I Need Help (Warning: Long)

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

Ok, I'll admit it, I haven't been "here" for a long time because I've been so off track, I'm embarrassed to even think about posting. But right now I am so close to the breaking point, I figured my only hope was to type this all out, ask for help and support and see what I can come up with.

Here goes the LONG story (with plenty of "poor me" thrown in). I do want to be thinner and healthier, but food is definitely a crutch. I am a carb addict and honestly cannot see doing Atkins or anything like that. To top it off I have many serious food allergies (life threatening) which includes lots of "good" proteins that are usually recommended when cutting back (poultry, eggs, shellfish, beans...the list goes on). I am also a "mood" eater. I eat when I am sad, tired, bored, nervous...well you get the picture.

Over the past 2 years my life has been pretty much turned upside down...and I feel like a heel complaining about it (though I have done it several times on the DIS) when I realize that others have it a lot worse. But, I'm going to be honest (and selfish), and say, I really don't care (right now) about those starving children in ___ (insert your favorite third world nation here) or the homeless living on the streets of ____ (insert your favorite city here). I care about ME and trying to improve me life.

It has been 25 months since my DH has had a "real" job (I say real because he has done some consulting since then, but it doesn't begin to amount to any kind of salary). I know the job market sucks (especially for IT people). I know he's trying. And he's looking outside of his field and I *think* he'd do just about anything if a job was offered. I'm trying to help him find a job too. And we have done all the "right" things. Told everyone, networked, looked on line, looked in the paper, networked some more...the whole deal. And I have people telling me that he's not trying hard enough and even suggesting I leave him. While this is not an option (I love my DH and he is NOT a loser, but after 2 years you start to lose faith), it does get to me. And being the only income winner in the family puts alot of weight on my shoulders. I feel it more sometimes than others. And it does effect my job performance, although I try not to let it.

Which gets me to the next part in this whiny, exhausting, rant. The economy is not great. I feel like I am trying my best to market this company, but the phone is not ringing like it once was. I know my boss considered replacing me, but decided against it. I try to do my best, but sometimes I just don't know what to do. Until the economy gets better I'm not getting an increase in salary and since our healthcare costs at this small business has gone up, so has our contribution and co-payments. Nothing horrible, but every little bit seems to dig into me.

Which brings me to health. I've got a lump in my right breast. Did not show up on a mamogram. As a result saw a surgeon who tried to aspirate it (nothing) and wants an ultrasound. Depending on that, we will either leave it alone and watch it every 6 months with an ultrasound or go the surgical route. Now, I KNOW this is NOT cancer. I'm not even thinking of it. My mother had a benign cyst in her right breast and so did her mother. So I am 99.99% sure that is what this is. But the thought of surgery scares me. (Ok, who doesn't it).

And if I do have surgery, that means I'm going to have to play around with my vacation time. And I NEED a vacation badly. We are trying to go to WDW in December (stay with friends who will let us stay at their 1-bedroom at OKW for free). Airline prices are high and let's face it, it's not cheap to get into WDW either. Been trying to save and cut back so we can do this. DH and I did get away for a few days last year to Cape Cod, but that meant a 6 hour drive up and back, plus my driving in between (DH doesn't drive). Fun, but again, alot of work for me. Our vacation before that was to WDW in September 2001 (yes, DH had just lost his job, but we had paid for most of it, so we just went). And you KNOW what happened while we were there. Getting home was a nightmare (on a 29 hour train trip). So being the selfish little me that I am, I really need some "me" vacation time. And surgery would definitely play into that.

Which leads to one last point (thank God, right?)...our family life. Since we spent last year trying to have a child with infertility treatments that didn't work, we couldn't have much of a vacation (everything was timed around doctor's visits). And now we are trying for adoption (I know...he doesn't have job, money is tight and you want a baby?!?! Are you crazy? Well, yes...but if he doesn't have a job he would be a GREAT stay-at-home dad. And the whole adoption thing can take FOREVER and who knows what might happen between now and then?). This too is stressful. We are working with an attorney and will be doing some of our own advertising (can you believe it?). We have "pitched ourselves" (for lack of a better term) to several birth mothers, but nothing has come of it. And each time is a disappointment, even though you try not to let it be.

So here I am...fat and depressed. Want to lose at least 30 lbs (40 would be better). Would be happy to see 5-10 go. Keep getting "smacked" with more pressure, more craziness, more "stuff" and turn to my "friend" (and enemy) -- food.

If you have made it to the end of this post, congratulations. If you have any advice, or support , or ideas or just anything, thank you in advance.

 

[TigH]

((((((((((Annie&Hallie'sMom)))))))))))))

Things will get better.

You said, "Ok, I'll admit it, I haven't been "here" for a long time because I've been so off track, I'm embarrassed to even think about posting. But right now I am so close to the breaking point, I figured my only hope was to type this all out, ask for help and support and see what I can come up with."

NEVER be embarasssed about asking for help! NEVER! There are no membership fees for wish, no mandatory participation, no rules that say you have to be here X days a week or X hours a day. Come and go as you please. Just know that the door is always open.

You identified WHY you eat, so now a good thing to do would be to work on changing those behaviors. Don't say you CAN'T, say you WILL.

There are still plenty of "healthy" foods not mentioned on your list of allergies that you can eat (I think!)

Try starting out very slowly. MAKE VERY SMALL GOALS for one week, like drink more water every day and do at least 10 minutes of walking. Really, just do that for one week and don't change anything else. After one week of doing just something like these two small things you will have a reason to celebrate, because you will have set a goal and made it! Then carry on doing those two things and add one or two additional SMALL changes for the next week. Continue doing this for a month and at the end of the month you will have a whole bunch of new "habits" picked up. You'll have more reasons to celebrate your health.

This is something you can control, and it will make you feel alot better too (hopefully) to get control over this when there are certain things you just can't control (like the economy).

Good luck to you! I know you can do it!

 

[disneyeveryyear]

Dear Mom,

I am not sure what to say other than hang in there and to let you know that we are all sending PD and prayers.

If you feel you need a trip to WDW and you can swing it financially, then that is your decision and in my opinion nobody has the right to tell you differently (it's not their money or their life).

I am sure both you and DH are discouraged. It sounds like he is doing a lot to look for something new, but you are right, the economy stinks right now. We are also fighting this at my employment and one person got laid off and my hours were cut in 1/2. I am determined to make the best of it and enjoy the time it will let me spend with DD before kindergarten next year.

As for your adoption route, networking is also very effective in this. Let every friend and acquaintance know that you are looking to adopt (have them network also). You would be surprised how many people know of a friends daughter, cousin, niece (you fill in person) who is looking to adopt out her child and would love to have some first hand knowledge of the adopting parents. You may want to look into overseas adoptions also. There are many adoptions still happening from China and Central and South America. I know there are organizations in our area that specialize in these and there are probably some near you also.

As for weight loss, spend a little time online and find a program that will work for you. Don't discount Atkins until you research it. I also thought that I wouldn't be able to give up carbs and yet, here I am about 10 weeks later and 23.75 lbs. lighter. Haven't had the refined carbs and don't miss them. If you had ever told me that I would go 10 weeks without pasta, I would have laughed at you! But, there are a lot of good programs out there. If you need WW info, I have some left from my last foray, and I would be more than willing to copy them and send to you so you wouldn't have to pay weekly fees.

Keep coming back, and I hope I helped just a little.

 

[bliss4us]

Hi,

If ever anyone needed a hug, you do. And please remember, as dark as things might look right now, the darkness gives way to dawn eventually. It always does, even when the wait seems impossible.

As hard as it may be right now (and it may even seem a little pointless), make one good choice today about your health. Have a glass of water instead of a soda. Go for a five-minute walk. Something that simple. Just do something different that you can feel good about at the end of the day, no matter how small.

And one thought about adoption... DH and I are in the process of adopting a child. We are going through the foster care system in our state. There are THOUSANDS of children, from newborns to teenagers, whose parents are unable to give them the care they need, and they are in foster care waiting for a loving family to call their own. The adoption process, at least where we live, is free except for the final legal fees to complete the process, and those are very low. Just a thought...

If you don't think Atkins is for you, that's totally okay. No one plan works for everyone. While I don't follow Weight Watchers, I do know that no food is off-limits with that plan. You might want to ask some of the WW experts on this board for some more info about it. Even if you're not ready to make the full committment to an eating plan, you can do some research and maybe set a goal in the future for when you'd like to start.

Money, money, money. It's so hard to stop thinking about it when times get tight. I lost my job a couple of months ago, and haven't been able to find anything in my field yet, either. DH and I already had a WDW trip planned when I was laid off. I was totally blindsided, and completely depressed when we left, and you know what? Even though we knew it was a trip we could have done without, it was the best thing for us. Sometimes you need a little Disney "unreality" to get back in shape for dealing with reality. If you can go at all, go. Relax and enjoy for a few days, and come back ready to tackle everything else that's weighing you down.

You can do it. Keep checking in. I'm sure everyone here has seen hard times, and we all know how it feels.

Daisy

 

[Rajah]

*HUGS* Sounds like you really need these. *HUGS*

Now -- you say you're going to be selfish and worry about *you* and whine? *GOOD!* Sometimes you *really* need to think about yourself first and others later. Sometimes you really *need* to whine, gripe, complain, and so on. So do it! We're here for you, and my door is always open. *HUGS again*

I can sympathize with not being able to do the various diet plans. I, too, have enough food allergies that I'm not willing to try any of the plans. But, even with the allergies, there are ways that I can eat healthier and I'm trying to do those. I'm sure you can, too. Even if it's nothing more than reaching for that bottle/glass of water instead of a coke, that can make a huge impact! So, as the others have already said, set small, attainable goals for yourself. If you're drinking sodas right now, set a goal of drinking one water in place of one soda. Then go for 2. Keep increasing that number until you're drinking more water than soda. If you're drinking sodas with sugar, switch to diet. If you can't have the nutrasweet or saccarine, check out Diet RC (with caffiene) or Diet Rite (without) -- those are sweetened with Splenda, and my mom who can't drink nutrasweet has no trouble with splenda. I promise -- the Diet RC and Diet Rite don't taste much like diet at all, surely not as much as diet coke or diet pepsi. Can you eat salads? Maybe set a goal that once a week, you will eat a grilled chicken salad or something similar instead of a hamburger or a bowl of pasta. See where I'm going? Even for those of us with food allergies who aren't able to follow the full diets, there are things that even we can do to eat healthier, and your body will thank you for it, even if you do it in just small doses. This is coming from someone who a month ago couldn't go a day without her cookies. Now I'm down to just 2 a week or so. Small steps.

Next, exercise. What type are you doing, if any? If you're not yet, try. This advice is coming from the biggest exercise wimp I know -- me. LOL! I *hate* exercise. I will *not* jog, will *not* do step aerobics, will *not* use weights, *hate* treadmills... but I finally made the choice a week ago to do *something* and am finding a form of exercise I enjoy. That's the key -- find something you enjoy. Even if it's dancing around your living room. Start small -- even if it's just 5 minutes a day. Then work up to it. Eventually you'll start feeling better. And, at least in my case, my body has been wanting more of the stuff that's *good* for me and less of the sugary stuff or bad things. And that's just after a week of exercise. You can do it, too.

At some point, you'll find the right balance of proper diet (even if not a diet *plan*) and exercise and you'll lose some of that weight you want to lose. But the other ladies here will be able to offer more advice on that point.

As for the vacation -- I understand that need for a vacation. If you need one, take one. Even if all you can find time and money to do is a weekend away somewhere, *take* it. Sometimes we need a change of scenery and sometimes even just a weekend away can be that change of scenery. If you can swing longer, take longer, but don't discount the power of a weekend away.

I'll keep y'all in my prayers, and ask that your DH find work soon. And if you ever need to talk, I'm just a PM or email away.

 

[MelanieC]

((HUGS)),

I wish I could just throw some pixie dust your way and make it all better. I like TigH's ideas about adding one or two good healthy habits and keep them up while adding more each week. That is definately one way to control (without being overwhelming) something, when everything else is out of your control. Keep coming to WISH. The support here is truely amazing. We are here for you. Keep your chin up. Things will definately turn around soon.

Melanie

 

[dizneegirl]

We all need a pity party now and then, don't we? And why is it that a good cry will do a woman soooo much good?

I've been in that place where if I didn't get a vacation and a little "me" time I would have had a nervous breakdown. Literally. Not a great place to be. Sorry you're there now.

Truthfully... nothing's going to change until you have that moment where you say "That's it." Until then, you're going to keep going down that same road, whether it be you eat too much, your job is hard work that isn't working, the bills are piling up... NOTHING is going to change until you have that moment.

It'll come. One morning you'll wake up and think "I've had enough, and I'm going to change it." It may not even be obvious to anyone else, but it'll be obvious to you... you're now in control. Changing your eating habits won't be a problem... you won't even be tempted any more. Your job will be second nature... you'll get more done, better, with less work. Things will fall into place at work, at home. Really. It will happen.

Attitude IS everything. Change that "poor me" into a "I can do ANYTHING" and you'll be surprised just how much you CAN do. I promise.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

I agree with everyone else! Just take each thing one step at a time- and that includes what you eat/trying to lose weight/etc. If you need to drink more water- just take it one step at a time (I had to do that also)... don't try to drink the "required/should drink" amount the first day. Things like that... that's just an example.
You have so much on your plate right now that really that is the ONLY way you are going to be able to deal with everything, including trying to lose weight, without losing your sanity. Seriously... been there done that. It's way too overwhelming to try to deal with everything in whole all at once. Just take baby steps and maybe it will be a little easier.

I also want to give you {{{huge cyber hugs}}} Praying that your husband finds a job soon- or maybe it's not meant to be.... so that he CAN be the great stay-at-home-dad.

 

[Mom2Princesses]

I can completely understand your frustration and anxiety about your whole situation right now. It seems you are being tugged in many different directions and you have a lot of stress and responsibility. That being said, I don't think ANY changes are possible until you sit back, and THINK....

A positive outlook is probably the BIGGEST factor in success or failure! If you have the attitude that you CAN'T, well then, let's face it, you can't! But, if you look at your life and see the good, and say I CAN, then your whole situation seems to change...does that make sense? You CAN work, You CAN see the good in your husband and love him even through the hardest times (and that means your marriage vows MEAN something to you, divorce is the easy way out when it gets tough!) You CAN love a child, You CAN go to a doctor and take care of yourself (and, yes, insurance premiums are high, but imagine if you had NO insurance just when you needed it!--I have had that occur and TRUST me, I wish I had been paying a high insurance premium at the time!))...there are probably thousands of other things that you CAN do in these situations....it all depends on how you look at them!

Make your own list, see what IS possible in these situations where it seems NOTHING is possible! And then, take some of these other WISHers advice--start small with exercise or omitting certain high sugar foods, or anything that makes you feel like you are making some GOOD choices. Truly believe that things will eventually be okay for you and your family--there is that phrase that says "God doesn't give you more than you can handle!" (or Allah, or Buddha or life, depending on your religious viewpoints...)

So, I understand the pity party, we all need them every now and again...but don't let that take over your life. Wrap it up, put a bow on it, and give it away..and then make your changes, however small, to take some control back over your own life!

I am sending you BIG Hugs and Prayers! Take care of YOU!!!!

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

Thank you to everyone who read and answered and just allowed me to be me.

I SHOULD be coming here every day for life encouragement, but I get small minded and think of weight loss only and then when I'm not a "good girl" (meaning I don't eat right...or exercise or whatever), I am too embarrassed to come here. I need to get over that. Because even if I gain 10 lbs, the positive energy here is something I should be basking in every single day.

That said...I do try to exercise on a regular basis. Most days it's between 20-40 minutes. Tomorrow when I don't have to be in the office till later, it will be more. The thing I REALLY need to learn is to keep my mouth shut! Seriously! I swear I'm like that little peeping baby bird that keeps her mouth/beak open all the time waiting for something to drop in.

I am going to visit this board regularly...weight loss or no. I'm going to whine and complain and look to you all for the positive when I only feel the negative. And I'm going to share joys and happiness too. And I'm going to do my darnedess to help others with some positive encouragement too.

I need this place...I'm just too dumb or thickheaded or embarrassed to realize it sometimes.

 

[audflash]

Oh Gosh! I just want to hug you and tell you that everything will be ok!

Sometimes it seems like life is piling up on us, one rock at a time, until we begin to feel completely buried. Did it help you to take the time to write all of this down? Please try not to feel as if all of this is on your shoulders! Pick out the things that you can control - like your own attitude/performance at work, for instance - and focus on that. The illusion of control, even just a little, is a powerful thing. You really can't find your dh a job, but you can be positive and loving (and it sounds like you are!) while he looks. The lump in your breast - that's scary, but you can't control that either. Do what the doctors tell you and keep informed - it does sound like your family history is on your side.

Do you believe in prayer? I know for myself, when I feel really helpless, that praying is what keeps me moving forward.

I know this is the WISH board, but IMHO, the last thing you need to beat yourself up over is your weight. While exercising and controling your eating may make you feel better about yourself, I don't want to see this become one more thing that you feel bad about. Do it if you can feel good about it!

Take care of yourself - do something that brings you joy today!

I am praying for you!

 

[jenanderson]

I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now. It seems like there is so much going on in your life and all of it is requiring you to really be a strong person. From all that you wrote, it seems like you have been a strong woman for a long time. I think that you may need to find some little rewards in life for yourself.

I will start with the infertility/adoption. I can speak first hand. My husband and I tried a variety of infertility treatments for 3 years with no success being told that we would not be able to have children in the end. These 3 years were the hardest years of my life. Going through this made everything else in our lives seem even more stressful as well. We never did make it to the adoption stage. After many heartaches, I can happily say that I did get pregnant (all of our doctors cannot believe it happened). I know that is not how most stories end because I was in a support group for people who could not have children. I know the ups and downs, I know the sense of not having control of things you want in life and I know just the pure heartaches infertility causes. I also know how expensive it all is which must be such a stress for you right now. All of that being said - you never are wrong for needing to vent or feel bad for yourself over this. You need to vent about this more than anything else I am sure. I am praying that the adoption stays on track and that you get through this difficult time in your life quickly.

The finances and having DH out of work must seem so overwhelming in this economy. It sounds as if you keep working so hard and just want to be able to not be the one who everyone is dependent upon. It also sounds like you really do need a vacation from it all. Lots of pixie dust is coming your way so that you will be able to enjoy that free stay at WDW.

Taking care of you - this is the most important. I am really learning with the W.I.S.H. board to set smaller goals for myself to be more successful. I am having an aweful time transitioning into this diet deal. So, I have set very small goals WITH rewards for myself. This week's goals - to resist DQ , to drink water except for my 1 can of coke each day, and to exercise at least 10 minutes each day. My reward that I can see at the end - a magazine from the grocery store AND time from all of my other responsibilities to actually sit and read it. I did this last week and it was so enjoyable I set it as my goal again. I bought it while I was shopping and then that night, I took a big glass of diet neste out on the deck and sat and read the magazine. I would not let anyone in the family bug me until I felt I was ready. I think that you are in need of some of this. Don't forget to take care of yourself no matter how hard things get. My magazine was only $.99 - find small rewards that will really make you feel good. I have also rewarded myself with bubble bath, nail polish, a candle, earings, and more. I try to keep all of my rewards under $2 but the important part is it makes me feel good and it sounds like you need to do some things that make you feel good.

We are all here for you and this group provides wonderful support! Keep your head up, be good to yourself and let us know when you need a kind word.

Jen

 

[ahutton]

I've also been away, and having trouble. I am also seriously carb addicted, and Atkins has not been a solution for me because I know I won't do it long term. My DH was laid off from his IT job and was blessed (and I really mean it) to have found another job as the market here is awful. So here is a special hug for you.

One eating plan I've found that has had some success and been a little easier to follow than others is the Carbohydrate Addict plan. My Mom (Mrs. Milo - also a WISHer) has significant and food allergies, and I seem to be developing more as time goes on. She has found a way to work Atkins into her life, I have not. One thing - I've found that when I'm eating carbs the more I "give in" the more I crave and I'm quickly totally out of control. So my recent strategy is to pick "better" carbs if I "need" them - Triscuits are a whole grain product, no flour, no sugar and I really like them. If I have those and cheese and I get and stay full. I focus on trying to find some kind of protein and mix it into my carbs. Even soy nuts are okay (they taste almost nothing like nuts but are salty and crunchy!) and I'll mix those with some raisins or dry cranberries. Not perfect, but better than M&Ms...

Hugs, prayers and PD - I'm still posting, I just having been weighing in. I may not for a while, but I'm going to keep working on it!

 

[RaySharpton]

A lot of good suggestions from fellow WISHers. I just wanted to add:

You can do it. Onward and downward.

God bless you, best wishes, and encouragement, RaySharpton

 

[ohiominnie]

I sent you a PM.

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

I have to say thank you again for all the good wishes and encouragement. It's been another busy day, so I'm just "arriving" at the Dis now. And I feel so much better today than I did yesterday.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

 

[Mrs.Milo]

Just wanted to add a few words of encouragement. I am on Atkins and am struggling to be successful. I have lost 4 pounds twice only to gain it back, so I'm still waiting for my 5 pound clippie. I am determined to do this, and need to figure out why or where I'm going wrong. I also have many food allergy challenges, but mostly do okay by rotating my foods so I don't repeat the same protein within 4 days. I think Atkins is a good choice for controlling blood sugar, but any diet will work if you stick to it. Exercise can help with weight loss, improve health, and help with stress also. {{hugs}}