I need help, I'm so confused

[Wishing on a star]

I'm a writer and have seen sucess in books I have written in the past 2 years. I know I cannot support myself on what I have going on right now, but in the future, I could have a small amunt of money coming in, meaning enough to let's say reasonably cover a car payment.

Okay, just out of curiosity....
Would you actually be planning on living on child support, help from family, etc...

What type of job, with steady, regular, income would you be considering?

He would have to have quite a substantial income, and be very very willing, to be providing enough for you to give your kids the life you would probably want to.
I am guessing, based on your posts, that you might find out very quickly that he sees $$$ as another method of maintaining control.

Just based on the very, very, limited info given...
I am hearing "He makes very good money, I have never had to have a regular job to help provide..." Along with the absence of any thoughts or plans on immediate income... I am reading "I know what I'm entitled to and I *think I would be ok."

Is 'being OK', because you are financially dependent on him, really what you would be going for?

That sounds like you are almost assuming that everything will be taken care of, in some way, by somebody... other than yourself???

 

[goofyintoronto]

Thanks for the hugs.
Sorry if I was too vague. My husband is very controlling & I guess I am not ok with that anymore. I've allowed a lot of things to happen because I had the attitude that the good out weighed the bad. I've allowed myself to be disrespected repeatedly. To the point that I totally lost myself in this marriage. I don't know where he ends and I begin.

I can relate to this. I experienced this in my marriage. Which is why we're no longer together! It was the best decision we could have made. I pretty much "found myself" once I had more independence and was on my own.

About your financial situation, sorry but you have a very long road ahead of you. The fact that you dont work/are solely dependent on your DH puts you in a sticky situation. It would be wise to obtain a stable job until your career as a writer takes off. The question is thou, would you be able to juggle both while being a single mom?

Good luck with whatever happens. Continue with the therapy for sure.

 

[JanaDee]

I will be brutally honest. I am in a similar situation to yourself (similar number of years married, my kids are 17 and 12, SAHM parent, etc), though luckily I have a loving, happy marriage.

It sounds like you are having a mid-life crisis and an "OMG, how did I get where I am today" moment and you're thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

Did this "potential new career" come with a new group of friends?

 

[goofyintoronto]

This. The 11 year old isn't gonna buy the business trip story. None of my kids would have from about age 6 and up.
I'd be honest with them - something's gonna slip and they'll know you two have been lying. They won't trust you and their imaginations could run wild with worry.

I actually disagree. How well do you think the kids will take this: "listen kids, your dad is going away for a couple of days, this will be a test for us both to see if we really should be together or not". The kids WILL freak out once you share this with them. They WILL be worried. Why worry them NOW when its possible that after some therapy, their marriage might be saved? Sure the kids might suspect something is off, but what if they dont suspect? I dunno. Its a tough call. Thats just my opinion.

 

[EMode]

I will be brutally honest. I am in a similar situation to yourself (similar number of years married, my kids are 17 and 12, SAHM parent, etc), though luckily I have a loving, happy marriage.

It sounds like you are having a mid-life crisis and an "OMG, how did I get where I am today" moment and you're thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

Did this "potential new career" come with a new group of friends?

I think you are way off. Nothing the OP has said makes it seem like she is going through a mid life crisis.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My wife went through a similar phase at a similar age. Time to put me first, something I'd encouraged her to do many times, but she never did. And she let thr resentment build up for many things that weren't even my fault, nor the fault of the kids. And no, I wasn't perfect or innocent, but I wasn't as bad as all that either. We were separated for all of 2 weeks and we were both completely miserable the entire time. Anyway, it was a big wakeup call for both of us, and we put it behind us. I subscribed to the Mort Fortel series of daily message and found them very helpful. Might be worth a look.

The thing is, we sometimes reach a place where we need a big change in life. But, the biggest thing we have to change is ourselves and how we respond to hr World. Splitting from your husband in and of itself will not make you a happy person. Without inner change, it will just be a new form of misery - one that comes with even more problems than you have today. Best of luck to you.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Desnik -

I feel for you - I have always liked your posts.

Please do not take this poorly - but could it be a mid-life crisis - or a wow is this it moment? I think a lot of people get to be about 40 and look at where they are and think life should be better.

If you are seeking financial independence - what is stopping you from getting a full time job and working towards that goal?

Do you want to date other people? Or do you want to grow as a person and then see if you want to be married?

Sorry for all the questions - hard to know without more detail.

 

[JanaDee]

I think you are way off. Nothing the OP has said makes it seem like she is going through a mid life crisis.

As someone who has BTDT, everything she has said makes it seem like she is going through a midlife crisis.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I think you are way off. Nothing the OP has said makes it seem like she is going through a mid life crisis.

I agree. Especially since the OP and her DH have actually spoken about separation and are having a trial run.

 

[EMode]

As someone who has BTDT, everything she has said makes it seem like she is going through a midlife crisis.

I disagree, she mentioned in her OP that this stems from past issues, they tried to turn crap into something good, and that the respect is gone and they speak horribly to eachother. That sounds like more than a wife having a mid life crisis, its sounds like real, true marriage issues.
But I can relate not all of us are lucky enough to be in loving happy marriages forever, sometimes they just go bad not because someone is having a mid life but because someone finally has woken up.

 

[pryncess527]

I think you are way off. Nothing the OP has said makes it seem like she is going through a mid life crisis.

I don't know, this comment kind of gave me that thought

It's so scary to me to think about not having him to depend on like I do. Which is part of why I feel I need to be seprate from him. I need to grow up, be independant, feel like I'm with him because I want to be, not because I need to be.

perhaps mid-life crisis isn't the right word though.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

As someone who has BTDT, everything she has said makes it seem like she is going through a midlife crisis.

I'm with you - Desnik sounds like she is having a midlife crisis.
(based on what info she has shared)

 

[pryncess527]

This person is posting under a different DIS name for privacy reasons. It seems some of you have figured out her actual posting name, but perhaps we shouldn't type it out? If she'd wanted us to know her normal posting name, she'd have shared herself.

 

[CC72197]

Can you all please edit your posts that state my user name

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm a long time DIS member posting under a different name for privacy reasons.

I really could use some advice or maybe I just need to talk.

My marriage of 17 years is headed for separation and I am sitting here wondering how I got to this place. My husband & I have weathered many storms, but this time it's different.

I am a SAHM with 2 kids (16 & 11) They don't know what's going on. DH will be leaving the house today for a sort of trial basis so we can both have a moment to think, clear our heads & figure out what we want. We are telling the kids he's going on a business trip. I'm not even sure that's the right thing to do, but that's what we decided.

We aren't fighting, we are talking & we both started individual therapy & tomorrow we will go in together.

Our issues stem from long ago. We basically tried to turn crap into something good. That worked for awhile. We've had our ups & downs but we always end up in the same place. The respect is gone. We speak horribly to each other & then we started doing it in front of our kids.

I am at a place in my life where I recently finally started to do something for me. I've kind of found myself at almost 39 & am pursuing a career that I love & am passionate about. There are things in my life I will not put up with anymore. I am tired of putting everyone else in front of myself. My husband has always chased his dreams & I've taken care of our home, the bills, our kids, everything. It's my turn. But the dynamics of our relationship just can't remain the same because I am a different person now. I don't think my husband will be able to make the changes he needs to, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure it matters if he does.

I depend on him for everything, my life and world revolves around him & our kids. Financially I am also totally dependant on him & have never worked outside of the home. The career I'm in doesn't aloow me to make much money now, but could in the future. I'm terrified of having to support myself. I'm scared of being alone. I am so sad about doing this to our children.

But my husband has done so much to me in the past that I thought I could get over, but I feel I was left with a piece of me broken.

The crazy thing is, we work great as a team most of the time when it comes to our kids & things pertaining to the household. If you see us you'd think we were the happiest couple. Everyone in our family looks up to us cause we are the only couple still together. But no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

I'm just so scared and confused. I'm not eating or sleeping properly & that's really bad because I have health issues & really need to take better care of myself.

I just feel like we are both changing so much and it's either going to lead us in diffeerent directions or towards each other in a completely different way than we have been for the last 17+ years. All I know is that things can't stay the same because I feel like I'm drowning

What kind of changes are you looking for - both in your own life and from your husband? I think clearly defining these has to be a first step.

You say he's controlling, but he willingly left the house. Getting a positive vibe from that, because some people who are very controlling might refuse to leave. In that light, I'd be curious how you define controlling, because to a degree, isn't this "part of the package" in many households having the type of arrangement you've had?

 

[JanaDee]

Can you all please edit your posts that state my user name

You've given out details that have made it easy to figure out who you are.

 

[EMode]

I don't know, this comment kind of gave me that thought



perhaps mid-life crisis isn't the right word though.

I don't know what she said in her OP and that he is controlling and she has been disrespected to me means there is much more going on. Maybe she is going through a mid life crisis but to me that is more a symptom of her unhappy marriage not the reason she is unhappy in it.

It's very hard to know the reality of what is going on with the OP based on a few posts. I just hope whatever the reason she is able to get to a place where she is happy and things work out for the best for her.

 

[pryncess527]

You've given out details that have made it easy to figure out who you are.

That still doesn't strike me as good reason to out her. Let others dig up the name if they care. Why not give her the privacy she asked for?

 

[Kellydelly]

I would get your financial ducks in a row before you make any big decisions. I don't think it sounds like a mid life crisis like the previous poster stated. If you guys are both in therapy, I am guessing there is much more to your plans to possibly divorce.

 

[JanaDee]

That still doesn't strike me as good reason to out her. Let others dig up the name if they care. Why not give her the privacy she asked for?

I didn't post her user name.