I need some strength and support

[Cindy B]

I'm sitting here crying.. and I don't know what to do. My son is having so much trouble in school, and I don't know what it is. He was the model student A's, and scored high on standardized test. He didn't make the gifted program by only a few points.
He is so capable to do work, and has been challenged.

This school year (4th grade) I am so stressed out with him. He doesn't do homework, doesn't bring it home, if he does it its a half job.. Today we got a math test back and they were all wrong. Its a daily struggle to get homework home. We have given him a planner, done a checklist, gotten a list from the teacher. He got an interim for the first time showing his lack of su

Its a daily struggle to for him to remember things. Just today alone he brought home the wrong folder, went back to get the right folder. Then he realizes that he doesn't have his planner and worksheets, and his homework. This is his third trip back to school. He is supposed to use the checklist, but he is not. Its breaking my heart to see him so confused!

He's not sure where he has put his bike, and thats missing as well.

He's already gotten TV, computer, and Xbox taken away from him until Christmas because of his grades. That is a non negiotiable punishment.

Its getting so I dread the coming home from school time. I have schoolwork of my own (two classes this semester with working 30 hours a week), and my classes are suffering because of him.

The pediatician said he met some but not all the DSM IV criteria for ADD, but additional testing is needed. The school district does not do testing quickly, and my health insurance does not have pediatric psychiatric practicioners. These practicioners need to paid in cash, and I honeslty don't have the cash, but I would if he absoluetely needed it. (I'd sell all I have for him, I really would)

I'm just so frustrated to see him slip like this.

 

[CRB#33]

See if you can find out about how long it will be for the school to test him.

If it's going to be too long, I would get it done myself. The quicker you intervene if there is an ADD issue, the better it will be.

Good luck. I feel so bad for both of you.

 

[miste76]

I'm sorry... I hope things take a turn for the better!!!

 

[Aimeedyan]

Sounds like there is def something going on.

Have you met extensively with his teachers, about how his behavior is? Have you been able to have anyone observe him? Do you think it's something going on emotionally, more than something like ADD? Like, he's preoccupied with something, or acting out about something? There is usually a good reason why a child will suddenly change so drastically. I know you must be incredibly frustrating and anxious to help him.

I'm glad you have talked to your pediatrician about it. What was his advice for now? Have you considered consulting a family counselor, to see if your son needs someone to talk to? How does HE feel about his changes, is he upset about losing things? And his grades slipping? or is he indifferent?

Like, I recently have had numerous issues with memory, and I get frustrated and angry with myself over it. Does he?

**hugs** to you.

 

[zurgswife]

Take a deep breath....Not an expert just a parent here...sounds like there is more involved then just your basic forgetfulness. I would press your Ped for more test I'd also try to find a child Psych to talk about cost and payment of the testing. We had to do it with our son about 4 yrs ago it cost about $1200 so I know it is not cheap...but it gave us a lot of answers....he is sererly dyslexic with some ADD......Keep being an advocate for your son...and I'd probably back off punishing him so much....for kids with problems they really don't mean to do it....and punishing them usually doesn't help just makes the stress worse which causes more forgetfulness..Kids do react adversly to stress....



I'd talk to the teacher and see how much info about homework and stuff she/he can keep in email contact with you about. We are doing that with our son and for the past 2 years things have gone alot smoother...not perfect mind you but smoother...

 

[Christine]

My first thought was ADD too. My son exhibits all the same symptoms as your son (he is in 4th grade too). The only difference is that he was *not* a model student before then. Sure, he got good grades and he was in the gifted program, but he was extremely disorganized and the teacher picked up on it in 1st grade (even though he was getting all A's). In the early grades, actual grades are not a good indicator of ADD or not. Many ADD children are so bright that they can still pull the grades. My son's doctors told me that he would eventually start to fall apart. Fortunately, we had him treated before that happened so I never had to witness the "crash" like you are. My DD is also ADD, but being a girl, was much less noticeable. We did not know much about it and then in 4th grade, her grades plummeted and she was a mess. Once she was treated, MUCH improved.

Fourth grade is a big transition year for kids. It is when the school system starts making them be much more independent. No hand holding, no coddling, no sweet, loving teachers--its down to business now. That's usually when the ADD kids fall apart.

I will tell you that it is worth every penny to get the testing. My health insurance covers very little of it (or so they said); however, the testing was done by a neurologist versus a mental health care provider so they ended up covering it 80%. You may want to check into this. ADHD/ADD is now being classified as a neurological disorder rather than a mental disorder so if you see a neurologist it may get covered differently.

 

[Disney Doll]

Have you ruled out physical problems? It seems strange to go from a good to a poor student like you describe, without there being some organic component. Even an ADD type thing would have probably manifested itself early on...he wouldn't have had 4 years of being fine & doing well in school, and suddenly..poof! He's got ADD.

 

[txSleepingBeauty]

I can't speak for the forgetting htings at home, but this sounds very much like my behavior when I was in elementary school. And I'll tell you it wasn't from ADD, it was from sheer boredom. How's he doing on other tests? math requires more practice so it would make sense to not do well if you're not doing your homework, but if he's acing other tests it might be that the class isn't challenging enough. My mom had the same problems wiht me, went round and round with teachers over homework, but I just felt it was dumb, if I could do fine on a test what was the point in homework?

you might want to sit down and have a reasonable conversation with him before you go to therapists, ask him (without getting mad or frustrated) why he's not doing the work....jsut my 2 cents

 

[Cindy B]

Originally posted by Aimeedyan
Sounds like there is def something going on.

Have you met extensively with his teachers, about how his behavior is? Have you been able to have anyone observe him? Do you think it's something going on emotionally, more than something like ADD? Like, he's preoccupied with something, or acting out about something? There is usually a good reason why a child will suddenly change so drastically. I know you must be incredibly frustrating and anxious to help him.

I'm glad you have talked to your pediatrician about it. What was his advice for now? Have you considered consulting a family counselor, to see if your son needs someone to talk to? How does HE feel about his changes, is he upset about losing things? And his grades slipping? or is he indifferent?

Like, I recently have had numerous issues with memory, and I get frustrated and angry with myself over it. Does he?

**hugs** to you.

I don't know what it is. There wasn't a huge drastic change here, except I went from one to two classes this semester.

The pediatrician didn't really offer much advice besides lean on the school board for an evaluation.

 

[Cindy B]

Originally posted by zurgswife

I'd talk to the teacher and see how much info about homework and stuff she/he can keep in email contact with you about. We are doing that with our son and for the past 2 years things have gone alot smoother...not perfect mind you but smoother...

I get daily emails now from her.

 

[janette]

One of the main things about ADD is that it is always there, not something that comes up later.

Even if the school gets their evaluation done I don't think it will answer all your questions. See what you can get covered by your insurance and do a complete evaluation, psychiatric, learning & behavioral. Call your social services organizations for some help in finding low cost testing available.

There are often programs that are little used because people don't know they exist. Keep after the school, they are going to be the best source of programs.

Our Scottish Rite hospital does free academic testing here, my 4th Grade DD will be tested later this year. Although the school has done testing we still have some issues I'd like resolved.

They have asked that I also have the ADD / ADHD evaluation done because I did check attention etc as a concern. I included it mainly because the teachers mention it and will probably have it done again (we did it in during pre-school also) but expect the results to be about the same. Although she's very active her attention problems are very task specific.

 

[Teejay32]

Originally posted by Disney Doll
Have you ruled out physical problems? It seems strange to go from a good to a poor student like you describe, without there being some organic component. Even an ADD type thing would have probably manifested itself early on...he wouldn't have had 4 years of being fine & doing well in school, and suddenly..poof! He's got ADD.

thinking the same thing here.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

No real advice, but just wanted to offer a

 

[buzzlady]

I believe that the school has 90 days in which to test after receiving your written request. I wish you the best of luck. You MUST keep on top of the school and let them know that you are NOT going away.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by janette
One of the main things about ADD is that it is always there, not something that comes up later.

This is true..but depending on the teachers he has had, the school system, every individual involved, it may have actually been there but not been brought up. Especially if the child has been bringing home good grades. I remember when we first addressed it--I actually brought it up. The teacher was very hesitant to mention it. Once I uttered the words "ADD", then we began to have a very good dialogue. I think teachers have been berated by parents and some of them may just keep quiet about it until the parent complains. It could possibly be that he is just been overlooked until this point, especially if it is ADD (no behavioral problems).

 

[janette]

Yes, that is true but the disorganization and other issues would have been there. I don't think grades are a good indicator of ADD / ADHD. I've researched it and my youngest has been through the evaluation. I know that although my older DD who gets great grades and is in the gifted program she has more ADD/ADHD indicators than my youngest. If it ever got overwhelming for her I will have her evaluated but the behavior issues are not new they just might get to the point where she can't compensate.

 

[Lucky4me]

My dd has always had attention problems and some learning disabilities, but this year (4th grade also) is proving to be very difficult for her. Last year was a breeze in comparison. I think this is the year where the work gets harder and more homework and responsibility is given to them. I think some kids have more trouble than others adjusting.

We have begun tying different color pieces of yarn on her wrist so she'll remember to write in her planner and bring home the right books and papers. We asked the teacher to write on the blackboard what homework is due on what day every week. I quiz her every morning right before she gets on the bus with what she needs to bring home that day and how she is going to remember it. The teacher and I both must sign her planner each day. We don't punish her if she forgets. We just let her suffer the consequences at school which are bad enough. The last month she has been doing pretty good, but I sometimes feel like I am back in school.

I spend over an hour every night with her at the kitchen table practicing math facts and doing homework. She reads for 30 minutes each night before bed (usually to me) and then writes a response the next night at the table. Some evenings she dawdles and it stretches out to two hours. It's painful, but neccesary.

To be honest with you the curriculum is too hard for her and I know it. They are gearing up for the standardized tests in May and I don't know how she's going to pass them. Complex algebra problems and vocabulary that I was doing in high school is a bit ridiculous for 4th grade. I'm not sure how most of these 4th graders pass these tests? Hopefully we're doing everything we can, but we still worry about it.

Cindy, you're a good Mom. Whatever is going on with your son I'm sure you'll figure it out.

 

[sweet angel]

I went through a similar thing with my son in 5th, 6th and 7th grades. Grades dropped, forgetfulness, etc. It's somewhat better this year (8th grade).

In 2nd grade, the teacher "suggested" I have him tested for ADD/ADHD and "suggested" a doctor to take him to. I took him to the "suggested" doctor and what-do-you-know, he had ADD/ADHD. I refused to believe it.

In 3rd grade, I asked his teacher what she thought about the ADD/ADHD problem. Her response was, "My son has ADD...your son does not."

I've been taking him to a psychologist because he's got some issues with not being able to keep friends, coupled with the school stuff. The psychologist tested him this year for a whole battery of things. Everything was negative.

Bottom line...it's a phase that he has to grow out of.

Be very careful with ADD/ADHD diagnoses...it seems to be a catch all these days. In our old school the line of kids at lunchtime at the nurse's office to get their Ritalin was very long. A lot of parents will take the "easy" way out and medicate their kid just to avoid having to deal with the underlying issues.

Please note, I am not in any way saying that ADD/ADHD is not a valid disorder...just that it's over-diagnosed.

 

[laurie31]

Originally posted by Disney Doll
Have you ruled out physical problems? It seems strange to go from a good to a poor student like you describe, without there being some organic component.

This was my first thought. I can't correlate losing his bicycle to being bored at school although if it is ADD or ADHD that could explain it. Could he be having small seizures? Is he having headaches? I find this sudden change very concerning. I would be insistant that a neurologist see my child.

I hope whatever is wrong is identified soon. I will send prayers and pixie dust your way.

Laurie

 

[Towncrier]

Our good friends have twins that are high school juniors and are good friends with our DS James. The older (smaller) twin was always the smarter of the two. He always outscored his brother on standard tests and yet he is doing horrible in school. He does his homework, but doesn't turn it in. He gets the correct answers on tests, but refuses to write down the steps that he uses to get the answers. He just works the problems out in his head. It sounds to me like Josh may be bored with school. I think that you are doing the right things to find the source of his school difficulties and I will pray that you find the answer soon.