I HATE my family - VENT!!!

[TheDisneyTraveler06]

OP: for you. We're here for you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can certainly understand your feelings!

However, if the ring (and possibly some pearls) are the only big probems.. consider yourself lucky and let it go!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If your Grandma wanted someone to have something she should have made a will or gave it to the person.
Since she did not do this it is "anything goes".
So I know you want to put all your blame on the family but please remember that your Nana has to bear some responsibility.

I know how awful it gets and how it will make you feel. My grandparents are gone, DH grandparents are gone and been down that road enough. It stinks and there is nothing you can do.

 

[Laura]

My grandmother (my mom's side) has already bequeathed some specific items, and this has all been done with a lawyer and so forth--I know that I'm to get a ruby ring, for example. The reason is because one of my uncles is an antiques dealer and has in the past taken family heirlooms and sold them. This kind of specific bequeathing is a good idea for everyone to do, no matter what kind of family situation they're in. Why? Well, my mom passed away years ago and left everything to my father. Despite this, someone has requested to get her engagement ring. This person first asked prior to her death, and even wore it for a while without permission after she died. My father has since kept it in a "safe place". Because my father's will is to split everything among us kids equally, I wonder who will get that ring. I really don't want it, but I'm hoping that it will go to a future grandchild and not the person who "stole" it. Really, anyone else (except also my antiques dealer uncle) can have it. But it may be that the thief will eventually get it, since "anything goes" and we kids simply share equally in my father's estate. There is only one item that belongs to my father that I would like when he passes. I mentioned it to him one day, but I would NEVER expect to receive any particular item unless he specifies it in writing.

 

[salmoneous]

I'm guessing there is a ton behind the scenes we aren't hearing about, and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

But, just going by what is in your post, the only problem is the dividing of a few pieces of jewelry. You say you don't even care about the jewelry, but are just worried about people being hurt. But is anybody actually being hurt? The only thing I see in your note is that Valerie *might* be hurt.

Look, not trying to argue with you or anything. As I said, you are clearly frustrated and ranting is good for the soul.

But if you want practical advice as to what to do next, I'd say focus on what is really bothering you here. Are *you* being treated unfairly - and so unfairly that it bothers you? If so, figure out what you want and ask for it. But let everyone else worry about them self. Carrying a family grudge is a tough burden. It's even tougher when you are carrying it for someone else.

 

[mickeyfan2]

This is how families are. I would not ever speak of the ring again. It will only cloud your wonderful memories of your grandparents.

 

[NMAmy]

My grandparents went through situations like this with my grandfather's family and so they made us put our names on anything we wanted. After my grandmother died and my grandfather sold the house and the contents, he honored every single piece of tape on the bottom of an item. I got my grandmother's chair and a picture that hung in their dining room. That's all I wanted and looking at them reminds me of both my grandparents. No arguments between kids and grandkids because it had all been figured out in advance.

We're going through a few issues right now with DH's family since his mother passed away in November. We were not expecting anything since his father is still alive but recently received information on an inheritance. DH's brother is a bit miffed because the money was not divided evenly--the two older brothers each get a third, DH and his twin get 1/6th. DH talked to his dad and his dad was trying to explain his mam's reasons for doing that--DH told him, we weren't expecting anything and she has a right to bequeath her money however she wanted. I think his dad was really relieved that DH wasn't fussing about it.

To the OP--Sorry to ramble so long but this is really common. Try to let it go--a death can bring out really weird emotions and people don't always act rationally. You know your Nana loved you. You don't need a thing to prove that. Perhaps ask for something small that reminds you of her. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[mrsltg]

I'm guessing there is a ton behind the scenes we aren't hearing about, and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

But, just going by what is in your post, the only problem is the dividing of a few pieces of jewelry. You say you don't even care about the jewelry, but are just worried about people being hurt. But is anybody actually being hurt? The only thing I see in your note is that Valerie *might* be hurt.

Look, not trying to argue with you or anything. As I said, you are clearly frustrated and ranting is good for the soul.

But if you want practical advice as to what to do next, I'd say focus on what is really bothering you here. Are *you* being treated unfairly - and so unfairly that it bothers you? If so, figure out what you want and ask for it. But let everyone else worry about them self. Carrying a family grudge is a tough burden. It's even tougher when you are carrying it for someone else.

You're right -this is the TIP of a Titanic type iceberg. There has been so much infighting and though I'm far from being a saint, I have managed to keep myself above the fray. What I am really ticked about here is the canonization of Christy and the ignoring of Nana's wishes which has been a problem for sometime). I guess something had to finally set me off and boy, this has!!! So often my mom and aunts and associated others just open their mouths without regard to anyone else. Their actions are often reprehensible (ie, my mother happened to be there when Nana died - other aunt comes into the room in the ICU screaming at the top of her lungs at my mom that she knew Nana was dying and didn't call anyone - talk about embarrassing!) and this time I'm just stoked. I don't want to come across as selfish, and I really, truly, honestly don't care about anything in that house. I just hate that no one stopped to think, "gee, there are two other granddaughters and this may be slightly offensive to them." Oh well. What's done is done. And yes, I do care that Valerie be given something special. As I said, Nana was at my wedding, I'd at least like to see the other two girls have something of Nana's at their wedding.

Lesson learned, though. Everything that matters to me will be specifically willed. I have two daughters and I want them to have specific things and share specific things (the earrings their father gave me to wear for our wedding).

Thanks again to all for the advice. I really appreciate it!

 

[minkydog]

There's one in every family When my Grandpa died, his four daughters divvied up what was left. One daughter got there first and took ALL the photo albums. It turned into a free-for-all. In the end, I received two little figurines of an elf sitting on a mushroom.My Grandmother kept those figurines on her dresser and kept her pearls and rings in them(the price on the bottom says $1.98! ) My mother was furious that i had been so overlooked, but I was happy with what i got.

When my dad died my sister & I went up to sort things out. Thankfully, we had seen how our mother's family reacted and took pains to make sure we didn't make those mistakes. Still, we had a few moments. I did take all the photos and family Bibles, because we wanted to keep them together and no one else had a safe place to put them. i also took a teapot that my sister had her eye on--but only after she had already taken two(she collects them). We found a collection of coins and divided them up amongst all teh grandkids--each got a little baggie of money from my Dad.

Hugs to you. Frankly, this is a good example of why people need to update their wills. Grandparents and parents need to put all this stuff in writing before they die so it doesn't become a relationship-buster afterwards.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Hugs to you. The death of family members is hard enough but combined with property division its even harder. I have no real advice but it definitely sounds more like your feelings are hurt as opposed to you wanting anything of monetary value. Good Luck with everything.

And a story that might make you feel like you're not alone...When we moved my DGPs into a nursing home we started closing up their home. This home had been in the family for 4 generations but no one else wanted to move to MA. My Aunt (uncle's wife) had been removing antiques for years. Everyone kept their mouths shut as the pieces M&D wanted were still there. The only thing I requested from my uncle was the jars of beach glass that my DGM and I had collected over the years (said just that way). My DSiss didn't want it and uncle has no kids. So he said, "Of course you can have it." My aunt chimes right in, "Well let me see it before you give it to her!" This is the only time I have ever seen my uncle snap at her. "Oh for goodness sakes, its beach glass that has sentimental value to her. You can't have it!" (cleaned that up for the boards but you get the idea). He took it down, told my DH to get a box and started packing it up for me. Once auntie dearest saw it she was all smiles "Well of course you can have that. What a wonderful memory." Uh yeah, its wonderful and you didn't have to give up anything of any monetary value. My uncle then gave me the desk that my DGM had used for years. I think he felt very badly because he told me to go pick anything else in the house.

I have only one DD so hopefully things go smoothly. I have several DSDs that aren't in the will. Even our atty recommended that we write everything down and keep a copy of it with the will. This way our intentions are clear after our death and no one can play the old "But Nana wanted me to have this."

 

[minkydog]

oh I can relate big time!! My grandmother passed away 3 years ago. She has 7 children living...and over 20 grandchildren and a few great grandchildren..she was only 63!! It was her 7th heart attack! I was one of the oldest granddaughters. My mom was the only girl!... I stayed w/my grandmother for years growing up. We were very close. When she had open heart surgery, I slept at the hospital w/her @19 yrs old...I was the one that went to the meetings on how to care for her when she came home...we were VERY close to say the least. Right after we left the cemetery my grandfather tells us he wants us to come the next weekend and divide all her stuff and whats left is going in a garage sale.!!!! This is just after leaving the cemetery!!! My uncle about died!! We went into the house... grandpa gave my sister "the oldest grandchild" her wedding rings that she had on her hands... he gave me her original wedding rings that she had wore up until the past year or so...she had bought porcelain dolls for years and years and always said when I die you 4 girls will split them. "the 4 granddaughters that were close to her" well... after how my grandpa was acting I didn't go back the next weekend... actually I've only visited him once in the past 3 years since her death. He dumped all her stuff at my sisters and got remarried a few months later!!! This is how you treat the woman you were married to for over 40 years ...I have her wedding rings and the dolls that she gave me while she was alive...and that is it. That is fine w/me. They can have everything. We all will be judged one day for our actions here on earth I would talk to your mom, even if it doesn't go any further than that. you and your cousin are entitled to something of equal value...at least something that was special. Good luck...and trust me I feel your pain! Sorry so long... I'll be praying for you

Try not to be too hard on your Grandpa. Some people react badly to death and just want to get rid of the things that remind them of their spouse. My Dad's GF was horrified that we went through his stuff and gave it away within the week, but it's what WE needed to do.

Most men can't live alone for very long, especially elderly men. They need to be taken care of and they get very lonely without a companion. It's not about dis-honoring your Grandmother. I hope he honored her in life. But he wants to move on. Try to love him anyway, even though you are hurting.

 

[alliecats]

Families get so ugly after the death of a loved one and material items are up for grabs. I would definitely let my feelings be known if I were you...but then again I am a type A personality and couldn't NOT let my feelings be known.

Your idea of finding three things of significance to dispurse among the granddaughters sounds like a good idea to me...run it by your Mom.

ITA with Tiggersmom.
to you. Some members of your family are acting very petty.

 

[fivefordisney]

Has there been a family meeting, or has this been done with a few members here, a few members there? The reason I ask is that sometimes there is clarity (especially in matters of fairness) when all are present to hear every person's point of view. Sometimes, in the translation, what one person said last week, gets reported in a different way this week.

I hope you get a chance to speak your peace.

Good luck!

 

[mrsltg]

Has there been a family meeting, or has this been done with a few members here, a few members there? The reason I ask is that sometimes there is clarity (especially in matters of fairness) when all are present to hear every person's point of view. Sometimes, in the translation, what one person said last week, gets reported in a different way this week.

I hope you get a chance to speak your peace.

Good luck!

No family meeting. Two sisters aren't speaking to two other sisters because of something the 5th sister lied about (once again, Christy's mother). The whole family fell apart after Nana died. One daughter lived at home all her life. There is nothing "wrong" with her, she just never married and ended up living at home. After Nana died Grandpa changed things. He wanted the daughter who was at home to get the house free and clear. Her name was put on the deed and when he passed it became hers. Two of the other sisters have always resented her for living at home. They made it their mission to have Grandpa sell the house so that she could not keep it. In the end, one daughter was not speaking to Grandpa because he had told her where she could put her ideas... Unfortunately, one aunt decided to take advantage of the situation and play both sides against the middle. She has also been the catalyst for the ring going to Christy. Everything has always been a competition with her. Her kids were best. She was the best daughter. She had the best cars. It's truly sick, and that's where everything is coming from. The whole situation is just sad... So unfortunately, the whole family will never be in the room together again. Which is why I'm especially passionate about *something special* being given to Valerie. Her mother is the one who was not speaking to Grandpa so she's really out in the cold. It's an absolute shame, but if I don't say something Valerie will be left out entirely.

Just typing this out makes me wish for another family!!!

 

[jen0610]

For the most part there were no issues with my Grandma on my dad's side. Everything she wanted each of us to have, was noted and cataloged, before her death. Everybody in the family knew who was going to get what. The house was put into the family corporation, so that when she passed, it stayed as part of the company and was rented out for years. Just recently, the farm and house were sold, as the company was disolved. The profits were split in accordance with her wishes, with each of her 5 kids and 7 grandkids getting a portion.

The only issue that arose and it really shouldn't have was, the 1st grandchild "gift" that the family has done for generations. The way it works is, the 1st grandchild gets the "gift" selected by the grandparent. My dad was the 1st born to his grandparents and I was the 1st born to his parents. No one knew what Grandma had made as the "gift". My dad got the pipe his grandpa always smoked, as dad loved the tobacco that he had smoked. My dad isn't a smoker, but he loves that pipe. The issue was caused by my uncle's then wife. Her stance was that even though I was born first, I wasn't the 1st blood grandchild. Her son was. She didn't feel that since I wasn't a true Hoover, and was only adopted into the family, the first truly born Hoover grandchild should get the gift. Grandma never treated either myself or my middle brother, also adopted, any different from her other grandkids. Thankfully my uncle told his wife to stuff it and I got the "gift". My grandma had a thing for elephants and I got one of her favorites. It's in a case with all my other collectables.

to the OP. Everything will work out.

 

[Annie68]

We feel your pain. My DH's sister was left in charge of DMIL's estate when she passed last summer in Arizona. DMIL had a simple will, put SIL in charge of selling her place (since she lives there too) and told DH the proceeds would then be split (just DH & DSIL in family, MIL has been divorced for years). DH was going to wait until SIL presented the $, and tell her to keep 2/3 since she is a single mom. We flew to Arizona for the memorial, set up & ran the estate sale with SIL...yet after everything was said & done, SIL decided she was keeping it all. No fight beforehand, no discussion, just sent us an email after we returned(because it was "hard" for her to tell us on the phone) that she decided she wanted to keep it all. She was "shocked" that we weren't happy for her that, in her words, "I can finally get out of debt and take a nice vacation". She decided that her son would get the money, that our kids didn't need anything because DH & I both work. We have had no contact with her since that day.