical with over you (he's going away this weekend with someone else from POF and from what I'm told, that's pretty much what that dating service does, hook up people for sex)

Block his email now, and don't speak to him again.

It will only get rougher from this point on and you will only get hurt worse.

Argh...I KNOW in my heart that I have to do this, but he's told me that I helped him through an extremely difficult personal time in his life (and I know I did. It just felt nice to be appreciated...). Phone calls, talks, crying on both parts, texts, just being there for him...it'll be so, SO hard to cut things off... but you're right...plus, I'm probably moving away within 1 year. He can't go anywhere because of his kids.

I just pulled out those top three quotes to show you that it sounds like he was nothing but honest with you...VERY honest! So for you to ask that question, "Did he string me along?" doesn't make much sense to me. I think it will be a good thing for you to remember going forward though, to really hear what people are saying, not just what you want to hear.

Don't hear just what you want to hear...that's good advice. If I HAD followed that back in September, I wouldn't be here right now! I heard from him (i.e. back in September) "I'm not in love with you and never will be. We’ll never be more than friends. I'll pack up your stuff, or you can come get it. I'll be looking for someone else eventually, but we're never going to go any further than this". What I CHOSE to hear was "I'm emotionally vulnerable right now, and need your shoulder to lean on, even though I'm dumping you". I'm an idiot...

 

[Imzadi]

starrzone,

You & I have talked about relationships before. I know your post was full of details about him. You know what I am going to say: This isn't about HIM. Learn to love, honor & take care of yourself.

When you concentrate on yourself and treating yourself better

, the rest will sort itself out. You won't pick guys who put you fourth on his list. Right now, you found a guy who considers you as contemptible as you find yourself. You won't accept less than what you deserve when you start believing you deserve more. You will remember that each bad experience is a scar on your heart, and you won't do that to yourself any more. The long term effects are greater than the short term hugs, lies & kisses.

You said, "I needed to know that someone "wanted" me." When are you going to want you enough to give yourself a great relationship with yourself?

"I STILL wonder what I did so that he doesn't love me" What are YOU doing to prove you love YOU?

"How do I sever emotional and physical ties with someone who was such a big part of my life for a year and a half?" You have severed your own relationship with yourself for what 29(?) years now? Become your own BFF.

You beat your own self up every time you go out with a guy like this. It's all over your post. And you asked for other people to beat you up. too. STOP. Love yourself.

Go eat a bowl of non-fat ice cream

, take a soothing bubble bath.

Treat yourself lovingly.

Treat yourself like the princess you truly are.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Argh...I KNOW in my heart that I have to do this, but he's told me that I helped him through an extremely difficult personal time in his life (and I know I did. It just felt nice to be appreciated...). Phone calls, talks, crying on both parts, texts, just being there for him...it'll be so, SO hard to cut things off... but you're right...plus, I'm probably moving away within 1 year. He can't go anywhere because of his kids.



Don't hear just what you want to hear...that's good advice. If I HAD followed that back in September, I wouldn't be here right now! I heard from him (i.e. back in September) "I'm not in love with you and never will be. We’ll never be more than friends. I'll pack up your stuff, or you can come get it. I'll be looking for someone else eventually, but we're never going to go any further than this". What I CHOSE to hear was "I'm emotionally vulnerable right now, and need your shoulder to lean on, even though I'm dumping you". I'm an idiot...

He is an idiot. Did you ever find out what happened with his wife, and why they broke up? I bet if you did, it would be something along the same lines, and you would need to hear it from HER. People don't change to much.

The post above me is perfect. Read it over & over. You do need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

 

[sms]

HE WILL NOT CHANGE!!! Please don't waste anymore of your time with him. Move on. You will feel much better about yourself when you do, And, you'll will wonder why in world you stayed in it as long as you did! I have been there! You will be a much better person without him!!

 

[Handbag Lady]

We've all had them. The ones that are wrong for us but something just can't get us to break it.

BREAK IT.

Dump him. Block his calls. Block his emails. Move on. You deserve someone who wants to concentrate on you and a relationship with you.

I'm sure he was loving being able to "be physical" with you with no restrictions, limitations, or connection. I'm fairly certain he was with other women because of what you wrote. You broke up and still was there for him. How does that make you feel? Yes, I know. I've been there.

Trust me on this. There are better men out there. Go find yourself one.

 

[Imzadi]

I would suggest removing his email, phone number, etc from your computer and cell phone now.

He chose someone else to be physical with over you (he's going away this weekend with someone else from POF and from what I'm told, that's pretty much what that dating service does, hook up people for sex)

I just pulled out those top three quotes to show you that it sounds like he was nothing but honest with you...VERY honest! So for you to ask that question, "Did he string me along?" doesn't make much sense to me. I think it will be a good thing for you to remember going forward though, to really hear what people are saying, not just what you want to hear.

You asked. You are his extremely convenient, trusty booty call. He was truthful and told you the deal, and you said, "OK, I'll play," for way too long.

The fact that he didn't even have to lie to you, and pretend to be anything else than he is and what he is doing is ultimate gravy for him.

Some women are addicted to bad relationships. The guys even advertise themselves truthfully as bad, and those women line right up.

You are like Lindsay Lohan, right now, who can't go to a party or bar without drinking. You can't even go over to his place to pick up your drawer of stuff, because you will get right into it again. The short term high you get from these relationships will suck you right back in again. You think what you feel right now is specific to this guy. The truth is, he is interchangable. It is the high you want from this guy or any of these bag relationship guys.

There can't possibly be anything of greater value than yourself, that you need to go back and retrieve from that drawer. Everything in that drawer is probably replaceable.

 

[C.Ann]

You know what you need to do - and you deserve better..

 

[Imzadi]

but he's told me that I helped him through an extremely difficult personal time in his life (and I know I did. It just felt nice to be appreciated...).

What I CHOSE to hear was "I'm emotionally vulnerable right now, and need your shoulder to lean on, even though I'm dumping you". I'm an idiot...

You get your self esteem from men. You need to give it to your self.

 

[MouseJunkie]

Oh have I been there and 7 months post the FINAL breakup, I'm still picking up the pieces. What's he doing now? Who knows? Who cares!? It's ALL about ME now!!!! That selfish self-centered little boy can lie in the bed he made, while I remind myself every day that I'm smart, strong, independent and beautiful and I deserve a guy who will let me know every day just how wonderful I truly am!!!! I'm on the hunt and I won't settle for anything less. Neither should you!!!

Yeah, I had a guy who strung me along off an on for about 6 years and then one day he finally came to me and said I'm the "one" and we would get married. Then 9 months later I found myself moving out of his place, after I found out he'd been seeing his ex behind my back and lying to me about it. He left me for her once before. Yeah, I know, I gave him a 2nd chance. No more chances....EVER!! In the end, he left me and said he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. I think they can't possibly love you all the way because they still love someone else. Their hearts are not free.

Anyway, that's my theory. My point is don't let him hold you back from realizing YOUR dreams for another minute. It's going to hurt more the more time you invest in them. Let him go and make it all about YOU from here on out. Know it's hard to delete someone out of your life that you care about so deeply, but learn to love and care about yourself far more!!!