I needed a place to vent...

[poppinspal]

and maybe someone has advice on dealing with girls/young ladies like this. (I've come here to vent not knowing where else I could vent.) I will never understand girls/young women. Everyone knows how crazy about each other my bf and I are. We have discussed our future together and are both very serious about this relationship. We've got one of those family cell phone plans now(don't ask me why this seemed like a serious step to me) and we're talking about moving in together. (We'd be doing this sooner rather then later if it weren't for the fact that I'm really unhapppy with my job and want to figure out where I'm going before we move. I don't want to move into a place then have a change in salary. This may not make sense to some but it's a way of making me feel secure.) I have no doubts in him or our relationship.

But then there are a few girls that we unfortunately have in our circle of people we go out with. I wouldn't even call them friends because they don't deserve that title, they're friends of friends. Well they like to cause trouble not just for me but for everyone. They think that being a b**** is a good thing. They judge you in the first few seconds they meet you and if you don't fit in right away they'll go out of their way to let you know. Well one of these girls had seemed to accept me eventually, I think when she realized I wasn't going any where. So she's added me on myspace (which I'm starting to think is horrible) and then recently when I created one for my boyfriend she added him. Well no big deal. Well I have to admit she's done plenty to make me not trust her as a friend of mine or my boyfriends and he's seen it as well. Then today she leaves him a comment about her birthday and all this stuff and how it was "their weekend." Well the funny part is that her birthday was the first night they met and he had to drive her home and carry her to her apartment because she and her friends got too drunk. So now she's making these comments on his myspace about how that's their weekend. Plus she's saying she could have used him this past weekend to take care of her because she was that drunk again.

Now I know my bf would never do anything with her/anything to hurt me. I also know that he cares about me more then anyone else. Any free time he has he likes to spend it with me even if we just watch tv. So I want to stress this isn't me thinking he's doing anything wrong. This is me wondering why she feels the need to make comments like that. I know her boyfriend WHO IS FIGHTING OVER IN IRAQ right now would not like it too much. I know her bf is away right now but he's serving our country and I feel she should show a little loyalty to him. (Not that if he was home she shouldn't be loyal but I don't know I feel like she uses his absence as an excuse.) Maybe had she worded it differently I wouldn't have found it so insulting. I'm going to bite my tongue on this because I don't want to start trouble but why is it that some girls aren't considerate of other girls? Plus I'm not really sure why she sees being a b**** as a good thing. I don't find that something to be proud of. Being a strong female is a good thing but you don't have to be a b**** to be strong. I think maybe that's something these girls(and other girls of my generation, not all but some) are not getting.

It also annoys me that she and some of her friends(guys included) see my boyfriend and at times myself as their babysitter. We only go out to bars with them one day a week(they go almost every day) because we are moving away from that life style. We don't enjoy paying way too much money to go drinking every night and then end up sick on the side walk. We're saving our money for other things. We're 24 and 28, maybe lots of kids our age still are all about partying but we're not. We both had our wild and crazy stage and now we enjoy just relaxing.

Maybe I'm silly for getting annoyed by this girls simple comment but I just had to vent.

 

[Caradana]

Hey there,

We're 26 and 29 and we just got our first place together. I empathize with some of what you've written.

Honestly ... I'd totally write off her comments. Who cares? She gets drunk a lot and now she's lightly flirting with your boyfriend because she's lonely and bored. It's mildly offensive, but if you truly trust your boyfriend, it's not a big deal at all.

Do you have friends that you do like/trust? I get a sense from your post that these events might be exacerbating your own feelings of loneliness, of "not feeling accepted."

Hope that helps.
D

 

[Makdyn]

Delete her from your mans myspace and have him go private. Also when out with these groups of friends be casual to her like hi how are you and good bye see you next time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am 41 and women are still catty, so it doesn't end. Have to learn the best way to deal...

So you have choices to make. Sit down with BF and talk to him. Tell him your feelings. Discuss your options and agree how to handle these people. (It is good practice for IN-LAWS and HOLIDAY'S )

1) Closing the MySpace accounts.
2) Both of you ask her, (together in front of witnesses), to take the info off of her MySpace account. Maybe gather up some friends to get your back and also so she cannot lie about what went on.
3) You guys plan things without them. Figure out how to do that. Maybe instead of a bar go do something else.
4) Or something else that works for you two. Key is to talk to BF and agree on what you do.

 

[smilie]

We had a girl like this in our circle of friends. Totally disregarded my feelings and flirted heavily with DH. I'd finally had enough of it and confronted her. She of course apologized at the time, but continued on in the same manor. Dh finally said that we should just stop hanging around her. He saw how uncomfortable it made me (even though I trust him completely and knew it was only one-sided). So we just cut her out completely. It wasn't a big loss, a friend of a friend like in your case.

 

[poppinspal]

Do you have friends that you do like/trust? I get a sense from your post that these events might be exacerbating your own feelings of loneliness, of "not feeling accepted."

D

For the most part I do write them off but I think today was just kind of the point where I went... I'm a little sick of this. You're probably right though, her actions do exacerbate some of my feelings. I think maybe not of loneliness but of feeling like she's attacking me. My boyfriend and I just ignore her because we don't like to get involved with drama or create it for anyone who is a mutual friend of ours. But she doesn't do the same and she's just constantly doing things to make me feeling like an idiot. I hope that made a little sense.

But deleting her from my bf's or my myspace will only cause issues. Plus I would never change anything on his without him asking me to. I am thinking that it's time for me to make my mine close friends and family only. (It's how my sister and I keep in touch while she's at school.) I will also sit down with my boyfriend tonight and explain how I feel. I think just because of all the things him and I have coming up (and she's going away soon) we'll have a little break from seeing her. I'm sure that will help some. But I think we've both known for awhile that she and her best friend have become people who we don't need in our lives.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Delete her from your mans myspace and have him go private.

She's not his mother.

 

[poppinspal]

Well I thought I'd come back and share what just happened. My boyfriend called me and was very annoyed. He was on the phone with his bestfriend whose girlfriend had recently broken up with him. (His gf is friends with the girl causing me to be upset.) He said the reason his gf broke up with him is because her friends kept telling him how he was no good. (I lost almost all respect for her now.) He also said that the girl who left the comment on my bf's myspace has been talking about me behind my back. (If you don't like me don't pretend to like me, it's easier that way.)

I didn't want to have this talk since we were on the phone and not in person but it felt like it couldn't wait. So he and I decided that I should delete my myspace and just tell everyone something happened to it. Then I will start a more private one for him and my sister(and friends I trust) to read. He and I agreed that he shouldn't delete her because it might start more trouble then it was worth.

He also told me that he thought I was amazing for putting up with this and not turning around and screaming at her. (As much as I want to and as he admitted he'd probably do if he were in my shoes.) There was also a bunch of mushy stuff. But I guess in the end their immature treatment of me reminded me how well my bf and I work together and how united we are as a couple. So I guess I can say there was a bright side to all this.

 

[minniecarousel]

It's good that you got that "talked out". Isn't it nice to know that you two are on the same page.

My older son & his fiancee have a large group of friends, who meet most weekend nights at a bar. But, they're getting away from that a little (saving $$ for the wedding!) and now they're doing things, like cooking dinner at home, with just one couple at a time. Perhaps that's the way you'll go - finding a few couples to hang out with.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

May I ask how old you guys are?

 

[AprilShowers]

I see a tiny little red flag here. I know your BF doesn't want to cause trouble, or make a scene but..... this girl is talking about you behind your back.......and he wants to leave her on his MYSpace page?

I'm sure there's nothing going on between him and her, but he should cut off all ties to her in support of you. He should not allow you to be treated like that. If she complains of him taking her off his page, then he can say "well I heard you were talking about my girl, and that's not cool with me." end of story.

Good luck with all this. I hope things get better for you. If this makes you feel any better, just think how pathetic all this makes her look!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Oh wait nevermind she was talking about her own myspace page.

 

[poppinspal]

It's good that you got that "talked out". Isn't it nice to know that you two are on the same page.

My older son & his fiancee have a large group of friends, who meet most weekend nights at a bar. But, they're getting away from that a little (saving $$ for the wedding!) and now they're doing things, like cooking dinner at home, with just one couple at a time. Perhaps that's the way you'll go - finding a few couples to hang out with.

See we've become just like your son & his fiancee but were still going out with this group one night a weekend. I've also much more enjoyed our nights out with other couples. (More low key.) We'll just be doing less weekends at the bar now.

Lindsay-I'm 24 and my bf is 28.

AprilShowers-Normally I'd agree with you and he should take her off. But I was actually the one who told him he should just keep her on. We have nothing to prove to her, I have his support and the people that matter to us know it. If he took her off it would unleash more comments being flung at me (or behind my back) and I've had enough already. It's just a computer website he and I use when we're at work bored. (And to keep up with our siblings at school.) So for me it seems easier this way.

 

[poppinspal]

nevermind

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Lindsay-I'm 24 and my bf is 28.

The reason I asked is because, with the exception of the alcohol involved, this sounds so highschool-ish. Get some new friends.

 

[Makdyn]

She's not his mother.

Thanks for pointing that out. I though i was leaving advice for the op ..... This is what i would do. maybe not you or she would. and of course she would be asking her bf and not just do.

 

[disneymom3]

Sounds like you got this worked out pretty well and that is good news. DH and I have a woman in our circle of friends who dated DH long ago. For many years she thought that she knew him as well as I did and would make really dorky comments as though they were oh so close. They dated for maybe 5 months and for 3 of those he was trying to figure out how to break up with her. At any rate what I came to conclude was that she was trying to make up for what was lacking in her life with this made up connection. Sounds exactly what this girl is doing with you. She clearly is interested in your bf and resents you so she has to pretend that there is a conection that doesn't exist.

As long as you are confident in your relationship(and it sounds like you have every reason to be) and comfortable with what you have decided, you are going to be just fine. It is great to hear the open communication you have with your bf.

 

[poppinspal]

Lindsay-She's absolutely 100% not my friend. She happens to have the same circle of friends as us but other then our night out at the bar I never see her. (Or the few of her friends who are her clones.) I did try to mantain a friendly relationship because we did have people we both were friends with but now I just want nothing to do with her. (Friendly, unfriendly or otherwise.) I actually don't even think I delt with this stuff when I was in hs.

disneymom3-The funny part about this is they never dated, he's never wanted to date her and she's had a boyfriend as long as he's known her. She actually just broke up her best friend and her boyfriend. Obviously her friend let her but she also didn't leave well enough alone. I think she wants us all to be as lonely as her. (Her bf is in Iraq right now.)

Unfortunately as this girl is taking the heat for ruining one friend's relationship she's also taking shots at me. I got so flooded with people telling me the stuff she's saying or said behind my back that I closed my myspace. I did get a good laugh at the fact she calls me Chewbacca, aside from having hair that falls midway down my back I'm not hairy at all. Oh well.

But thank you all for the advice and listening. You don't know how much it's helped me.

 

[PaulDavid's mom]

Hey there, thought I would add a comment.
I'm 25 and my bf is 26. We have been together for 7 years. And yes we live together. We also have a wonderful 4 year old little boy. Anyway, before our son came along we used to have a circle of people (I won't even call them friends) like yours. Every time we were out with them I would get glares and some of the girls would hang on him (ie: lots of hugs, entertwining their arm with his...). Let me point out that my bf was not fond of this and would detatch from them imediately. But, that led to anger on my part. Why do some girls think that this is acceptable behavior. Not only was it someone elses bf, but they do it right in front of the gf. To me that is not acceptable. And usually I am the quiet one but I HAD to say something. Then all of a sudden I became the b**** in their eyes. To them I was selfish for not letting my bf hang around them. (I never said he had to stop hanging around them but he has enough respect for me that he chose to on his own.) I say ditch the friends. It's their loss not yours. There is no reason a girl should be acting like that.
As for the myspace, I have an account also. My bf does not. But I have mine set to private so only selective people I add as my friends can see my page. And the only reason I have myspace is to talk to old friends from hs.
I hope this helps a little bit.

 

[Disney Doll]

You guys are 24 & 28.

Why do you even care about this sad soul? I mean, please...she's pathetic.

You are doing exactly what she wants...giving her attention. Negative attention is still attention.

Ignore her.