I need help...please...

[snowwhite84]

I know this isn't Disney related...except to say I love Disney and include it in my future family plans. I am 22 years old. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I love him very, very much. We know we are going to get married, we're just waiting until we're a couple years older. His family does not like me. He doesn't realize it, but I do. I've known it for a while. They are just not nice to me. Without going into the long story of it, they exclude me, look for ways to keep me out of family things, etc. For background info, we're not the same religion, and I know that is a big deal to DBF's family.

Anyway, it is killing me. We live together now, we both have college degrees and are responsible adults. But his family won't invite me over for something as simple as dinner. I guess I just need to hear some words of encouragement. I love this man, but I don't know what else I can do. And, i want to raise Disney babies with him and bring them to WDW

Please, any words of encouragement?

 

[LubsPoohBear]

hun if u love him good for u love is to hard to find ... u want too marry him not his family .... they will come around when they let them selfs see how much he loves u .my inlaws didn't like me eather now they are coming aound and we have been married a year

 

[rie'smom]

It took 20 years but now DH's family loves me!!

 

[disneyfansmandl]

I would talk to him about it. He should be able to control what his family does in those situations but remember you love him, not his family.

My inlaws still hate me and we've been married for 16 years. But my DW has tried and thats all I can ask.

Hope things get better!

 

[newbie714]

I would discuss this with your boyfriend. He may notice too, and just not want to admit it....or maybe his family feels like since you are not married they don't have to or shouldn't have to include you. Maybe they feel like they really don't know you very well, even though it has been 3 years.

If your boyfriend is aware of your feelings, then he may be more aware of his family's actions...if he is invited for dinner, then he can suggest/ask to bring you too and go from there. Or maybe talk to his family and state his feelings...that he really loves you and you are important, etc. Thoughts of marriage, etc and it is important that they get to know you a bit better, ect and try to include you. If religon is their issue, that is a sticky situation.

This is tough, I know....was in the same situation Many Many Many years ago while in college (around your age)...finally decided I did not want to live in a relationship with someone who's family didn't like me or felt he could have done better. I put my feelings out there and he realized that they were colder to me than other girlfriends. I was totally in love, so I thought and was told the same. I was on my way to an awesome degree/career and very self sufficient. He never did confront his family as suggested above, and quite honestly that spoke volumes and hurt deeply. I finally had to make a decision...since being accepted for who I was was important, I felt that by not standing up for me while dating, would it happen while married, with kids, financial decision, etc. I started thinking I didn't want to feel second fiddle to his family's wants and needs and have to pound my head against a wall to make someone like me or justify my actions to them. I was not willing to compromise that. At the time, I probably would have stayed with him, if he would of only stood up for me. My family was completely the opposite and when the thought of future, marriage, kids come into play, I think it is so important to have both sets of grandparents involved. I finally ended it.

Things happen for a reason (although at the time I couldn't see that) and God works in mysterious ways.

I was reunited with my first flame, got married, 10 years ago and have two beautiful daughters! Of course I don't always agree with my in laws and of course my parents don't always agree with my husband and vice versa, but there is a mutual respect all around and both of us have great relationships with our in laws and both sets are extremely active in our children's lives.

I don't know if that helps or not...good luck. I feel for you.

 

[UrsulasShadow]

Good luck, dear. You probably ought to post this on the Community Board.

 

[cjb71870]

I will say I can't relate to your question, I've been with my now husband for 13 years and before him a BF for 5 years, before the BF I was with my now husband in High School. I've been soooo lucky with the families that came with. I have said I couldn't imagine not getting along with the family of a serious BF. 3 Years is a long time. I would hope he realizes what you are feeling. You've been excluded for 3 years to his families dinners? Just make sure , incase it doesn't change, that you can put up with it for the rest of your life. If you can live with it. Because, your young and it's alot of fun when the family accepts and loves like they should. Good luck!

 

[KrazyKowboy]

From a male perspective I say your BF should stand with you and if that means without his family so be it. More likely than not, the flack is coming from an intrusive mother. If he can't stand up to her in the situation, you're probably better off seeing it now and cut your loses short and move on without him.
Sounds cold I know, but been there done that. If a couple is really in love, it's them that matters and not what everybody else thinks. If they like you, it's icing on the cake. If they don't, you'll soon find out who's more important to him, you or them!
Your focus should be on how he reacts, not what his family thinks.

 

[newbie714]

ditto to cowboy...when one door closes, another opens....

 

[minkydog]

I agree with the poster that recommends discussing this with your BF. You should know that if the future inlaws are ignoring you now, it's not likely to get better in the near future. They may never like you and that will impact your marriage. The question is, how do you and BF plan to deal with it?

 

[snowwhite84]

Thanks so much for all the advice. I am definitely going to sit down with him and see what we can do to fix this. Thanks for the words of encouragement!

 

[mattsdragon]

Cowboy's right, if he loves you, he shoud stand by you.

What Tammy Wynette said goes both ways. . .

 

[tmt martins]

It's their lost not yours.

Make a new family with DbF and don't worry about what his family thinks of you as long as it doesn't effect how he feels about you.

 

[cleo]

Love is wonderful and all, but the reality is, you're also 'married' to his family. I would think long and hard about whether or not you want this sort of tension in your life, or if it is something you can live with.

Have you asked THEM why they don't like you? As adults, you should be able to have an honest and open communication, especially if you are going to be their daughter-in-law at some point, and they may be able to shed some light on what's going on in their minds. It's an opportunity to show you're an adult, find out what the problem is, and perhaps clear it up so that your life married to their son isn't going to be hellish.

Requiring him to stand by you and turn his back on them is a sure road to resentment. Do you think he could do it even if he wanted to? They're his FAMILY, and have been his family far longer than he's known you. I say this not to be mean, but set the hearts-and-flowers lovey-dovey stuff aside and the reality is, he's going to be your husband but he's ALWAYS going to be their son. Would you want him to require you to turn your back on your family if he thought they didn't like him? I can tell you for sure, if some woman wanted my son to dump his family for her, my love for her would not increase. Ever.

The bottom line is, you want these people to like you, right? I would take steps to make THAT happen, not to make your boyfriend prove who he loves more. Talk to them. Find out what's wrong. They may have a completely skewed vision of who you are, for some unknown reason, and you can clear it up and start down the road to a good relationship. They may also have a very good reason, which is an opportunity for you to take a look at things and decide if they have a point.

One way or another, you've got a real chance to control the direction of your future married life. Happily ever after, or feuding with the inlaws. Bear in mind, you might be the woman bearing their grandchildren. They're going to be a part of your life forever. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Make friends with them now, whatever it takes, if you want a happy husband and a solid marriage.

 

[DawnCt1]

I agree with the other posters. I am wondering however just how different your religions are. If a Baptist marries a Catholic it is not such a big difference. If a Jew marries a Catholic it is a major difference and one some parents on either side of the spectrum may never resolve. Also, religion is never that important while you are dating but for some reason, even the most casual church or synagogue goer becomes "religious" once they have children. It will be important to talk about these things with your BF and find out how you both feel now and how you think you will feel in the future.

 

[chris1gill]

I've been there! Except it was my mother that did not like DH & I was 24... but other than that, similar story...

Have you pointed out to DBF that his family excludes you from the family functions, and that it is hurtful to you? You really should tell him how you feel, because otherwise this will tear at you... Men aren't very perceptive, so he probably has no idea this is an issue...

Secondarily, his family is being disrespectful towards you, and to him as well... it shouldn't be tolerated by DBF, he's should be the one to show some backbone to his family IMHO...

I don't know how helpful this information is however?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Discuss it with your BF, figure out how to fix it or work towards bettering your situation.

If your BF is against helping this situation and it continues to "kill you", then you have to decide if this is a deal breaker.

Love is not enough...your BF has to stand with you.

 

[DawnCt1]

Discuss it with your BF, figure out how to fix it or work towards bettering your situation.

If your BF is against helping this situation and it continues to "kill you", then you have to decide if this is a deal breaker.

Love is not enough...your BF has to stand with you.

Very well said.

 

[pixie3]

Love is wonderful and all, but the reality is, you're also 'married' to his family. I would think long and hard about whether or not you want this sort of tension in your life, or if it is something you can live with.

Have you asked THEM why they don't like you? As adults, you should be able to have an honest and open communication, especially if you are going to be their daughter-in-law at some point, and they may be able to shed some light on what's going on in their minds. It's an opportunity to show you're an adult, find out what the problem is, and perhaps clear it up so that your life married to their son isn't going to be hellish.

Requiring him to stand by you and turn his back on them is a sure road to resentment. Do you think he could do it even if he wanted to? They're his FAMILY, and have been his family far longer than he's known you. I say this not to be mean, but set the hearts-and-flowers lovey-dovey stuff aside and the reality is, he's going to be your husband but he's ALWAYS going to be their son. Would you want him to require you to turn your back on your family if he thought they didn't like him? I can tell you for sure, if some woman wanted my son to dump his family for her, my love for her would not increase. Ever.

The bottom line is, you want these people to like you, right? I would take steps to make THAT happen, not to make your boyfriend prove who he loves more. Talk to them. Find out what's wrong. They may have a completely skewed vision of who you are, for some unknown reason, and you can clear it up and start down the road to a good relationship. They may also have a very good reason, which is an opportunity for you to take a look at things and decide if they have a point.

One way or another, you've got a real chance to control the direction of your future married life. Happily ever after, or feuding with the inlaws. Bear in mind, you might be the woman bearing their grandchildren. They're going to be a part of your life forever. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Make friends with them now, whatever it takes, if you want a happy husband and a solid marriage.

I second this. People say your not marrying the family but I believe you are.