I need some advice about a neighbor situation:

[hydster]

Ok…I have this dilemma and I am hoping you guys can help me figure out a nice way to solve it. Any and ALL ideas are welcome!! I’m stumped!

Here’s the background info:

We live in a neighborhood just outside of Salt Lake City. The area is really nice and is comprised with middle class to upper middle class families. The option of moving isn’t an option for us as we love the school district and we love the area and we love the house that my hubby built. Our neighbors moved in shortly after we did and they have 2 girls. One of them is 18 and the other one just turned 13. I have 3 kids, a girl age 10, a boy age 9 and a boy age 5. We didn’t really know the neighbors that well until about 2 years ago. Saw them in a religious setting and outside in their yard but never did anything friendly with them. Two summer’s ago their 13 year old daughter (then 11) started coming over to our house to play with our kids while the mother was at work. It was fine for awhile and then when it started to get kind of “sticky” school started again. This last July, we went with the parents of this neighbor girl to Cancun for a week and had a blast. We consider them really good friends of ours and really like to hang with them on the weekends and don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. This 13 year old girl is quite “young” for her age and fairly immature compared to other 13 year olds around here and in our church and my kids like the fact that they can play with someone right next door and not have to go over a street or two to play. It is convenient most of the time but then comes this problem:

Ok now on to the dilemma-

This 13 year old girl is a brat. I’m not talking about your run of the mill brat; I’m talking about a BIG HUGE BRAT! I realize that my children are not perfect and have given her the benefit of the doubt several times even sometimes at the expense of my own children. Since her sister is older this girl gets most of the attention and is treated almost like an only child. She is spoiled and treated with kid gloves. After school the last few weeks she has once again been coming over here to play with our kids. Not a lot of kids around here her age or even my kids ages and most of the kids who are close in age their parent’s work or the kids have after school stuff like soccer. Well this girl seems to thrive on driving my 5 year old in particular crazy. She can make him cry at the drop of a hat and she has this tone of voice that is SO annoying that it makes me want to almost go out and shake her silly. She is old enough to know better and to know that what she is doing isn’t right. She is constantly bugging him, teasing him, getting mad at him, taking things away from him and just causing contention all the way around. They were playing Red Light, Green Light and of course since he was the smallest he couldn’t win. He cried that he wanted to win and she would just taunt him and tease him and tell him that he couldn’t win. I walked outside and suggested that one time one of them could “let him” win and she basically told me to jam that thought. I was appalled that a girl that young would dare tell me to pound sand and that she was going to keep my 5 year old bawling just to amuse herself.


My question is---

How would you solve this dilemma without being flat out rude and ruining the friendship we have with the parents??? I’ve told my kids to come inside, told them they couldn’t play with her, tried to keep the 5 year old away from her but he wants to play with the older kids, and tried to politely hint to her without coming right out and calling her a brat that what she is doing isn’t acceptable to me. Since we live next door to each other she can hear when my kids are outside and she comes over and it all starts up. I know if I confront the girl or the parents about it and don’t do it in the right way that our friendship is still new enough that it might suffer. We really, really, really like the parents but it is just such a sticky situation to be in and I have no idea really how to solve it.

ANY ideas would be greatly appreciated and needed in the worst way! I can’t handle going through another summer with her tormenting my kids but I don’t want to alienate the parents either. We have very few opportunities to meet people as friends with my husbands job and travel commitments and our 2 closest friends both moved out of state in the last few years due to job opportunities so we are starting new again.

Thanks in advance!
Heidi

 

[grinningghost]

I don't have any advice, but you have my sympathy. We had a similar problem many years ago, and it ended up pretty ugly. Good luck.

 

[hydster]

GG--that's my biggest fear is it ending up really ugly! I keep hoping this girl will get old enough to leave my kids alone but it hasnt happened yet. I'm stumped!!

Thanks for the sympathy however!
Heidi

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Stop being polite to her about it, tell her in so uncertain terms if she can't follow the rules, she has to go home. And stick with it.

 

[floridafam]

You can't let her treat your child or children like that.

You should insist that the behavior stop.

I don't think you should worry too much about her feelings since she hasn't showed any respect for you or your child.

 

[RitaZ.]

We had a similar problem last year.

My son was friends with twin boys, they were the same age as he (11 then). The problem was that the twins were constantly ragging on my younger DS (7 at the time). One of the twins went as far as to tell me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but your son is so obnoxious". I think the twins were used to being at the same level as adults. I didn't want to alienate the kids or their parents; let's face it, friends aren't easy to come by these days. At the same time, I couldn't tolerate their behavior anymore. It was mean and disrespectful and I wouldn't allow my own children to treat any friends or other children that way. I told them flat out that if they wanted to come to our home to play with older DS, they couldn't torment and tease younger DS. I guess they didn't like it because the friendship cooled off after that and they stopped asking to come over. Oh well...

Ok, you've been nice and very patient; it didn't work. I think know it's time to tell this girl flat out that if she can't be nice to all of your children, then she can't come over to play with them. She is 13 years old, she knows and understands what she is doing, she is just allowed to get away with it. This is your home and your rules. If my children treated anyone else like that, I would want an adult to (if I wasn't there to do it myself) call them on it.

You may actually be doing this girl a favor by letting her know that you won't tolerate her behavior.

Good luck!

 

[CEDmom]

I would make it very simple for this girl and say "my house, my rules". Make one of the rules that the bigger kids don't taunt the little ones and the little ones don't pester the older ones. If they all can't find a way to play nicely together they won't be playing at all. Good Luck.

 

[hydster]

I need to add something in here....but first I wanted to tell you all thanks for your posts!!

I forgot to mention that about 1/2 the time they are in the neighbor's yard or on their driveway riding bikes, rollerblading and so it isnt always a confrontation at my house! I cant believe I didnt add that in. I do enforce the rules (although somewhat leinient I must admit) at my own home and eventually get tired of it and go bring my kids inside or send her home but when they are next door, and I have my windows open and can hear the whole thing...is it still my place to go tell her she cant do that in her own yard?? I mean yes I should just go tell her I dont like her doing that to my kids and bring them home but is it wrong for me to tell her her behavior is out of line even when it's at her house and sometimes when her mother is home???

Anyway thanks again...you guys are giving me some backbone!!

Sincerely,

The spineless wimp in this issue!
Heidi

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly you are in a bit of a pickle. I have a soon to be 13yo and they are into boys, music, hair, school friends, computers, phones etc...

My guess is she is "tormenting" because in all honesty she would rather be somewhere else and is unhappy. She may be immature but girls of that age would rather be with girls their own age.

Really I would find other playmates for my kids. Slowly at first. Make other arrangements. She really needs to be with her own peers at this age.

 

[Melora]

Shes lucky she doesn't live next door to us because Jeff has no tolerance for bratty kids and has no problem telling them so. We have a little boy down the street who is 2 years younger then Alex who is 8. The kid is kind of spoiled and very outspoken but I keep reminding Jeff that he is only a little kid... When he comes over and asks if Alex can play and he is told no for whatever reason he will say Why? Jeff HATES that and if I do not step in he will say "It doesn't matter, now go home!" Then the little guy will often launch into a whole explanation of where Alex can find him or start to tell Jeff about his new toy all without thought to the fact that Jeff could care less.... I usually try to run interference and keep Jeff from telling the kid to go somewhere else.

Im afraid half of the time the kid is going home and telling his parents how mean that man over there is!

To be honest though if this were me I would end up telling the girl straight to her face if you can't be nice I don't want you to play with my kids. I would very delicately tell the parents that sometimes the kids do not get along well and just to let them know you will send her home or call your kids home so that no ones feelings get hurt. Just to have bases covered in case she says something. This way you have told them there is a problem without blaming her directly. Hopefully she will mature but in all honestly as long as you let her be mean she will.

 

[annemariec]

You've gotten some really good advice.

IMO, she shouldn't treat your children poorly in any environment. It doesn't matter if she is in her yard and her mother is home. If she is harrassing your child (or children) she needs to know it is unacceptable.

If she tells her mother that would be good. You may be surprised and her mother might back you up on it. If she is worth her salt she would. And if she doesn't, then she isn't much of a friend, in my book.

I think you are being too nice. Let her know!! You will be doing right by your children and the 13 year old.

Just my .02
Annemarie

 

[Duchie]

I've got a couple of thoughts....

I've sort of seen this behavior in my nephew, who is 14. He's started watching my kids (all much younger) and is having a hard time learning how to use his new "power". I've had to explain several times to him that you don't need to be mean to get kids to behave. Maybe she just needs someone to tell her that being bossy isn't the way to have friends. You could try speaking to her gently, but firmly, as if you were a best friend giving advice. Try the old "Do unto others" approach - maybe she'd get the hint.

Another idea is to have your kids to the talking. If she's being mean, they don't have to play with her. I've seen this with my own kids as well - when one of the neighbor kids starts being mean to DS (as all kids do from time to time), he will just leave and come home. At 7, he's realized he doesn't have to stick around and be bullied. Tougher sell for a 5 year old, but maybe if you had an extra fun thing to do for him when he comes home, he wouldn't mind. You could tell the older kids the same thing - walk away if they don't like how she is treating their younger brother.

I don't know if either of these ideas will work, but I thought I'd pass them along. Good luck with this!

 

[faithinkarma]

Absolutely take charge of this situation. Be ready to intervene as soon as this child starts anything. The location is irrelevant. Be polite, but firm ! " I will not allow my child to play with someone who behaves this way" and follow through. If her behavior does not stop immediately, remove your child from the situation. Repeat as required

 

[RitaZ.]

... When he comes over and asks if Alex can play and he is told no for whatever reason he will say Why? Jeff HATES that and if I do not step in he will say "It doesn't matter, now go home!"

LOL

See, men wouldn't have this problem. Women want to be nice.

 

[hydster]

Thank you ALL for your advice! I guess I just needed to know that I wasnt over-reacting or being mean! It helps to hear it from people (even if I dont know you) and I plan on taking care of it tomorrow if they play! I did go out and send her home earlier this evening because they were arguing about some stupid thing and she wouldnt let it go!

Duchie- I think her situation must be similar to your nephew. We had her babysit a few times in the past and maybe she just doesnt know that she can get results by not being mean. I will make sure that I clear the air about the whole thing!

I really appreciate all of the responses and I plan to take charge of the situation...it's just nice to know that other's would do or have done the same thing in the same scenario!~!

Thanks again!!!

Heidi

 

[Serena]

I would have no problem telling her to be nice or to go home. I don't care where she is.
I would go home with her too and tell her parents why you sent her home. If they are such good friends, it will not be a problem.

 

[Fishbone†]

I have to agree with Duchie.....

....you're not going to change her, because 80% of the day, this is how she acts, and it works for her.... it's her routine and what she knows. I know Duchie didn't say that, but what she did say was "work through your kids" (that's a loose Fish† translation of what she said). Your older kids need to stand up for their younger brother - this is something they should do inside and outside of this situation (and I'm not insinuating that they don't, just talking out loud right now). If they don't let her treat him this way, she has to take on three of them to get what she wants, and those are some odds she may not work with. Her peers' opinions and actions will speak VOLUMES louder than yours - it's unfortunate, but true. If her manipulation tactics don't work, she won't use them. Talk to your kids about their reaction to it - she can't make them do anything, and if they want to "let him win", then they can work it out that way. If they want him to play, and she's the only one that doesn't, than she joins the three of them playing, or she doesn't play at all. Give them the power to control the situation - it will resolve the problem, and give them some tools to take into the future - maybe when you're not there to mediate.

JMHO of course.