I need to save my marriage

[james'mommy]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name. A few years ago I started an email relationship with an ex boyfriend. A year and a half ago when I was back home because my dad was in the hospital I met up with the guy. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up staying and we worked things out. Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. My husband found out last night. He told me to leave. I refused and he said he would leave. We talked and he said he would not leave last night. Today he said he would be home after work. But that doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow or the next day. I've begged for my husband's forgiveness. Promised I would never do it again. Swore that he means the whole world to me. Begged him not to leave. I made an emergency appointment with our marriage counselor. I promised to go into individual counseling. I called this morning and left a message to set up an appointment. I've promised to never lie to him again. I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better. I'm at a loss. Please help.

 

[JessicaR]

I think you need to ask yourself why you sent the man a facebook message.

 

[golfgal]

I think you need to ask yourself why you sent the man a facebook message.

I agree. If your marriage means that much to you you would have never sent the Facebook message. I don't blame your husband at all. He gave you another chance, you blew it. Sorry.

 

[wvjules]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name. A few years ago I started an email relationship with an ex boyfriend. A year and a half ago when I was back home because my dad was in the hospital I met up with the guy. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up staying and we worked things out. Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. My husband found out last night. He told me to leave. I refused and he said he would leave. We talked and he said he would not leave last night. Today he said he would be home after work. But that doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow or the next day. I've begged for my husband's forgiveness. Promised I would never do it again. Swore that he means the whole world to me. Begged him not to leave. I made an emergency appointment with our marriage counselor. I promised to go into individual counseling. I called this morning and left a message to set up an appointment. I've promised to never lie to him again. I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better. I'm at a loss. Please help.

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice shame on me. You would not burn me a third time. I'd leave you too. Sorry to be brutally honest but IMO there is nothing you can do to make it better. Let your husband go find a woman that won't continually communicate and sleep with old boyfriends.

 

[Jennasis]

I have no idea what you can do to make this better, but I do know that the answer is not anywhere on this or any other public internet message board. This is between you and your husband.

FWIW, if you were a woman/man who was telling me that your spouse had cheated on you once already and then promised to never contact the person again but did anyway, I'd tell you to leave your spouse and never look back.

 

[Freyja]

I agree with the previous poster. Try to figure out what caused you to contact this man again. Was it the desire for some "excitement" in your life? Did you feel you needed a friend to talk to? The desire for sex?

Whatever the reason is, it doesn´t justify what you have done. You are obviously aware of that now so there´s no need for me to rub it in even more.

I´m not sure there is anything more you can say or do. I think the next step is up to your husband. Does he feel this marriage is worth saving and does he believe that he will eventually be able to trust you again? -These are things he needs to figure out for himself.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

I think you need to ask yourself why you sent the man a facebook message.

I agree with this. Hubby gave you a second chance and you purposely ruined it. Why? Answer that question and maybe you'll know what you need to do.

 

[downsouth]

If I were your husband you would have left last night. You had your chance and blew it. Would you give your husband a third chance if you were in his shoes?

 

[edandcolleen1995]

You marriage is more then likely over. Step up to the plate, take it like an adult and god forbid if you have kids, but if you do, put them first and foremost from this moment on.

Honestly, nobody in their right mind is going to tell you anything else. There is no excuse. You cheated before, you were blessed your DH took you back and now your ruined it. Only you can decided if it was worth it. Seems like it wasn't, but what is done is done.

You reap what you sow they say...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Clearly you sent the email message to start something up again with the X-BF and/or have your DH end the marriage. It is like you took the easy way out.

It is not clear to you right now but in time you will see that is what you were doing. (ex. like hacking off your foot caught in a bear trap)

The fact that you are begging to save your marriage is a way to make your dh look like the bad guy in your mind aka he ended it and I wanted to work it out.

Instead of begging forgiveness accept what you did and allow your dh to do what he needs to do.

I suggest personal counseling to figure out why you wanted to sabotage yourself and hurt your DH further.

 

[Freyja]

You honestly don't need to come to a message board and post this!

Jeez! Really what are you looking for from people here? Nobody in their rigth mind will tell you anything but what the first 10 folks did. You screwed up.

You marriage is more then likely over. Step up to the plate, take it like an adult and god forbid if you have kids, but if you do, put them first and foremost from this moment on.

But either way, stop monkeying around on a message board as your marriage is falling apart. Better to use that time on your family!!

The OP is obviously hurting and has a need to "speak"/write about what is going in. If you don´t want to read it don´t. If you don´t feel you can offer any advise then don´t.

This is a discussion board where people discuss among others very personal issues. If you have a problem with that I suggest you read something else.

 

[Disneylove1228]

I agree with all the people who have responded to this post.


I don't have any sympathy for you ... I know you said what you did was wrong, but doing it twice yet again was just stupid...

 

[wdwfan16]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name. A few years ago I started an email relationship with an ex boyfriend. A year and a half ago when I was back home because my dad was in the hospital I met up with the guy. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up staying and we worked things out. Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. My husband found out last night. He told me to leave. I refused and he said he would leave. We talked and he said he would not leave last night. Today he said he would be home after work. But that doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow or the next day. I've begged for my husband's forgiveness. Promised I would never do it again. Swore that he means the whole world to me. Begged him not to leave. I made an emergency appointment with our marriage counselor. I promised to go into individual counseling. I called this morning and left a message to set up an appointment. I've promised to never lie to him again. I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better. I'm at a loss. Please help.

Why did you do that?

Your DH has every reason to leave and I would if I was him. He forgave you and began to trust again and then you threw it away again by starting the contact again.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

The fact that he stayed, and is coming home after work, means that you do have another chance. Words will not help. You need to do something that will prove your commitment. Since I do not know you, or your husband, I do not know what might help. Perhaps you should ask him what he requires of you. At this point, he holds all of the cards.

I will not judge your behavior, but you need to find out why you did this. If you do not, you will almost certainly cheat again - even if you think otherwise...

 

[jfoofj]

Oh boy....... I have dealt with infidelity in my past and was sworn to that it wouldn't happen again, and it did, and I was unable to forgive. I did try, my son was an infant at the time. It destroyed my first marriage. It really changed WHO I am. The relationship I am in now has been tested because I am not a very trusting person anymore (and DH deals with issues he did not create, but he thankfully is pretty patient and understanding). I completely understand where your husband is coming from, HOWEVER, every relationship is its own little universe and I don't believe in absolutes. I really hope that you can figure out and explain to your DH what motivated you, and he can forgive you if you are TRULY sorry you did what you did, and not that you got caught. There is a HUGE difference.

That being said, I HATE Facebook. DH and I each had them and we both deleted them a while back. Not only did I feel like it was putting too much info "out there" (even w/ all the privacy settings) but it just seemed like it was inviting disaster.... DH had a female from his past friend request him and to me it felt like she was "fishing" ....she had just gotten divorced... was saying there were no "good men out there", asked him how we met, how long we had been together, that she had no idea he and his ex had divorced..... to him it just seemed like catching up, to me is seemed like she was on the prowl. He was completely upfront, told me she messaged him, showed me the messages (we both use the same password to all our online stuff... I could have looked at his FB anytime I wanted) and even though nothing was inappropriate outright, it really made me feel awful. We decided to delete them, and honestly, I don't miss it. It was a HUGE time suck and I know SO many relationships that have been damaged by Facebook.

Goodluck to you, I really hope you and your husband can find peace, however it works out.

 

[Trish Bessette]

I feel very sad for your DH. I don't beleive there is anything you can do...it has been done, more than once.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I think you've done all you can do. I agree with other posters, it is now up to your DH to decide if he would like to continue fighting to save the marriage. I agree, you need to find out why you contacted him. There is a reason behind every decision that we make, though it might not be clear at first. Are you sure that you are happy in your marriage? If you've stepped out on it before, maybe it's something your internally trying to get away from?

 

[look1angel]

Sorry but you get no sympathy from me. My X cheated twice that I knew of at the time & the second time he was out! 26 years invested & then it was over!

After the first time it took me 7 long years to finally trust him again. We did marriage counseling the whole shabang & he swore, promised he'd never do it again. It wasn't until after my divorce when I found out he'd been lying to me & his kids all those years.

It takes a second to break the bond of trust & years to maybe regain it if your lucky.

 

[sbell111]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name. A few years ago I started an email relationship with an ex boyfriend. A year and a half ago when I was back home because my dad was in the hospital I met up with the guy. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up staying and we worked things out. Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. My husband found out last night. He told me to leave. I refused and he said he would leave. We talked and he said he would not leave last night. Today he said he would be home after work. But that doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow or the next day. I've begged for my husband's forgiveness. Promised I would never do it again. Swore that he means the whole world to me. Begged him not to leave. I made an emergency appointment with our marriage counselor. I promised to go into individual counseling. I called this morning and left a message to set up an appointment. I've promised to never lie to him again. I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better. I'm at a loss. Please help.

I don't know if you'll be able to save your marriage. I hope you can.

My only advice is to follow through with everything that you listed in your previous post AND to stop using facebook. You don't need the temptation. Never consider contacting your exboyfriend again. He is not your friend.

Try to meet whatever needs your husband has regarding this issue and fight for your marriage. Marriage is hard, but it's worth the work.

 

[DMickey28]

Not to that extreme but I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I don't know that there is anything else that you can actually 'do' at this point that you aren't already doing. You need to follow through with the promises that you have made already. Luckily this was just the first contact, was it innocent or did you tell him you missed him or something? I would get rid of facebook, I would not let him be a friend on there, I would delete and get rid of every method of contact you have possible. It's hard to cut ties like that (even if they don't know) but you need to throw/burn everything out.

Since you have a marriage counselor, I assume you have explored what feelings are driving you to contact this person in the first place. There has to be void that you are filling that causes you to want to reach out to this person. That is the void and feelings that you need to examine. Why did you message him last night? What feelings caused you to do that? Some people like drama, some people need to feel needed ... every person that has gone through our lives gives us something that the others don't. What is the hold this guy has? What has he done? You can do anything to try and save your marriage right now but if you don't address the underlying issue to why you are reaching out to this guy, things won't get much better in the long term.

Good Luck .... this is going to be a tough time for you guys .... It's harder to face the truth about why you are doing this than to just move past it and reprove you are trust-worthy.