I have decided I really don't like my husband

[tinatark]

I agree with some of the pp's who say it's a cycle many marriages go through. I told my DH last week, love is a decision you have to make everyday, consciously... if you don't make that decision, it's easily will go away - he didn't agree at first, but after he thought about it, he did.

You are at a point where it will be easy to get it back - it sounds like things have just grown stagnant in your relationship.

 

[NMAmy]

This sounds like a sound and lonely place to be in and I am sorry However, it also sounds like (based on what little information is in the post) that you are not making much effort to help yourself here.

Even if you "don't care" if he sits in the den, fix a couple of drinks and snacks you both like and go sit with him and talk anyway. Try to arrange it so that you DO eat as a family when possible (even if you don't care) and engage your husband in the conversation. Make plans for the TWO of you to go out and do something once in a while. Just get it on the calendar and do it.
Honestly, I feel sorry for you that you are lonely in your marriage--but I feel even sorrier for your husband hat you are seeing you have grown apart and not making any sort of effort to fix things (unless you are and did not post about it).

Of course, counseling is another great place to look for help (but others have laready said that many times).

I agree with Hadley. If you don't like being just roommates with your spouse, then make a real effort to change that. If he's not responsive to this, then it's time for counseling and perhaps divorce.

You sound very sad and very lonely. Marriage shouldn't be like that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with Hadley. If you don't like being just roommates with your spouse, then make a real effort to change that. If he's not responsive to this, then it's time for counseling and perhaps divorce.

You sound very sad and very lonely. Marriage shouldn't be like that.

She does sound sad and lonely and that may be part of the issue. OP you may have some depression and when you are in that "place" it is hard to deal with the struggles of life.

In other words you focus on the negatives and have a hard time actively doing positive things to try to improve your situation with your dh.

Counseling for yourself can be a good thing. Join things and become more active to widen your circle of life. Actively seek out positive things in your life for yourself.

If you can get your mindset in a more postive place then perhaps your perception on how to proceed with things will change.

This of course is in addition to talking things over with your dh. Making some small changes in your life may bring on different feelings toward him. And certainly if your intimacy level of your life with your dh is non existent you can work on that one with him as well.

I will be married with my dh for 20yrs come Dec and been together for 24yrs as well.

 

[shortbun]

I think marriages wax and wane as far as spousal favor. What you and the others are experiencing is pretty normal but will take some direct attention to repair. Set up a weekend for the two of you and make sure there is plenty of activity in the destination that is fun. We don't schedule 'fun' with our spouses. You fell in love having fun and then we expect that love to stay without any fun.

 

[HM]

I read something the other day, that I mentioned to my husband of 22 yrs and it made him smile. The article said that we should try doing new-to-the-two-of-you things, like when you first dated. It helps bring back memories of why you fell in love in the first place and helps you find new things to talk about. I signed us up for a month of dance lessons. It's something we've never done before and I've been wanting to do for years. I'm going to be keeping my eye out for other opportunities for us to do things together that we've never tried before.

We all get in ruts in our relationships with our spouses if we don't work at keeping things fresh. We're a couple of homebodies with two teens ourselves and it will be work to change things up for us. But I'd like to try. I hope you will too. Good luck!

 

[penn19]

There are alot of people out there in the same boat as you....just saying....

Agreed!

 

[MamaJessie]

I read something the other day, that I mentioned to my husband of 22 yrs and it made him smile. The article said that we should try doing new-to-the-two-of-you things, like when you first dated. It helps bring back memories of why you fell in love in the first place and helps you find new things to talk about. I signed us up for a month of dance lessons. It's something we've never done before and I've been wanting to do for years. I'm going to be keeping my eye out for other opportunities for us to do things together that we've never tried before.

You still love him, so why not try to bring the spark back?

 

[NCRedding]

I would say that if you've reached a level of gret distance between your husband and you, I don't recommend the weekend away. DH and I tried that, and because of our lack of communication and emotional distance, it seemed very forced, awkward and uncomfortable. We backed away and started out small: a dinner out, etc.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I have to say that everyone that I know has gone through this at one point or another, including myself. We are about to celebrate 21 years of marriage soon and we have certainly had our ups and downs, but like someone else said, love and marriage is a commitment and it's a lot of work. You have to "want" it in order to be successful. There is not one marriage out there that would survive happily with out working on it.

A friend and I were just talking about how busy we are with the kids being cheerleaders & all of the craziness with that & with soccer games too. We tend to put the kids before our husbands. The problem is if we don't do things to have time for "us", then their may not be an "us" when they are grown and out of the house. It's easy to grow apart.

I think it's great to get away for a couple of days with just the two of you. We do this and it's nice because we both get the attention that we want, plus we get a break from the kids! Most of the time, we stay in the city that she lives in, but it still feels like we have been somewhere.

I think that the most important key to a marriage is communication. You really need to let him know how you feel. He may not have a clue that you are so unhappy. I hope things get better for you.

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

Look back at what you feel in love with him for and try to rekindle that flame, also marriage counseling can not hurt. If you have children that takes a huge toll on the relationship set up a first date night and see how that work as romantic as you can make it, away from home. Sometime things get stagnant and you need a jolt to the relationship a way for both of you to re connect but it will take effort on both parts

That's all good,but sometimes the person you fell in love with is gone..totally changed, and not for the better.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's all good,but sometimes the person you fell in love with is gone..totally changed, and not for the better.

If that is the case, I would not be married to the person.

 

[minniebeth]

Time to reconnect! Retrouvaille (retrouvaille.org) is a great place for y'all.

Phenomenal! I have several friends whose marriages were saved with the Retrouvaille program!
Hugs to you, OP, I wish you the best~

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

If that is the case, I would not be married to the person.

Easier said than done sometimes.

 

[cm8]

I love him, but really really don't like him. I am finding more and more that I don't care if he works late, don't care if he sits in the den, and don't care if we eat as a "family" I am sad that we have been married for 20 years and together for 24. I am sad that we have an 11 and a 15 y.o. who's world would suck if we split.

I just don't know what to think anymore.

I know the feeling too well!!!! Hears for hoping that you find some common ground and get back to sharing the joys of life

 

[lovepurple]

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and together for 25. There are times when I really don't like him. But the feeling comes and goes.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

What everyone above said is right. You NEED to MAKE time for each other. Talk w/him about the times you were dating. Re-live some date you had. Sometimes our friendships with others dissolve, because both parties stop running in the same circles and people fade in and out of each others lives. This cant happen with our mate. We need to make the time to talk, play, re-kindle that old flame.

 

[Ohiodislover]

Thanks everyone. I am going to try, and really do hope it is not too late for us. We did go out for a drink after work yesterday. Didn't go to dinner cause we didn't want to leave the girls at home without notice. But maybe that is a step in the right direction.

Thanks again.

 

[ZADS]

Perhaps you've grown complacent with each other. Talk to him. Perhaps go away somewhere exotic and discover new things together, just the two of you. Get to know each other again.

If that doesn't work, then perhaps it's time to get to know yourself again. I think sometimes we become lacklustre with life, or each other, and all it takes is a little spark to see things and people in a new light.

I hope it all works out for you and your family. I think communication is key. Not just between your husband, and yourself, but keeping the kids informed gently would help them too (I'm guessing, because I don't have children, but if I were in their place, I'd want to know).

Sending you prayers.

Regards,
ZADS.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Glad to hear your update. It does get easier as the kids get older. Heck, dh are together all the time because the kids hardly ever go anywhere with us.

Now we are off to WalMart.....

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Yep, me being one of them,,,,

Same here. Only it includes my teenagers, as well. We all know teenage girls are notorious for distancing themselves from their mothers...well I am going through this and the husband thing. We are both so ambivelent about it. And I'm sick, but not a "real illness", so no one in this house really wants anything to do with me. I stay back in my bedroom and stay online. I'm so lonely I could..I don't know. No, not hurt myself or anyone else.

Sorry...I'm not trying to compare notes with you. I know how you feel with your DH, though.