I hate...

[GoofyDad869]

Begin lame rant.

Here in Tennessee we had a few really nice days this week - sunny, mid 70s weather. Which was really nice. Which ALSO brought me to thinking that soon I'd get to do the one thing I really, really hate to do. Mowing. Yep, you heard me right. M-O-W-i-n-g.

I don't really know when this hate-hate thing started with me. I've been mowing yards for years - it's not hard work, good exercise, grab a few breathes of fresh air, drink a brew after a job well done... I mowed the yard for my dad as soon as I was tall & heavy enough to push the mower. My first job when I was a pre-teen was mow the yards for a bunch of old ladies in the neighborhood. Not hard work, good spending money, always got a good tan...

I've owned my own home for more than a decade. My yards have never been really big or especially difficult to mow. Our present house is pretty much all sloping yard, but it's all gently sloping (just a few steep spots), about 1/2 acre. Not a whole bunch of trees (We have six trees in the yard). It's all planted grass, no sod. I fertilize in the spring. Spread seed in the fall. Weed as required. I've got all the mowing patterns figured out, and I can get it done in about 60 to 75 minutes. Including the Weed Whacker, I'm done (complete with drinking a brew) and hitting the shower by the 90 minute mark. It's not physically difficult for me.

My neighborhood is nice - but not ritzy (there are very few truly manicured, serviced lawns). I mow once every two weeks in the spring (mid March through April), then once a week through the summer, then back to once every two weeks in October & into November. Some of the neighbors are twice-a-weekers, some have sodded yards. I'm saying all this just to express that my yard isn't the worst in the 'hood, but not the best either.

It just seems to me that mowing is about the most useless human activity there could possibly be. Let's all plant major portions of our property with something that requires constant maintenance. Real good. If you enjoy walking across the yard at regular pacing and distances, be my guest. Wave to the neighbor driving by. Ka-chunk. Hope that wasn't something (formerly) alive. Personally, I hum tunelessly along with a song I heard earlier, or carry on imaginary conversations with not-present people over events that happened days before. Sometimes I come up with really amazing new invention ideas while mowing, which I've usually forgotten by the time I'm out of the shower. I blame it on the job-well-done beer. Maybe I should just get an iPod and crank it up to '11'.

The only circumstance where having a manicured lawn might be for golf, or for playing lawn games like croquet or bocce. Cool. Fine. Except, I've misplaced my bocce set. Whatever happened to lawn darts? Those were lots of fun. Except when you'd run over one while mowing.

If I would have my way, I'd just cover my whole friggin' yard with AstroTurf and call it good. Hose it down every couple weeks - it's all good. There's a new version of fake turf that looks *just* like grass. Provided you squint at it, and don't get near it. So it could be AstroTurf. Either that or just let the yard grow wild. Tempting...

And why is the activity of mowing such a contest with lots of guys? "Yep, I growed all these little green plants, cut 'em back down, and they all look right purty..." I have friends who spend a lot of time and money on their yards. Cool. Fine. Whatever. It's just that I don't see any "Good Lawnkeeping" camera crews tooling around... And I've never attended a lawnkeeping award ceremony either. Maybe my invitation keeps getting lost in the mail.

Just let me get mine done, and let me get on with my life. It's a chore for me - nothing more, nothing less. It looks good for a day or two, then it starts to look merely OK, then it gets to looking a little long. Sigh. Time to do it over again. Oh well, at least there's a beer (or two) at the end of the process.

Maybe I should just hire a professional lawn-care service. But then I'd probably be complaining about that too. It's not a big hardship either way. It's such a small yard I'd feel really silly hiring someone else to do it for me. Plus I'd be giving away man points at the next neighborhood block party. Where are all those neighborhood kids? When I was in that age, I'd canvas my neighborhood looking for people (I called 'em "Marks" back in the good old days) without the time or energy for mowing... Kids today, I tell ya...

My kids are still too young to help. Maybe in a couple of years. Or maybe I can start pumping growth hormones into my son's daily cheeseburger or something.

(lame) Rant over. Carry on about your business.

 

[SnowWhite33]

You know your rant has many valid points and I for one vote that you just let it grow wild. It makes me think of a few other mostly useless human activities.

Making the bed-I do this everymorning and yet it's unmade every evening-pointless really.

Dishes-No sooner are they all clean, somebody has to have a drink or snack.

Laundry-it's a job that is never truly completed, unless of course you are a nudist.

I'm sure there are others, these are just the ones I equate with lawn mowing.

 

[salmoneous]

You know, under different circumstances, I would agree with you 100%. Come June, I'll be right there with you: "What the heck are you idiots doing - watering the grass????? That just makes it grow!"

But it's 18 degrees outside and we are getting another dusting of snow tonight. So my rantings are just going to have to wait awhile.

<grumble> 70 degrees and he's complaining </grumble>

 

[SC Minnie]

If one neighbor cuts his grass then all the men have to cut theirs! Its like a contest or something.

We will be in the house and hear the neighbor start his mower and DH will start cussing because that means he has to cut ours that day or the next. And if DH cuts ours first the men on both sides are out there within 24 hours.

 

[mickeyboat]

Begin lame rant.

If I would have my way, I'd just cover my whole friggin' yard with AstroTurf and call it good. Tempting...

DH says he wants to cover our yard with asphalt. Nice!

At least you are not shoveling!

Denae (in Vermont)

 

[Tracey1974]

If one neighbor cuts his grass then all the men have to but theirs! Its like a contest or something.

We will be in the house and hear the neighbor start his mower and DH will start cussing because that means he has to cut ours that day to the next. And if DH cuts ours first the men on both sides are out there within 24 hours.

That's me! If my neighbors are out mowing then I am on my DH to get cracking so that our lawns all look nice together!

 

[KAMommy]

As GoofyDad's wife, I want to clarify that for YEARS he has been telling me, "I really like mowing! It gives me time to think and work through problems".

The big fat liar!!!!

 

[Cantw8]

Holy crap, man...you crack me up At least you don't have to mow this

 

[kmp1191]

I actually fight w/ my DH to mow the grass...we both like doing it...it gets us away from the kids for an hour or so!! Usually I do the backyard (because no one can see if the lines are straight, which they aren't!) and he does the front..(because he's a freak!!)

 

[TheRatPack]

Too funny!

I mow our yard with the push mower, including 2 steep ditches and 2 fairly flat ditches. I have 4 flower beds that I also maintain. Now when my husband mows, he breaks out the riding mower and weedeats around the flower beds so short (read in to the dirt) that the grass doesn't grow back all season LOL

(This is the same guy that when made to mow as a young boy his mom caught him weedeating not so nice words in her back yard!!!!)

 

[KAMommy]

I will tell another funny on my dear hubby...

A good friend of ours is one of those who takes GREAT pride in his yard. He is one of those who mows twice..."you do one direction and then you have to go the other direction because some of the grass blades lay down during the first pass". Also, that's how you get the checkerboard design on your lawn.

GoofyDad, upon hearing this says, "I mow my yard twice too. I mow it and then a week later I mow it again".

 

[koopa]

If one neighbor cuts his grass then all the men have to cut theirs! Its like a contest or something.

We will be in the house and hear the neighbor start his mower and DH will start cussing because that means he has to cut ours that day or the next. And if DH cuts ours first the men on both sides are out there within 24 hours.

Same thing with shovelling snow.