I need some advice Update on Pg 3!!

[Desnik]

Sunday is my best friends baby shower. She is having triplets and I am so happy for her. She had a hard time getting pregnant, had lost 3 babies and has a beautiful 4yo son. She deserves these wonderful additions to her life.

In Oct at 13 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage, it was my second and I am fortunate to have 2 beautiful, healthy kids. I had a tough time with this loss, but was slowly getting better. Then last Fri the Dr's office called with the results of the genetic testing we elected to have on the baby. We found out there was nothing wrong with the baby. Their "guess" is that I probably miscarried because my placenta was torn. Then he said, the baby was a boy. I felt my heart drop. I have been crying on and off and feel I am very depressed. I have a pain in my heart that just won't go away. Now I have the shower on Sunday and I really love my friend and want to be there for her. The thought of being at a baby shower makes me cry. I don't think I can do it. I cry everytime I go to her online registry. There is no way I can go into a baby store and get her gift. How do I not go? What would I say? I feel like I am always having to explaine myself to everyone why I am not over it already. Most people think I was crazy to want to find out the gender of the baby. I also wanted to name the baby and everyone thinks I'm crazy. It's like my baby wasn't born, so I shouldn't act like he was a real person? That gets me so mad! He was my baby boy. Right now I just don't know what the right thing to do is about the shower. I'm also depressed because I still have that pregnancy weight and feel so fat and just a mess. Sorry for sounding so depressing but I just can't help it!

 

[briannesmom]

I'm so sorry.
I would call your friend and tell her whats going on. She is your best friend and she has been through a similar situation, she will understand.
If you feel you have to go to the shower avoid the baby store and get her a gift card to Target. Stay at the shower only as long as you are comfortable. You don't have to explain it to everyone.

Amy

 

[marybet]

If she is your friend she will understand. Call and be honest with her. You say she has had miscarriages so she will know how you are feeling. If you can't pick out a gift send her a gift card.

I am sorry that other people do not understand your grief at the loss of your son. Everyone deals with loss in their own way, just ignore them, you do not have to explain yourself.

 

[RNMOM]

Desnik, I have never had a miscarriage but many in my family have. I have two children of my own and so I understand how it feels to bring a life into this world. I was very attached to my son just a few hours after finding out I was pregnant. That baby is very real to you and will always be in your heart.

From the other side of the coin, it is so difficult to know what to say or do for those who have miscarried. I am sure your friends all understand how you are feeling but maybe not to the degree your grief is affecting you. As a nurse and also as one who has dealt with depression, I would urge you to do a couple things. Please make your physician aware of your emotions. I would also request you consider some medication if he suggests it for a short while. Your hormones from the pregnancy can still be "out of whack" and you might benefit from some help. Please also consider a support group. Many of the hospitals in our area have post miscarriage support groups for couples and I know many people find it so much easier to talk to those who have expierenced loss themselves.

If you feel you simply can't bear to go to the shower, call your friend and tell her honestly why you need to skip it. She needs to know it is not personal but you just need a little more time to recover. Take care of yourself but please get some help from your doctor and a counselor or support group.

 

[poohandwendy]

Desnik, I have never had a miscarriage but many in my family have. I have two children of my own and so I understand how it feels to bring a life into this world. I was very attached to my son just a few hours after finding out I was pregnant. That baby is very real to you and will always be in your heart.

From the other side of the coin, it is so difficult to know what to say or do for those who have miscarried. I am sure your friends all understand how you are feeling but maybe not to the degree your grief is affecting you. As a nurse and also as one who has dealt with depression, I would urge you to do a couple things. Please make your physician aware of your emotions. I would also request you consider some medication if he suggests it for a short while. Your hormones from the pregnancy can still be "out of whack" and you might benefit from some help. Please also consider a support group. Many of the hospitals in our area have post miscarriage support groups for couples and I know many people find it so much easier to talk to those who have expierenced loss themselves.

If you feel you simply can't bear to go to the shower, call your friend and tell her honestly why you need to skip it. She needs to know it is not personal but you just need a little more time to recover. Take care of yourself but please get some help from your doctor and a counselor or support group.

Great post, I agree completely.

I really do think you should talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. And a support group is a great idea too.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

I do know what you are going through.I have miscarried twice once at 12 weeks.After the 2 misacarriages I got pregnant and carried my baby until I as right 22 weeks.My DC was pregnant at the same time,we did everything together.Well I lost Tffany on the 25th of January well my DC carried hers full term and delivered the next day on the 26th.
She cried and begged them not to tell me that she had Hunter because she knew t would hurt me so bad.But my DGM told me anyway I was very hurt but I was so happy for her to.When she came home from having him,I went to see her and Hunter.It was hard but I had to do it for her and for me.I knew how bad she felt for me and I didnt want her to think I was upset at her so I just did it.
I am so glad I did go I felt so much better when I did.

I would say if there is anyway possible for you to muster the courage to go you need to.You will definetely feel worse if you dont go.But if you decide not to go you need to call her and tell her how you are feeling and she will understand.

I am so sorry you are going through this.I have never been so devastated as when I lost her.We thought that we had made it to where everything would be okay but it just was not meant to be.God needed my Tiffany more than I did.It still hurts to this day but it does get easier.I think of her all the time she would be 8 Jan25.

I think you may need something to help you through this,I let my depression go for many years before I did anything about it.I just about lost my marriage over it.I finally talked t my Dr and he put me on Wellbutrin and I took it for a little over a year and I am now off of it.So if you feel like you need something to help you through Please do it.Also dont keep this bottled up inside you Please talk to someone and dont try to get through this by yourself.I know for along time I didnt want to talk to anyone but you will have to talk about it sooner or later.

Misty

 

[JennaTX]

This must be so hard on you.

First, one of my best friends has never been able to have children. At the time when most of us started to have kids, she went to all of the baby showers, she even gave me my first baby shower. But as time went on and she realized that she was having a problem it just got harder and harder for her. I just went to one of my friends baby showers last month (probably the last one of the group) and she did not go, she just could not handle it. It was not a problem at all. Everyone understood.

I don't think your friend would have any problem with you not going to the shower. Especially since she had problems getting pregnant too. Just call her and explain and have your DH pick up a gift card for her.

Second, you should absolutely mourn your baby boy. He was yours. It does not matter whether you miscarried or not, he was your baby. You still have a right to grieve for this baby, so you should. I hope it gets a little easier for you, although I know it will take time.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

There is nothing worse than losing a child. I know this from personal experience. What others have mentioned about talking to your doctor and and seeking support groups are excellent ideas. Please give them careful consideration.

I know how painful things can be for you. But remember for a minute that your very best friend has been where you are. Three times. And now she's having triplets. Take this as a lesson that life does indeed go on... and you have a child bearing future if you so choose. Muster up your very best game face and share in your best friend's current joy. After several lost children and a high risk triplet pregnancy, her babies will not have the easiest road in the first few years, and may even be born with real complications from premature birth, as many multiple pregnancy babies are. Please share in her current joy... and know that joy (and sorrow) are temporary things...

Be well

 

[crazee4mickey]

No advice other than to say to tell your friend, I am sure she will totally understand how this would affect you. Also here are some for you during your very sad time

 

[The Mystery Machine]

From a friend perspective just call and be honest.

 

[dmslush]

I would just sit down with the friend and let her know what is going on. You said that she had lost babies, I think she would understand your pain.

 

[Sherri]

My best friend had a miscarriage some years back. She now has a healthy son who is three. It was the worst time for her. She grieved for a very long time for the child she would never know. She did eventually start feeling better and planned another pregnancy which resulted in her son.
She never really understood the lack of understanding she got from some people over her miscarriage.
I felt bad that she felt like she owed anyone an explanation.
Until someone walks a mile in your shoes, they don't know what you are going through.
It sounds like you are still grieving so going to the shower would probably not be the best idea. I'm sure your friend would feel sad for you if she knew the feelings you are going through.
I would explain how you feel. Friends can be renarkable.
And i'm really, really sorry for your loss.

 

[java]

I have had 3 miscarriages(have 4 children now- could you imagine 7!) For me the first was the hardest. Although the 3rd and 2nd weren't so great either. I did name my first angel. It made me feel better. I talked to her often and cried to her. Told her I hoped one day I get to hold her. And exactly one year to the day later....I gave birth to my 2nd child- my only girl! If you don't feel like you can stand going then don't go- if you think you will feel worse by not going- then go. Only you know if you are ready to go and all the things you are feeling are things that I felt. Don't feel bad about your feelings. They are what will help you get through this. Your friend has been through your pain too. I had mixed feelings about my friend's shower after my miscarriage- but I went anyway. It made me feel better. I was not sad she was having a baby- I was just sad that I lost mine. At the shower my nephew(he was 3) said something to me that helped..."Aunt J you didn't lose your baby, it is in your heart"

 

[Jennifer S]

I have had a miscarriage too and I know how you feel. Your friend knows how you feel. It is tough. She is your BEST friend. I would go. You will regret it if you don't. I think your friendship will only get better if you go. Your friend will realize the sacrifice you are making for her. If it gets too hard you can always leave. I think you are probably sronger than you give yourself credit for. I think you will regret it if you don't.

I'm sure you will have that baby you so desire. It's just a matter of when. You will want others to be happy for you and celebrate- maybe even a shower. Life is hard and stinks sometimes but I really think you should be there for your friend. This may even help you heal. She'll need your help when the babiesa are born too. You can't avoid her situation forever.

Best of luck and

 

[JunieJay]

There is nothing worse than losing a child. I know this from personal experience. What others have mentioned about talking to your doctor and and seeking support groups are excellent ideas. Please give them careful consideration.

I know how painful things can be for you. But remember for a minute that your very best friend has been where you are. Three times. And now she's having triplets. Take this as a lesson that life does indeed go on... and you have a child bearing future if you so choose. Muster up your very best game face and share in your best friend's current joy. After several lost children and a high risk triplet pregnancy, her babies will not have the easiest road in the first few years, and may even be born with real complications from premature birth, as many multiple pregnancy babies are. Please share in her current joy... and know that joy (and sorrow) are temporary things...

Be well

This would be my advice as well, said beautifully.

 

[Amy]

DH and I lost our first baby, Ashley, when I was 27 weeks pregnant, back in 1988; she would be 18 now. We now have 2 boys, ages 16 and 14.

To this day, I can't go to baby showers, even for girls here at work that I don't know all that well. Geez, at 27 weeks you think you're home free with a pregnancy, but we found out that's not true. I find it very hard to be happy for anyone until that baby is born alive. My best friend found out she was pregnant with her 2nd about a month after Ashley died. I remember when she called to tell me - she said she wanted to tell me something but she didn't want to make me feel bad but she wanted to share her news with me. THAT's a friend!

My advice: tell your friend that while you're ecstatic that she's pregnant with triplets after all her problems, you're still grieving over your son and you don't think attending her shower will be good for you, and you don't want to ruin her happy day by being sad. Since she's been through miscarriages herself, she should understand. I DON'T think you should force yourself to go if you're still that upset; that'll only delay your own healing.

Like others have said, please try to find a support group; I attended one after Ashley died (and even while I was pregnant again), and it helps soooo much to talk with others who know how you're feeling. I'm sure your healing has been "interrupted" because of the holidays and dealing with relatives who don't understand and say stupid things. Ashley was born/died on Nov. 2; I remember on Thanksgiving that year (only 3 weeks later), my dad make a comment that he couldn't understand why I wasn't "over it" yet! Can you believe that?? MY CHILD (and his first grandchild) died, and I was supposed to be all happy/happy/joy/joy only 3 weeks later???

Sorry to be so long-winded, but I DO understand where you're coming from. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk some more.

 

[MareQ]

In the kindest and most gentle way possible - I think you need to "suck it up" and go to this shower. EXPLAIN BEFOREHAND that you're having a tough time, let your freind know that you're definitely going to be there for her but if you seem "off" - this is why. You have to press forth.

UNFORTUNATELY I do understand how tough it is. I lost a baby May 22, 2000. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget how horrible it felt to have to go out and actually act normal. How hard it was for other people to "get" what I was going through - to have to explain to people that CONGRATULATED ME on my pregnancy that I had lost the baby and then watch their face as they struggled in their akwardness. But I did and although it was extremely hard - it helped. It didn't allow me to "wallow" - to steep in my grief - KWIM?

Celebrating for others when you're in so much pain is VERY hard - but you have to do this.

 

[Desnik]

Thank you all for your advice and thanks to those of you who have shared your stories with me. I know for a fact my friend would totally understand if I didn't go. She is a great person and amazing friend. The thing is the shower is a surprise, so if I didn't go there is no way to explain it to her before hand.

I had the miscarriage on Oct. 18th. I was shocked for the first week or two because we thought at 13 weeks we were in the clear. Then I had my trip to WDW in the 2nd week of Nov. to look foward to so I tried to focus on that happy time. My friend joined us with her DH and DS. It was very hard for me at first to be around her. Our babies would've been only 3 weeks apart. She was very understanding and we got through it. When I came home from our trip I found out my otherwise healthy grandfather had cancer. Within a week he died. It was a terribly difficult time for me and my family. While all this is going on DH and I have been going through alot with our pending lawsuit. In Sep 2005 we had a horrible car accident and our vehicle flipped numerous times. It was the fault of a truck driver and the trucking company. It has turned our lives upside down. At that time I had to be put on medication for panic attacks and depression. I really hate being on meds. Anyway just a few weeks ago on Dec 21st DH had to have hand/wrist surgery stemming from the car accident. The surgey was suppose to be a routine debri removal surgery lasting only 45mins. Well it was 4 hours and so much worse then they thought. He couldn't do anything for himself for 2 weeks and this was right at the time of Xmas. Things have been really tough for me. He is now starting to move his hand a bit but will be out of work for a month and will have to have extensive therapy. There is just so much on my plate right now. Going to Dr's for the lawsuit, taking care of DH, dealing with my grief.... I really thought I was going to be OK. But when I got the results of the genetic testing, it just knocked me over. Realistically I know I can probably have a baby again and everything would be fine. It's not that, it's the loss of the one I had, KWIM? I had DD with little complications, then lost a baby at 8 weeks, then had DS with a lot of complications during and after the pregnancy. This miscarriage hit me worse than the first because of how far along I was, and now I know it was a boy, the first baby I will never know the gender. I guess knowing makes it more real? I really appreciate you all helping me and it really makes me feel better to actually say these things out loud. I do have a therapist that I have called for an appointment next week. I still don't know what I will do about the shower.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am torn on what you should do.

On one hand, if you really think you cannot get past your grief to celebrate for your friend, then you should not go. If your friend is a true friend, she will understand. Maybe you can celebrate in some other way with her. Don't worry about what other people think. Your sadness has been renewed with this recent news, and your recovery has taken a couple of steps backwards.

On the other hand, I think I have to agree with the posters who said you need to go and celebrate this wonderful time with your friend. Try to remember that it is not about you and your loss, it is about her and her joy. And she needs you right now. Just because you are able to go does not mean you are past your grief, just that you can put it aside for one day.

I will add here that I also lost two pregnancies. 6 weeks after my ectopic PG (which many people didn't know about), my SIL handed me a brand new PG test and told me I could have it because she didn't need it anymore. She was due the same weekend I would have been. I was devastated, and I could barely eek out a congratulations before I burst into tears. But I knew I needed to push my grief aside to be a good SIL to her.

Denae