I need your advice

[dznystar]

Sorry if this is long! I don't know what to do. My wedding is in 38 days (yes, i'm counting). And the wedding has to be paid in full in 8. Here's my dilemma. When DF and I got engaged, my parents said they would pay $5000 towards the wedding. (This is my second marriage...long story). I was okay with that. Then DF's parents said that they would match the contribution. However, they are going to let us barrow the money, eventually have to pay it back. They've let us barrow money before, and aren't sticklers about getting it back any time soon. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure I told my parents. DF and I decide that we will cover the remaining portion of the wedding. Well we've borrowed against some of the money from DF's parents. So we only have $3000 left from them. My dad tells me the other day that he doesn't want us to be in a huge financial hole to start out with, but I know that they don't have money growing on trees either. So I write my mom this email about the money situation and tell her that I feel stuck, not knowing what to do. I don't want to break their bank with them trying to help us out. So after reviewing the budget my parents are now offering $7000. Thats great! But they want to know if DF's parents are going to add more. I say no. They've made their decision and that this is a loan anyways. My mom gets so upset. She never knew that it was a loan from them. She now feels that if she had known before that she would have said something, or insisted that it be an intimate wedding, or not let DF's mom have that much say. For our planning session, you can only have 4 people. So my mom and DF's mom came. I knew my dad was okay with that. We came back down for the menu tasting, and my parents flew down just for that day because they knew i wanted them to be there, and my dad couldn't go. Df's mom came. I never thought about it like that, but if my parents are the only ones paying besides us, then they both should have been there, not DF's. So what do i do? Do I tell DF? I know that he will be upset, he's very close to his parents. Then I'm afraid that he'll call his parents, and thats all I need is a fighting family for the wedding. I know my mom is really upset, and so am I now that I see her side. I cried all the way to work this morning talking to my mom. She assures me that everything will work out. Please help!

 

[lurkyloo]

I want to help, but I am confused! So...your parents pitched in $7,000 to keep and his parents pitched in $5,000 to pay back eventually, right? And your mom is mad because...you have to pay back his parents' $5,000 eventually? Is she saying that if she had known, she would have given you less money just because his parents did?

I think your mom is right about it all working out. You never know - his parents may never ask you to make good on the loan. They might offer it to you as a wedding gift. And even if you do eventually have to pay it back, better to have a no-interest loan with *easy* repayment options to family than to have run up a bunch of credit card debt.... Just my 2 cents!

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

What a dilemma. I have to say I agree with your mom. They are giving you the money whereas your DF's parents are loaning you the money, that's a huge difference so there for your mom and dad should have been at the planning session. However that doesn't matter now as the planning session is over and you can't go back and change things now. I don't see how you can't tell your DF how your mother feels, you don't want to not tell him, but you don't want this to get blown out of proportion either. You need to speak to your mom and ask her what she would have you do now. They won't give you less money, they are just obviously upset thet his parents are loaning you the money, basically you are starting of your married life in debt. You will just have to explain to your mom that you agreed to this long ago and didn't have a problem with it, you can't exactly go back on your word now. Maybe the repayments will never materialise, but then again maybe they will.
It's an unfortunate situation so close to your wedding, but there isn't that much you can do. Maybe his parents are traditional in that they expect your parents to pay for some if not all of the wedding, maybe that is why they never offered to pay but loan you instead. I, like you mother think that everything will work out, try not to let it upset you, you are so close to the happiest day of your life. Speak to your DF and see what he says, there is no point not telling him as I'm sure he will know something is wrong.

Good Luck

 

[shezfrombermuda]

If your parents give you $7000 instead of $5000, do you have enough to pay for the wedding? If so, then I wouldn't worry about it and I wouldn't bring it up to DF's parents because you don't want to upset anyone before the wedding. Does Df's parents know your parents are giving you the money instead of loaning it to you? If they don't, maybe DF could casually mention it sometime after the wedding. They could change their mind and give you the money as a wedding gift and if they do know, you can pay it back as you are able to.

As for the tasting, it is already past so you can't change anything. I think was a nice gesture to invite DF's mother whether she was giving you the money or loaning it to you.

 

[Tabetha]

I guess I understand why your mom is upset, but (and this might sound harsh and I reeeeeally don't mean it to be), but your agreement with your DF's parents is not her business. You made an agreement for a loan with them, an agreement you must have been comfortable with at some point, so she should probably accept and respect that.

It's very kind of your parents to give you money. It's very kind of his parents to lend you money. Everyone has done what they are comfortable doing. Try not to look at the loan and think "this should be a gift". That's not going to help anything, and you'll start resenting his parents.

You agreed to a loan, so I don't know that it would be fair to start hinting around that hisparents gave you money. You might be pressuring them into a gift that they cannot afford.

 

[PrincessBride07]

I am in a slightly similar situation. My mom is the only one financially supporting our wedding. She is super that my father has not contributed. She feels that if he gets to walk me down the aisle that he should pay for it. It does slightly bother me only because he has always promised to pay for my wedding (though it was a Vegas wedding he promised), but that is just the way it goes. I told that to my mom, but she is about ready to rip his head off. (oh yeah, forgot to mention they are divorced.) She is just going to have to deal with it.

What I really want to say is that if you and your DF are ok with the situation, then it really isn't a problem. You need to tell your mom that you are ok with this and that she should except it. (That doesn't mean she has to like it.) Your parents agreed to give you the money under no stipulation of DF's parents contributions. I agree that it would be upsetting to them, and completely see their point. I wouldn't mention it to your DF unless he feels that there is a problem with the loan from his parents. As for the planning session, I invited my FMIL to mine even though she is not contributing at all. (Oh yeah, she invited her sister without asking DF or I when we said no extended family!) I did it because I thought she might have fun being involved in the wedding seeing she has no other children to do it with.

 

[PirateBride08]

I feel your pain....My dad would have sold the shirt off his back if he needed to. He passed away when I was 19 so he can't help with my wedding.

My mom has the means and has been giving me a hard time about my wedding when my brother was getting married! It was "don't think you're going to get this" and "that's too much money for that, you better not expect that" Never once have I ever brought up MY wedding to her! She is remarried and lives in Florida. I am in Jersey. Things are MUCH more expensive here than they are there and she just doesn't get it. Now that we are planning on a DFTW she hasn't said much.

Brian's parents have money and would pay for the entire thing for us before then let us pay for it ourselves...however my mom told me that if his parents paid, she wouldn't come! Makes NO sense to me! What irritates me is my dad never had her pay any child support. He raised both my brother and I on his own, sometimes working 2 and 3 jobs...yet she has the money and complains left and right when she spends it on her kids.

ANYWAY....families can be rough. I don't think you are going to be able to solve anything with DF's parents but if it is bothering you, you might want to talk it over with your DF. It's going to be rough either way you look at it. I am so sorry you have to deal with all this so close to your day! Good Luck!

 

[dznystar]

I did sit down with DF last night. We didn't resolve much of anything, but I was very pleased that he tried to understand why my parents were a little miffed. He didn't overreact, nor did he call his mom(Not to say that he won't later, but didn't last night). DF and I are very grateful to my parents for their generosity with the wedding and with everything else in life. I didn't quite realize, or maybe it didn't really sink in that DF's parents are giving us a loan. In some ways I guess my parents didn't really have to know, but they do. They just feel that they "should" pay more now knowing that DF and I are really the only other contributing factor towards the budget. I know that they don't have the money, nor do we really, and I guess thats my fault for not taking that into account earlier. But you all are right, and so is my mom. Everything will work out in the end, even if the bank is broken. I feel very guilty right now for all of the choices that I made in the wedding planning, and wish that there was some way of cutting things back. We've done most of that already. Its just a little frustrating knowing that DF's parents are the only ones who won't be financially hurt with the wedding in the long run.

 

[princessdisneybelle]

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this right before your wedding. My FIL's aren't helping with our wedding at all. Oh wait they are taking care of the tuxes. But other than that. They don't even want to know the plans really. My parents are paying totally. And no they reallly don't have the money. But it is something they insist on doing. I really think you just need to try and let people help you how they can. But just know, its not abnormal for DF's family's not to help much. I hope your family can all work this out and have a happy wedding. I know for me, I have just accepted them for who they are and won't let it affect our wedding. Pixie dust to you!

 

[Glorydaz]

what a shame to stress yourself out right before the wedding but please keep this in mind: you are marrying your love, your other half and in the end, the money doesn't mean anything. at this point, it's all being taken care of one way or another....

the big picture? you and him , a life to share and as long as you both are on the same page , then everything else will fall into place.

take a deep breath, give all your parents a huge hug for being willing to help - in whatever fashion and then enjoy this "magical" event you two have planned! after all, the best gift is that they will all be there to share in this wonderful moment in your lives

Michelle

 

[Laurafoster]

I had a similar situation with DH's parents too! His parents said they would pay half for Disney, photography and Videography. Then they changed their mind and said they would pay half of all the photography and video and then half of all the stuff with Disney EXCEPT the reception where they would only pay for their family - which out of 26 was 5!

Anyway after the wedding was all planned and booked, about 30 days before the wedding and just after it had all been paid they asked us when we would be paying them back?!?!

 

[dznystar]

Ladies, thank you so much for all of your help and support over the past few months. For some reason our wedding has just caused more than usual stresses both financially and from Disney itself. I appreciate all of the pixie dust, and we all know that sometimes we need it. I guess we all just come to expect some things in life and when we're thrown a curveball, it knocks us down. Well, we have just over 1 month to go, and I know in the end that everything will work itself out. As a bride, you want everything to be perfect, and we have to realize that it may not be perfect, but it will be magical nun-the-less. Thanks again!

 

[jeffsluv]

Dzynstr

 

[jeffsluv]

So Sorry! I just got your name. I need advice! I am a meeting planner in North Carolina and need your advive his wdding Help!

 

[DisneyFairy19]

BIG HUG YOUR WAY