I feel like my life is falling apart

[ryanshana]

I think my husband and I are calling it quits. I really do not even know what to do. I feel so lost w/ a bit of relief but not really. My (hm I guess...just H) H has put me through alot and I have stood by him time and time again. And he just keeps upseting me not doing anything to help. He had a drinking problem which I helped him w/ and the other day he wanted to help a buddy out and the buddy said I have a case of beer for ya. He was like I can't drink I have an interlock (Interlock is a device you put in your car, its like a breathe alyzer from a DUI he had like 3 years ago, it is quite embarhassing for me to drive this car yet he doesn't understand that either). I told him real nice H. He didn't understand what was wrong w/ that. He said that he didn't want to sound like a baby and tell him that my wife doesn't let me drink?!?!? Are you serious? I really thought that he didn't want to drink because he makes a butt out of himself. I didn't know I was making him.

I have 2 small kids I don't even know where to go. I am lonely and afraid. I have been out of work for 3 years, because HE wanted me to stay at home w/ the kids. Now I have no money nor any coming in. I was talking to my father (who we have relied heavily on in the past.) And he has opened his home to me and the kids. I love him to death but I am almost 30 (next month, nice present right) and I shouldn't be living at home. I just do not know what to do. I love him but I don't I think that he will do counselling and he doesn't want to cause the last time we tried the psychitrist sided w/ me cause of all the stuff he has put me thru. And that "wasn't fair".

I have know him since I was 14, half my life. I just wish it could work but then maybe this is better.

I am sorry for opening my problems to you all I am just sooo sad and lonely right now and just needed to vent. I feel like my life is going down the drain

thanks for letting me vent


Oh yeah....I think one thing that I am really upset about is this upcoming disney trip. If and ONLY if I can secure a position...ya know what nevermind that's dumb I should save the money.

But will I be able to take my kids places they are 2 & 1 last summer we went to sesame place all the time (it's 15 mins away from us) am I going to be able to do things like that. I always went w/ him?

 

[murcor]

Im sure your dad wants to help you and the kids anyway he can. Take his help and move into his home......until you can get on your feet and sort things out.

Take Care

 

[a1tinkfans]

So sorry to hear you're hurting right now. Your # 1 priority is taking care of YOU so YOU can take care of those precious children!
If you need dads help, so be it, thank goodness he can be there for you!!

I want to just say that there are many people willing to listen so please don't feel alone!!
I wish I had the words to say, everything will be alright, right away, but I can't honestly say it. BUT, you almost sound resigned to this and it makes me wonder if in your heart of hearts, it is for the best!
Whatever you choose to do, I want to wish you and your family the BEST of health and the heartfelt feelings that YOU are not alone!!!

 

[SmallWorld71]

My best advice would be to seek out some Al-Anon meetings in your area. They can help you deal with all the issues surrounding DH's drinking problem. Keep looking until you find one that is right for you. If you need more info. on the program let me know and I can get the answers for you. He is the only one who has the power to change his behavior. You need to do what's best for you and the kids. I would definitely seek legal advice ASAP as well if you haven't already.

 

[LUVDZNY2008]

Hi, my ex-husband and I separated when my son was 2 and divorced a year later. Try to get yourself some counseling..it helps when you see how they (the husbands) blame others for their own bad behavior. Plus it will get you stronger. Stay with your dad as long as you need to. You will be able to do things with your children alone. Give yourself time to adjust to this situation..I've been there..you will get through it. Maybe you will meet other women who are divorced with children and you and your children can do things with them too. You will be okay, give yourself time, and stay strong. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to. Good luck to you.

 

[T. Lynn]

I can totally relate to your story...in same situation!!!

DH & I have been together since I was 15. Been together for a total of 18 years. I am scared because I too was a SAHM and about 3 months ago, I got a PT job for when I decide to leave. He says/does all kinds of things behind my back:

* He's only with me because of DD, he loves her more than anything (yea, spends his time with friends and at bar - home about 5 hours a week and that's being generous)
* It's cheaper to keep her - he's afraid of having no money left after child support & alimony
* He goes to bars and doesn't tell me (people see him hanging out with other women there)
* I confront him and he says everyone else is lying - really, what exactly would they have to gain?
* He makes all kinds of remarks about women, apparently he thinks he is gods gift to women - he definately can play the mind games, he's a sweet talker

Oh, but to my face he tells me he loves me more than anything and if he was truly unhappy, he'd leave. Ok, he's been sleeping on the couch for almost 2 years so how does that show me he loves me & the fact he keeps pulling the same stunts?

I've been crying almost every day and dealing with this for OVER a year (more drastic now). Had gut feelings something has been wrong for 4-5 years. I feel like I'm gonna go insane (want depression medicine but afraid he will try to use that against me). I've had numerous talks with DD so she knows it's not her fault. I'm a little older than you and don't want to move back home either. I'd rather wait till we sell the house & use some of my portion for rent till support kicks in. I offered him a divorce and he blew up on me, threats came a flying. I've seen a side of him that I've never seen in those 18 years. He said he'd drag me thru the courts & make me loose everything. I'm so afraid to leave and so afraid to stay. I can't even look at him the same. I wonder every night my head hits the pillow, what kind of man did I marry? Who is he? I even gave back my rings one night when I called the bar for them to say he wasn't there (its a small bar). I was sitting in the parking lot and as I went down to enter, he came running out. He still hasn't changed and I've never taken my flippin rings off in 13 years, except to clean them. It kills me to be without them but he doesn't seem to mind. Guess the women are more likely to buy his lines without a ring on!?

I have no idea how to deal with it. I basically can't anymore. I said we needed a marriage councelor or we needed to start our lives over. His response "I need no councelor, your the one with issues, if you rolling to start over with another man than roll" If that was the case, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd have some emotional support and someone who cared about me. Yes, I do have issues...the ones he's created.

I even went to see a lawyer and now that he knows, he made it a point to tell me he knows where the lawyer lives. Why on earth would he go to that extent?

I'm in the process of finding a councelor I can afford. Money is so tight and I'm afraid to leave, for many reasons. I go to work and come home and take care of the house & DD by myself all night and every weekend. It's hard having NO help. Told her I was afraid of raising her by myself and she said "why mommy, you do that now anyway". Made me cry yet again. This week I'm calling her school to get her counceling as well.

I'm also afraid of never finding true happiness and being alone! Who's gonna want a woman with emotional baggage & a psycho for an ex? That's attractive...

Anyway, didn't mean to take away from your post but wanted to let you know your NOT ALONE. I'm basically in the same boat and can't take much more.

 

[bumbershoot]

OP and TLynn...


If you have family willing and able to help you, take that help. My mom had no one...her family was across the country, no money to get there, no way to get there. Don't worry about feeling too old to need your family...that's what good families are there to help with.

And don't feel bad about wondering if/when you'll be able to go places with the kids...I'm sure that's a normal worry/wonder.

 

[Micka Mouse]

I think my husband and I are calling it quits.

I can totally relate to your story...I'm afraid of never finding true happiness and being alone!

to both of you!

 

[ryanshana]

My best advice would be to seek out some Al-Anon meetings in your area. I would definitely seek legal advice ASAP as well if you haven't already.

I have tried Al-Anon meetings...actually their were required by the state for his DUI. Yea the councelor actually told him that he doesn't have a drinking problem cause he doesn't get the "shakes" or "needs one everyday" SERIOUSLY? And those two statements are true but when he drinks WATCH OUT. He drinks excessively and but cause it isn't all the time therefore he doesn't think he has a problem.

Also I am so fearful of the fees for attorneys. This is going to cost a pretty penny isn't it? I mean I have "access" to OUR accounts but if I take some of that money for an attorney I don't know what H will do ya know.

I can totally relate to your story...in same situation!!! DH & I have been together since I was 15. Been together for a total of 18 years. I am scared because I too was a SAHM and about 3 months ago, I got a PT job for when I decide to leave. He says/does all kinds of things behind my back:

* He's only with me because of DD, he loves her more than anything (yea, spends his time with friends and at bar - home about 5 hours a week and that's being generous)
* It's cheaper to keep her - he's afraid of having no money left after child support & alimony
* He goes to bars and doesn't tell me (people see him hanging out with other women there)
* I confront him and he says everyone else is lying - really, what exactly would they have to gain?
* He makes all kinds of remarks about women, apparently he thinks he is gods gift to women - he definately can play the mind games, he's a sweet talker

I've been crying almost every day and dealing with this for about a year (more drastic now). Had gut feelings something has been wrong for 4-5 years. I've had numerous talks with DD so she knows it's not her fault. I'm a little older than you and don't want to move back home either. I'd rather wait till we sell the house & use some of my portion for rent till support kicks in. I offered him a divorce and he blew up on me, threats came a flying. I have no idea how to deal with it. I basically can't anymore. I said we needed a marriage councelor or we needed to start our lives over. His response "I need no councelor, your the one with issues, if you rolling to start over with another man than roll" If that was the case, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd have some emotional support and someone who cared about me. Yes, I do have issues...the ones he's created.

I even went to see a lawyer and now that he knows, he made it a point to tell me he knows where the lawyer lives. Why on earth would he go to that extent?

I'm in the process of finding a councelor I can afford. Money is so tight and I'm afraid to leave, for many reasons. I go to work and come home and take care of the house & DD by myself all night and every weekend. It's hard having NO help.

I'm also afraid of never finding true happiness and being alone! Who's gonna want a woman with emotional baggage & a psycho for an ex? That's attractive...

First off and are we twins? I could have written your post! Are you in pa (the knobels) if so I am too maybe its something in the water

Part of me wonders what I should do if he's appoligtic (like if we do a trial seperation) cause I am fearful that this will just be a vicious circle!

Micka Mouse, bumbershoot, LUVDZNY2008, murcor, a1tinkfans thanks for the I really need them

Also I know this may sound wierd but I am a big believer that my mom is my guardian angel (she passed away the day after I had my son) and the times this has happened before I have always asked for her help in making the right decision and have later asked my father to let me move back in and he has said no....Nothing was different about this situation I asked my mom for guidance and my dad says yes? Maybe that's a sign ya know.

 

[PrincessMama605]

I just wanted to say hang in there, things will get better. You are taking the first step towards a better life for you and your kids.

I recently split up with my dd's father and every day that goes by I realize how much better off we are without all the drama (I don't want to get into it here but he put me through a lot).

I also want to say that there is no shame in being 30 and getting help from your dad. My family has been (and still are) very supportive and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have gotten through the breakup.

 

[Dani C]

Do not hesitate to accept your father's help. Think of it like this, you will both be helping your children. Regardless of age, they (and you) can use the support and the love he has to offer. (And who knows, maybe he can use your company and love just as much.)

 

[SmallWorld71]

I have tried Al-Anon meetings...actually their were required by the state for his DUI. Yea the councelor actually told him that he doesn't have a drinking problem cause he doesn't get the "shakes" or "needs one everyday" SERIOUSLY? And those two statements are true but when he drinks WATCH OUT. He drinks excessively and but cause it isn't all the time therefore he doesn't think he has a problem.

I can't believe his counselor actually said that! I'm sure the meetings aren't for everyone. DH was heavily involved in them and found them to be a life-saver. My sister attends regularly and is learning a lot from them. I know so many others who have found AA and al-anon to be a tremendous help as well. I will say that when I needed support for some troubles in my life, I became very involved in my church and it became like a support group to me.

Also I am so fearful of the fees for attorneys. This is going to cost a pretty penny isn't it? I mean I have "access" to OUR accounts but if I take some of that money for an attorney I don't know what H will do ya know.
I wish I had better advice here. I just know some people who were railroaded by exes out for revenge so I just wanted to mention it.
Extra hugs for both you and T. Lynn
QUOTE]

 

[hoosiergirl7]

I can't imagine how hard that is. It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic and has not come to terms with his demons. He needs to be off of liquor for himself, not because you want him to be. My father is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 10 or 11 yrs now. It came down to my mom kicking him out of the house and saying that he needed to come to terms with his problem and get help or she was walking and he was going to die a lonely alcoholic man. My dad chose to get help. In the beginning it was really hard because you want it so bad. My dad went to AA regularly for a long time and it was a wake up call when he'd see fellow members fall off the wagon. What was the biggest wake up call was a lady he was in meetings with fell off the wagon and ended up dying. He made the decision that was not going to be him. Oh, and after 37 yrs of marriage my parents are still together because of the choice my dad made to help himself.

I will say this, my dad will drink non-alcoholic beer every once in awhile and at first we were afraid that this would cause him to go back to drinking. But in all honestly, I think it was a life saver for him because it's helped him stay on the wagon. My dad makes the joke, "now only if they would make non-alcoholic scotch..."

I would move in with your dad and give the DH an ultimatum and say you get help and you realize that if you don't you WILL DIE. If he doesn't, well at least you'll have your dad to help you until you get on your feet again. But you can't be the one to make him. He needs to get support from people who are in his shoes.

 

[crisi]

Two things:

One, we had similar issues with my sister in getting a counselor to call her alcoholic. Her liver finally proved the point. But for a long time the diagnosis wouldn't come because she wouldn't get the shakes, she could sometimes stop at one or be sober for a week, she would tell them she didn't black out, etc. A alcoholic diagnosis is not really a science.

Two. I divorced my first husband fifteen years ago or longer now. Ended up married to a wonderful guy. And even before we got together, once the initial pain was gone, being alone was way better than being with someone who didn't want to be with me, who didn't respect me. I won't tell you it won't be tough, but I will tell you that until you do it there isn't room in your life for anything better.

 

[InfernoGirl]

Let me start off with sorry about the situatioan, hugs to those needed.

Not all of us guys are jerks. I feel your pain, have a close friend that went through some tough seriuos junk with his ex. They almost got remarried but he came to his senses. I understand that marriage doest work out for all so I wont say all can be fixed.

I do want to state one thing but I afraid that I will be single out as a holly roller. I will any way only because I think its has become a root to this country failing. I never see anyone talking about prayer or going to to see their preacher for help. I used to not go to church but after going for awhile we see that even though our marriage has had its ups n downs, church and beliving in christ has helped. Not saying this is the case for everyone but I do believe that a failure to rely on him will always leave you empty. A must watch movie is fireproof, it might help some understand.

I wish you the best and I will pray for you.

MR IG

 

[disney_family_1247]

Don't worry about your age; you are lucky to have family offerring to help you out. There is no shame in that at all! Move in with your dad while you get things together for you and the kids.

Good luck with everything.

 

[T. Lynn]

First off and are we twins? I could have written your post! Are you in pa (the knobels) if so I am too maybe its something in the water

Part of me wonders what I should do if he's appoligtic (like if we do a trial seperation) cause I am fearful that this will just be a vicious circle!

That's how I felt when I read your initial post. I could relate all too well. Actually live 2 hours away from Knoebels.

DH was apologetic last year when everything first went down. He even asked me on a date, put notes on my car, cried and the whole nine yards. Then it all changed. I was told they go thru stages:

Rage - being caught & backed in corner
Apologetic - actually feel some remorse at first
Back to self - once the remorse wears off, goes back to old ways

Boy oh boy, were they right. DH went thru the exact cycle and a couple of times. Last one was just last month. Kept telling me how much he loves knoebels (he was a totally different man on vacation - the man I fell in love with but his friends weren't around to see him being so nice either), spending time with DD & I. Things to make me have hope. Now we're back to his same old ways. I wish he's just let me go, without all the threats. Not that I want a divorce but I sure can't live this way.

I prayed to God many times and I think he brought my job into my life at a time I needed it the most. I'm so happy when I'm at work. People talk to me, they make me feel wanted and the way I describe it is - I feel at PEACE when I'm there. God was definately looking out for me! It came into my life when I needed it the most.

Right now I'm just taking it day by day. I will say that I am preparing myself for the worst. DH still doesn't come home much and I feel like a single parent. I want a family man. A man who wants to be with us and isn't afraid to show it. My DH is either playing his friends or he's playing me. I think it's me, I think he wants to be single but he's afraid to let go. He even says anyman would be lucky to have a girl like me. Guess someday I may find out. DH doesn't care enough to stop his antics. I blame myself for thinking my marriage was perfect, that I was lucky to have a guy like him. I fell off my pedistol HARD.

 

[dyna]

OP an PP having difficult time sorting out what is the best thing to do....

Go to your local Womens an Childrens services this is not a shelter persay but they will talk with you help you decide what is best to do an how to do it prolly for FREE. Most ppl think the services are just there for the physically abused but that is not so. They can guide you to cheap housing, jobs, anything you need they can an will guide you along with supporting you mentally/ emotionally an your children.

OP you might take that idea of moving in with dad as a good thing he might like a womans touch around the house an bit of house keepin an cooking in exchange for you living there an it's something you got to do no matter where you live. Not saying you need to do all the work but a good part of it.

 

[*Toadstool*]

Let me start off with sorry about the situatioan, hugs to those needed.

Not all of us guys are jerks. I feel your pain, have a close friend that went through some tough seriuos junk with his ex. They almost got remarried but he came to his senses. I understand that marriage doest work out for all so I wont say all can be fixed.

I do want to state one thing but I afraid that I will be single out as a holly roller. I will any way only because I think its has become a root to this country failing. I never see anyone talking about prayer or going to to see their preacher for help. I used to not go to church but after going for awhile we see that even though our marriage has had its ups n downs, church and beliving in christ has helped. Not saying this is the case for everyone but I do believe that a failure to rely on him will always leave you empty. A must watch movie is fireproof, it might help some understand.

I wish you the best and I will pray for you.

MR IG

I agree with what he said. I thought about not posting because I don't want to come at you the wrong way, but obviously my heart won out on that one.
I know not everyone can work it out like in that movie, but that book that the movie was based on "The Love Dare" is changing marriages. I realize life isn't a movie, but this particular one was life changing for me.
For anyone interested: http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/
Whatever you decide God will always be there for you. I am sorry for what you are going through, and I hope that you find peace.
My prayers are with your family.

 

[Leajess99]

But will I be able to take my kids places they are 2 & 1 last summer we went to sesame place all the time (it's 15 mins away from us) am I going to be able to do things like that. I always went w/ him?

As a single parent I can understand how you feel but please know you will be able to do things with your kids. If you are deciding to call it quits I would go immediately and file for child support and when filing for divorce request alimony.

Do not feel bad if you have live with your dad until you get back on your feet. It may be good for your kids to have him there for them as well.