I love my mom but...

[KiminChicago]

aaargh! Here is the actual conversation I had with her today:

Me: Hey mom, we just got back from the Solo and Ensemble competition and Eddie did really well.

Her: How was it?

Me: He got a superior rating on both his solo and his duet piece.

Her: Really?

Me: Yeah, who knew he'd turn out to be so talented?

Her: We have a lot of talented kids around here.

Me: Yeah, it's great that all of them have turned out so well (Note: I was including my nieces and nephew too but I was also thinking, would it be so bad for her to acknowlege that my son has some talent all on his own -- it doesn't mean no one else has talent). I'm just amazed that he can make such beautiful music since I can't play an instrument at all.

Her: Well, I suppose that's our fault since we never paid for you to have lessons when you were younger. (Note: my mom has never had a driver's license and we moved out to the suburbs when I was 6. Basically, if we couldn't get somewhere by riding a bike or walking, we didn't go.)

Me: Well, the past was what it was. There's really no point in regrets.

Her: Ok, well I guess I should get off the phone now, you sound terrible (my allergies are really bad so I'm hoarse and coughing a lot!)

Me: Ok, then I guess I'll talk to you some other time.

So in the space of one short phone call, she turned my compliment of my son into a suggestion that I think the rest of the family has no talent, subtly suggested that I was blaming her for the fact that I can't play an instrument and managed to tell me I sound horrible. As I said, I love her but sometimes AARGH!

 

[Rora]

Sounds like my mom..

 

[handinpocket]

aaargh! Here is the actual conversation I had with her today:

Me: Hey mom, we just got back from the Solo and Ensemble competition and Eddie did really well.

Her: How was it?

Me: He got a superior rating on both his solo and his duet piece.

Her: Really?

Me: Yeah, who knew he'd turn out to be so talented?

Her: We have a lot of talented kids around here.

Me: Yeah, it's great that all of them have turned out so well (Note: I was including my nieces and nephew too but I was also thinking, would it be so bad for her to acknowlege that my son has some talent all on his own -- it doesn't mean no one else has talent). I'm just amazed that he can make such beautiful music since I can't play an instrument at all.

Her: Well, I suppose that's our fault since we never paid for you to have lessons when you were younger. (Note: my mom has never had a driver's license and we moved out to the suburbs when I was 6. Basically, if we couldn't get somewhere by riding a bike or walking, we didn't go.)

Me: Well, the past was what it was. There's really no point in regrets.

Her: Ok, well I guess I should get off the phone now, you sound terrible (my allergies are really bad so I'm hoarse and coughing a lot!)

Me: Ok, then I guess I'll talk to you some other time.

So in the space of one short phone call, she turned my compliment of my son into a suggestion that I think the rest of the family has no talent, subtly suggested that I was blaming her for the fact that I can't play an instrument and managed to tell me I sound horrible. As I said, I love her but sometimes AARGH!

Really? That is what you got from the conversation? It just sounded to me like a Mom trying to carry on a conversation. Definitely a whole lot of issues we don't know about.

 

[DisneySaver28]

Really? That is what you got from the conversation? It just sounded to me like a Mom trying to carry on a conversation. Definitely a whole lot of issues we don't know about.

I think it's all tone. The conversation can take two completely different meanings depending on how it was said!

 

[PixieTopaz]

Man she sounds like MY mom

No matter what my kids do-the favorite grandson(he really is a genius) has done it better.

I no longer share too much-she just turns it into what that grandson is doing better-etc

 

[KiminChicago]

Really? That is what you got from the conversation? It just sounded to me like a Mom trying to carry on a conversation. Definitely a whole lot of issues we don't know about.

Would it help if I explained that if I said I thought the glass was half full, she'd insist that it was half empty? She really is a lovely person, I just get frustrated sometimes when her outlook seems so negative.

This isn't the first time I've heard the whole "It's our fault we didn't do things for you kids" speech and I've never, ever suggested that I regretted not getting to do certain things. However, I'm sure it didn't help matters when my sister was in therapy and her therapist suggested that it was my parents' fault that she is the way she is....

 

[handinpocket]

Would it help if I explained that if I said I thought the glass was half full, she'd insist that it was half empty? She really is a lovely person, I just get frustrated sometimes when her outlook seems so negative.

I'm sure you know your Mom and how she is. Keep your chin up, this too shall pass.

 

[starrzone]

HUGE to you. My mother isn't quite like yours, but she is VERY passive-aggressive and it annoys me to no end. "Want to go to the gym with me?" means "You've gained weight and I don't believe you when you say you're still going". Other times she's painfully blunt: "Maybe if you slim down, your cousin will have you in her wedding". So while our situations aren't quite the same, I'm familiar with being frustrated with your mother's words.

Oh, and congrats to your son! I played piano for 6 years and clarinet for 6, and I had a great time with both band and private lessons. Reading musc isn't easy; it's like learning a whole new language!

 

[hereyago]

Just because we may love them, doesn't mean we have to like them.

DM says to me: You don't love me , usually when she gets she can't have her way or I won't wait on her hand and foot-as df did. I just walk away from her-we live together- and her family including df enabled that, however i don't.

 

[MichelleVW]

Really? That is what you got from the conversation? It just sounded to me like a Mom trying to carry on a conversation. Definitely a whole lot of issues we don't know about.

It didn't sound bad to me either, but I guess if you heard it in person it would be different?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I love the part where she cuts the call short. (Assuming you had a short call).

My mom does that alot.

Carrying on a real conversation--then out of the blue...

"Well I guess your busy, so I'll go now".


Yeah mom--I'm busy talking to YOU.

I actually started calling her on that--and she doesn't even realize that she did that.

I'm sorry that she had to have her guilt trip and take you along. That was weird.

 

[Bluestars]

I can see why you weren't thrilled with the call. She never once told you that she thought he did a great job.

Well, it sounds like your son did a wonderful job. I know a superior rating would make me very proud of my child.

 

[minkydog]

Would it help if I explained that if I said I thought the glass was half full, she'd insist that it was half empty? She really is a lovely person, I just get frustrated sometimes when her outlook seems so negative.

This isn't the first time I've heard the whole "It's our fault we didn't do things for you kids" speech and I've never, ever suggested that I regretted not getting to do certain things. However, I'm sure it didn't help matters when my sister was in therapy and her therapist suggested that it was my parents' fault that she is the way she is....

My mom is exactly like this. If any of the grandkids do something big she'll acknowlege the accomplishment, but immediately make a negative comment on some other thing, like their hair or their weight or how they took the last dish of ice cream with they were 7. It's like she just has to temper the compliment. And she can't give a compliment to one unless she compliments all 8 grandkids and passes judgement on them("Bo(21) is so brilliant; it's a shame he's telling everybody he's a homosexual. He houldn't say that. He doesn't know what he's saying!" Yes. She actually said that!)

Last year I spent 8 weeks in a psych hospital with severe suicidal depression and I did NOT notify my mother. I told two of my 4 siblings, only because I knew they would be supportive and keep their mouths shut. I have had bouts of depression in the past and Mother has never been able to accept it--she has tons of negative war stories for every occasion. How she's depressed, how something she did made me this way, how I was always so anxious and she's so anxious and it's all her fault. I just didn't want to deal with any of that so I didn't tell her. We live 400miles away so it wasn't hard to keep her in the dark. I don't know if I'll ever tell her because she can't be supportive and empathetic--it's all about her!

 

[bumbershoot]

I can see how the tone of her voice must have made all the difference.

On the other hand, this line to me seems to have sparked the downward spiral..."Yeah, who knew he'd turn out to be so talented?" I'm SURE you said it in a lighthearted, gently sarcastic way, but I wonder if she heard it very differently, and therefore turned the conversation. Since you say that she's a half-empty glass person, I'd watch out using phrases like that, and ONLY keep it positive.

She says "really?"

And instead of what you said, say "yes, it was so thrilling!"

Just my thoughts as I read through it...

 

[hereyago]

Last year I spent 8 weeks in a psych hospital with severe suicidal depression and I did NOT notify my mother. I told two of my 4 siblings, only because I knew they would be supportive and keep their mouths shut.

First off, hope you are feeling much better now.

Second, Doesn't it reek that your mom wouldn't "have your back" sort of speak?

I don't even trust my DM with a lot of things, because I learned early she didn't have my back. BUt , I do have a dd11 and I do a lot of things differently because of it.

 

[minkydog]

First off, hope you are feeling much better now.

Second, Doesn't it reek that your mom wouldn't "have your back" sort of speak?

I don't even trust my DM with a lot of things, because I learned early she didn't have my back. BUt , I do have a dd11 and I do a lot of things differently because of it.

Yes, I am much much better now, in a completely different place And yes, it sucks that my mom doesn't have my back. But it's something that I have had to accept--she is who she is. And at 75 she's not gonna change. So I can love the lovely parts about her and ignore the unlovely parts. She's not vindictive, she just doesn't have a clue how to be supportive. Unless it's to one of her lady widow friends--with them, she says and does all the right things. I have often said she would *never* treat her friends the way she treats her children.

Lucky for me I have two of the finest sisters in the world and a brother who would lay down his life for me and give me anything I needed. They are all 10 times more supportive of me and they are the ones I turn to when things are good or baaaaaadddd.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have an anxious, glass half empty kind of mother too. I love her dearly, but it gets worse as she gets older.

She's almost 84, in decent health, still lives independently with my father and is financially comfortable. Not wealthy, but not indanger of having to eat mac and cheese for the last week of the month till the next SS check comes.

Her latest thing is that at every family gathering she must announce that she "may not be here next year" or that she "could die any day now". My stock response has become "don't die till after dinner. I don't want a lot of leftovers". And no, she is not sick. She has a couple of "normal" old age issues...arthritis, some failing eyesight...but all in all, she's quite fortunate.

And like minky, there's a lot of things we don't tell her. She just doesn't need to know because she will either have some negative commentary on it or worry herself sick over it, depending on what it is....

 

[cm8]

I have an anxious, glass half empty kind of mother too. I love her dearly, but it gets worse as she gets older.

She's almost 84, in decent health, still lives independently with my father and is financially comfortable. Not wealthy, but not indanger of having to eat mac and cheese for the last week of the month till the next SS check comes.

Her latest thing is that at every family gathering she must announce that she "may not be here next year" or that she "could die any day now". My stock response has become "don't die till after dinner. I don't want a lot of leftovers". And no, she is not sick. She has a couple of "normal" old age issues...arthritis, some failing eyesight...but all in all, she's quite fortunate.

And like minky, there's a lot of things we don't tell her. She just doesn't need to know because she will either have some negative commentary on it or worry herself sick over it, depending on what it is....

, that was funny, but I do get what you are saying

 

[iwrbnd]

My husband's mom had lots of wonderful qualities but the lady just couldn't give a compliment! I'll never forget when my DH told her he got into one of the most prestigious family practice residencies. She spent the next half hour talking about how family practice is a waste of time and she would just go straight to the specialists! I about died!

 

[erincon23]

Kim, are you sure we don't have the same mother? My mom's favorite saying, "oh, you don't want to do that..." I also have a musically talented child (isn't it fun!). He's about to present the biggest project of his high school career -- writing and directing an adapted one-act play, for which he wrote original music -- and my parents may not come, because they have tickets for a community concert series one day over that weekend, and may have other things going. They have never seen one of the HS musicals he's been in, because they winter in Florida. (They do come to stuff when they're in town, but I don't get the sense that they're doing it beyond a sense of obligation). But they have plenty of criticism --from us letting him major in music in college to how we're raising him and his brother (mostly having to do with my younger son's issues and how we're taking care of them). I really have to grit my teeth. My MIL, on the other hand is wonderful. I don't know that there's any cure or any better way to handle it other than accepting the fact that she's like that, and having a good sense of your own worth and your children's worth. Good luck.

Erin