I need advice - Matron of Honor/FSIL problems

[DVC Bride 2011]

Hi girls

I've posted in my PJ the drama I've been having with DF's older sister who is also my matron of honor. She is 36, I am 22 but before we were engaged, we got along fabulously. I asked her to be in the wedding because we got along well and because she is DF's only sister and he has NO family coming to our wedding. I couldn't NOT ask her! Since our engagement 11 months ago, she has been giving me a lot of grief about the wedding. To start with, when we got engaged and decided to wait about 2 years for the wedding, she said she was glad we were waiting that long so she could have some time to lose weight. I never asked her to, nor do I care what she weighs on our wedding day. I didn't ask her and then say she needed to be XXX lbs on our wedding day. But if she wants to lose weight, fine. I did not think it would become a major issue.

Next issue: she hates my color choice. I have wanted pale yellow since I was young and she HATES it. She has tried to get me to change my color ever since we got engaged, even though she knew I wanted yellow when she agreed to be in the wedding. I was going to 'give in' and let a couple girls wear pale blue, but the more I think about it, the more I really don't want to do that. My mom keeps telling me to stick with the color that I want.

A month ago I made an appointment at the store where I got my dress to go back and pick out the bridesmaid dresses. I've been in there a few times to look at the dresses and have a few in mind, but I really like this one halter dress. It's not skimpy or inappropriate for someone who is 36. When I told MOH last month that I made the appointment she flipped out about it because it was "too soon." (We are getting married May 2011, so 11 months out isn't crazy soon). She has not lost any weight but she has also made zero efforts to do so (no diet, no exercise) so I figured she wasn't making it a big priority anymore. She told DF that she thought it was ridiculous that I was "making" her go so soon because HER plan was to wait for her 3 boys to get out of school for the summer (mid June), then repaint her living room, and THEN start her diet and when she loses enough weight, THEN she would be willing to go look at dresses. I get that she is uncomfortable with her body - a lot of girls are, including myself and some of my bridesmaids. BUT that doesn't mean I'm going to wait until she's at her goal weight to go look at dresses. That would take months and quite honestly I know her and I know she's not going to lose weight, she's not motivated or determined enough. I know that probably sounds mean, but DF and I know her and know that it won't happen.

Next issue. Last weekend at a picnic she approached my sister (who is 18) and told her she needed to convince me to change my color to blue, and that the two of them should pick out their own dresses regardless of what I say or think. This made me furious. I thought about letting her pick out her own style but DF told me not to, that I shouldn't bend anything for her because she needs to learn not to be so selfish and self-absorbed. She always gets her way because she whines and whines and he doesn't want me giving into her with our wedding.

So then yesterday she called DF with a question and I asked him to remind her about Saturday and she said she might not make it. I told her the date and time for the appt a MONTH ago. Her reason is because she took a last minute cleaning job (she cleans sometimes for extra spending money - not to pay the bills or anything) and because she doesn't have anyone to watch the kids. I was mad that she took the cleaning job because she's KNOWN about this and I also said to bring the kids, I don't care if they're there, SHE just needs to be there. (She also asked DF to skip a funeral he has to go to on Saturday to watch the kids...unbelieveable).

So what should I do? I want her out of the wedding, she is causing so many problems and is being so incredibly difficult but she is DF's sister. If she doesn't show on Saturday, am I supposed to make another appointment to go back with her? I already know I want one color and one style, so I was going to tell her if she doesn't make it to the appointment she can either go in and order the dress on her own time or if she's unhappy with the dress she can sit the wedding out. I am really torn right now. I can't even put into words how selfish, whiny, and difficult she has been about everything. Am I being bridezilla? Am I asking for too much? Help me!

 

[KR1343]

 

[MsEsty]

I agree that you should not change your color for her. I can see maybe changing the style if someone is concerned that a dress is too revealing, too short, too low cut etc, but it is your wedding. Don't change your vision for your DF's sister.

I think you can have a heart to heart with her and say that you understand that "things are really tough for her right now" so to take less stress off her shoulders, you ARE going to make her a reader/some honor position. That way, she can wear whatever she darn well pleases.

Personally, just from reading your PJ, I think she is going to be an issue no matter what you do. I would remove as many strings from her to allievate your own stress. Your MOH should be your bumper to block you from stressors, not be your biggest source.

 

[Brit_Jude]

No you are not being a bridezilla. Sorry that she is making this difficult. Stick with what you want. Would you have DF's support in talking to her?

Tell her gently but firmly this it is your wedding day and that you are looking to her as MOH to support you in making the wedding the way that you want and she should not being trying to change anything or coerce others into making changes that you don't want. While you certainly want her ideas and suggestions you are set with the colors and choice of dresses you want for your wedding party. Follow up with if she cannot support you in your choices for whatever reason that you are sorry and she has the option to not be in the wedding party but that you would support her participating in the wedding as a guest or as an usher where she can wear whatever she would like if that would make her more comfortable.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I love the show Bridezillas because... sheesh.... it's amazing how some brides can be so inflexible and neurotic. In your case, they need to make an Attendantzillas show. If it's already been a year that your future SIL has known your wedding is coming up and she still hasn't lost weight ... she never will. That's totally on her - nothing you can do about her self-image. And yes, it's a pretty common thing for attendants to not like the color and/or style of their dress - she needs to grow on up and either deal with the color or bow out of the wedding party gracefully.

Have you seen the movie Bride Wars (I think that's what it's called)? I LOVE the part where the one bride has a whiny, self-absorbed MOH and, on the wedding day, finally snaps and tells her "Today is not about you; it's about me. Your job is to talk about my bridal beauty..." I can't remember it all right now but it was great. Don't wait for your wedding day - have that talk with your MOH now.

 

[daisygirl902]

So I almost had an anxiety attack reading this! No way anyone should be putting you thorugh this for your wedding!

My MOH wasn't thrilled about the dress choice I made, she wanted a different one, but I said "Hey - it's my wedding" and she pretty much immediately stopped complaining (and she is only 16!!)

It's your wedding - you should have the color you want, and the dress style of your choosing (unless for some reason the dress style looks hideous on her - which isn't likely). I would have heart to heart with her and just offer her the option of ducking out of the role if she wants - i love the PP suggestion of giving her to option to be a reader instead if she is uncomfortable with your choices.

Man - she should see the dress I wore at my sister's wedding!! Shiny purple with dyed purple shoes to match, in about the most unflattering style I could have put on....but we wore them, we smiled, and we chuckle about it to this day! It was her day, not mine!

 

[DVC Bride 2011]

Wow, she is being really mean. First, stick with the color YOU want this is not her wedding it is yours!!! Second, stick with the dress design YOU want, this is not about what she likes it's what you like. I'm sure you are the same as me and want to please everyone, but this is the day of YOUR wedding. I have had so many people tell me that and I am finally sticking to what everyone is telling me! If she does not agree what you want, ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding. Give her the choice, this is what I am picking if you do not like it you can decline to be in the wedding. I hope she understands (which she should if she got married) that this day is about you and your future husband.
I hope this helps

I at least know I can't feel guilty about the color I feel somewhat guilty about the style, but I keep telling myself that she will be unhappy in ANY style at this point, so there's not much point in trying to find one she likes. Plus DF doesn't want me to, lol. Thanks for the advice & for listening!

 

[DVC Bride 2011]

I agree that you should not change your color for her. I can see maybe changing the style if someone is concerned that a dress is too revealing, too short, too low cut etc, but it is your wedding. Don't change your vision for your DF's sister.

I think you can have a heart to heart with her and say that you understand that "things are really tough for her right now" so to take less stress off her shoulders, you ARE going to make her a reader/some honor position. That way, she can wear whatever she darn well pleases.

Personally, just from reading your PJ, I think she is going to be an issue no matter what you do. I would remove as many strings from her to allievate your own stress. Your MOH should be your bumper to block you from stressors, not be your biggest source.

I totally agree and so does DF - she will most likely be an issue until the end. If it's not all about her, she has to make it about her. Oh well, DF says she's been like this her whole life and talking to her doesn't do much good. If it gets worse, or she pulls a no-show tomorrow then I'll have to sit down and talk with her.

 

[DVC Bride 2011]

No you are not being a bridezilla. Sorry that she is making this difficult. Stick with what you want. Would you have DF's support in talking to her?

Tell her gently but firmly this it is your wedding day and that you are looking to her as MOH to support you in making the wedding the way that you want and she should not being trying to change anything or coerce others into making changes that you don't want. While you certainly want her ideas and suggestions you are set with the colors and choice of dresses you want for your wedding party. Follow up with if she cannot support you in your choices for whatever reason that you are sorry and she has the option to not be in the wedding party but that you would support her participating in the wedding as a guest or as an usher where she can wear whatever she would like if that would make her more comfortable.

Yes, DF is just as annoyed/frustrated with her as I am. It's pretty bad when we have told her pretty much everything you said to tell her, except for the part about not being IN the wedding, and it hasn't sunk it. I guess we will see what happens at our dress appointment tomorrow! Thanks for the advice!

 

[DVC Bride 2011]

I love the show Bridezillas because... sheesh.... it's amazing how some brides can be so inflexible and neurotic. In your case, they need to make an Attendantzillas show. If it's already been a year that your future SIL has known your wedding is coming up and she still hasn't lost weight ... she never will. That's totally on her - nothing you can do about her self-image. And yes, it's a pretty common thing for attendants to not like the color and/or style of their dress - she needs to grow on up and either deal with the color or bow out of the wedding party gracefully.

Have you seen the movie Bride Wars (I think that's what it's called)? I LOVE the part where the one bride has a whiny, self-absorbed MOH and, on the wedding day, finally snaps and tells her "Today is not about you; it's about me. Your job is to talk about my bridal beauty..." I can't remember it all right now but it was great. Don't wait for your wedding day - have that talk with your MOH now.

Yes, I have seen that show! I may just have to sit down and watch that with her Or 27 Dresses - the part where she's explaining to the reporter why she wears all the hideous dresses

 

[DVC Bride 2011]

So I almost had an anxiety attack reading this! No way anyone should be putting you thorugh this for your wedding!

My MOH wasn't thrilled about the dress choice I made, she wanted a different one, but I said "Hey - it's my wedding" and she pretty much immediately stopped complaining (and she is only 16!!)

It's your wedding - you should have the color you want, and the dress style of your choosing (unless for some reason the dress style looks hideous on her - which isn't likely). I would have heart to heart with her and just offer her the option of ducking out of the role if she wants - i love the PP suggestion of giving her to option to be a reader instead if she is uncomfortable with your choices.

Man - she should see the dress I wore at my sister's wedding!! Shiny purple with dyed purple shoes to match, in about the most unflattering style I could have put on....but we wore them, we smiled, and we chuckle about it to this day! It was her day, not mine!

Ahhh it's bad when a 16 year old has more maturity than a woman 20 years her senior!

I should collect a bunch of ugly BM dress photos and give them to her as a gift to show that the dresses I've picked are nothing compared to the dresses of the 80's & 90's My mom's BM's wore hoop skirts! And by the way, FSIL's BM dresses were hideous! Purple-y velvet with white lace...

 

[GirTheGecko]

I feel so sorry for you. I hope you can resolve this. It's your day, and I don't think you're being unreasonable. Unfortunately, if you don't get this resolved, she might continue being difficult about everything and trying to get her way. Like a pp said, you might want to have her bow out of her MOH role and into something like a speaker.

I am so thankful that my wedding party is so easy going, no issues with the color, and as excited as I am about my wedding! I remember when I was in my future SIL's wedding, I thought to myself "I will do whatever I can to make her day special." and I did. I wish all brides had that kind of a bridal party!

 

[erin.w]

Just wanted to say hello to a fellow CT 2011 bride! And good luck! My only bridesmaid is my sister, and she is enough!

 

[BeckyAnn87]

i had a similar problem with my MOH... so I told her I would find someone else... it started bcause i decided i didnt really like any flowers in general. I dont really care for them. So i finally decided on yellow roses for my bridesmaids (they are wearing cornflower and my groosmen canary so i switched the flower colors). well, apparently months before she had mentioned in passing that she wanted yellow roses in her wedding. Now, the bouquet she will carry is not going to be ANYTHING near the size of a bridal bouquet, and shes not even dating and doesnt WANT to date anyone.

well, she was a bit upset and started complaining about how now she would have to think of other flowers for her wedding (again no boyfriend or interest in dating right now) bcause she cant do the flowers she wants because there is already going to be a picture of her with yellow roses... she was also upset because apparently her mother carried them in her own wedding...

well my fiance pointed something out to me when i told him. at first i was trying to think of ways to make it work out to have her. but when she adamantly REFUSED outright i told her i'd find someone else. 1)its the brides day... a bridesmaid should never flat out refuse to do something for the bride. 2) my fiance asked if her mother was dead - to which the answer is no - at which point he was like "then shes just stupid"

i still feel awful about my treatment and not opting to pick another flower for at least her, but when youa re getting married you need your friends to be supportive and there for you... your bridesmaids are supposed to be that. and if they cant be that, then should they really be in your wedding???

it sounds selfish, but unfortunately we do need to keep that into consideration... of course if there are other things liek dress is too revealing for them or they have religious reasons for something, those should be observed and noted and compromised on by the bride etc. but the bridesmaids should NOT just flatout refuse to carry a type of flower or wear a certain color or get a dress different from what you want...

 

[Elsha]

I don't think you're being a bridzilla at all. It seems like it's time for her to suck it up and stop being such a drama queen...stick to what you want hun.

Dare I ask how it went today?

 

[daisy2]

I don't think your being a bridezilla at all. This is your wedding and you want your dream wedding. If your SIL can agree with what color you have chosen than she need not be in the wedding. She needs to remember this is yours and your DF wedding not hers. Good luck I hope everything works out.