I need some advice. ( VERY long post)

[Jenn Lynn]

My Sister is going through a divorce. Her is an alcoholic, verbally and emotionally abusive and a minipulator. In the past month He has admitted to an ongoing affair. And was arrested for drunk driving-at 1 am-with my Nephew in the truck.

In the past my Sister has been very good about hiding all of this from her family. She would call me with questions like "why is Nephew hitting/biting?" "Why is my hair falling out?" etc. We would give the advice we thought was right, not knowing the whole truth. Of course it was all due to stress in this bad relationship.

Well, this all came to a head last March. He left and filed for Divorce. She was devasted because she thought she could "fix him" (she has a history of alcoholic relationships and wanting to fix people.) So she went on with the process, got a lawyer, etc. Through all this she was nice to him, almost too nice. She is a "christian woman" and told me it would do no good to be anygry at him. She let him see the kids whenever he wanted, really bent over backwards for him. Needless to say they started trying to work it out. Then one weekend he got real mean with her. Said some really hurtful things. Shortly after that was the drunk driving, then she found out about the affair.

She said it was over, she couldn't stand to look at him, she was repulsed, etc. Then last week he shows up at her door with the Pastor of the church they go to. Said he knew he made mistakes etc, and he would like to work it out (again.) She said she would have to pray about it. The 2 times he has wanted to "work it out" was when the divorce was coming to a head.

Fast forward to last weekend. She was visitng the IL's and so was he so his supervised visitation. She tells us that they went four wheeling. He flipped the 4 wheeler and pinned himself to a tree. He was hurt, but not badly. She stayed at the IL's to take care of him! We asked why his Mom could not take care of him. Seems she wa taking care of her kids. THen my Dad called her yesterday and he is over at her house with his leg up. Nephew stayed at IL's.

The problem my Mom and I have is that we cannot take this Poor Husband crap any more. One minute she is repulsed. The next she "has" to take care of him. He has money he could get a nurse. Or where is the "girlfriend"? And he is going to work.

My Mom and I have held our tounges throughout all of this. We really thought that the drunk driving and the affair were it. But I told my Mom, when we heard he came over the second time, that she would get back with him. I have NEVER been able to get her to say that it was over. She always adds something like "as it is now..no I am not getting back with him."

She and my Mom had it out a couple of days ago and now are fighting.

My question is what should I/we do? I fell like I cannot take this stress, this wishy washy stuff. My parents hate him with a passion. They will never accept him back. But the other part of me doesn't want to abandon my Sister (or her kids). I really am the only one she will vent to or tell things to which is why I walk a fine line. Do I have to tell her I can't take it, don't talk to me about it? But then sit here and wonder? Do I continue to just try to put it out of my head until the next "event" happens?

I have cried so much over this. I feel torn in 2. My Sister and I never had a good relationship until we both had kids. That is something we could bond over. Now I feel like I don't know her and some times I just want to call and yell at her, but that's not me either. I don't want to alienate her so much that she doesn't call when it gets bad again.

I need some advice fromthose who have been through this either as the Mother or sibling. And anyone who has been in her place can maybe give me a different perspective. I have really tried to be open and supportive even though I didn't agree with her.

Thank You for taking the time to read this.

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

I cannot offer any advice, but I can give you some .

Good luck.

 

[mtemm]

I highly recommend getting in touch with a group called al-anon. its a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. I think it would be wonderful if your sister got involved, too, but at least if you do you can understand her better and what you need to do or not do for her. http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/

My dad is a recovering alcoholic. He's been in recovery now for 20 years, actually 20 years from this month. wow! He had stopped once before when I was around 7, but started again when I was around 13. I had no idea...thankfully he wasn't abusive and never drank at home. mom of course knew a lot more. when I was 17 (20 years ago) he went into recovery again and this time around his recovery involved the whole family. we went to many meetings and individual therapy. al-anon was part of it.

I'm sorry for what you, your sister, and their children are dealing with. I hope you find help, and that he does too.

 

[kejoda]

Jenn your story is so similar to mine its scary. The only difference is that both of my sisters are this way.

I've tried being the silent listener. Got sick of that then I went for the blunt, flat out truth. Neither one of my sisters like that. Right now I don't speak to either of them. I can't help them if they can't help themselves. The only thing that kept me in their lifes are the kids. Now one sisters kids are grown and the others got sick of their mom so they left. It was hard to walk out of their lives but the lies and manipulations just got to be too much.

I can't tell you what you should do. You need to decide how much you can take and how this is affecting your family. How is your dh and kids reacting to the situation?

I wish I could help you more. I'm only a pm away.

 

[CookieGVB]

Try and be there for her when she needs you.

I speak from the abused spouse point of view. I hid EVERYTHING from my family, and only told a few friends a few things. I never wanted to admit I had made a mistake.

Things finally came to a "last straw" moment, and when I pulled my family into the mix, I knew it had to be the end of the marriage. No WAY would I return after all I put them through with revealing what had gone on through the years.

I have a feeling that your sister saw his accident as some sort of "sign" that she needed to be around to help him. When he's better, and able to get around on his own, I'm sure he'll be back to his old, nasty behaviors.

The more you push her now to get away from him, she'll probably get closer because she likes feeling needed.

Give her some support - I'm sure she'll be back for it, soon enough.

Hang in there.

 

[Kallison]

Personally I think she needs some tough love -- she needs to come to her senses.

 

[Lachesis00]

My sister's like this minus the alcohol. Keeps hooking up with loosers. I've tried everything I can to help her. I finally left the state. I couldn't take the stress. She knows what a creep he is. She knows she has 100% backing of the family but she just can't let go.


I wish you and your sister the best of luck.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Is she seeing a counsellor?

It sounds to me that your sister is very caught up in an enabler role right now. "But he NEEDS me to take care of him." It is very common and it is very hard for family members to watch. The Al-Anon suggestion is a good one, if she can find a group with women who have been down the path of "alcoholic husband" before even better.

 

[snoopy]

I'm so sorry Jenn.

My sister was in an abusive marriage, and what I did was go over there in the middle of the night with my husband. DH threatened to kill this idiot if he ever laid another hand on my sister, and I started carrying her things out to the car, all I could carry and would fit in my car. She started whining about how she loved him, etc., I told her to get her *** in the car because she was leaving him, and told her I would have DH physically carry her down to the car if she didn't listen up. She reluctantly came with us, and the next day I convinced her that he would indeed one day kill her if she didn't get a restraining order against him and take a stand. It wasn't easy, but getting her away from him was the first step. A couple of days later we went over there with a moving truck and moved her out, and a few weeks after that she started divorce proceedings as well as counseling.

I realize this isn't always so easy or even feasible at all. Just relating my story and what happened. I should note that my sister met, fell in love with, and married a wonderful man after she left this creep, so there is a happy ending. Also, she had no children with him, they owned nothing together and were pretty young, so it wasn't too difficult to get her away from him. Obviously since there is a child involved it puts a different spin on things with your sister.

Best of luck, let us know how it works out.

 

[Shelle&Dave]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this!

I was in a bad relationship a while ago. He was an alcoholic/drug addict and even though he never physically hurt me he would scare the heck out of me. I also thought I could "fix" him. His entire family is full of addicts. Every single one of them is addicted to some kind of drug. For some reason I thought he would want to quit once I showed him how life could be without the drugs and alcohol.

Once I realized I was in over my head it was so hard to get out. I didn't want to be with him anymore, but I felt like if I left him and broke contact with him I would be abandoning him. All he would have left would be his family and he would have no chance at a decent life. Don't ask me why I felt like he was my responsibility to take care of. I still don't understand that part.

After three years of being with him...taking care of him...I just didn't want to do it anymore. I literally woke up one day and decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. I walked into the living room to find him passed out on the couch. He had thrown his arms and legs all over the place while he was sleeping and he knocked over a bowl full of spaghetti and an ashtray all over the carpet. His eye glasses were laying right in the middle of the spaghetti. I went into the kitchen to find the freezer door wide open and everything in it was thawed out. There was broken glass all over the floor from a glass that he dropped. The cats were walking over the glass! None of this suprised me because I was used to dealing with this but I guess that day was the last straw for me or something.

My Mom had been trying to convince me to kick him out for 2 years and I kept making excuses and saying it would get better. I wish now that I would have listened to her.

Anyway, my point is...you just have to be there when she wakes up and decides the same thing that I did. Eventually she will decide that she deserves more than that and she cannot be responsible for him anymore. I don't know if there is anything you can do or say to hurry that process along. I know my Mom and my friends tried everything to wake me up. I am just so thankful that they were there for me when I finally did wake up.

Now that I look back I see that I was enabling him to be that way. I was part of the problem. I also see the horrible position I put my family and friends in and I feel very bad about that. I have apologized to all of them and thanked them for not giving up on me. As bad as it was in my shoes it was just as bad if not worse in theirs. I can understand how frustrated you must feel. The whole situation is unfair to everyone involved and definately takes a toll on you.

Will she read self-help books? There are a couple I have read that I could relate to. They will only help if she wants them to. If she is in denial that the situation is that bad or still believes that it will get better they may not help.

I know there are others on this board that have been through similar situations. You know we are always here for you. Sometimes just venting helps ease the frustration a bit.

I'm sorry I don't have a magic answer for you. The little knowledge that I have about this stuff was very hard earned.

Michelle

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Kejoda-My DH and DD are fine. I mostly talk about this with my Mom. We share the same burden, so to speak. We get to hear it straight form her and are the ones to deal with her one on one. By the time DH gets home I don't really want to talk about it any more. I try to keep DD and I busy and just go on. We don't live near each other so that is both good and bad.

I have kept my mouth shut up to this point because I really am the only one she will listen to. When they were "working things out' the first time she was ready to have him move back in right away. I said DO NOT do that and she listened to me and she was glad when it got bad again. I know in my heart that I have to be the place where she can feel safe. Where she can vent and not feel judged. She does not take advice well from my Mom. And my Mom has really only kept her mouth shut up to this point because I advised her too. And that is SO hard for her.

Toby's friend-She saw a counselor on my advice last year in November. Of course I did not know the whole story of why she was so depressed, fighting with her Husband all the time, etc. From what I knew it was because she just had a baby, they lived in a VERY small place, nothing to do in the VERY small town, etc. The only reason she went was because I pulled the sister card on her. I told her that if she gave me the same advice I would hope that I would listen to her.

The thing with my Sister and couseling though is that she doesn't like to tell the whole truth. She tells you what she thinks you need to know. She does this with everyone though, friends, family, etc.

A couple of months agot hey were actually going to do couseling together, but she told me she refused to go in there and "trash" her Husband. Basically she refused to talk about the real problems.

She also has very low self-esteem.

 

[tkyes]

I don't know what to say Jenn. I'm so sorry that you all are going through this.

Part of me thinks that she needs to figure things out on her own terms. She can't be forced into it or she will never see it as final unless it's her decision to make it final. Sitting back and just listening can't be an easy thing to do though.

I agree with others that nudging her in the direction of making that decision is a good idea - ie. al-anon, a counseler, etc.


{{hugs}}


Tamie

 

[Toby'sFriend]

The thing with my Sister and couseling though is that she doesn't like to tell the whole truth. She tells you what she thinks you need to know. She does this with everyone though, friends, family, etc.

That is extremely common. Alcoholic relationships are almost always based on lies and the whole family gets caught up in creating a fake persona that is presented to the world -- "Sure! Everything is just peachy! We ARE the perfect family." Sadly it often takes something major like a person ending up in the hospital hurt before anybody in the family will break that bond of secrecy. Then, once the crises is over they will revert back. My Father has been dead for almost 3 years now, and my Mother STILL will not admit to anybody that he had a drinking problem.

 

[snoopy]

Jenn, what if you WERE to do an intervention though? Where you and your Mom and any other caring family member went to her and confronted her about it? Let her know that you love her but refuse to stand by and watch her be abused. Are you afraid that you would alienate her if you did so?

 

[Trish Bessette]

Jenn~

I am so sorry for what you are going through. From the sounds of it you still want your sister to feel comfortable coming to you to talk. I am the one in my family who everyone comes to also. I find that even though I'm always there to listen, I can also express my concerns in a way where they don't get upset. It is all about how you get the point across. It is so easy to become upset and concerned that you just yell out your thoughts. That doesn't work with people like your sister.

Try to turn the focus to yourself, explain to your sister how worried you are for her and the safety of her son. He may not be that lucky next time if he was ridiing around with the dad being drunk. If you are able to offer help as far as finding her a place to live or go to temporarily tell her that. She may be afraid to make that first move.

Best wishes to you. You are in a tough spot, believe me I know!

P.S. Your daughter is so beautiful. I love seeing her picture

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Jenn - check your PMs

I have been in a similiar situation as your sister, got out and now am currently in yours (except in my case now, I'm watching what is happening to your sister happen to a good friend. )

I sent you a long PM. I don't know if it makes much sense but I tried to offer both perspectives.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
That is extremely common. Alcoholic relationships are almost always based on lies and the whole family gets caught up in creating a fake persona that is presented to the world -- "Sure! Everything is just peachy! We ARE the perfect family." Sadly it often takes something major like a person ending up in the hospital hurt before anybody in the family will break that bond of secrecy. Then, once the crises is over they will revert back. My Father has been dead for almost 3 years now, and my Mother STILL will not admit to anybody that he had a drinking problem.

This is what she gets caught up in when she visits the IL's. They are ALL in denial. They still want her to work it out with him. I know her MIL says this to her. It's like she gets there and they all live in fantasy/denial world. He acts "normal" for 5 minutes and everything is great. We REALLY thought the drunk driving w/ my Nephew would be the last straw. Seems like that wasn't enough.

Snoopy-She knows all of this, but since we cannot be in her face about it all of the time it doesn't seem to stick. She gets sucked it by the IL's. Right now she cannot leave because she is in her 60 day waiting period (again) for divorce. If her divorce goes through and she does not leave I will be down there with a U-Haul to get her. There is nothing there for her and there is no reason for her to stay.

She has actually gotten information on schools for Esthetics. One that I told her about that I learned form these boards she seemed to like. But we have not heard about that for a while. She knows she can come here or go to my parents any time. She has a semi plan, I just think she is really scared of being on her own with 2 kids.

I just got done talking (and crying) to my Mom. We have both decided that we need to remain focused on us and our families. And to try not to let my Sisters stuff affect us so badly. Some times I think she tells us stuff for the shock value or the drama. It's like she thrives on that.