I need help, I'm so confused

[Laura66]

Did I see in a post yr dad was a drug addict? If so - he certainly has changed to be able to get your husband a job and just write 50 thousand dollar checks!

So what if you and your family helped him in the beginning. He has obviously given you a great life financially.

You want to be ion your own - but really, you want everyone to support you. Your husband has been upset and kind and willing to work with you so I really don't buy that he's as bad as you say. I think, that he took the role as being in charge and making decisions because it worked and you both fell into a routine. All of a sudden you think the grass is greener in the other yard and decide what worked before is controlling and abusive.

I'm not saying things shouldn't change or can't change - but from what I'm reading I don't think you're giving him a fair chance and pulling the victim card. Were you feeling this way when you had that huge vow renewal ceremony and reception in Disney a few years ago?

And I'm a stay at home mom for the last 22 years. When my husband is working long hours - because he loves us and wants to take care of our family - I try to take care of everything at home so he can unwind! Sometimes it gets old and it's not fun but I do for him because he does for us. And neither of us just go anywhere without asking the other! It's called common courtesy. If I've had a rough time with the kids or am not feeling well he wouldn't think of going out - and neither would I if the situation was reversed.

And I have a huge problem with you lying to the kids. Believe me they know and the worries they have are a lot more scary than the truth. I remember my friends knew what was going on with their parents when I was young and my kids friends know when their parents are lying to them. The stories I hear from them. Franky I'm surprised your counselor has not told you to be honest with them. To assure them that although Mom and Dad are living apart now - we will always love you and be there for you. I keep seeing "I" in all of your posts. Where are you worried about the children? I'd have a lot more sympathy for you I guess I was seeing the same degree of concern about your children's well being instead of the focus on how much money you're going to get and a -poor me I can't go out of town.

 

[RadioNate]

I don't have time to go through this entire thing but as a person who is pretty recently divorce (3 years) you SERIOUSLY underestimate the amount of life changes and how easy and wonderful it will be.

Honestly, you sound a lot like my "grass is greener" affair having husband and 3 years later he STILL isn't happy. The marriage wasn't the problem. It wasn't perfect but HE was the problem. Make the changes you need to make and maybe you do need to divorce to do that but you need to think long and hard and adjust your view on how things will be.

My ex now sees that he didn't have a clue. Our kids have suffered. I have a low wage part-time job because it is all I can get. Just getting an interview for a "career" job is terribly difficult and I'm college educated with a pretty decent resume. Even with that I'm the one who is more financially stable. He's been devastated.

Looking back, I think he would agree that HE should have tried harder. Counseling, etc.

And to the DH who now may be reading. Know this…I am MUCH happier now. My ex's insistence on not wanting to be married to me was the biggest blessing I've ever had.

 

[CC72197]

It's impossible for me to explain to strangers all the details of my 20 year relationship. I'm going to stop trying.

Thank you all because you have all helped me greatly.

Just one thing, there are addicts called "functioning addicts" meaning they can still make money & live life despite their addictions.

I didn't feel this way when I had my big vow renewal & that was a celebration after surviving a horrific car accident and weathering yet another storm in our relationship.

Everyone has a right to their opinion especially when I post publicly about this so I respect all of you for expressing your feelings & thoughts.
But some of you have really got the picture wrong & I'm in part to blame cause I can't explain every nuance of my relationship here. It would take forever.

 

[sk!mom]

It's impossible for me to explain to strangers all the details of my 20 year relationship. I'm going to stop trying. Thank you all because you have all helped me greatly. Just one thing, there are addicts called "functioning addicts" meaning they can still make money & live life despite their addictions. I didn't feel this way when I had my big vow renewal & that was a celebration after surviving a horrific car accident and weathering yet another storm in our relationship. Everyone has a right to their opinion especially when I post publicly about this so I respect all QUOTE]

I am not judging your relationship. I have no idea if you should stay in it or not. I just don't think you are ready to leave. If you want independence then get a job and start making the changes that you want in the balance of power in the relationship.

 

[luv2sleep]

He's controlling and disrespectful. He's emotionally abusive. Why in the world is this ok? Many of the people here seem to think so. Do many of you live in marriages like this? I'm asking because I'm really curious about this because I thought most people would not choose to put up with it. I know I couldn't but I'm divorced (from an emotionally abusive man). Maybe people would have suggested I stay and work it out anyway? Have many people been through this and the other person ended to stop being abusive?

I can't tell you how many of my friends with emotional abusive husbands feel it's all ok because he says he's sorry and that he won't treat them like that again. Abuse of ANY kind is cyclical. A great, oh I'm sorry, don't leave me period, followed by a return to the same ole sane ole.

 

[SLCborn]

I don't have time to go through this entire thing but as a person who is pretty recently divorce (3 years) you SERIOUSLY underestimate the amount of life changes and how easy and wonderful it will be.

Honestly, you sound a lot like my "grass is greener" affair having husband and 3 years later he STILL isn't happy. The marriage wasn't the problem. It wasn't perfect but HE was the problem. Make the changes you need to make and maybe you do need to divorce to do that but you need to think long and hard and adjust your view on how things will be.

My ex now sees that he didn't have a clue. Our kids have suffered. I have a low wage part-time job because it is all I can get. Just getting an interview for a "career" job is terribly difficult and I'm college educated with a pretty decent resume. Even with that I'm the one who is more financially stable. He's been devastated.

Looking back, I think he would agree that HE should have tried harder. Counseling, etc.

And to the DH who now may be reading. Know this…I am MUCH happier now. My ex's insistence on not wanting to be married to me was the biggest blessing I've ever had.

As one who is starting my double digit years of being divorced this poster hit the nail on the head. Divorce is NOT easy! It is NOT always the be all end all you think it might be. I had been a SAHM but had a teaching certification. I went back to teaching after he left us which was fine but not what I wanted to do the rest of my life. I went back to school in the medical field. It's amazing to be in but I had to start on the very bottom again. My ex handed me custody of our kids, never fought for them, and has been paying me very well in alimony and child support. He is recently remarried and now the new wife is having a fit at all he is paying so as is so common my alimony is decreasing and the fact that I only have 1 child under the age of 18 now but they all still live with me...well it's a financial strain to say the least.

Divorce/separation always seems good "on paper" but in theory it's not all that it seemed it could be. The cost of keeping 2 households going is hard on ANY budget and my ex makes a decent chunk of change. It's not all easy and it's not the be all end all (at least for me) and I really wish my ex would have been willing to fight but he wasnt so we are where we are.

If you decide to do this you need to get completely honest with yourself about finances/budget/cost of living etc and you have to be honest enough to see it without ANY help you think you MAY/WILL get. Rarely does it work out that way. Most when they divorce their lifestyle takes a huge hit because it's hard to live a decent life when 2 households have to be financed.

I get wanting to be happy, supported, loved etc by your spouse....but is divorce/separation giving that to you?? Sure you may think you will be happy but being alone is isolating/depressing/scary especially when your kids are gone and you are truly alone!!! It's not always the be all end all that it seems to be.

Should you stay if it's abusive?? Hell no but being alone is no picnic either! I'm just sayin'

Good luck!!!

 

[sk!mom]

He's controlling and disrespectful. He's emotionally abusive. Why in the world is this ok? Many of the people here seem to think so. Do many of you live in marriages like this? I'm asking because I'm really curious about this because I thought most people would not choose to put up with it. I know I couldn't but I'm divorced (from an emotionally abusive man). Maybe people would have suggested I stay and work it out anyway? Have many people been through this and the other person ended to stop being abusive? I can't tell you how many of my friends with emotional abusive husbands feel it's all ok because he says he's sorry and that he won't treat them like that again. Abuse of ANY kind is cyclical. A great, oh I'm sorry, don't leave me period, followed by a return to the same ole sane ole.

Again, not judging the relationship and whether it's abusive but when someone says, I want to leave but he or someone else will need to support me then they are not taking the necessary steps to be free of the relationship. My advice, all along has been, continue counseling and get a JOB. Then decide to stay or go!

 

[CC72197]

I don't believe I said I thought it was easy. I even pointed out my toughts on what I would get in a divorce & then stated maybe I was being naive.

I also don't believe I stated I ws getting a divorce & wans't going to try.

I said we were seperating (he already left but just on a trial basis for 1 week) and we were both going to counseling. We aren't there just to work on ourselves, but on the marriage.

I'm just trying to see all sides of this and figure out what's best for me & my kids. And for the poster who said I'm all about me & not my kids. You would put your foot in your mouth if you knew me in real life. That is so far off base & far from the truth. My kids are my life & I am a damn good mother.

 

[luv2sleep]

Again, not judging the relationship and whether it's abusive but when someone says, I want to leave but he or someone else will need to support me then they are not taking the necessary steps to be free of the relationship. My advice, all along has been, continue counseling and get a JOB. Then decide to stay or go!

She SAID he's been disrespectful and controlling. That IS emotional abuse. I'm shocked that that's not obvious.

 

[sk!mom]

She SAID he's been disrespectful and controlling. That IS emotional abuse. I'm shocked that that's not obvious.

Not disputing that but the first step if you want to free yourself from a controlling relationship is to take control. For a SAHM, the first obvious step is a job. To think you will be independent while still under the spouses financial control is naive, to say the least.

 

[Skywalker]

You don't understand cause you've got it all WRONG!!!
You are a stranger & I owe you no explanations but I'll indulge you just cause you've made me so angry.

When I met my husband he had Nothing. No home no money nothing. I moved him into my parents house after begging my parents to let him live with us. I have him my brand new car to use so he could find a job. He had bad credit that I helped perfect cause he had a bankruptcy & didn't know a thing about money. My father got him his current job & everything WE have we've built together. I had no ambition other than to be his wife & mother to our children & it was a mutual decision for me to stay home & raise our kids. It was only 2 years ago that I wanted something for ME. He went to school & I supported him every step of the way. I should get the same support.

You really sound like a scorned person. Projecting maybe?

Not scorned. Or projecting, but nice try. Actually I have never been in a situation anywhere near this, and my opinion is coming from a neutral place. I stand by that I was shocked to hear someone basically spell out how they can live off their husband while asserting it was their time to be independent and free of that very same person.

So far the one good thing you have acknowledged about your husband was at least he was a good provider that has given your family a very privileged life...of course now you are negating that by claiming all credit for that as well.

I don't think this man can win with you, seems you have decided he is responsible for all that is wrong with you and your life, you (and your dad) are responsible for all that went well, and you are some kind of caged bird longing to be free. I find life is rarely that one-sided, that's all.

 

[livie1205]

Not going to give OP advice but I am disgusted that someone posted her other username after she asked for that certain privacy, NO ONE knows if her husband could have been abusive, if he is looking for her internet history and posts that is a red flag. We have no clue if any of this is true but because of that it was reckless and not ok at all to call her out. This is NOT the place to get support.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG... I so totally agree with many of these recent posts!

First, I think it is clear that, while nobody here knows this person and their husband, some of the statements that she has made have been real red flags... One does not have to be held at gunpoint and have open bruises and scars to be the victim of a controlling and abusive man. Again, we don't know... But, I see enough to know that I am not the one to tell this person that they should stay in the marriage.

And, of course, most people here are recognizing that it does, always, take two to tango. I don't think I am seeing a lot of baseless man-bashing here. Most everyone is questioning the OP as well.

About divorce... That decision is up to the individual. At least they are both in counseling, and that is a good thing.

I also will say that anybody who will openly identify a poster who is posting in secret because they feel that they are in a controlling relationship that has been abusive in the past... That is irresponsible and just wrong on every level.

I do think that the only consensus here, and it is a big one, is that the OP is very mistaken if she thinks that she will ever have the self respect, independence, and other things that she is looking for, while still remaining so very financially dependent on her husband. No matter how she supported him in gaining these finances, or how much she feels she should be 'entitled' to. (god, that word just gets me, every time)

As I have mentioned before, I think the real million dollar question... the one with all of the real answers, is why, even when considering separation and divorce, she just simply can not see herself independently of this man.

OP, I am glad to see that you both are in some counseling, and that there is this trial separation... I think that both of these are really absolutely mandatory for you.

But, I am still very fearful that what you think you think you are seeing in your husband's actions is not as you think. I think you continue to leave yourself in a very, very, vulnerable place.

 

[Laura66]

OMG... I so totally agree with many of these recent posts!

First, I think it is clear that, while nobody here knows this person and their husband, some of the statements that she has made have been real red flags... One does not have to be held at gunpoint and have open bruises and scars to be the victim of a controlling and abusive man. Again, we don't know... But, I see enough to know that I am not the one to tell this person that they should stay in the marriage.

And, of course, most people here are recognizing that it does, always, take two to tango. I don't think I am seeing a lot of baseless man-bashing here. Most everyone is questioning the OP as well.

About divorce... That decision is up to the individual. At least they are both in counseling, and that is a good thing.

I also will say that anybody who will openly identify a poster who is posting in secret because they feel that they are in a controlling relationship that has been abusive in the past... That is irresponsible and just wrong on every level.

I do think that the only consensus here, and it is a big one, is that the OP is very mistaken if she thinks that she will ever have the self respect, independence, and other things that she is looking for, while still remaining so very financially dependent on her husband. No matter how she supported him in gaining these finances, or how much she feels she should be 'entitled' to. (god, that word just gets me, every time)

As I have mentioned before, I think the real million dollar question... the one with all of the real answers, is why, even when considering separation and divorce, she just simply can not see herself independently of this man.

OP, I am glad to see that you both are in some counseling, and that there is this trial separation... I think that both of these are really absolutely mandatory for you.

But, I am still very fearful that what you think you think you are seeing in your husband's actions is not as you think. I think you continue to leave yourself in a very, very, vulnerable place.

Well - you can always be depended upon!

I think many of us just don't believe her version of the story. Not saying that there aren't issues - but I'm not buying into all these "red flags". The red flags I'm seeing are of a husband being blindsighted by someone who thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

He may have seen this thread - he may not have. We only have the word of the OP to go on.

 

[Skywalker]

Erotic romance, different subgenres in that genre. Six books out now, all self published (I did get offers from 2 publishers in the genre but chose to self publish instead) I am doing really well with it, all 4 & 5 star reviews for my books. Sales are good too.

...really? You got 2 offers from publishers and decided self-publishing was better. Right. lol. I know a lot of writers and 2 publishers making offers (do you have an agent? Did you submit to these publishers?) is very rare and to turn them down is like a sports prospect turning down the major leagues because they prefer playing in their little town field. If you are serious about your career, not a good move.

 

[NHdisneylover]

He's controlling and disrespectful. He's emotionally abusive. Why in the world is this ok? Many of the people here seem to think so. Do many of you live in marriages like this? I'm asking because I'm really curious about this because I thought most people would not choose to put up with it. I know I couldn't but I'm divorced (from an emotionally abusive man). Maybe people would have suggested I stay and work it out anyway? Have many people been through this and the other person ended to stop being abusive?

I can't tell you how many of my friends with emotional abusive husbands feel it's all ok because he says he's sorry and that he won't treat them like that again. Abuse of ANY kind is cyclical. A great, oh I'm sorry, don't leave me period, followed by a return to the same ole sane ole.

I think many posters here, myself included, are NOT saying that being controlling and emotionally abusive is okay at all--but are questioning if the OP's husband really is that.

When a relationship is falling apart, or when someone is having a life crisis (mid or other wise) and unhappy with themselves, it is both natural and easy to look outside of yourself for someone else to place blame on--someone you can make the bad guy and blame for all of your problems.

Given the lack of grounding and reality that the OP displays in some of her other posts it is very possible she is not seeing things clearly or realistically and is throwing out the term "abuse" when that is not really the case--though she may be talking herself into seeing that as true in her own mind right now (or it MAY be true--but it sure does not come through in this thread, or prior ones). Certainly a "look" indicating he doesn't like the idea of her going to a conference is not abuse of any kind.


IF, it turns out that there is no true evidence of abuse, and the OP is making the decision to leave absent abuse, adultery, addiction, or other major reasons to get out--AND she has shown herself capable of working but having chosen not to, etc--I would be stunned if a judge ordered high amounts of support--and I also think the PP who pointed out that the kids might well blame her for breaking up their home life and choose to live with dad, is onto something there.

 

[NHdisneylover]

...really? You got 2 offers from publishers and decided self-publishing was better. Right. lol. I know a lot of writers and 2 publishers making offers (do you have an agent? Did you submit to these publishers?) is very rare and to turn them down is like a sports prospect turning down the major leagues because they prefer playing in their little town field. If you are serious about your career, not a good move.

I was thinking it would look bad in court. If OP is trying for spousal support and it is shown that she had publishing offers (a means of supporting herself) and chose to turn them down; I just cannot imagine that that would bode well for her.

 

[JanaDee]

I think many posters here, myself included, are NOT saying that being controlling and emotionally abusive is okay at all--but are questioning if the OP's husband really is that. When a relationship is falling apart, or when someone is having a life crisis (mid or other wise) and unhappy with themselves, it is both natural and easy to look outside of yourself for someone else to place blame on--someone you can make the bad guy and blame for all of your problems. Given the lack of grounding and reality that the OP displays in some of her other posts it is very possible she is not seeing things clearly or realistically and is throwing out the term "abuse" when that is not really the case--though she may be talking herself into seeing that as true in her own mind right now (or it MAY be true--but it sure does not come through in this thread, or prior ones). Certainly a "look" indicating he doesn't like the idea of her going to a conference is not abuse of any kind. IF, it turns out that there is no true evidence of abuse, and the OP is making the decision to leave absent abuse, adultery, addiction, or other major reasons to get out--AND she has shown herself capable of working but having chosen not to, etc--I would be stunned if a judge ordered high amounts of support--and I also think the PP who pointed out that the kids might well blame her for breaking up their home life and choose to live with dad, is onto something there.

I agree with everything you've said.

I also find it interesting the OP writes romance novels and has become increasingly unhappy with her life and marriage as those fictitious stories developed.

 

[Laura66]

I hope the husband is snooping and seeing this - that way he can prepare himself. I'm thinking his lawyer would advise him to NOT leave the home.
(And FTR - I don't buy that he did snoop - maybe the window on the computer was "left" open?)

 

[NewRVLady]

...really? You got 2 offers from publishers and decided self-publishing was better. Right. lol. I know a lot of writers and 2 publishers making offers (do you have an agent? Did you submit to these publishers?) is very rare and to turn them down is like a sports prospect turning down the major leagues because they prefer playing in their little town field. If you are serious about your career, not a good move.

I seriously rolled my eyes at this. I know a couple people who Printed their books-still have them all in their garage

However, there is a venue for niche writers-like paranormal and erotic. Such as Kindle. And if OP has self published, its probably on their

here's a link to a young write who sold 1 1/2 million copies of her books on Kindle....
http://publishing.about.com/od/Self...uccess-Story-E-Book-Author-Amanda-Hocking.htm